Help Getting over Harsh Words

Wow that was harsh. It helps me to get over the mean things people say by 1st asking myself how much of it is true and 2nd, trying to understand why they said it. If I know I'm not what the other person said, it doesn't bother me as much. If I know it's thier own shortcomings making them lash out at me, or that they are truly trying to help, I dont take it as peronally.
In this case, you know you are not a bad mother and ruining his life. You've taken responsibility for mistakes you made and turned things around. I would hold my head up about that if I were you. If there were some kernals of truth in there, choose to work on those areas and take it as constructive criticism.
Next, try to understand her motive. In this case, it was because your son called and vented to her. She is very attached to him and very protective. IF the situation were reveresed, he lived with her and called you upset and venting, you would probably rip her a new one too. So, her motives were pure, so try not to hold it against her. And she did apologize.

Well, your sister may be right - you might need a wake up call.

First of all, the typical 15 year old does NOT have a smart mouth, failing grades and lies. Messy room - well, I'll give you that one! Those are all signs of a child with problems. That being said, you need to learn how to handle this kid. It's tough to have a kid at 17 - saw my brother's GF go through it and 25 years later, he's a good kid but as parents, they SUCK!!!

You say your sister is your rock - then you must love her and admire her and think the world about what she has to say - SO LISTEN to her. Get counseling. Get over being mad at her and think about your son and how you can help him. You seem sorry to have not been there for him in the past - well, get some counseling, make yourself a better person and get him some counseling, too! You can all benefit from it. Take it on as your job to help him mbe a better person. YOU CAN DO IT! Good luck!

And don't think of it as going behind your back - he went to get help. So think of it as a positive.

Maybe you can seek counseling together. I think your sister spoke before she thought and the old saying is far from true…sticks n stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me…they hurt…believe me. I’m sure there are more details going on the you can surely write in a day but your son does love you and every teen at some point feels his mother is ruining their lives. Hang in there and remind me when mine reach pubescent it is a phase. Sit him down and talk to him one on one…someplace like ice cream where he will most likely be less to cause a scene or walk away mad. See if he feels the same as your sister.
Best of wishes

Sounds like somewhere a while back the dynamics of your family changed in such a way that your son views you as a fellow sibling...not his mom. And now that your mom is gone, your sis has stepped into the matriarch role in your family.

Since we aren't there, we will never know if there is any hard truth to your sister's harsh criticisms, or if her judgements are totally off base because of the pecking order that has developed in the family (between you, sis, son and your deceased mom).

At this point of the game, you may never regain an authoritative role with your son, but I do believe you deserve his respect as his mother. And I do believe with family counseling, you might be able to achieve this so you can have a healthier relationship with your son during his fast approaching adult years.

I say your feelings are warranted and valid. You missed out on some special and important times with your son because of circumstances beyond your control. Don't stuff the feelings, just accept them for what they are. You're mourning for the relationship you never had with your son because you were too young and not emotionally and probably not financially ready for it. And now, your family isn't recognizing how far you have come or how much you've grown and are refusing to relinquish their parenting roles so you can rightfully assume yours.

When you calm down, and feel better a few days or weeks from now, approach your sister and ask her to join you and your son for family counseling. Tell her you are ready to be your son's mother and ready for her to start respecting your role as his mother. Say you want her to remain an important part of your lives, but her interference is slowing the healing and much needed growth between you and your son.

Hopefully she will respect that and join you. If not, it may be time to sever ties and move on.

Yes, motherhood is difficult. But you'll have a much better time connecting with your teen son without her having full access to your lives. If she can not respect boundaries, and will not go to counseling, you should go on your own before time runs out. He will be leaving home in no time, and you really don't want things to get to a point where you have no relationship with him in the future.

We often say things we don't really believe when we are angry, and your sister is no exception. But in order to resolve your feelings about it, you should sit down with her and have a real heart to heart. If she really believes you are "a failure" as a mother, you are "ruining" your son's life, and your husband is a "bad role model," then if you trust her judgment, ask for her advice and/or get some counseling.

