Question About Boundaries with Mother in Law

You need to talk and do it NOW. Where is her son and are you talking to him about this? She is in control if you have to dance around her. My first MIL was a lot like that. She gave my 3 month old twins Xmas stockings full of candy and cried when I did not let them have any! She even tried to take over the dog! Make a stand and require your husband to stand with you. She has a problem, not you. Take a long term view and see what you will teach your children about family relationships if this continues.

I have been on both sides of the fence with this whole MIL issue (I have had an overbearing MIL and no MIL) and know how you can feel with an overbearing MIL. Communication is sometimes the hardest thing, talking with the hubby-pointless or backstabing, talking with the MIL-very uncomfortable. Understand though, your family may be the only family she has or feels close to.

Also, try to get involved with the two of them more so you don't feel like the outsider. It sounds like the MIL is making up for lost time when she does come visit. Just try to talk with your MIL about involving you in activities like opening presents on Christmas (as a mother she should understand). If she wants to bake cookies with your daughter, go take a bath, spend one-on-one time with your son, do last minute X-mas shopping, or go out to dinner with your hubby. I'm sure as a mother you will have many many opportunities to bake cookies with your daughter.

Good luck & I hope you find peace with the situation, because she isn't going away anytime soon :)

It's fine for grandparents and the grandchild to bond. Some children don't have such loving Grandparents or, in my case, my children only have Grandma because the other Grandparents passed away already.

That being said... well, Remember, YOU are the Mommy...but, by your choice, you let Grandma "take over." Your intentions were so that they can enjoy each other since Grandma lives away. That's nice.

Letting Grandma "take over" when she is around....and letting yourself just sit on the sidelines... is kind of counterproductive. You are then truly "letting" Grandma "take over." You can certainly let Grandma and your child have fun and do things...but how come you don't make yourself a part of that too? You don't have to be "invisible" when the 2 of them are together. As a Mom, with a strong personality Grandma/MIL... certainly I think it would be best to make your presence and your "leadership" of your own family paramount.
You don't have to be heavy handed...but maintain your role of Mommy of your daughter, you don't have to "delegate" that role to your MIL.

For your MIL to display jealousy and "compete" with you for the attention and love of your daughter is... well, I would be irritated too. MIL IS competing with you. This is not cool. And her "happiness" is based on "conditional acceptance" and how many events you make it to in a year? Good grief. How about YOUR own family and visiting them? Or does she compete with them too? That's another Oprah.

Anyway, back to the subject: When my MIL says something to my Husband, (she lives in another country) about our raising our kids...my Hubby always says "I'll check with Susan about that..." or he will tell her "We're fine, we have our own way..." In essence...you are "gently" showing her who is boss... and showing her boundaries. There is a pecking order... and a child's Parents are FIRST of course, over the raising of YOUR child.

Your child is enjoying her Grandma's unfettered attentions and probably less "rules." It's great she loves Grandma so much and feels close to her. Yet, don't make your girl feel "wrong" for that... she is just a child. Yet, at the same time, I would hope your MIL is NOT the type to try and tell your child things behind your back in order to gain her "loyalty." That would be real dysfunctional and plain wrong and childish for an adult to do.

Ideally, of course, you would want a MIL that respects that YOU are the Mom, and knows her boundaries. Well, she is encroaching on that already. Why can't you just talk with your MIL, adult to adult, in a reasonable fashion and express to her your concern? Maybe, to give MIL the benefit of the doubt... maybe she does not realize she is UNDERMINING your role?

And, where is your Husband in all of this? He should be supporting you, you are his wife and this is his family. He's a grown man and not a boy. He could also speak to your MIL if this is a real problem. If she leaves the room and pouts and acts unbecoming like this... then so be it. It's just not right to pit a Parent against their own child. (ie: you against your own child). Because this is what your MIL is doing.

Again, your daughter is 4 years old and you want her to grow up with good feelings about her Grandma. Children need their Grandparents too. There was a time, when my own Mother would get "jealous" when my children would pay more attention to other people and not her and she would comment in front of the other people! I would "remind" my mother, that THEY are the children, SHE is the adult so let it go. Sure she didn't like it....but she knew I was right. And now, she has come to terms that she won't always be the one getting attention. I would not let her make her "jealousy" a "problem" in MY family. No. Boundaries.

Also...as my daughter has gotten older, and per her maturity... my Hubby & I ALWAYS remind our daughter that no matter what... WE are the ones who decide things for her in important matters, and that WE are her "Parents".. not Grandma or Aunty. You see, there was a time when my girl would get "confused" about who to listen too...and who to follow....as Grandma & Aunty are strong women (with good souls), and they would tell my girl things that were outside of their "jurisdiction" so to speak. Because of that... we had to "step in" so to speak, and quite diplomatically tell them that THEY must ask my Hubby & I for any decision or discipline matters concerning our child and it is WE who will decide. NOT them.

