What to Do About the Neighbors

Tell the kids to go home. You can do it in a kind and polite way, but you still need to do it. Perhaps something like: "Sorry, kids, we're having a special family time right now so you can't come and play. Can you come over tomorrow when we can all play together?"

To use a Dr. Phil'ism - you teach people how to treat you . . . and it sounds as though you're teaching the neighborhood kids (and their parents) that you're a bit of a pushover. You are the grown-up and you are entitled to respect. You have no obligation to have anyone in your yard without your express invitation. But unless you say something to the kids, they're just going to keep coming!

You are very right to be concerned about this issue because if somebody else's child gets hurt in your house or yard, you are liable. In effect, you are totally responsible for any and all children on your property. Your neighbors, while being very pleasant people are being VERY irresponsible permitting their children to run the neighborhood. What about "registered sex offenders" do they not understand?

I am a homeschooling Mom so I have had to put some clear boundaries in our house because I am not about to become the neighborhood babysitter. My responsibility is to my own daughters. Children are not welcome in my house unless my children personally INVITE them. If they want to play with my children, they can invite them to the park or if I know the parent well, to their house to play. No invitation, they are simply tresspassing and we won't have it. Playing on your play equipment when your daughter isn't even out there is totally inexcusable and shows that the kid simply is bored and doesn't really care about the playdate with your daughter so I wouldn't feel guilty at all telling her to go home and calling her Mom and making it **** clear that she is not welcome at my house or in my yard without an invitation from me or my child.

We have two neighbor girls who live two houses down who would like to play with my oldest daughter but after seeing the lack of supervision and seeing the behavior problems that these girls had when they were over here once, I told my daughter, never again. We invited both girls swimming at our club but told them that they had to bring a parent because we could not watch four kids in the water. Their parents are members of the same club and were to busy watching TV that afternoon to come so the girls were left to wander the neighborhood. Sorry, we are not going to be their babysitters. My daughter has other friends that don't have these issues so I am not about to court problems. If we aren't the closest friends to these people, so be it.

H.

We had similar issues with our old neighbors (before we moved). We loved them, but neighbor friends can be tricky for the exact boundary issues you've noticed. It just gets to the point where you have to say 'I am the adult, and this is my house. I make the rules here, even if your mom has different ones at her house.' One of my strict rules was that they do not play in our yard unless they play with our son. Aside from the safety issues, to me this is just a weird thing to do! Then, I would let them know when it was not okay, not in a mean way, just like 'Sorry, my son is not allowed to have friends over when we have company.' Or just that he needs his rest, we are getting ready to go somewhere, busy cleaning, etc. whatever of the millions of reasons my son couldn't play at that time. I didn't lie about it, and would try to be nice about it, and they seemed to do fine with that. It didn't hurt the friendship one bit (in fact it made it better because nobody had to worry about being an imposition).

Hi L., this is J.. Wow! What a bummer. Isn't it sad that those kid's parents don't have the witts about them to keep track of their kids or teach them any manners (I'd say kids barging into your home uninvited is rude). I understand that you want to make them feel welcome, but there are limits, right?
I don't think you're being snobby at all. It is YOUR home. I
think I'd make an effort to talk with the parents and make it clear to them that yes, you love their kids, but they need to open some communication with you if their kids are going to be at your home...like, when they are coming over and when they are expected to go home.
Good luck...let me know how things work out!
:>) J.

L.,

This would drive me crazy too. I can't stand it when parents don't do their job, and think nothing of letting their work fall on others.

You're in a really sticky situation, and I guess you have to weigh the value of your relationship with your neighbors with the value of your personal space, etc.

On a very serious note, when someone on your property gets hurt, you are legally responsible, so to protect yourself against a situation that could greatly impact your financial security and that of your children, I would be a little more proactive with your neighbor about keeping her kids reigned in. If all diplomatic efforts fail, I would tell her that if arrangements have not been made for you to be responsible for her children's safety, they cannot to be in your yard. This means at least a phone call before she sends the kids over. Unfortunately, if your neighbor chooses to ignore your request,this does not change your legal liability.

She could direct her children to play in your yard, and turn around and sue you if one of her kids gets hurt.