On the other hand, if she was just angry and blowing off steam, or if you don't really trust her judgment, or if you think she just does not understand your situation, either try to explain to her what's going on, or just forget about what she said.

Sounds to me like you are having some pretty ordinary parenting-a-teenager problems, and your son is probably telling her all kinds of outlandish stuff, trying to manipulate the situation to his own advantage. Teenagers are crafty that way, and they don't understand how much damage they can do to family relationships.

OK, first thing is breath... deeply... again... I know it hurts, but remember that she doesn't live in your house. It's unfortunate that she has listened to one side of the story and drawn conclusions from that, but we are all human. It sounds like you and she need some time together to really talk about things once you get over the inital hurt. If you can bear the answer, ask her how she really feels about your parenting style. Ask her what choices she disagrees with, but most importantly ask why. Then you will need time to process her answers to see if you agree with them. I truly believe that parenting is the only thing in life we have to do alone - not that we don't have tons of people to give advice, to help on occasions, to discuss (share, ask, vent, etc.) with, but that it ultimately comes down to what we believe is right for our child. It is really hard when you have a very different parenting style than someone you love so much, but remember that he is YOUR son.

You don't mention what sparked his outburst, but you are right that he must be help responsible for his choices and actions. IMO, the kids who need counseling are the ones whose parents give in to them on everything. They have never learned disappointment, how to make difficult choices, or how to respect someone who has experienced much more than they have - all critical lessons that will prepare them for adulthood. None of us ever feel that we deserve mother of the year awards, but we owe it to our kids to be their parents rather than their friends...

I have a couple questions, Do YOU have custody of your son? If you do I would make him ask YOU for persmission to go somewhere, I would also maybe go to counsling with him to try and better your relationship. I would also punish him for his grades, room and mouth. if i was like that i would of been grounded and not allowed to go anywhere not even family members houses.

What I suspect is something similar to what's been going on in my home. I love my daughter and I would NEVER on purpose try and make her feel like a bad mom. She's a good mom in fact. But my grandson is my sweet boy and when she gets on his case I come to his rescue. I don't mean to undermine her either. It's just that sometimes it's easy to see when someone else is taking their own stresses out on their child. I'm not saying you are doing that now. We are dealing with a tantruming 2 year old and you are dealing with a teen. They are not the same animals and yet... Not that far apart either.

Your sister didn't mean to hurt you. She's being a mama bear. She has a big vested interest in your son, more than most Aunts would or should. It's the same here. I suppose I should learn from the things people say. But I just told my daughter if she wants any help with her current financial dilemma this weekend that I want my grandson HOME! HA!

Many fine ladies here have been telling me that I should want her to go out on her own. Well she isn't going out on her own. She simply goes to her boyfriends house where these other people that are better off financially than us can shower blessings on my grandson. She even has my grandson calling THIS WOMAN MEE MAW!!! That's MY name! UGH.

Can you hear the jealousy and see the blurred lines between mom/grandma. Your situation is the same. Only you are living in the aftermath of years later and I think you need to lift up your chin, take a deep breath, and realize that when you brought a child into this world and then made him the community baby, that blurred a lot of lines. But you know what? He's a LOVED boy. He may be too spoiled at this moment to realize it. But he's loved and that's what really matters. Your sister loves you too and your son loves you. Just deal with it the best you can and by all means, try and get your son the help he needs with school. These grades now are so darn important for later.

I'm sorry, it's hard to hear criticism, especially when it isn't constructive. It's sounds like she knows your son best though. I obviously don't know the circumstance, but your son is obviously more bonded to her. I am curious why her criticism makes you so hurt, you even admitted yourself you haven't been there and have only gotten closer to your son 3 years ago since he was 12. I know it's hard to hear some things, but it does sound like there is a kernel of truth to her reasoning. I certainly think counseling would help you, better yet, it would be wonderful if you went to family counseling together with your child. Also, I would get a book on raising teenage boys. You have missed out a lot, and especially being the disciplinarian/mother aspect of the relationship. I think a book that deals specifically with his age can help you create a better relationship. Perhaps he escapes to his aunts b/c he respects her more in a parental relationship since your family dynamics have changed so often. I can certainly see how this would be confusing for him, you and your sister. The role reversal and power struggles here are unfortunate, but ultimately, they are of your own doing. I do think it can be remedied, but you have to have a good heart to heart with your sister on this and take action.

