Sister Excluding My Daughter from Visits?

I actually agree with you...I think it is really bad form to invite one child in the family but not the other. That being said, she is well within her rights to invite anyone she wants no matter how tacky it is. It does appear to be obvious favoritism and I just would not tolerate it...period. I would probably handle it the same way you are.

IMHO, it IS an age thing. She has no choice about her own children, but it is easier to deal with 1 - 4 year old than it is 1 - 4 year old and 1 - 5 year old.

Siblings do not, and should not, have to have everything be equal. Your 6 year old should not be supported in feeling "devastated" because she is not allowed to do everything the 12 year old is allowed to do. Put her in camp for 6 year olds while he's gone, or something. You could easily come up with something special for your daughter to do when her brother is gone.

Is she going to be devastated when she is 10 and she can't drive, like her 16 year old sibling can? Etc.

ETA - Maybe that's an extreme example, but I didn't want to take the time to come up with the myriad of other things she is not going to be able to do that he will. Even though your went when he was 5 -- THINGS CHANGE -- and now your sister doesn't want a little one along. I guess she's more tired now that she used to be. And your daughter wasn't even born at that time, so she doesn't know what she missed (unless you tell her). Whatever - you have your mind made up.

The only thing I would want to know, if I were you, is if your sister plans on having your daughter visit when she is 12, as her brother did. In that case, you can present the visit to your daughter as kind of a rite of passage, and something special to look forward to when she is 12. If your sister tells you she doesn't ever want your daughter to visit (which probably isn't the case), then ask her why.

However, apparently your sister sees this as an "age thing," which means that she isn't interested in babysitting 6 year olds, but prefers older kids. Which is her absolute right.

I completely disagree with you on this. It's highly unfair to your son that you didn't allow your son to go this year, just because his sister couldn't go.

Your sister is completely reasonable and within her rights to prefer older kids and not want a younger child. And it's unhealthy for your daughter to feel entitled to do everything her much older brother gets to do.

ETA after the end of your SWH: Why did you write on here if you only wanted people to "see it your way"? If you don't want advice, just plain say that you only want a rant. It's ridiculous to write on here and ask for advice and then flame everyone by calling everyone who doesn't agree with you "BS". Totally immature. Go ahead and keep both of your kids home and tell your sister that she can go screw herself - you'll feel oh so superior. And then when you never hear from her again, you can keep feeling oh so superior.

Original:
All I'm going to say is that you are making it so that your daughter is "devastated" because you're telling her that she's not being included and you'll be keeping your son from enjoying being with his aunt. So you will just have to decide to devastate both your kids. Take your pick.

The reality is that your sister does not want to deal with a small child. Whether or not she has one or two of her own does not matter--she doesn't want to add another small child into the mix. Neither would I honestly. There is a HUGE difference between a 6 and 12 year old. And, obviously, I don't know your child, but maybe is there a behavioral reason your sister does not want to be solely responsible for her? I think you are depriving your son of some great memories and time with family . I highly doubt your daughter would've been so devastated if you weren't so obviously devastated.

Obviously you get to decide if your son gets to go or not, but I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with your sisters request, there is a huge amount of difference between the amount of care you need for a 12 year old and a 6 year old, and there are things she can do with older children she can not with two younger ones in tow (she may have a sitter lined up for her one younger child). If you want to say no then fine, but her request is not unreasonable as long as once the girl is older she would be included.

I have to disagree with you. Adding your son, who is 12, and pretty self sufficient, is totally different than adding a 5 year old.
She already has two kids...adding another one close to the younger ones age is a LOT more work.
I think it's awesome that auntie wants to spend time with your son, you are doing him a disservice by not allowing him to have some time with her...without his sister.
I have 3 kids. Sometimes one goes with an Uncle (I have 4 brothers) and sometimes the other goes. My older one has gone to Sounders games with my family while the younger stays home with me. Sometimes the younger one goes and does fun things without his siblings.
Life is NOT always equal. You could have made this a really fun mom and daughter time while her brother is gone.
Don't support her in feeling "devestated" over something that really isn't that devestating.
When my two older boys go off for the day, weekend, and it's just my daughter and I (she is closing in on 4 years old) we say, "Yipee!! It's mommy and Olivia time!!" And then we go and do something fun!
L.

Obviously they're your kids and you'll do whatever you feel is best for your family.

