My Daughter Is a Stranger

share this forum with her. Let her know how you feel. Maybe she'll tell you how she feels......because there are always two sides to every issue.

What really jumps out at me ....is how focused you are on the money side of things & how focused she is on the control side of things. Maybe you can meet in the middle. Good Luck!

I may be on the wrong track here, but from your post, it sounds like there is an awful lot of emphasis on money. Money is the number one cause of marital problems. If money has always been at the root of your relationship with your daughter (you made the point that you handled money poorly as you tried to "buy" your children with things), then you need to find another level to get to know her on. I am not sure how to go about that, and don't have any magical advice there. Sorry. But, from reading your post, if I were your daughter, I too, would likely be very cautious around you and anything having to do with finances. Did you hint at she and her husband "helping you out" (she might have heard "bailing you out" instead of helping you figure out a budget)? It sounds as if she may think you didn't have to stop working... is there any basis for her to hold that opinion?

I would not be surprised if she has put up barriers to keep herself from falling into the "traps" of money management that you fell into. It is very easy to do what you know (saw your parents do) without noticing. Or maybe she feels awkward being so financially stable when she knows that you aren't. Or maybe she is wondering how long before you ask her for money? And wondering how to balance that request that she just knows is coming with her feelings on money management and her own marriage, again, recognizing that money is the biggest cause of marital problems. She has been through a divorce once before: yours. There is a lot of emotional baggage here.

Money can create all kinds of problems for people. Both those who have it and those who don't. If you feel you must bring up money issues with her, I would limit it to asking for a reference of an advisor she might recommend to you. Otherwise, leave money out of the conversation and relationship.
Other than that, I don't really have any advice, unless you want to clear the air and tell her how aware you are of your own past mistakes and shortcomings, and that you have no intention of asking her for money.
All the best.

I am so sorry for your heartache. Maybe just sharing this letter with her will shed some light on the relationship between you two.

Good luck and take care.

What happened to you and your daughter sound very similar to the story I have with my own mother.
She was married young, divorced young and in no way prepared or mature enough to raise me and my sister.
I feel very fortunate, because we had a horrible relationship when I was a teenager and my sister was a teen mother with mental health issues (in part due to my mother's irresponsible behavior when we were growing up) we were forced to work out our relationship early on.
We both did individual counseling and though we did not have sessions together, when I was in my early twenties, we really worked very h*** o* our relationship. A big part of that was that she acknowledged her mistakes and apologized. As a child, I always blamed myself for her shortcomings, getting that apology as a young adult was very important to make over our relationship.
Your daughter may not be ready to explore counseling to improve your relationship - or maybe that time has passed for her. That does not mean that you cannot get help, it will be helpful for other aspects of your life as well and can help to show your daughter that you are serious about working on yourself.
Now, 15 years down the road, my mother, like you, is disabled and still cannot handle money. She knows better than to ask me for it. But the rest of our relationship is great... we worked very h*** o* it for many years.
Maybe that can give you a little hope.
Good luck.

I read your question and your so what happened. I am so sorry. I am glad your son treats you well. I don't think your daughter is treating you very well. It sounds like she thinks she has life all figured out. Because everything has fallen into place so nicely for her (though I'm sure she did work hard for it also) she must think there is no excuse for your life having been the way it was. But she is forgetting something -- she had the benefit of your life to learn from. Also, she was raised by different parents than you were and she may have had opportunities you did not have. It sounds like she is being very intolerant of you because you are not as "perfect" as she is. Someone needs to remind her of the old saying, "There but for the grace of God go I." She should count herself blessed that her life is going so well and not look down on those whose lives are not the same.

I say this because I am a 37 year old daughter. My husband and I do comfortably well and (I think) make pretty wise life decisions. My mother, on the other hand, has struggled all her life with finances and poor life decisions. I love my mother very much and I know that I am the person I am today because she helped raise me. She did not hide her mistakes from me, but let me learn from them instead. She even cautioned me to not make the same mistakes she had made (for example, to graduate from college before getting married). I wish she made better decisions and it frustrates me that she does not, but I have always offered her my assistance (not with money) and I always treat her with respect. I know that a lot of her problems are because my grandparents didn't teach her as well as she taught me.

I am telling you this so you'll know you don't deserve to be disrespected just because you may not be as wealthy or "wise" as your daughter. She obviously doesn't realize it, but she probably has you to thank for her "wisdom" and good life because SOMEONE had to raise her to be this way. Her comment that she doesn't talk to you because you do nothing worth conversing about was conceited beyond belief. You shouldn't agree with her when she says things like that. You have to respect yourself if you expect her to respect you as well. I'm sure you didn't feel like conversing with her about boys and make-up when she was a teen, but you did it anyway because you love her.

My advice to you is to not act ashamed, inferior, or submissive when you talk to her. It sounds like she is the type who would just act more haughty if you do so. Instead, hold your head up, speak clearly and without hesitation, sound confident, and remind her that she didn't grow up all by herself. Remind her that not everyone has the same opportunities, upbringing and education. Tell her that you are happy her life has been so blessed but that you love her, want a good relationship with her (one of mutual respect). Personally, I would also tell her that how you treat others (especially those you love) is more important than how big your house is or how perfect your life is. If you don't feel you can speak to her with confidence because she intimidates you, then you might try writing in a letter.

Show her your posting... this very heartfelt post, which you wrote to us....
I almost cried... reading this.
I really send you hugs...
I hope the best for you.... I really feel for you.
If this were my daughter... I would cry. Because, we all know, that at one time... our children loved us.... or loves us... but their current life, changes them... sometimes temporarily or they just are not like how we thought they were.

If you have any other family... perhaps reach out to them...

