Husband Wants Other Women?????

My husband and I have a very open and honest relationship - and I know he thinks about other women at times. We even have a running joke about his "girlfriend" (the main female character on the series Chuck on NBC). I also know that he would never act on those things... and I think that every person, not just men, think about others regardless of how happy or satisfied they are in their relationship. Who hasn't had a fantasy?

All men on a basic animal level will look at and think about sleeping with other women. It's hard wired in them to reproduce the species. What makes them men and not animals is they have self control to not act on the impulse. This has nothing to do with loyalty, love it's animal instinct. Any man who tells you different is not being honest. Be glad you have an honest man and remember it has nothing to do with love.

I agree with Kathy. My husband told me the same thing as I did ask the same question. I asked becuase I noticed every time a hot women would walk by, he would take another look. He told me loves me with all his heart. But he has fantasies. But he would never cheat on me, again. And he hasnt. So I'm thinking you should go back to bed, be with him. Show him how much you love him, and if you need to, have a heart to heart talk with him about. Dont get angry he is only being honest. Which makes a marriage work.

Dear R., I agree with your girlfriend and with your husband. Please go back to your own bed (tonight!) with the man who loves you. Nothing will ever get solved with you in the guest room. Everyone has fantasies, I believe that is all he was saying. He was just sharing an inner sexual fantasy and trusting that you would understand. Don't shut him out and lose the trust he has in you and your marriage to be able to share anything with you. He felt he could do that because of how much he loves you and how much you love him. Don't wait for all the Mama source answers, go back tonight and sit and read tomorrow. Married
35 years going for happily ever after! Never let the sun set on your anger. K. K.

Hey, R.. Well, I hate to be the crazy woman here, but I fantasize about men other than my hubby. I would never, in a million years, cheat on my husband!!! Never. I have never cheated on anyone in the past. It's not in my nature. I am, however, interested in sex and think it's a normal and healthy thing that sometimes pops into my head. Can you honestly look at Gilles from Dancing with the Stars and not think, "Damn, I bet he's good in bed..." Maybe I'm over-sexual, but I have always thought that fantasies are normal.

I think this is probably the extent of your husbands desires. They are normal, and he's probably not spending a lot of time on them. These are 30 second bursts, at the most, I would say and are completely detached from emotion. So, the good news is he's not being deceptive and obviously trusts you enough to still love him even though he admitted to thinking of other women sexually...and you did ask.

The best part about this is that it has absolutely nothing to do with you...you are not inadequate, you are still beautiful to him and that is why he married you in the first place. My hubby is a hotty and good in bed, but I still wonder about Gilles every time I see him on TV.

Good luck with your heart. I hope you can get through this together.

Men look! Doesn't mean they act. Do you have any idea how many times a day a man thinks of sex? How often do you think about it? Doesn't mean you act on it. I have been married 23 years and he looks! Trust him with everything. That is the important part. HE seems to be your one and only. He is NOT having sex with anyone else. As far as I can see he gave you an honest answer and is in the dog house for it. Life is to short for that kind of nonsense. If anything he learned never to give you that honest of an answer again. But, look at it this way, you learned a lot about your man. He chose you! Soooo you better keep him happy! :)

You are completely over reacting.

It's my observation with my husband of almost 6 years, that men are hard-wired to want to impregnate every eligible woman. It's a cave-man instinct thing, "spread the seed"... NOT to be taken personally---unless of course the husband has cheated.
The long term intimacy, both emotional & physical, of marriage is overcoming that basest of instincts.

I suggest being grateful that he's with YOU, & loves YOU, has a child with YOU, not to mention all the work he's doing to allow you to stay home with your boy. There won't be an issue unless you make it an issue, R..
If I look for fear I will find fear, if I look for love I will find love. Which do you choose to look for?
:) A.

p.s. Good job mommin'!

I would suggest you find the book "The Myth of Monogamy", it will help you to understand that this isn't personal, it is biological. It doesn't have anything to do with your husband loving your or not, it is just the reality that the human 'animal' will always crave something new and different. Try to see how amazing it is that he is willing to put those millions of years of biology aside to be faithful to you!