I, myself, would take it to the level of putting up a fence to protect the neighbor's children and myself.

As far as how to approach the neighbor in a diplomatic way, you might point out some potential dangers associated with unsupervised play. (Kids jump out of swings and break their arms all the time.) Tell your neighbor that you've been thinking lately that your children are getting to that accident prone stage, and that you would be devastated if one of her children got hurt playing in your yard, and the two of you should come up with some new rules for all of your collective children. You'll only come off as snobbish if you suggest that your children are well behaved, and hers are not. If you approach the situation as a problem to be worked on together, you should be o.k.

Let me know how it works out.
Good luck,
D. T

Wow! I can't believe so many people have this problem! I gave a friend and a sister who both have a husband who is home with the kids during the day and have had this issue. Both of these Dad's have had to say, "No, not today." Who ever heard of letting your kid go over to someone's house uninvited? I was never allowed to do that! This older kids coming over to play with younger ones also seemd to be a trend! What 7 year old wants to play with a 3 year old? I teach 12 yeat olds and they love to see my 3 year old and like it when I bring her to class parties or school events so that they can "play" with her for an hour, but the 12 year olds in my neighborhood certainly don't want to come over and play with her! When my sister had this issue they girls coming over were 10 wanting to play with a 2 year old and a 4 year old. They really just wanted to play with their toys. Once she told them that mom had to come over and talk with her first so she would know that mom knew where they were and was OK with it, they stopped coming over, I think in your situation, you just need to tell the kids that now is not a good time, for whatever reason and if they won't leave, go and get the mother and tell her that now is not a good time and you tried to tell them to leave, but they won't. i would also explain to the mother that you really don't want their children playing at your house when you are not home and if it happens again, the waiver idea is a good one. You might also try telling the kids that if they come over and play when you are not home, that they will no longer be welcome to come over and play at all for a period of time (like a month), that should help. You, of course, would have to enforce it as they will most likely test you on it! Good Luck! This issue is the only one that has made me glad that most of the kids in my neighborhood are teenagers!

L., I understand your concern but the solution is really simple. Tell them to go home. Their mother told you to do that and so there shouldn't be any ill feelings. When they have other kids with them include them in your request.

When my daughter was in school the parents would tell each other's kids to leave when they didn't want them there. I have a friend who has no children and no yard and she asks kids to stay out of her yard. She hasn't had any complaints from parents or difficulty with the kids, except they do still come back at times.

This is your yard and your home and you not only have the right but also the responsibility to provide for the life style that you choose for yourselves. Be assertive! It is your home! No one that you don't want to be there should be there!

I'd suggest that you tell them to leave instead of go home because they do not want to go home.

And a comment on the fence idea. A fence that you cannot see over or see thru when walking by is an invitation to a burglar. Besides why should you change your yard and how you use it or spend your money to stop kids from coming into your yard when it's more reasonable to just tell them to leave. They have a right to be there only with an invitation from you.

Same goes for the older girl who is bossy. She's not pleasant. YOu want to have a pleasant home. Tell her that you think she's just too old to be coming over. When she says "but my sister is here" tell her that's because she is younger. Clue the mother into what you're doing.

Take back your yard! It may take awhile to "train" these kids but wouldn't it be worth it?

By the way, the kids are trespassing once you tell them to leave. If you think of it that way it may be easier to feel your right to do this.

oh, I feel your pain! Tell the kids to go home. Period. It starts to be a safety issue (not to mention sanity!) if they come over and the kids outnumber the adults watching them. Also, I'd recommend thinking about putting in a taller, more view obscuring fence!

we had this issue when I was a teenager and my brothers were younger. We had a trampoline which attracted a whole lot of neighborhood attention. Heres what I learned, you can not be subtle with children. You have to be direct and sometimes border on rude if they dont listen. You are the boss of your property and you have to lay down the law with them. You should make sure they always ask permission before playing in your yard and should never play there without your children. You have the right to send them home if you are playing with your kids having "family" time. And thats just what you say "we are having just family time now you will have to come back later/tomorrow". I would consider fencing in your yard so that they cant get in without you letting them. Also, with the trampoline every child had to have a release signed by a parent to protect against someone sueing for injuries (not sure if applicable to your playset). Remember that you are an adult and they are kids, its your property and its your children. With the bossy child, I would warn her that this is your house and your rules and if she gets bossy/rude she will have to go home and then send her home if she gets mean. We were bullied very bad by kids IN OUR OWN YARD when I was young and I wish my mom would have stuck up for us. Its not a fun thing but if you stick to the rules and be firm they will start to obey them just to play and it will get easier. Good Luck, Jen

