A Possible Problem???

I just want you to know I am the same way. I have 4 children and ever since my last was born 5 months ago I have no effort to want sex. I would love to want it but I just dont. I wish I had a answer but I dont. I just dont even feel sexy or anything. I dont know if its a rut or not. Just want you to know you are not alone.

i have the same problem...and now being preggers again doesnt help. before i got preggers i use to drink Red Rasbery tea. something in the rasberrys helpping me with my cramps pms and feel more willing....maybe it was in my head but you can try it....the brand is bigalow red rasberry and you can find it at the local store in the coffee tea area...

oh and birth control doesnt help either...i was on the shot and that was bad...then the patch and still bad so i stopped all together and then it seemed to slowly come back too....thats why i'm preggers again...lol

good luck i know it's a hard time

I experienced the same thing as you did after the birth of my daughter. It got better once I got off birth control pills. I know that may not be an option for you, but maybe try switching pills if you are on birth control. Good luck!

Dear M.,

I went through the same thing!!..when I was pregnant..it hurted to have sex but after I didn't want to do it either..but I just got to be more relaxed and hubby got romantic and that was it..

I think that maybe you and hubby should go away for a weekend or something, and see how that works

hope this helps

Hi I am 35 and my boy friend is 25 and we are going throw the same thing we are trying new things . And we seem to be haveing sex more it mit sound weird but go to a toy store for adults. I thought it would seem weird to ask him to try this things and he is now happy we are just haveing a little fun.LOL

M.,
wow, what a response you have gotten! well this is a fairly common thing. there are a few things to consider, which most of these ladies have hit. i had the same problem for a while. once i changed my birth control, i now have a non-hormonal IUD, i was good. there are other things that i have noticed that impact women's sex drive. what kind of shape are you in? i found that after returning to the gym and finally getting my "sexy" self back i was more sexual. how are you inside yourself? meaning, do you feel attractive, worthy and all that? that will make a big difference too. you said that you do enjoy sex, but it's just be a matter of being "in the mood",right. well having sex makes you want to have sex. i know that sounds silly, but the more sex you have the stronger your pheromones will become. and stronger pheromones means more sex drive. sometimes, want to or not, if you just get into the habit of having sex regularly you will find yourself wanting to have more sex. i was happy to see that someone mentioned having a toy party since i am also a "romance consultant". toys, books and lotions may help to spice up your relationship but you have to have the desire. hope you find what you need.
~L.

what a realief, i'm so tired of all my friends and my mom sitting there on my case, because I jsut don't wnat to have sex, at least now i know it's not just me, i wish i could ay that i have tried something and it worked but the only time i ever really want to have sex is when the kids are gone, i don't know i think a lot of it is just the day to day stress of kids and life and we all know good sex is so much harder for us than for men and who wants to put forth that kind of effort after a long day with the kids, I hope it's jsut a phase but my youngest is 4 so it's a really long phase, if you are brave enough to try toys or videos or such it's worth a try or you could try finding a sitter on a more regular basis, good luck, and I know your hubby might be unhappy buit you won't feel any better about yourself giving him sex for teh sack of him getting sex, it can actually make things worse because you will start to resent him and his wants and needs when he isn't thinking of the fact that you don't want to. take care.

I have to give you credit first of all for asking a question alot of women are afraid to ask!! :) I think it happens to us all after kids - when you've gone all day with no one but kids to talk to- gotten food and snot and god only knows what else on you - its not exactly good for feeling sexy. I totally agree with a couple of the ladies that said add some variety- I was very shy about that kind of thing and thought it would be awkward or silly but it does work. I also found after my 2nd child when the thought of sex made me want to fake illness that getting a shower, shaving my legs (because you know thats one of the things we skip as mommys:) putting on some lotion and sexy underware made me more in the mood and was a pleasent suprise for him when he got home. Hope it helps- Men and women are just so different- but I found when I started pushing myself the desire came back-- and if all else fails 2 or 3 glasses of wine always does the trick! :)

I can't believe how many ladies have accepted this "phase" as a natural consequence of getting older, or pregnant, or busy, or tired. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! You should all be out there enjoying wonderful sex lives with your partners. It keeps you young and most of all, it keeps your relationships strong. We all invest so much time and energy in our kids so that they can grow up to be happy, healthy people, yet we lose sight of the fact that a solid marriage is one of the biggest components of accomplishing that goal.
It's no secret that men have different needs than we do. That means that sometimes, we have to make the extra effort even when we don't "feel" like it. Take some of the great advice here and if that doesn't work, go see someone about this. If it's a physical issue, there are pelvic floor therapists that can help. If it's emotional, go talk to someone. Just because low sex drive is a common problem doesn't make it OK - especially since its negative repercussions can extend to depression, stress and marital problems.