I think you should talk to him and ask him to clarify exactly what he means. There is a very big difference between a man (or a woman for that matter) who looks at someone of the opposite sex and thinks "Wow, they're really hot/sexy/attractive" and "Wow, they're really hot, etc.., I WISH I could have sex with them." I am fully aware that my husband looks at other women, whether they be celebrities or someone on the street. I, too, look at men and judge whether or not they are attractive. The difference is that neither my husband nor I look at these people and ever consider the possibility of having sex with them. I would be lying if I said I never once "wondered" what sex with someone other than my husband would be like after all this time and I'm sure he has "wondered" the same thing, this is strictly normal, human, idle curiosity. But all this wondering and appreciation of an attractive member of the opposite sex is very different from WISHING or WANTING to be with someone else. (is all this making sense so far?)

That being said, I have to wonder if your husband actually meant that he (and all men!) want to cheat on their wives. I really don't think this is the case. I know it is not in mine and if it was in EVERY marriage there would be an even higher rate of divorce. I'm just thinking that maybe he is being too general in his statement. Is it possible that he might be generalizing his thoughts? Maybe it's more that he, too, has "wondered" about sex with someone else. If that is all it is, then I wouldn't worry. However, if he really does have the desire to cheat, I would definitely be concerned. And if that is the case, maybe you need to talk to him about the possibility of counseling. Just because someone has the desire to cheat doesn't mean they will, but it definitely opens up a much grayer area than men and women already have to deal with when it comes to extra-marital sex.

Bottom line - if it makes you uncomfortable it could end up ruining your marriage in the end, whether he ever acts on it or not, and you should do something about it NOW rather than later. Good Luck and I hope you find some answers that you are comfortable with!

Dear R.,
This question is going to get you MANY different responses...I think. I don't think ANYONE will say they would like what you are dealing with.
No, I do not think ALL men want to "be with" other women. I do think they like to look, however. There are different kinds of looking, too. Yes, my husband likes to look, and no, I don't mind....as long as he isn't google-eyeing them. We have an understanding...look, no touch. I don't know how old your hubby is, but the older they get, the less they look...at least mine did. I think BECAUSE I didn't get really upset at his looking, he didn't feel the need to "hide it"...therefore, he only took a short look out of respect to me. Hey, I like to look at a good looking man...I sure would not do anything more then look!!
Now, let me be clear on this....I don't think acting on thoughts, is okay.....no way.....but there is a difference between lusting want & looking & liking. Porn is a different thing as well.
Good luck with dealing with this. Try to keep open communication with your husband. Listen to what he is saying to you with an open mind. He chose YOU to be married to, not these other women, so try not to read more into what he is saying then is there. Once you get angry, & close your mind, NOTHING is going to get resolved.
I am sure there will be some gals that will want to blast me for my ideas, but I have been VERY HAPPILY married for 34 years, and I know my husband would not cheat on me. Like I said....look, no touch!

Hi R., I don't blame you for being upset. I would be too. But I do think that most men do secretly want to have sex with other women. I don't really think that it means anything or that they will cheat. I'm sorry you asked this question and even sorrier that your husband wasn't smart enough to see it for what it was - a cry for reassurance. I hope he's smarter than this in other areas of his life. I would tell him how hurt you are then let it go. Don't get in a big discussion over it - he doesn't seem to have the smarts to know when to keep his mouth shut. And regarding having an "honest and open" communication in marriage, that is very important, I agree. But this isn't about honesty. It's about sensitivity towards your partners feelings.

I think you might be misunderstanding how your husband feels about this. Miscommunication/misunderstanding is really at the root of a lot of discord in marriage.

I can say that my husband has said this too, but I'm not alarmed because he's not saying that he wants to go out and sleep with other women right now. He's saying that men come with different genetic programming. Yes, I do think men, from a physical standpoint, come with the programming to "spread their seed." If you took away emotional, mental and spiritual aspects from a man, physical and/or hormonal factors drive him to have sex with several women. So physically speaking, that is the way they come programmed.

But he should have also mentioned that he is governed by commitment to you, etc., and a host of other reasons, which is why he doesn't have sex with other women. But I think he is stating the truth that from a physical standpoint, most men are programmed that way- he just forgot to mention everything else that makes many of these men committed, faithful partners.