Hi,
We had the same problem when we moved into our current house 2 years ago. the neighbor kids just keep showing up even when we had guests over for dinner party. One of the kids would storm out if upset. A couple of times I found them help themselves with snack on the garage shelf. I finally just told the kids that they have to ask before they come in and if we have friends over, I just let them know that we need to spend time with our friends so we can't ask them to come over. When they ring the doorbell, I would open the door and explain why we could not play that day or just let my daughter play outside a bit. After a few times, they learned to respect our privacy. Hope this help.

How lucky you are to live in a neighborhood with other children and where you feel that you and your child are safe! My neighborhood is safe enough but there are no other children around. My kids have been so lonely and have missed so much. I remember when I was growing up and all the neighborhood kids hung out at my house. I am sure that it was more work for my mother but she made all the kids feel welcome and when we got to be teenagers she always knew where we were and who we were with. Yes, it is inconvenient for you to have the other kids around but priceless to you when your daughter and her friends hang out at your house because she knows that you welcome them. Our oldest is now 28, our youngest 9. Please count your blessings.

Good luck!
J.

Don't worry about offending the kids - they are kids - you are the adult. Maybe you can be a positive influence on them. If not, better that they not pollute your kids and make parenting that much harder on you. Stick to your guns. I have compassion for your situation, but I don't think you are being a snob if you have standards for your children. If their parents aren't supervising, you have the right to enforce your rules for your property, and if the parents are around you still have that right.

The older girl is to old to be hanging out with little ones like that for very long. There may be an issue there. I would lay down the law nicely. The rudeness to you should not be happening. I had that happen to me but the child was the same age. If we had company and my kids could not play he would say "that sucks". I have found him in our yard as we get home also. I talked to the mom and did not agree with her response so we "cut him off" as a friend. If the parents cant take care of or back you up then thats a big issue. I know it will be hard to tell her shes to old but she needs to know. The disrespect is not ok eather. Good luck!! You will feel so much better alittle after you've taken care of it.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. You are not being snobby. You are being too polite. Your neighbor has already harmed the "neighbor relationship"! Don't worry about what the kids or their parents think. They barge into your home! Block the door with your body or lead them out. They come over when you aren't home? Clearly they don't have strong parental guidance (I would be mortified if my children barged in anywhere!) so it's up to you. It does take a village.

Maybe if you set a specific time for them to be there. Then if would be easier to enforce when they can't come over.(We are having family play right now, you can come over on Wednesday when we planned...) It will also help you build a relationship with these kids so they can start to respect you. If they get little resistance from you they will keep coming over. I don't envy you your position, but you are going to have to set the rules yourself and enforce them yourself. Over and over and over *sigh*

Who are these kids you don't know? Are they in the neighborhood or visiting your neighbors? I would follow them home! And introduce yourself and set your boundaries. "I am NOT the neighborhood babysitter" (please call first or we are only available to play on Wednesday mornings...)If the kids see you talking to their parents they will probably understand that you mean business.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Ugh! You will have to walk them home and restate your rules everytime they barge in...maybe their Mom will get the picture and finally tell them to stay away.

When you get the puppy, train it to scare the kids away! :)

L.,

I don't think you're being snobbish at all. The yard is yours, and not open to the neighborhood kids to come and go as they please. I'm a fan of Dr. Phil, and one of his sayings is: good fences make good neighbors. If the chain link fence you have now isn't working to keep the neighborhood out, build/install one of those wooden privacy fences that is 6+ feet tall that the kids can't open.

I would try talking to the other mother in a calm manner, laying out the facts that you find it awkward, and occasionally irritating that her children are coming over when you're not home/uninvited. If something can't be worked out between the two of you, then I would build the fence. You should NOT have to be responsible for the children of the entire neighborhood, just your daughter.

