Son Doesnt Want to Visit His Dad in Another State

You moved from TX to LA and now you're having trouble with the visitation schedule?
I know my son would be upset at missing baseball.
I think a good compromise would be to allow him to play baseball at Dads.
OR make it clear the he is available between x and y and he can make up the other times at spring break, etc.
Would that work?
I agree with other poster that suggested this is going to repeat every year so maybe get a new visitation schedule.

Why can't he be in the same baseball/softball team as his step brother?
If they can make the schedule work for one kid they should be able to make it work for both of them.

Ok, pls don't take my post offensive because I really just want to help. A couple of things in your post rubbed me wrong. You said your ex doesn't want to be a part of your sons life. That is such a hurtful thing to say. I hope that hasn't been said in front of your son. Obviously he cares or he wouldn't even attempt to pay for a plane ticket and force his hand (and your son's said unhappiness) to see him. I get that your son is bored during summers away from his normal routine. It is a sucky part of divorce. It's great that you and your hubby have flexible schedules, but your son needs to realize that the majority of people don't live that way. My child is bored to ters in summer too because we work-tuff nookie. We work to pay the bills (food, housing, clothes,child support). Welcome to life kiddo. They aren't mistreating him or the dad's other step kid. You complain that he can't make it to his games, but have you asked him to try and explained the importance to your son? Throwing up the boy that lives with your ex is a moot point. He lives there with him, so it's not fair to even compare the two. If he lives so far away (regardless who moved away) that he is paying for plane tickets, he probably can't just pop right over. In addition, what about other added expense of a trip there? (Hotel, gas, food, entertainment, time away from work) Are you going to put him up? You sound bitter-even after all those years...and frankly you need to let it go. I can also tell you are ruffled by step mom nudging in on mom turf. The issues you face are typical blended family issues. Your ex is avoiding confrontation with you, and it pisses you off. I get that. Boys love their sports. I got one around the same age, so I get that too. But hear me when I say that nothing and no one will ever replace that relationship with DAD. You will never get that time back. He needs that bond with him to help him into adulthood. Should you fight your ex over custody because you harbor resentment and want to be the good guy to your kid? No. You are doing irreparable damage to your child's relationship with his father and possibly effecting how he treats his own children someday. I say if it means SO much to him, let him talk to his dad about modifying his visit. You and ol' step mom can stay out of it. If dad agrees-it's a win all around! Boy gets the chance to use some life skills. If dad says no, then that's okay too. You should 100% stand behind him because he is co-parent and has just as much say as you. Allowing anything else does damage to your relationship with your son that he will later resent you for later in life! I know this because my husband lived in a similar situation. His mother pushed dad away so much, he finally gave up. Years later, my husband has a void where his father should be. Shame on my MIL. Lastly, you could do the legal thing and have the case moved to La., but it will cost. In the end, you may not like what a judge decides, and you will have spent money for nothing. Be thankful dad wants to be in your child's life. There are so many that would have just walked away. Use this time to be super mom. Dig DEEP to find those qualities of your ex and help build him up in your sons eyes. It will come back to you one day. Promise.

Which of you moved out of state from the other parent? The decision to try and raise a kid together in different states really set a difficult ball rolling. I would email back asking if you guys can together come up with an alternative arrangement. To keep the peace I would say something in the email about how you are glad his dad wants to see his son and that you know their time together is important. I can't imagine what it would be like in your ex's shoes to have less and less time with him. I think ultimately your son has the final say, as long as court agrees, but I wonder how he will ever build a relationship with his dad if they never see each other?

I can see your sons side here but it is really unfair to be so negative towards the dad and stepmom because they work. It's a little offensive to suggest that you and your husband deserve parenting time over his dad because you don't work. Although baseball is important, I think you should be encouraging his relationship with his dad including the fact that it is more important then baseball. Instead of fighting time with his father, put your effort into figuring out how he could play baseball while at dad's house. Could you sign him up somewhere walking distance from dad's house or encourage them to set up carpooling, offer to set it up and pay for it yourself or something else. In the long run, your son will be better off if you don't allow him to be alienated from his father.

I understand why your son doesn't want to play ball where dad is located. Kids who are playing a sport often are on a track within their area's teams and are trying to move up or onto different teams as they improve, and playing ball in another state will not do that for your son.....