So step back, take a breather, recognize that you're probably over-reacting some, but also that he could have done a better job at communicating his commitment to you, despite this biological/physical fact. Calm down and try and talk it out some more.

I'm not worried about my husband at all and we've been married for nearly 10 years and have 4 kids. He shows me his devotion and love everyday through his actions and words. That's what really matters.

Wow. I am sorry that his answer makes you so upset. I would have to say that his answer was very truthful, a good thing, and also accurate about most, if not all men.

My husband and I have known eachother since we were children. We have been together, off and on, since we were older teenagers and have been married for sixteen years. All of that to say I know him and I think that we have a very good relationship. We have had many conversations just like this. They in no way threaten me. I would rather know what he thinks and how he thinks. By allowing him to talk to me I can encourage him and pray for him in areas, not just sexual, that cause him struggle.

My parents have been married for 44 years and I think that one of the greatest gift that they have given me is demonstrating how to work through a hard marriage. They love one another and are extremely committed, but they have had their struggles.

My husband came from a broken home, where his father was unfaithful. He has always said that he would "never say never" about having an affair because when you think it could never happen to you, you let your guard down. I have loved this honesty. I love him. He is Godly and has more integrity than anyone I have ever known.

You asked your husband a question, that he answered honestly, and now you haven't slept in the same bed for the past two nights. What kind of message does that send? You say you trust him and that cheating is not an issue. So you are upset because of a feeling you asked him about,and he admitted to you? Your response is that you don't think about other men. To use a benign example, I love the once a year massage I indulge in. My husband has no comprehension of wanting to get a massage. We are not the same.

Your husband, who loves you, and is married to you, felt like he could be honest with you. Next time I bet he will just try to figure out what you want to hear and give the right answer, but it doesn't change what is inside.

I don't mean to be h*** o* you, but I think that you owe him an apology.

Well, you really have no right to be angry. YOU did ask the question. Yes, men do fantasize about being with other women. It is a part of being a sexually healthy male. And part of the partnership of marriage is having OPEN communication. You have just taught your husband that being honest is bad. You have shown him by your behavior that it's unacceptable to be honest. what you really want and need is honesty, and communication. What you also need is to mature and be comfortable with yourself, so that you CAN communicate. Nothing hurts a marriage worse than lack of communication. I know 2 examples of both sides, and I've just seen an 18 year marriage end because of lack of open, honest communication. I and my hubby have been married for 10 years, and are closer than we ever were because of it. I speak from experience, I would ask questions like that, and get angry at the response. I had to grow up(from growing up in a dysfunctional, screaming match parents household) and realize that communication is NECESSARY!!! I also found out that that openness and honesty has actually enhanced our sex life as well as out partnership. It will be hard. You WILL have to look inside yourself and ask why his response was so unreasonable to you. And, NEVER, NEVER assume you know what any given answer will be. You set yourself up, and you have to stop doing that NOW. That is not healthy for either of you. Drop the ideals, and just take things day by day, and be open and honest.

R.,

Instead of being hurt, I invite you to realize how much your husband loves you. He loves you enough to be completely honest with you about his feelings.

I realize that the answer you received was not what you expected and your reaction is very understandable. So now the question is -- Where do you go from here?

Why would you believe that not sleeping with your husband would be a good solution? I honor you for your honesty in how you are feeling, yet what is the end result of this choice? What message does it send to your husband? What it would send to me if I was him "She really doesn't want to know the truth, it hurts her too much". If this is the message he is recieving are you creating trust or dishonesty by your reaction?

Forget what "most man feel". The ONLY relationship that you want to focus on is between you and your husband. Are you telling me that you have NEVER fantasied about another man since you have been married? Perhaps this is a part of you that you are not willing to see.

I would invite you to share with your husband why it hurt so deeply. Give him the opportunity to share with you how your reaction made him feel. Before you have this heart to heart have an agreement that while the other is speaking the other is simply listening with a heart open to understanding and love. As you both see the situation from each others eyes you may be amazed at what you discover.

Remember you have promised to be with each other for better or worst and that sometimes being honest and open can hurt at first, but it is the only way to have a clean, clear relationship that can endure.

With my whole heart, C.
Owner of Loving Connections LLC

What is Loving Connection?
Healing my heart so I can feel yours.

