Too Tired for Sex!!

I agree with exercise! I have a low sex drive too and am usually fighting my husband off at night. When I'm exercising, it's a bit better. Not great, but at least I'm able to muster the energy.

Yeah, you're definitely NOT alone. I wouldn't care too much if they did away with sex completely. Ain't nobody got time for that! I think my sex drive is killed by my meds (birth control & anti-depressant). But there's no way around either of those, so I just live with it. It'll get better one day, they tell me!

I can relate.. Thing is, my hubby dont care if Im awake or not! Most nights he catch me off guard and Im waking up to sex. We dont have pornstar sex unless Ive had drinks

There IS a wonderous pill.

Its called sleep.

SleepDep is the #1 libido killer.

Chemically speaking, sleep dep SHUTS OFF the libido. Here's the short list of most common libido killers:

Sleep Deprivation
Depression
Starvation
Antidepressants (most, but not all)

Notice anything up there new moms MAY be dealing with?

Mmmmm.

Exactly.

Even ONE night of sleep each week (go to bed and wake up without being woken up, including no alarm to wake can (and usually wil) fix your sex drive after a COUPLE weeks. If you want an 'instant' fix, that mean 2-4 nights in a row.

Ditto ... If you're dieting & exercising like crazy, sloooooow down. Your body doesn't know the difference between wanting to be thin & losing weight die to war/famine/illness/etc. It notes the stress, slows your metabolism (making it harder to lose weight anyhow), and tanks your sex drive (because that's stage 1 in shutting off fertility, and our bodies don't want to be growing a baby during times of war/famine/plague... Because that decreases survival rates). Don't be surprised if you end up sleeping 12-15 hours your first couple nights "off". And if your husband can't take on baby duties, HIRE someone. $100 is cheaper than psychiatric care (which won't help, anyway, since its a medical issue. And sleep deprivation IS a medical issue. It has nothing to do with laziness, tired-DONT-wannas, etc. Its a CHEMICAL imbalance. With only 1 cure: sleep.

The "pill" for this is for you to just do it, whether you're feeling it or not, L.. If you want to save your marriage, you have to do it. Your husband should not have to wait forever for you to decide you want to have sex again. You're asking him to go out and get it somewhere else.

If it takes a drink for you to get in the mood, drink one. Leave the dishes. Go upstairs and lay down on the bed and read a racy novel. Turn on the bathtub with some nice smelling bath salts and ask your husband to join you. Scrub each other and then start loving on him. Transfer to the bed and make it happen.

Start off twice a week. If it doesn't happen right the first couple of times, don't give up. Just because you aren't into it doesn't mean that you can't do it. It's actually harder for men - if they aren't into it, their penises don't work well. Our vaginas work just fine with a little lube.

Just because you feel like you don't look sexy doesn't mean that you shouldn't have sex anymore. Start out doing it because it's your job as a wife (by the way, it's a man's job as a husband to give his wife sex too.) Then as you do it, you should start to enjoy it again.

Remember, sex is a way to connect to the person we love more than anyone else in the world. That's why we get married, so that we can have sex with this person. Otherwise, they are just a roommate and we can live with just ANY roommate. Don't turn your husband into a roommate. That's just a recipe for a divorce.

Good luck,
Dawn

Hon, you need to feel good about your body. Your post tells us everything. You don't feel sexy. So you don't want sex.

I PROMISE you, your husband WANTS you. Let him show you. You may not think you look good, but I guarantee he thinks you're sexy.

My suggestion is to force yourself to do it.
You'll actually get used to doing it again, and after a bit, find that you're craving it. You'll feel that intimacy again, and want to experience it more.

Pick 2 nights a week...and do it on your own time. Before you hit the couch. Once the kids are in bed - go straight to naked. Remember...it's only about 10-15 minutes of your time. :) Then, you can crash.

You'll both feel better, instantly.

First off, please know that you are not alone, this happens to most of us...what you need is SLEEP!