But, personally, I'm with your sister 100% on this. WHY should she have to take both kids? She's free to invite anybody she wants. I would MUCH rather host a 12 yr old only than a 12yr old AND a 6yr old (ESPECIALLY since she already has 10 and 4yr olds). 6yr olds are HIGH maintenance and need a lot of attention. I ALSO see it as an "age" thing and not a "family" thing. Maybe your sister thinks it would be too difficult with a 12yr old, 10yr old, 6yr old and a 4yr old. Maybe her 4yr old is high maintenance enough and she doesn't want another young child around. I can think of SO many reasons she'd only invite the 12yr old and not the 6yr old.

I would also be grateful for the invitation and let my child go and explain to my younger one that it's not their turn for that trip yet. And I WOULD totally expect an invitation for my daughter when SHE is 11. Perhaps your sister is planning on this future trip someday?

a 12 year old doesn't need much supervising. a 6 year old does. the fact that she has a 4 year old makes her behavior even more understandable, while she is occupied with her 4 year old, your 12 year old won't need her as much as a 6 year old does.i think you are cheating your son out of a great vacation because you think your daughter should go too. obviously, your sister can't handle 4 kids, she thinks she can handle 3 kids, so why not go with that.
looks like you have made a decision, but i'm saying, you're in the wrong.

Did you have a heart to heart with her? There could be a number of reasons. Maybe she can't afford 2 tickets. Maybe the kids don't get along. Maybe she prefers older kids. Maybe next year you can trade. She takes one and you take one of hers. Maybe this is her vacation and she doesn't feel like entertaining 4 kids. Could your daughter stay with another relative in the same area? Look for a solution instead of turning your daughter into a devastated victim.

Just out of curiosity why doesn't the parent of the flying child buy the plane ticket? Not a put down, it just surprised me that in your family the host family pays. Doesn't seem fair.

i think it's absolutely ridiculous to expect the exact same treatment for kids spaced this widely apart.
but i'd still think it was ridiculous even if they were twins.
why on earth can't your sister have a special one-on-one relationship with your son, whom she clearly adores? if these were my kids i would consider it my maternal duty and obligation to comfort and work with my 5 year old in learning that not everything is the same across the board for all people under all circumstances before she has more rude awakenings in the real world.
your daughter isn't being excluded, she's being pushed and encouraged by her mother into intruding where it's inappropriate.
i would take the wonderful opportunity to have blissful one-on-one with my beloved younger child. we'd have such adventures!
your poor sister. and your poor daughter, if indeed you shove her into a situation where she's not 100% welcome.
ETA your SFW is full of entitled spoiled brattiness. i'll bet you're a real peach to deal with IRL.
khairete
S. (who has a favorite aunt and no bones about it)

Well, maybe her hands are already full. An 11-12 year old is usually much better at adapting to change/being without parents while a 5/6 year old is more likely to get homesick and not do so well... Especially if she is going to family she only sees once a year. The older kid will also be MUCH less work- he can pretty much take care of himself, while the younger kid will need to be supervised and entertained... While she is already doing so with her own young child.

I can definitely see this being an age thing. Why not let him visit home, and you can get some special one-on-one time with your daughter?

Does your son really want to go? I'm sorry but if he does then I don't see how punishing him just because his sister isn't invited is fair either. My kids have lots and lots of cousins and I never had an "all or none" visiting policy. I let them go when and where they were invited, whether it was one or two or all three of them.
I think you're making this more about you and your daughter and ignoring the great invitation extended to your son.

"...carry that pain with her for years on end for being constantly left out."

Seems like she wasn't asked when she was 5 or 6. Your son was 11 & 12.

I think adding a 12 year old to the mix is O. thing--a 5-6 year old? Different ballgame.

So...I guess you'll wait til daughter is 10 to let your then 16 year old son go again?
No-wait!
Then your youngest will only be 7, so they'll ALL have to wait 6 more years, right?

Visiting with a 12 year old is a completely different thing than babysitting a 5 year old. There are lots of things that 12 year olds can do that 5 year olds can't. Your daughter needs to learn to accept that.