THIS has clarified much, and put things in perspective for them. Also, our daughter is much happier and less confused about "who" to listen to. WE are her parents, and she comes to us and is more peaceful about it. If Grandma or Aunty tell her something, my daughter will always say to them "Wait, I need to go ask Daddy/Mommy first..." Meanwhile, Grandma & Aunty are less "possessive" about things. And we all still get along, no problem.

Hope this helps. Just my opinion. I'm sure there will be LOTS of other suggestions and experiences.
Hang in there, and take care. Everyone has pangs of this sort of feelings, at least you can admit it and seek other perspectives on it.
Take care,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Right now what you have to do is to take a step back and remind yourself of how blessed you are to have a MIL that is so bonded with your daughter. I understand the jealousy and the part about spending the special holidays with your daughter. The way to handle that is to openly communicate this to your MIL, tell her that you had special plans with your family for Halloween, but you would love for her to visit the week before or after to do some fun Fall activities.

It is so wonderful that your daughter has another mother figure to ook up to. As long as your MIL respects your parenting strategy and doesn't try to go against your rules (If she does, you need to put your foot down and confront her, lay your ground) then let your daughter get as close as she can to her. She won't be around forever and your daughter needs those memories. She also needs someone to confide in when she can't come to you or needs another perspective. I know that sounds horrible, but the truth is, when she's older and having a problem she can't talk to you about (as much as we want our children to come to us about everything, lets face it, they won't) wouldn't you want her to seek advice from grandma, who will probably give her better advice that other kids her age?
Another benefit of grandma is that you trust her to care for your children. If there's an emergency or you have another baby, the closer you stay with her, the more she''ll respect the way you want things done.

Of course she's going to want to show you up or desire more attention from your daughter, she's grandma. She thinks she knows everything. Her pouting might get on your nerves, but deep down she understands.

Whatever problems there are, just talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Open the door of communication and tell her you feel a tad jealous and I'm sure you'll hear some things from her you might not have expected.

Whenever I begin to project constant strong negative thoughts about another person, I take a step back and try to figure out what is going on with me. Despite what others say, it isn't about her. It is about me. In this situation, it isn't about your MIL, it is about you.

I like this advice because the only person you can control is yourself. So, why focus on something you cannot change?

Here is a link to a site that define the root cause of jealousy. http://www.2knowmyself.com/Dealing_with_jealousy/causes_f...

Life is so short. One day her Gramma won't be here. One day you and your husband will be the oldest in your family and will remember with the fondest memories the love your children had for their grandparents. You will replay the smile on your daughter's face when she talked about her Gramma.

I don't know how it feels to be a grandparent, however, I hear from grandparents that it is a deep welling of love and pride of this little child that is so precious and young and beautiful. It is different because you've raised your children and do not have the paranoid-parent thoughts. You can truly enjoy your grandchildren for the light they bring to the world.

Cherish the days when your parents and in-laws spend with your children. It brings fullness to your children's lives and a completeness of family and belonging and acceptance and love. Nurture this bond because one day it will be gone.

My mother died a few years ago and I remember her face when she would see my boys. Pure delight.

im sorry your going through that. i know how you feel but i live with my in laws. my mil gets made if her and my fil dont get to play with my daughter (i put my hubbies time with her first over them) and i do it all by myself i dont ask them for help. what i would do is let her do a few things with your daughter and then maybe play a game you all three can enjoy. i can also feel your tension for when your child is sitting with you. my baby is a big mamas girl and i get the looks and that sighs to the point she leaves the room to. maybe already have some fun plans for your daughter (like a water park day) and invite her to tag along and then you can make all the effort to be with your daughter and you mil can feel apart to. i hope this is helpful. good luck!

Hi H.:
You've recieved some pretty good advice here,but I was compelled to write a few words,when I read your request.I've seen all different sides of Grandparenting.. I truely missed having a relationship with my grandma,as a child. Unfortunately,my mother and her disliked each other so much, that I rarely got to spend time with her.When I had my sons,My mother lived quite a distance,then moved back to California...I thought it was so she could be closer to the kids. My boys are adults now, and sadly,neither can recall any fond memories with Grandma. I had a mother-in law,that loved my sons and was (very involved) and I am a Grandmother myself now. First, understand that the feelings of hurt or jealousy,are quite normal.You feel a little bit threatened,of loosing that close bond with your daughter.Please let me assure you,that its (for not) You are her (Mother) You'll always be Number one! You and her daddy of course.You need to realize, that her Grandma Does the things she does strictly out of love for your daughter,not to (hurt your feelings) When she comes to visit and does these little projects with her, like make (santa cookies) she is attempting to (create fond memories) with her.She probably has wonderful memories of her and her own grandmother doing things like that. She knows she won't be around forever, and wants to leave some special times,with her in your daughters heart.There is nothing wrong, with you joining in. It would be just as memorible,to have the three of you baking together.Don't feel as though your a third party.You are her mother.The only reason you feel hurt, is because you failed to (Join IN) and be a part of it.Your daughter ,talks about living with Grandma,because she loves her,and her mentioning it,shows her knowledge of Loyalty at a very early age. This is something you should be proud of.Don't let this all be a problem for you. You'll have far more important maters,to fret about later on as your daughter matures. The very best to you hun.