If I were you, I would let husband know that you *want* to have sex, you are just exhausted! Maybe he will let you have a weekend to sleep in late and then you guys can get busy later? The best thing for me was just one night of sleep where I didn't have to get up in the morning until my body wanted too! See if he will take on kid duty for saturday and sunday morning? I bet you anything if you get to sleep in you will feel 110% better!

Second, I guarantee that your husband still finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you...so as hard as it is, try to put aside all your insecurities and go have fun with the man!

~There is some truth to the old saying 'Fake it till you make it'! Even if you don't feel in the mood, your husband is and he will be delighted by any effort you put forth!

Talk to your doctor to make sure there isn't something like a thyroid issue, etc. Being underweight may be making you MORE tired because you don't have the energy for your body to keep itself going AND breastfeed. Definitely get that checked just to be safe. You have to have enough nutrition for you and the baby. Just figuring that out may help get some energy back.

See if your hubby will talk to HIS doc because snoring is not healthy. My husband snored like a freight train till he started working out - when he lost weight, the volume went down A LOT. Make sure you are both healthy, and that might help.

Your hubby loves you, so try not to rag on yourself for not having a perfect body. Your body gave him his children, and that's a miracle that we sometimes forget that they see.

My drive is low, but now that our son is older, I have some back. He doesn't sleep through the night yet, so I'm STILL tired, but I can keep it together for hubby snuggles as long as they are by 10:30pm-ish at the latest.

What might work for you is weekend afternoon when the babies are napping. That actually helped me quite a bit. I had energy, we had a time window, and it was "out of the ordinary" by not being at night before bed.

1. All my friends and myself included hit the 7 year slump with sex. There was something about year 7!!

2. THIS IS THE BIG ONE The only time I really wanted sex was when I first got married, when I was trying to get pregnant, and when I was pregnant. Then my husband got a vasectomy and i wanted sex again. I brought it up to my gynecologist and he said (After 13 YEARS!!!) "Oh yeah, didn't you know birth control pills lower your sex drive?" All those years I thought there was something wrong with me and it was the hormones in the birth control pills. My friends whose husbands have had vasectomies have all confirmed their sex drive went up also. If you're done with kids, consider the snip snip, or at least know, and tell your husband it's NOT YOUR FAULT! BUT, still try to fix it...

3. Even though your hubby probably doesn't care how you look, you probably do, so get a pretty bra or cute pajama top so you aren't self conscious. That's what I did, just until I got my confidence back. Take a couple minutes to put on a little mascara and lip gloss (to make yourself feel pretty). Wear that perfume or other scent that reminds you of your honeymoon or other romantic events from your past (or even just take whiff of it).

4. Fake it til you make it. Think happy little thoughts. Ha ha. Visualize. Do you get what I'm saying? Think about the good old days. Take a shower, breath deep, make yourself look pretty, and then spend a few minutes thinking about the good stuff before you even suggest the idea of sex and then you be all ready before the pressure is on and you won't get stressed out about it.

5. Don't pressure yourself, but don't do away with sex. That bond with your husband is important for YOU, too. Once you get back in the swing of it, you'll remember why. And the more you practice, the more you might find you like it again.

6. I remember you said you were tired. Don't forget, it might have been an all night affair before kids, but it can always be short and sweet now that you're tired. I always find I sleep better afterwards anyway (until one of the kids wakes me up!)

My husband is gone mon-fri for work....so we are only together on weekends.....most of the time, it's early morning or afternoon....we are both too tired at night. It's what works for us....baby takes a nap, older girls doing their thing....we do ours.

Sex is important in a marriage....i also feel like the more you have it the more you want it. Do you text? Text him fun flirty sexy things throughout the day. This is something we do and we are raring to go when he get back (granted i have to wait a few days lol).

As far as feeling confident.....I'm not there-with you. I give my hair a little spruce, curl my eye lashes and put on a little lip gloss. I dont wear those uncomfortable lacy things, but do have little jammies with boob cups that have matching pants that then becomes mommywear....target has them. This has been a compromise between the flannels i want and the teddy/stockings he wants :-)

Exercise. It will give you more energy and give you more physical awareness. Even for a few minutes a day. Do sit ups one day, push ups the next, squats the next. Even the slightest soreness will make you more aware of your body in a good way.