I think your son needs to know you have his back beyond your saying that you support him, and he needs you to advocate for him more than you are. I realize that you want to "stay out of it and let him and his dad figure it out," and want your son to handle this now that he's maturing, but your son is still young enough that dad seems to be strong-arming him and saying "This is how it is." Yes, your son is at an age where he has to learn to stick up for himself and assert himself more with dad, but if the pattern has always been that dad dictates this schedule and will not even consider any changes -- your son must learn to stand up, and that means he has to be taught. Rehearse and role-play with him and have him talk directly to his dad, not his step-mom. Son should get on the phone with a written list of the specific reasons he wants to stay for baseball season and return before football practice starts. If he approaches dad with a long, clear list of specifics, dad at least can't say "You don't know what you're talking about."

I would expect dad, from what you describe, will still simply say "You have to do what I say." Then YOU need to talk to dad -- is your relationship so bad that you and the ex can't discuss this at all? Is that why he has his wife talk to you?

Before any of the above, find out the answer to your own question abut which state must handle any court actions. You really need to talk to a lawyer immediately, one who really knows custody laws and can find out about the laws in BOTH states if they apply. At what age in your state (or Texas if that applies) do children get to have a voice in court about their own custody arrangements? I have read that in some states, kids as young as 14 can speak before the court about custody and their preferences and in some states judges will listen to children younger than that! Could be younger in your state -- do you know? I am not saying drag it to court immediately, but you do need to be aware of what your son and you may have to do if dad continues to be, frankly, a jerk.

Unfortunately it's already late May and it may be too late to use the legal route for this summer, but you can plan ahead to stop the 45-day stay next summer.

It sounds like a new custody arrangement, where your son can't be legally obliged to go to dad for THAT long, is in order during the rest of the teen years or your son is going to resent dad big-time (even more than now) and honestly, he may end up resenting you somewhat for not being more assertive with dad and/or in court about this.

How would you feel if you only got 6 weeks a year with your child and you were expected to give up 2 weeks of it for baseball - which is just a game? How could playing a game be more important than a relationship with a parent? I simply don't see it.

Yeah, you need a legal consult, sorry. Sounds like a modification is already past due. I mean, if you can't just talk it over with him and come to a mutual arrangement.

I think it totally sucks your son couldn't play summer ball last year. I really hope that doesn't happen again.

:(

I would send an email to both your ex husband and his wife saying that your son wants to spend time with them this summer, but doesn't want to miss summer baseball or fall football. How can we work together to figure this out? Maybe your ex has visitation during winter/spring breaks to make up any time he loses over the summer. Maybe your ex & his wife will come up with a different suggestion. The idea is to have a conversation (in writing - that's why I'm suggesting email) focusing on your common goal: what's best for your son.

Best,
T.
SAHM of 5
14, 12, 6, 4 & 2

I didn't read through all the answers so hope I don't repeat ! Obviously his dad wants to see him since he is willing to pay for a ticket to bring your son to him. And if he is living in a different state then he can't make any games. See if his dad will invest in a video camera for you to film the games, have your son download them and send them. Then his dad gets to see the games and they can talk about them. This will be even more important during junior high and high school sports. About summer baseball - why can't your son play summer ball at his dads ? Does your son play spring & fall baseball ? If so - he may have to miss summer ball. I know he enjoys it but some things are more important. As far as the custody state goes - you probably need to call an attorney and ask them that question. I know this isn't an easy situation. Good luck to you !

I agree with you that at 13, your son should have some say so you should seek legal advice ASAP. Modifying visitation schedule can take a long time especially when they involve jurisdictional issues.

Don't know about where you would file but you will have to modify to change it. Usually parents are sensible about what is best, when they are not, you have to modify. I am going through this with my 13 and 15 year old.

I would first think about your goal. Is it to cease visitation? To end parental rights? To change or modify visitation?

I would then consider what I might be able to work out on my own with the other party. This is, IMO, something that you need to navigate with your ex, as you are the one who will be in contempt for not following the court order. I would present my ex with the baseball schedule, and offer other times in the year (like winter or spring break) to make up for time lost in the summer. While I "get" that neither you nor your son are entirely thrilled with his summer, his father's time is his father's time. We couldn't insist that my stepkids did any particular camp on their mom's time.

And sometimes it's just not possible to do what you want to do. It's unfair. My SD never got more riding lessons and dropped out. My SS struggled with not always being back in time for tryouts for football. We talked to the coaches when and where we could. Having a parent basically say, "I don't care, then, do what you want" and cut you off is still not optimal. You can't make him be the father he should, but you should also weigh what a teenager wants to do vs should do. We went through a time where my then-teen sks wanted different situations but it was not always legal or best for them. We had to weigh what they wanted vs reality. They could voice an opinion, but the ultimate decision was for adults.