First of all, are you taking the birth control pill or using another type of hormonal contraception? I know for a fact, that some women's bodies can react negatively to hormonal contraception, even if they've never had a problem with it previously. I switched to the Mirena IUD (it does contain VERY low, localized hormones) after being on the Pill for a total of 12 years, and noticed a huge difference in my sex drive. Mine had been very healthy up until the birth of my 1st child, then diminished more after the birth of my 2nd. Also, do you have any other underlying issues in your marriage? Sometimes, resentment over having an unequal balance of parenting/houeshold responsibilities, can cause a woman to feel less attracted to her spouse, without even realizing it. Additionally, any other marital issues could wreak havoc on your sex life. I agree that it's a great idea to try some variety even if you are feeling tired instead of sexy. Good luck and I hope some of these responses help you!

Ladies,

We need to have a fun party... get some of those enhancements.

I too don't have much of a sex drive.. but I also had a hystorectomy when i was 24. My aunt just started this hormone system which she received from Jill at Huey and Weprin OBGYN. She is losing weight and her sex drive is back. Might want to check it out.. They are in Englewood.

I understand your situation because I feel similiarly. My ob/gyn told me about 25% of women feel this way. You probably should change obs if your tells you it is just a phase, especially if it is painful for you. Also, think of your husband. If you love him, this is one thing to do for him out of your love for him although you'd rather not. Find a way to satisfy him somehow so he doesn't go looking somewhere else to be satisfied. Otherwise, is your marriage okay? I could go a really long time without sex but I don't to keep my husband happy, as he is a good man and a good father and I want to keep it that way. I started having little sex drive three kids ago. My ob told me about an herbal supplelment to take, and I looked into it (can't remember the name) but it was expensive and I didn't want to sign up for it online and then have all kinds of kooky email possibly from that. She also gave me a blood test and told me I had a very low testosterone level which apparently other women have much higher and this is one reason my libido is low.

Wow, I'm glad I read this! M., you are NOT ALONE!!! Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for you, but I'm glad to know that we all seem to be in this together. I had my daughter 10 months ago and still don't feel the urge to get frisky- EVER! Please let us know if you get any great advice that works for you. I'm sure we'd all love to hear it.

Good luck to you!
Katheryn

I have this same problem. After my first baby, I could care less about having sex. I can go a LONG time without wanting sex (a sexy picture of Brad Pitt or some other hottie doesn't even turn me on!!) I have been put on testosterone cream and that helps with the ability to go there...so to speak. However, it still takes me a while to warm up. My husband is very patient and does the best he can with helping me get in the mood. You might even try sexual fantasy books.
I suggest you ask your doctor for medical intervention to help you through this 'phase'. If he isn't willing, I suggest you research another practice which is more open to sexual dysfunction issues.
Good luck!

I think mine is a phase that has lasted since 1993! Once I had my kids I guess I felt like my goal was accomplished! I don't have any solutions, but I do understand. We have a new set of priorities and, let's face it...As much as we love our kids, they suck the energy right out of us...Especially if we have to work a job outside the home too. I work full time, have 2 kids plus run a 1/2 time biz out of my home at night. Many, many times a bath and sleep rank high over sex and even food. I cover my kids' needs, and I want to be off duty. Hubby doesn't help much. He works, but that's all. Does your husband help around the house? Porn or some sort of pictures, movies etc. might be helpful to "stimulate", but I have always hesitated on that lest a kid accidently find something they aren't supposed to discover..Know what I mean? Sometimes I feel like it's a lost cause...at least until they are grown and we have our house back to ourselves. P.

Hi M.,
I have the same problem you do. I just don't want to do it at all. I do enjoy it once my husband finally just decides he has waited long enough.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't even get turned on seeing my husband in the nude. I can truly say its me and not him.
I can tell you one thing this is a alomost 3 year phase for me and a 4 for you. This is the one long phase. Don't you think there is a problem here. I do and I don't know what to doe either.

WOW! I'm amazed @ how many women have these issues and are willing to just be miserable about it! First of all any OB that says that painfulsex is a phase, is wrong!!!! You may have a serious problem or Endometriosis. but you should find out why you are in pain! second, I think everyone w/ kids is tired. You run all day every day! And I can tell you I don't feel like the sexy desirable chickee-poo I used to! Sometimes I think it would help if we feel like we are more than a means to an end, if you know what i mean. We need to feel like we are desirable/wanted. not just needed. We are 'needed' all day for food and clothes and potty and shall I go on? have you talked to you hubby about how you feel? Guys don't think about things the same way we do. They just don't. sometimes, no all the times, we need to spell it out for them! They won't get offended, cuz they want some good fun too! most of the time they'll do anything for it!! lol

I would still consult a different OB. Nothing wrong w/ a second opinion! right? we get it for everything else!

I've had several female issues and one thing ALL of my research is in agreement on is pain is NOT a good thing. espcially if you didn't have it before or it's getting worse.

good Luck! Let me know how you're doing!