You don't have to look sexy to feel sexy.

Sorry I'm late. You are not alone. My hubby and I ended up in counceling because of this. I work full time days and my hubby works full time nights. He is also very involved in scouting so this takes a ton on time up for him durring the day. So I come home after working all day to a messy house and then have to clean and get the kids to bed so he can get to work. I was almost mad that he expected sex as well as doing all that. I know he is tired and does a lot with the little kids all day. I found that at first we had to plan a night. I picked the nights and on those night he was expected to help a little more so I would not have do as much. Then we had sex weather I was in the mood or not. Most of the time I did get in the mood, but sometimes it just did not happen. Now the kids are a bit older it is getting better and I have more helpers to help with the house work. good luck!!!

Try to sneak away while the kids are awake for a few minutes....baby asleep? Put on a cartoon and sneak off (bedroom door shut but you can still hear) for 5-10 minutes...in the bathroom, etc. Then you won't feel like you have to at night!

Work out - this will up how you feel about yourself and give you more energy.

Ask hubby to take over so you can get 'in the mood'. Shower/bath/shave/perfume - and buy some lingerie. YOU may not like it but GUARANTEED...he will. Even just stockings.....will do the trick!!

It does not have to be long and drawn out!

Sometimes just take care of him (and maybe he'll do the same?) That is still considered sex in my book!

If you want to help the situation, it's going to take a lot of effort on your part. Probably you will have to do it without really WANTING to a few times. I've seen someone on here before say "The more you do it, the more you'll want it." Wish I could remember who it was and give them credit where credit is due!

As for changing things up a bit, you can have a little more fun without getting what might be "weird" for you. My husband and I bought a board game once (actually before we got married, I think). It's called "Behind Closed Doors". The "object" of the game (according to the box) is "Players make their way around the game board acquiring position, item, and foreplay cards. The first player to reach the winner circle gets to cleverly incorporate all of the collected cards in their next sexual episode with their lover." I don't think we've ever used ALL of the winner's collected cards (sometimes you don't have an item or it's just something you're not all that comfortable with), but it can give you new ideas and it's fun along the way, too! Looking at the game board to refresh my memory, there are squares that say you have to remove an item of clothing, you have to kiss your partner, "light a few candles", etc. It's pretty fun! :)

Good luck!

1. Exercise will increase your libido and self confidence. It releases endorphins and makes you feel happier, rejuvinated, and sexy. Make SOME KIND of exercise a priority during your day. Even if you buy a jump-rope from Dick's Sporting Goods and just jump rope for 20 minutes. Or do 3 sets of 20 push ups, 20 sit ups and 20 jumping jacks. STRENGTH training especially helps because you're building muscles...and it'll help those sagging breasts by building the pectoral muscles behind them.

2. Morning sex. MORNING SEX!

3. Take showers together. It's a great way to "get over yourself" when it comes to your body. And it's a nice way to connect. You wash his back, he'll wash yours. :-)

4. Finally, if all else fails, talk to your doctor. It's not unheard of for hormonal imbalance to cause extreme lack of libido. Sometimes you need a kickstart.

Best!
♥
C. Lee

Call your oby gyn and tell him/her what is going on. There may be some sort of hormonal imbalance. And it also sounds like you have a sleep deprivation problem. I went through what I now know was post partum depression. You may have that. I was tired, worn out and angry all the time. My husband wanted sex and I wanted to push him off a cliff. I did see a doctor. Some medication was prescribed which helped to get my depression under control. And also one to help me sleep. It's amazing how much better you feel when you get sleep. I did not have to take either one for long. I would call the doctor. You should not keep suffering when it may be a quick and easy fix.

Hopefully I am not the first to say you are not alone. There are three little words I know my wife will say to me every day - "I'm so tired". She works full-time and does want to spend time with our kids after work, but then just wants to go to sleep. I'm no Brad Pitt in the looks department, which doesn't help things. Sometimes I wonder if we have both decided to have a sex-less marriage. About the only thing that has worked lately (about 5 months ago) was to have the kids spend the night at their grandparents.