Wait a minute - I didn't even consider this .....would she have enough room in the car for all the kids? Three fit, four requires two cars for most people...........also another good point made was that older kids often want a friend around where younger kids it just adds more mayhem and thirdly.....maybe its not about your daughter - maybe her younger one has behavior problems and adding another young one to the mix might make for a terrible time. I agree with some of the other posters - I think you are making your past issues front and center with this. Trying to right some wrong that you perceive was done to you by this sister? I am the youngest too (of four) and I was treated like an outsider because quite simply having a younger sibling around can be annoying.....its not personal, just how older kids feel. I think if you took a poll all of us younger kids had similar experiences. I am sorry that yours hurt you - but this isn't the same thing and from my perspective I see you bringing old hurts and making it an issue now for something that isn't related.

What I found interesting is that there is no mention of you reciprocating? Do you have her kids come visit with you? If not, maybe you should refrain from judging? It's tough to take on more kids ----- 6 year olds need a lot of attention. The fact that she has one a similar age doesn't mean she wants another to care for.........when are you taking her kids again and watching the four of them ?????
Honestly I get where you are coming from but think you may be being very sensitive - or maybe you need a break and want her to take both?

Here is another take on your situation. Your sister has boys and you one of each. She is not familiar with raising a daughter. Sometimes it just feels easier to have all of one sex than two when you have a choice of whom you want to visit your home.

As you mentioned in your SWH that being the youngest you didn't get to do what the others had done and were viewed as a pest or PIA. That is life. Older kids do not always want to have a young sibling "hanging" around them 24/7 regardless of what the parents perceive.

There is no way you will fix or change the feelings and thoughts of others. If you continue to press the issue, your daughter is the one that will suffer as she will not be invited to anything. Your son at some point in the future is going to tell you pointblank that he does not want his sister tagging along or avoid her altogether.

I know life is not fair and we don't all get to do everything everyone else does. It is a lesson better learned young at home than at college or work were feelings don't and won't matter.

Sorry you were treated so badly when you were young. Sorry you got scared and it is carrying over.

the other S.

Where were you "constantly left out" as a child? What pain from your childhood are you still carrying? Is it possible this is about some unresolved issue deep within you and not just about your daughter?

Hi M.,

This hit very close to home. My brother and his wife excluded my youngest (by 3 years) from a trip to DisneyWorld. They told me that only the older cousins were going. It took my husband and me a long time to decide to let my oldest go. I found out later from my daughter that children younger than my youngest were there. It blew up in everyone's face. No, my daughter didn't have a tantrum or meltdown. She was very mature. She decided that her Uncle and Aunt didn't want her around. It changed her. Children that are excluded, change...and not for the better. My brother and his oblivious wife are not a part of her life.

Time with your uncles and aunts are supposed to be special. Yes, they have favorites but oh, my...they should hide it! Showing favoritism is cruel.

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't let them take one without the other.

Regards,
M.

I don't want to sound mean, I just have a different way of thinking - is it possible your daughter is not as well-behaved as your son? I have two nieces that have two kids each - I refuse to invite one of my nieces' two children to special visits, (I'm not talking about family get-togethers), at my house because they are little monsters. It's bad enough I have to tolerate them at other peoples' houses and family functions; I don't have to tolerate them in my own house!

Just a thought!!

P.S. To address your comment - I HAVE spoken to my niece, and her mom (my sister) about her children. We have had several conversations - in fact, she has asked for my advice several times but chooses to ignore any tips I've given. She is very young and immature and when out socializing she chooses to be totally oblivious to her kids' behavior. Her kids are finally at an age where they know how they SHOULD behave, they choose to continue to be little monsters because they know there are no consequences. So again, I have to tolerate them at family functions; but I don't have to invite them into my house for special visits.

Perhaps the dynamics of having four children are a problem for your sister. Your daughter is an additional child that needs a booster seat in the car. Is your sister there with a spouse? - how many seats are in the car? Perhaps she is depending on your 12 year old to entertain her 10 year old so she can spend some time with her 4 year old and that the 10 year old doesn't bother her 4 year all the time. I think this has really hurt your feelings too. Are there other family relatives in your "home" state?--maybe grandma or grandpa or other aunts and uncles? Perhaps your daughter would be welcome to visit with them. Also, have you ever volunteered to invite her children to visit you and how would you manage that?

Is your son her first nephew? Because she might feel more bonded with him then she feels with your daughter. Personally I think favoring 1 child over another is terrible. Stick to your guns and keep making it both or neither. That will send your daughter the clear message that she is important (because she is important) and loved just as much as her brother.