I do think that it is natural to still be attracted to other people. It is not like that part of you gets switched off when you commit to someone. My husband and I are open with our communication in our relationship, and from time to time he will mention someone he found attractive, etc. But at the end of the day he chooses to be with me and that is what matters. After seven years together I will be honest, I sometimes see men that I am attracted to as well. But I choose to be with my husband as it is my husband that I love, care about and am committed to. What is most important is your commitment to each other. Even though he might be attracted to other women he chooses to be with you because he loves you and wants to be with only you. I wouldn't punish him for being honest in response to a question you asked. Honesty has to be one of the most important things in a relationship, and while it is okay to express how you feel about what he said, be careful that you don't put him in a position where now he feels like he needs to lie in order to tell you what you want to hear.

Best wishes,
J.

Oh no! PLEASE don't beat your husband up over this! He is right, most men (husbands or not) think this way. They absolutely do not think like women and he probably has zero desire to act on it. You should consider yourself lucky that he speaks to you so openly. By overreacting to a basic instinct that men have my put you in jeopardy of him clamming up next time. In other words, he may not be as honest with you in the future for fear that you will be a freak.

I have this rule, and it goes for ALL situations in life, do not ask a question if you can't handle the REAL answer or an answer you didn't expect. You never know what people are going to say so be sure you really want to know next time you ask a sensitive question.

Whatever you do, go back to sleeping with your husband, the silent treatment has never worked and never will. He was just being honest with you and you need to love him for that. He married you because he loves you and is attracted to you. He had no intention of hurting you, he was actually probably enjoying a very engaging moment with you and was shocked when you reacted the way you did.

Good luck to you!

Hi R.
Sorry to say but yes I believe all men think about sex with other women. Please keep in mind that men don't need emotions to have sex. We women tend to only want sex with a man that we are in love with. Men just need a willing partner. No feelings needed. Please believe me, the fact that your husband loves you makes your sex life more intimate for him. Sex is more special and it is making love because he loves you. Are you over-reacting, maybe, maybe not but at least your husband answered you honestly. Would you rather he lie to save your feelings? If you can keep that level of honesty between yourselves you have a great shot at a long and happy marriage. Tell him that the truth hurt and ask any questions you have. The truth may hurt but its better than lies.

Hi R. - I know it's easy to feel hurt when you hear something like that, but unfortunately, there are just some major differences between men and women and this is one of them! I think most men use this rule to decide if they are attracted to a woman: "Can I see myself wanting to sleep with her? If so, then yes, I am attracted to her. If the answer is no, then I am not attracted to her." So like others have said, just because he finds other women attractive, it doesn't mean he's going to go sleep with all of them. And I would like to second what others have said about the fact that you should let your hubby know how glad you are that at least he can be honest with you. If you react this way every time he tries to be open with you, he will soon stop because I'm sure he wants to avoid having you feel hurt and sleeping in the guest bedroom! So if you'd like to keep this open relationship that you're so lucky to have, just let him know you were taken off guard by his answer, but are so thankful you have the kind of man that will be honest with you and just move on! Imagine how hurt you'd feel if he never confided in you!

You should be glad that he is willing to be honest with you. The more honest he is about his fantasies, the less likely he is to go behind your back. Help him find a healthy outlet- whether it is the two of you roll playing (school girl skirt, pirate costumes, etc if you need some ideas check out the book 'fantasy made flesh' by Debbora Addington) or a $20 membership to a gentleman's club (where he can look but not touch- but at least you know where he is or you can even go with and play a few games of pool) or something else.