Oh H.! I am SO SORRY you are going through this. I agree with Jacqueline W. whole heartedly. I think you are the only one to know how she is stepping into your role as mother and if you are compelled to ask for help in a forum then things are not too positive right now. I have had a great ex-MIL and an okay MIL. My DH's mom is ok, but she has issues about "cutting the umbilical cord" with her boys and it's been rocky at times. She has, at times, undermined me when it came to the care of my then 1 month old son (who rarely allowed in her care since). So believe me when I tell you I can imagine how you feel.

If I were you, the first thing I'd do is talk to your husband and see if he sees what you see. If not, then what does he see? If he has a strong attachment with his mom then this might be harder to deal with because it will feel like everyone is ganging up on you. But be confident that you are the only one that feels what you feel...and you are not crazy for feeling the way you do. It sounds like you're MIL is aware of what she is doing, but maybe not to the extent that you see. So after you have made your feelings clear with your DH and have talked over what is going on, I think you should actually sit down with her if possible (just you and her) and lay your cards on the table. Try not to be defensive if you can. I think you've mulled over all this long enough to have tried to see both sides and, despite your time and energy, still feel like there is a power struggle. So be confident, be firm and be understanding.

When I had to tell my MIL to stay out of our family business (how we handle our money, how our house is clean ect) I had to ask her to come over to visit. When the kids were in their own world, we talked and I started saying, "Now I know you care about us very much and that you only want the best for us. I want you to know that I appreciate it, but I am having a hard time with the fact that you are critical about the way our house is clean & I feel you are still trying to parent us." Her response was VERY VERY defensive, but I kept reassuring her that she is still important to us and that I appreciate that she cares BUT my feelings were hurt and we needed to fix this. I had to remind her that even if that wasn't what she was doing, that is what I FELT she was doing. There is a big difference because if I said, "You are parenting me" and she said, "No I'm not" then one of us is wrong. If I said, "It FEELS like you are parenting me" she can't argue that because that IS how I felt. She can't discount your feelings since you are the only one who knows how you feel. Anyway, after a while the defensiveness stopped and we were able to both talk with our guards down. There were things she didn't like and I listened to that. But ultimately it is our house, not hers and she needed to understand that we do things differently then she might. After everything was said and done, she thanked me for coming to her and talking with her. She said it meant a lot that I was respectful enough to come to her and tell her how I felt and she was grateful she had an opportunity to do the same. We haven't had too many bumps in the road since and it's been great.

Now everybody is different so some people may not come around at all. But with your given situation it will definitely stay the same if not get worse...so even if this doesn't work I think it maybe worth a try. I feel it is important to have a relationship with grandparents, but their needs to be boundaries. If you are not clear what your boundaries are, then your MIL won't know when she's crossed them. Plus you may want to do more as a threesome if you can. You can have a "girls day" with your MIL and daughter and do something you think all three of you may like (ie nails, hair, clothes shopping, lunch ect). If you make an effort to include your MIL all the time while she's there, maybe her urge to come see your daughter won't be so strong. For example: maybe have your daughter sit in between you and your MIL so that you'll get to be by her, and then maybe your daughter won't feel pressured into choosing who to sit by either.

I hope some of this helps. Please keep us posted...I'll keep you in my thoughts! Good Luck!!!!

H., Let me tell you a little about myself. I have 4 kids and MY mother or father could care less about them or what is going on in their lives. They never acknowledge birthdays, Christams, or any other holiday. So be thankful that you are on the other side. It hurts me terribly that this is the situation, but I have learned to accept it and so have my children. I have a 2 year old and hardly ever take him over to visit them. I have noticed on several occasions that they are not happy that he is in their home. I have 7 other sisters and they are the same way with their kids as well, so it is just not me. Be happy that your MIL is glad to spend time with your child. I would LOVE for that to happen with my kids. Unlike all the other advice you received about you looking back and enjoying the look on your MIL's face I will never have that. So enjoy it.