When your ex says he needs a schedule that hasn't been made yet, whose schedule? If you know the coach, call or email and ask for it.

Remember, if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldn't likely want someone to blanket remove all of your visitation with your son. So try to find a middle ground. And then get it in writing and filed with the court.

I think since he's been in LA for 10 years, the LA court could have jurisdiction. Your best course of action is to get a short consult with a family law attorney and ask 1) at what age does the court take the child's wishes into consideration; and 2) if you can file in Louisiana. If your son is old enough and you can file in LA, I would file for modification of the visitation schedule.

Go to your county courthouse and get the packet to "file for modification of parenting time". Then modify it that your son can go during the summer but AFTER baseball and BEFORE football (do I have that right?). Also ask them what age your son can decide for himself, I believe AZ is either 12 or 14. At this age, school, sports and friends are their whole life. Talk to the ex and tell him he doesn't want his son to be resentful because he's making him go the entire time. Maybe he will do it? I told my ex I didn't like my kids missing church on his weekends so now on Sunday he drops them off at the second service instead of 6pm when he can have them legally. Won't hurt to ask him before you file. Good luck.

You're putting your son in the middle of both sets of parents. I don't think you're doing it intentionally, but you have no idea what he's saying to his dad. Remove him from the equation temporarily so he doesn't have to "choose" between parents. He's 13 and that's tough. Call your ex and talk to him. Let him know the schedules and that your son would like to participate. Find out when the games start at his house and come to a resolution. At this point, he has every right to enforce what's in the decree and take him for the full time without any consideration for you or his schedules. Try to figure it out without going back to court and having a judge decide for you - they really don't like that.

I think you should start with the email suggested by Tracy, and maybe you should tactfully point out that the same consideration should be given to your son not missing his baseball season that is given to his stepson, for whom everyone apparently adjusts their schedule.

The more I think about it, the more annoying this is. Baseball is important to your son and they are completely ignoring that fact?

Can your son play in his stepbrother's league? Somehow this needs to be made fair.

I personally think it's most important to listen to your son right now. I'm assuming he's a smart, grounded kid though! At his age, boys need male mentors, not their father. The absolute best place he could be is on a baseball team with male coaches as role models. He knows it and Dad needs to figure it out too. Clearly Dad could also be making a much better effort at visiting his son and not putting it all on the boy's shoulders.

You and Dad decided to divorce, and your son should not have to pay the price. At age 14, I would think that a court would have to take his opinions and needs into consideration. I think it's important for you to stand up for him and help him talk with his father. He did not get divorced, you did and forcing him to "let him and his dad figure it out" is too much for his age. He should be focusing on baseball, not custodial agreements.

To give you an idea of where my opinion comes from, my parents divorced when I was 7. My mom moved my sister and me out of state at age 9. At age 14, my sister and I decided to leave our mother and move back to our home state with our father. It was the best decision we could have made, but we were far too young to have had to do it.

Please stand up for your son and help him live his life to the fullest without being entangled in your divorce/custodial drama. Good luck to you and your son!

Call the court house in each county and ask for the county clerks office. Ask them, they are the authorities.

What does the agreement actually say? Does it say he gets 45 days or is it set dates? If it just says 45 days then you can test her back and let her know that he can not travel that day and that the dates that work for him are X until Y, but you do legally have to give him his 45 days if that is what the agreement says. It may be time to revisit, in many states once a child reaches the age of 14 they are allowed more of a voice in who they want to be with and when.

I would talk with an attorney experienced in custody issues. I suggest you and your son have other options.

If the custody agreement does not list specific dates I suggest that you do not to have to send him on the date requested by the father. If it does, you can file in court for a change in the agreement. I think once that is filed when he visits as given in previous order is not enforced. His father can have him for the 45 days by breaking the time up.

Another suggestion is to talk with a family mediator. The court can give you names. This person can coach you on how to approach your ex or possibly counsel during a three way phone call.

Because I don't know your ex and his wife I don't know how this might workout. I suggest you not send your son until after baseball. I would talk directly with your ex about how his step son is able to play sports and it's equally important that his son also be able to.

I advise talking with an attorney first if your ex will challenge changing the visit in the court system.

At 13 kids do not get to decide whether they go or not. 16 is usually the age where they can have some say. Call your lawyer. Just not sure if there is anything that can be done. The father can agree to change dates, but would not count on it. Sorry.