In some cultures... it is the responsibility of the offspring... to help their elders/parents.... out of respect. Out of love. Out of basic caring.

Your daughter... seems to 'forget'.... what struggles you had as a single parent raising her... and all that you sacrificed, doing so.

How is your other child?

If you were my Mom... I would do whatever I can... monetarily or not. I would not want to see my Mom suffer, or go homeless...
And, you are on Disability. Your daughter cannot ignore that.
Or maybe, her Husband, is affecting her moral caring...

Susan

I am not sure what to say. My instinct says you should talk to her. Tell her how you feel.

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Sometimes it takes a long time for others to forgive. Maybe they won't ever forget but ask your daughter to forgive the things you did that maybe helped cause her feelings now. Then let it go, live life, keep loving her and others and pray that time will help her see life as it should be. That's all you can do. You can't force love and respect from someone even if they are wrong not giving it. I hope you can move on and past the pain and grief.

Have you told her yourself how you feel? You're not good with money.... not everyone is.... you tried your best raising your children and maybe she doesn't see it that way. You both need to clear the air and get some sort of a relationship going. Sounds like she has put her past behind her and doesn't want to look back, but remind her you are still here! Not to be a thorn in her side, but to get to know her again and her family.

It's awesome that she has everything the wanted & planned for. But she should at least give you the respect you deserve..... Your lack of financial control could actually be why she is so good with her finances. She sees what you have been through and doesn't want that for her and her own.

Explain to her that you don't want $ from them, just help. Help putting a payment plan in order - yes you're the mom you're older, but it's a weak point for you and she knows it. We all have our strong points and weak points. Ask her to help you to become a "stronger point person". If she' has any respect for you then she should help you.

After all, you are and always will be her mother. And even thoguht she worked her butt off to get where she is she needs to remember where she started and look at that from a different angle instead of down!!!

Good Luck & God Bless,

T.

In my opinion you should just go about this slowly. Try sending her a nice card occasionally. Send them when there is not a holdiay (bday, anniv, etc) so that it will hit her out of the blue. Tell her you love her and would love to spend time with her. Invite her children over for the afternoon, or to spend the night. When people know you love their children their hearts open wider. You just have to keep trying. Maybe she is having a hard time understanding why it is so hard for you to get by when it seems easy for her. Good luck to you.

I feel sad for your heartache, V.. One thing I've learned, living next door to my mom with the intention of being here to assist her as she ages, is that you can't make yourself love someone when you just don't. As obligated as I feel to be a good daughter, I doubt that I will ever be a loving daughter, able to demonstrate affection the way my mom craves it. I might find out over the next decade or so, before my mom dies that I love her. If I do, it will come as a surprise.

If you can make peace with the fact that you did the best you could with your own knowledge and impulses, for better or worse, and learn to respect yourself, your daughter may come to respect you, too. If your attitude toward her is one of need, if there's anything pathetic in your pleas for connection with her, she may never be able to respond.

Considering your money history with her, I can fully understand her caution in letting you near her again. I would keep all future contact with her as upbeat and positive as possible. Report whatever good is going on in your life. If there's not much of that now, make it happen. Join a club, read good books, volunteer in some way that's meaningful to you, take a class – whatever you can that will create some upward trajectory for you.

And ask her specific questions about your grandchildren – things you'd like to know. What are their interests, life goals, worries, favorite books or games? Remember their birthdays, not with some expensive gift, but a heartfelt card.

And find a way to do these things because you care. Do not make the mistake of ever holding the wish that IF you do enough of X,Y, or Z, THEN your daughter will realize you love her, or want to love you back. Your expressions of love, ideally, should be only for your own peace and satisfaction. There can be tremendous healing in that for you, no matter what else may or may not happen.

Sometimes, time and prayer is what it takes to heal a relationship. As children grow up and have some hard times themselves, they start to understand your view point better. May take her longer since it appears she has not had hard times yet.

My suggestion is to write her a letter about your relationship and it's evolution. As well as the evolution of you quiting your job, what ever the circumstances maybe. She has gotten lost along the way, and maybe if you put it in writting she can sit and absorb what it is your trying to communicate with her.
Good Luck!!

I just skimmed your other responses, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you too. Perhaps your daughter feels like you "want" something more from her than just a relationship. I think she's going to feel that way until you take "money" out of the equation. She knows that you are struggling with budgeting and spending, and it sounds like she doesn't want to be part of the solution. You know what, that's her perogative. But, I think for you to feel good about yourself and for her to see that you are really trying, you should find other ways to get yourself back on track financially. Once she sees that you are doing what you can for yourself and you really do not want anything from her but a relationship, she may be more inclined to allow you to have that with her and her family. So, my suggestion is to seek out the assistance you need from someone other than your daughter. There are TONS of government programs out there that you can use to help you create a budget (and ways to stick to it). Many churches will also help with this. If you are a member somewhere, seek help. It sounds like you are computer saavy, so do some research and help yourself. The bottom line is that this sounds like a problem that you need to take care of--and soon. Think of how proud you will be when you have done this for yourself. And, your daughter will see that. Then, she won't feel like you are coming to her for a hand-out or for anything (I'm not suggesting you are, but there won't even be that perception). You will just be coming to her as a mother that wants to be a part of her life. You'll be able to be proud of yourself and she'll be proud of you. It sounds like you have a history of financial instability. Get yourself on track now. It's not too late and it will really be such a great thing for you! I do agree with the other posters that you just have to keep trying to establish your relationship with your daughter, but try to do something for yourself first and let her see what you are doing for yourself. Let her see you are really making an effort to improve yourself and do the best you can with your situation. I think if you do this, you'll go a long way towards trying to bridge the gap. Good luck!