Maybe her personality and your daughter's just don't mesh well. It happens. My niece and nephew have completely different personalities. Neither is poorly behaved (my sister and bil make sure of that), but my niece is very "girly" and I am not.

I agree with you completely 😊

I agree that both children should go or neither one goes because it's a family thing. If the reason for only flying one is money I suggest that could be worked out. But it sounds like she isn't even inviting the youngest. That's not fair to either child. It causes bad feelings bbetween them As well as hurt and/or angry feeings within the whole family.

Perhaps your sister could tell you why she wants this and you could find a compromise. Is your sister the only adult involved? Perhaps your youngest could stay with someone else. Instead of saying a flat no ask if you could work out a compromise.

If your sister can't afford a second ticket and you feel so strongly about this I suggest getting a loan or charging the ticket would be reasonable.

it hurts that for sure, However, could be she is also more concerned about her older child (who may be requesting that the older cousin visit) while at the same time, hasn't said, oh bring the younger one too... this happens a lot... and yes, it's an age thing... also, maybe your sister doesn't want the added responsibility of a younger child.. That said, it would be nice if everyone could be together and welcome older and younger... I am not sure you should make her chose both or none... you could send the older one and you and the younger one enjoy bonding time.. in a way, you are making your older child suffer now too... it's like when an older kid gets invited to a bday party and for some reason, parents think the younger ones should also go... I just think as kids get older, for a time, they don't want younger ones around and parents often force that issue.. also.. when your sister had one kid, maybe she wasn't as stressed, but now with two of her own, it's would be hard to watch four at once. I can see both sides, on the other hand... if I were your son, I might feel upset that you disallowed me a trip because of my sister...

I think she has her hands full with 2 pre-teens and a pre-schooler already.

She may do boys better than girls too. I get along with guys a thousand times better than other women.

If she comes back to the country she needs to make a stop in your state and see all of you. If you're not going to go there to visit.

I think she is probably one of those who don't really like younger kids. I don't like babies. I said that right here. I don't get the whole thing. They smell like formula and poop and they cry.

I like kids that walk and talk and can do everything by themselves. I like when they don't have accidents, don't need me to hold their hand in parking lots, don't want my constant attention.

If I had a choice I'd probably invite an older kid instead of a little one.

I do think she has no idea how this is effecting your daughter. I'd be annoyed and upset too. But all in all, she has the right to invite who she wants. As your younger one gets older she may invite her too.

Just because your youngest is old enough to fly alone doesn't mean she should too.

I have three grandchildren, two boys ages 7 and 8 and my granddaughter, age 3. I have all of them quite a bit and the three year old once a week all by herself when the others are in school. I choose to take only the boys to various weekend activities because I want to. You can do totally different things with older children than with little ones, no naps needed, they get themselves ready, they can wait in line longer and more patiently, they get into their own car seats, etc. It is nothing against the little one, just easier and a lot more fun for all of us. I guess I don't understand the attitude that all children have to do everything the same. It just isn't real life. Why not just be happy and thankful that your sister wants to take your son and let him have some time away from his sister. Your daughter will be home with you and you can do special things with just her.

I agree that youngers have to accept they can't have everything at the same time as older sibs do, but . . . as long as your sister has her 2 kids, and one of them is younger as well, I wouldn't allow my youngest to be the only one excluded. It's not an age thing if she's including her 4 year old in the gathering. If she's taking just the older kids to a play or an event or something, I could accept that as an age thing. But if both of her kids are included, it is not kind for her to invite just one of yours, leaving your younger the only one excluded. I would decline and hold firm.

Could she be using age as a nice diplomatic excuse when it is really your daughter's behavior?

It might be hard for your sister to tell you without you getting defensive about it.

You mentioned you have a 3rd child and you are okay with him being excluded because of his age. If the airlines didn't have the age restriction would you want all 3 to be invited?

edit: it breaks my heart to hear my daughter cry when her big brother gets to do something and she does not. And I also understand that your example is about family and wanting your daughter to feel included.

me thinks your sister openly prefers your son, and if you allow it to continue, it will only get worse..tell your sister, thanks but no thanks..my daughter needs to go with her little brother to keep him safe and keep him company..dont like it..too bad. you wouldnt want your daughter to get used to the ideal that her brother is welcome somewhere, but she isnt simply because she is a girl and her isnt. K. h