I think that is great that you have your son now. But, I am going to say something that I hope doesn't hurt your feelings, because I don't intend to. You probably do need some counseling, and so does your son. You basically started raising him when he was a teen. That is a hard road to start. And he now has a new "mom" to "boss" him around. You guys are gonna collide until you come together with some understanding, and I think counseling could help. Kids are a handful sometimes, and your son may also still be grieving for grandma. Maybe your sister needs to learn how to say things to you better, but maybe she is just trying to tell you that you need to try a different way. Good luck to you.

15's a tough age, and my opinion is a little different. I detect some co-dependency issues going on. I agree that you may want to start counseling. Not because something is so wrong with you, but because I feel that maybe there are deeper issues as to why you are allowing yourself to be placed in the backseat to your son's upbringing, with all involved. I suggest your sister receive counseling as well. A person that has a healthy love for a sibling, family memer, other adult, etc. wants to see them do good and stand on their own two feet. Your sister seems to enjoy eing the 'rock' (AKA being NEEDED) more than she should. I know I do not know all the details but it strikes me as odd that your sister doesn't want to be supportive of your parenting. You've had custody for years now, she is not his mother, you are, and I know it's tough and you are probably feeling uncertain and with mommy-guilt, but you are going to have to learn how to be your own rock from now on. That doesn't mean you need to cut her out entirely, but she seems to be more concerned with showing loyality to your son, and undermining your efforts to be a mother than in assisting you in a healthy way, to meet your parenting goals within yourself. I can not understand why she would not have said "I know you're upset, buddy, but she's your mom". She 'rescued' him, and then, was intentionally hurtful to you. Whether you made mistakes in the past or whatnot, that is not the case today. Today what you can do is your absolute best. Get healthy, get confident in your abilities and get going!

I think that you need to address your son's going to his aunt about you. It's kind of like a stepfamily dynamic between you and her and that can be extra difficult during the teen years. Spending the weekend with her should be something YOU approve and discuss first not her and him.

It may be that counseling would be good, but not in the way she suggested it. Maybe your son needs help communicating with you. I'd talk to the school counselor and go from there. You are not the first or last mom to have an unruly teen.

It's funny but nasty things said by people you don't know have about 1/1,000,000th of the impact of a harsh word from someone you love.

I won't speculate on how you raise your son, as others have done telling you what he should and shouldn't be doing. But...he's 15...wouldn't have wanted to have been MY mom when I was 15!

What I do know is your sister should in NO WAY be giving your son "safe harbor" so he can "get away from you" for the weekend. BIG NO NO!

This is your business and your life and your son. She needs to know to respect that.

As for getting over the hurt...I don't know...maybe a heart-to-heart? Tell her just what you said above "that she's your rock, you feel betrayed"? If she has useful suggestions for you, be open to them, otherwise she's just suffering from the "someone-thinks-differently-than-I-do-so-it-MUST-be-wrong" disease....

Do YOU think your husband is a "bad" role model? Does she just not like him or something? Do he & your son have a decent relationship?

That was unnecessarily harsh of her. If she is your rock, I think you should just tell her it hurt your feelings. She should assist you with your son, not make it a conflict.

But I do need to let you know that failing grades and lying are not typical. More common than we would like, but not typical.

Just tell your sister you are hurt, and then accept any help she can give you with your son at this difficult age.

oooh H. - that sucks! BIG TIME!!!!

If it were me? I would talk to my son and explain my reasoning to him...my expectations, etc.

He needs to know that he HAS to be held accountable for his actions...if he doesn't learn it now - he will have a hard time when he's on his own.

How is your husband, who is a respected doctor, be a bad role model? Could it be that your sister is now jealous of the life you have? Is it possible that she feels left out and instead of telling you how she feels she said mean and hurtful things?

Please know I'm sending HUGS your way!!!

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