Most mothers have gone through this, you are not alone. What helped my husband and I was really, to first sit down and talk. He assured me, that he really just wanted me and did not care how out of shape my body was. I can't tell you how much that helped. We made a certain day each week, for just us after the kids went to bed, and no it was not necessarily for us to have sex. We each would take turns planning our "date" night. From movie night to full body massage, to sketching each other to just pampering each other. It helped so much. After awhile, we didn't need that date night because we started planning other things on most any day of the week. Our kids are now 12 and 8 and I now I feel more in love with him then the day we married.

Sounds normal to me. I only got the energy and drive back when my youngest hit 2! You have a baby a home, cut ourself some slack. Of course you are too tired for sex!

I've found that while nursing each of my four kids that my sex drive really gets messed up. Exhaustion compounds it definitely. I was to the point of anger about sex, really annoyed at the idea of having to do one more thing that I wasn't interested in. My husband is a wonderful man, a great friend, and an awesome Dad. How could I be feeling so distant from him? It's because I was. I had to start taking time to be intentionally with him as a friend. Spending planned time to be just us. Also, recognizing times where I needed to be alone and making it happen. Over time, with prayer, and really thinking through why I was having the feeling I did have, things have really improved. A lot of how we feel is the attitude we have in each situation. Also, when the babies were weened I could feel who I was as a person coming back, instead of the tired, irritable person who had been hanging around. I'm sure hormones can play a major role with all these feelings. You might consider getting your levels checked out.

Body issues again are going to have to be a growing experience. I still have trouble in this area, but with exercise, and the security of my husband's love, I'm doing better. I'm trying to look at my stretch marks, sagging breasts that look like deflated balloons as battle scars. That I was strong enough to bring children into the world, and this is the mark of that strength, the beauty of the sacrifices we have made to be Mom's.

There can be great benefit to going to see a professional. Someone who can talk things through with you that has seen this in countless other Mom's and be educated enough to let you know if you need help with some medicines.

I feel your pain, and I wish I had something to offer, but all I can say is you're definitely not alone.

From what I have observed and a lot of input from others, the arrival of children on the marriage scene really affects the frequency of sex. It almost brings it to a screeching halt or turns it into an "hurry up while we can" unromantic kind of thing.

I will say when my husband got a vasectomy, that helped a LOT. Because I knew I could relax (not worry about an unexpected arrival of a child) and the hormones from my birth control pills were not wreaking havoc on my sex drive.

Hopefully, you can catch up on your sleep. My family tells me hang in there, the kids will move one day and you will get your energy back. Oh dear!

Sounds to me like you could use some great multi vitamins and some fitness routine. Even if you work out for only 30 minutes a day it will help increase your energy, tone your body and help you out.

Mainly for us women sex begins in the head. Try thinking about those things your husband does to you that get you going. If you can't figure that out then I would suggest getting in touch with that. Make it more fun and exploratory than a chore.

You can change the way you look to a degree and you should change the way you are thinking because sex begins in the mind. I'm wishing you success in trying.

I have not read all the other answers through. But, I think breastfeeding can decrease your sex drive too. Are you also not ovulating? And/or on the pill? My theory is that when you're not ovulating (from nursing), you're body is not in the mood. And others have mentioned being on the pill lowers your sex drive too.
Have you had your thyroid checked? Hypothyroidism can cause low energy and can happen after you have a baby.

I have no advice too. I could have written this except I never had big boobs :) And my kids are older. I did ask my dr recently and she's a mom too and I think there's almost something physically changed but she basically said do date nights and all vs offered something medical. I will say drinking perks me back up some. I'm hoping things change but as many people say, it's like sex becomes one more todo item and when I do have some free time, I just want to read or watch tv! Date nights do help and carving out time ahead of time also so I'm kind of "prepared". Tell your husband he needs to do xyz so you are trading some time in a way. But you're particularly in the thick of things with young kids so give yourself a break. I know my husband talks to his friends and they're all in the same boat with their wives. Have your husband chat with his friends and likely he'll hear the same. Hopefully someone else has a magic fix!