I don't have any advice because I've been like that since 1995 when I had my first baby. Well, I take that back, when the dr. took me off the pill a couple years ago my sex drive went way up and I ended up pregnant w/my 11 month old! LOL! BUT, that's been the only time since 1995. I don't know why either but it's never gotten better for me. I've never talked to my dr. about it but I guess I should. I'm glad you asked this question tho so I can read the responsed too and maybe get some ideas. lol! Just remember, you're not alone! : )

S.

Well that sucks! My husband feels your husband's pain. You know what helped us after my daughter was born was trying new things. Even if I didn't want to he would coax me into it...somehow. I went to a "fun party" I have a great rep named Angie if you want her number. She's awesome. Sometimes it's not so much as the drive as it is the "boredom". Same ol' things gets annoying after a while. My suggestion...Throw a fun party...get a book maybe two (they have tickle his pickle and 101 sexual positions) plenty more, but these are the two I have. It brought a lot back into our relationship. Massage oils, pheremones, little kinky stuff. Try a video or two (I know some people don't like them)but experiment. These things helped my husband and I out A LOT!!! and for your doc to say it's a phase???? Phases don't last 4 years....sorry, I would say your doc is wrong. I've got a little tricks up my sleeve if you need some ideas. Or if you would like Angie's number...I've got it!!!

Hi...I can understand what your going thru I myself still go thru it some times....I do agree with the doctor it is only a phase....maybe you can try some different things to make it more fun and exciting for you ....try setting aside a day just for you and him only....then go back and rememeber those days when it was fun for you both.....try some messages or showers together....I can only sujest trying some things that you both enjoy and then maybe it will come back...with life these days it is very hard to find time for everything. I hope I helped some what...C. M

I have been complaining of this same problem since my oldest was born in '98. Every time I would ask the gyno, they would say either it's all in my head or I'll snap out of it. I asked if they could check my hormone levels and they wouldn't even do it because they said I was too young. This was a huge problem in our marriage and eventually my husband had an affair. (PLEASE don't think I'm telling you your hubby might, I'm just telling you my story) We are now going through a divorce. I never did find anything to help although I did find I actually wanted it at one point when I lost a few pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself. I used to joke that I would rather stick pins in my eye than have sex with my husband. Good luck and tell your husband to hang in there, you are definitely not the only one with this problem. I'm sorry that I don't have a cure for you. :(

I think this is a pretty common problem. Being a parent naturally reduces your sex drive. They take so much energy that you don't have it left for anything like that. Also, you have less free time. I don't know how to fix it other than get a babysitter, go out, and have a few drinks. That always works for me.

It's nice to know that there are more people with this problem, my sex drive decreased when I got pregnant with my first son and has completely died now that I've had my second. We've tried toys, videos, different positions, all kinds of things. About the only thing that actually gets me in the mood anymore is when we actually get a night to ourselves (about every six months) we go out and have fun, drink and party then by the time we get home we end up having good sex. Even though I don't want it I do still give it up for him at least once a month but its more like an "are you done yet" situation. It's only been about three years but personally I'm getting fed up with it too and I've started looking into herbal remedies and going to try some otc meds before talking to my doctor any more. If I find sometthing that works I'll let you know but for now just know that you're not alone and let hubby know that he's not alone and you're trying to figure it out.

** I finished all my "researching" last night and found a product called Fematril, it is an herbal supplement and was ranked most effective and had the most possitive feedback for increasing the labido. Others I looked into worked better in other areas. I ordered it from Bodestore.com if you want to try it too.

I know how you feel! Since I had my son (who will be 3 in April) I could care less about sex too - I feel like I could go months, maybe years without it and still be relieved every time he fell asleep on the couch. I feel so bad for my husband because I had a VERY high sex drive for the 4 years we were together before that and he still has one and wants me and only me and wants me to want him back and I feel bad that I just could care less. He's great in bed and it's always been easy for me to O and still is most of the time, unless I'm really tired. I also know he still finds me as attractive or more attractive than before and my body looks close to what it did pre-baby so I know body image is not my problem. I think for me, I started to think of myself differently after I became a mom. I used to feel like a sex goddess, like really hot and into it and I loved that and he loved that and now I just feel like a mommy which is NOT hot! LOL! I mean for one thing your body so belongs to your child, especially if you breastfeed til he's two and then get pregnant again 2 months later like I did. LOL. My body hasn't been my own for a long time. I think it will get better once I'm done bfing this baby and that will be the end of babies for us so maybe the libido will come back. In the meantime I try to give it to my husband about once a week and try to reassure him that it's not him. I just don't know what else to do at this point but try to hang in there and hope it comes back. My mom said it gets better once the babies are out of baby stage.

M.,

I have had this same problem since my baby was born a year and a half ago. I have tried everything from toys to videos, etc.. but nothing works. I know my husband is frustrated but I don't know what to do. Absolutely nothing turns me on. I asked my doctor about it and she also told me that it was a phase but it has been 18 months!

I'm sorry that I can't give you any helpful advice but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and it sounds like many woman have this issue so don't feel like you have a problem.