Harsh as this is, Hope this helps,
Melissa

I can definately relate! I am the stay at home mom in the neighborhood and the kids (all older than my 3 year old) always want to come over. I had to lay out the ground rules....No means no and let them know they always had to ask first before coming in to my yard. It was hard at first because I didn't want to be the bad guy! I just told the older kids that sometimes you and your family just want to be by yourselves in the yard. I would try talking to the parent again and let her know how you feel. It is their responsibility to parent their own children. If it continues....I would just start telling the children they can not come in until they bring their mom down to talk to you and ask. This worked for me and clearly set up a boundary with the other parents in the neighborhood who I am sure got tired of their kids constantly asking them to come talk to me! It definately slowed the visits down and I felt better about being in my own yard with my daughter. No hard feelings resulted and in fact it seems as if the whole neighborhood has started being a little more responsible about their own children and where they are and who they are with! Maybe you will start a trend! Don't feel bad about having to set limits with the neighborhood...It helps teach respect for others and encourages privacy. You have to do what is best for your family! Good Luck!

Oh my goodness. I have such a similar situation I had to double-check your name to make sure I hadn't written in, and forgotten!
Well, my advice to you is to become pretty stern with your 'visitors'. Figure out what your rules are and sit the children down and tell them. If you feel badly about seeming mean, you're going to have to push through that feeling and be in charge.
Seriously, I have been in this exact situation. And once I got over my guilt of wanting to be the 'nice mom on the block' and told the kids what was allowed in my yard, home, etc. I had my home back. No unwanted/uninvited visitors.
It may take a week, possibly longer, but the kids will finally get it.
Let us know how it turns out!

Definantly lay down the law. Talk to these kids the same way you would talk to yourown.
I am concerned as it sounds like these kids are neglected or feel it anyway. They are probably craving the family structure. One thing you can do is put them to work. If your family is out doing yard work and they want involvment have the extra hands! If you feel up to having them for dinner the oldest can do some dishes! It may sound wierd but they may be mostly ignored at home and realy be craving family, standards, and boundries. If you are up to it you may find some children you never knew you had! Those that I have had will look at me like I'm crazy the first time I give them a chore but I just say "here we all help out". Then I find them coming over just to help out! They become very comfortable with "not right now come back at __" And begin to feel like a close member of the family. I have been able to correct them in their behavior too. Then I am not so worried when the kids are all out playing. They also have had the occasion to have these extra children of mine stick up for them!

You are not being snobby. It's called parenting and your neighbors are't doing it. I know you have to live next to them, but you have to have respect and sanity too. I would invest in a brick fence on your property 6 feet high. and a gate you can lock. I know It may cost a lot, but it will be money well spent in the long run and probably help the resale of your house if you ever sell it one day. I would tell the older one she is too old to be coming over if she says but my sister is over here. Tell her she is close enough in age to play with your daughter. If worst comes to worst, tell the girls if you catch them on your property uninvited you will have them tresspassed off by the police. Have the parents sign a waiver to drive your point home. Put up a no Tresspasing sign. Tell the little one she can come over when you invite her and she is not invited when you are not there.

I hate to say it, but the playing on the playset thing is a law suit waiting to happen. Whether or not they are supervised by you or their parents, having them sign a waiver should be considered. Some friends of ours got a trampoline and before she would even allow our kids over we had to sign a waiver (kids love to do things they aren't supposed to as soon as your back is turned). Even the closest friends and even family are subject to unexpected law suits from accidents. I think that you should ask their parents to speak to the kids about some "ground rules" (and you can suggest those rules) saying that you are not comfortable just telling them to go home.

Also, we have a neighborhood kid that likes to play in our yard when the kids aren't out, we aren't home, etc. Since he likes to play with sticks and logs and such and leaves those, along with his toys all over our yard, we have explained to him and his parents that we aren't comfortable with it and all have been understanding. It has helped (unfortunately) that he left some toys behind my husbands car which was runover. We also feel that playing with sticks/logs is just not safe and will stop that whether or not he is in our yard.

Hopefully you can work things out without any offense.

GOOD LUCK! :)