I guess my concern would be if he specifically has women in mind and is toying with the idea vs. answering honestly uh, yeah it's popped in my head.
any man can cheat. so can any women. none of us is immune to that, and thoughts are the first thing that start to take you there, so it's where you set your boundaries.
My husband had a sexual addiction, so he's a sober addict.
anyway, fantasies very much got in the way of us having a normal relationship, but that isn't what I am hearing from you.
For me to have the thought pop in my head is so weird because I was a virgin when I married my husband. I've only ever been with him. He however was very much not a virgin and probably got out enough prowess to make up for me not--I think that part of the answer to that question is how much sexual activity have they had before? and that can go both ways. some may wonder what would it be like with someone else? I personally don't because I am so satisfied with our love life that I can't imagine it being better. I've had conversations with girlfriends who were virgins and wondered what it would be like with someone else. asking the question or discussing it doesn't mean they are ready to go out and leave their husband it's just something they are curious about in that moment. if they start to dwell on it though then I ask them to think of where they are heading with that...I think it goes for all of us. and where we as couples decide to set our boundaries. some couples are comfortable with open marriages (they say but I've only really seen one of those working out...) we are military so several say while you are gone we are both single basically. usually ends in divorce because clear boundaries don't get set on what the couples are really comfortable with. usually one or the other is not comfortable with the arrangement but don't say so because their spouse would never really do it...but when they do.
anyway I'm kind of rambling, I tend to do that at 3 in the morning...but I guess I'm asking what are you really mad about? is there a boundary for you that says yes it is okay to acknowledge a person is good looking but anything beyond that feels like a betrayal to me? and if so expressing that boundary to him and finding where he fits in with that would be a good idea. I think it's great if you are going to ask he is going to answer you truthfully and I don't think he should be punished for that. Even in our worst times of dealing with my husbands addiction I never left our bed. that doesn't mean I was putting out--but we slept together, snuggled and talked or some nights lay on our sides with a no touch policy in force...but We worked through it. I think that is a big part of why we made it. For me it was important to not leave the bed unless I was thinking of leaving the marriage which I wasn't at that point. I grew up watching my mom sleep on the couch most nights. Knowing my parents were having problems and not talking through them. I guess I made a decision that I wouldn't "punish" my husband that way. it works for some people but if he slept somewhere else because he was mad it would tear my heart...so I don't leave the bed either. he's been sober 3 years now. nope 4. it's 4 years this summer--which is why it gets easier to talk about what we went through. He has to stop his thoughts at that is an attractive woman. Just as an alcoholic stops his thoughts at A beer sounds good. or that beer looks good. then remove themselves from the presence or thought. He has to be that diligent because he is hardwired for his addiction. So if a married man says no I never think about sex with other women. He might be telling the truth it depends on where he has set his boundaries and if he is diligent in maintaining them.
I've had the thought, I wonder what it would be like to smoke pot pop into my mind. I've had a second hand high before but never smoked myself. I've laughed about what I would probably do etc. then shake my head and know I would never go down that road. it isn't a temptation.
some men and women can do the same with the popping question of what would it be like to have sex with that person...they think it all through and shake their head and think I would never go down that road.
others think and think and think more. they fantasize and fantasize until the real thing is no longer enough--they are the ones who turn to addiction not just looking but addictions, and to affairs and cheating.
it's a natural progression in the thought process, the key to a happy relationship is knowing where your boundaries are as a couple. and asking for details in an answer like the one your husband gave you.
is he saying of course sometimes I think what if we hadn't gotten married and I were still single and...then laughs and says thank God I got married when I did.
or is it something else? if you cut off the conversation you won't know.
My husband and I talk about this all the time, we have a very open communication because it had to be for me to trust him in his recovery--and it's just natural still for us to talk about it and check in with each other. I wish we had that maturity when we met We could have been a stronger couple in the beginning. but the end result is the same I guess. we have that maturity because of the experiences.
I don't know if my rambling helps at all. the short of my long is get clarification before you get too upset...find out if you did over react or not. validate your emotions, yeah it upset you, ask yourself why it upset you and validate those reasons--and then have another good conversation with your spouse about why it freaked you out. validate his feelings too--you may find you are very very happy with the outcome of the conversation.

R.,
Man and woman were made to attract the opposite sex. However one needs to realize He or She has a responibilty to God because it's HIS union (marriage).1st Cornith. 7 chapter is about marriage and It's not an ownership thing but it is a Partnership thing.Have a qualified minister to help you understand this scripture. If you remember David and Bethsheba? It originated in his mind and then resonated in his heart. Your son will be the reciepent of what ever you and your spouse do. THAT'S GOOD OR BAD!!!!

I just have to tell you that I feel your pain. I just recently had a very similar conversation with my husband like three days ago. i was also looking for some assurance especially since I just had a baby four months ago and am feeling not very attractive. It is hard to hear, VERY hard to hear. But I am glad that he is honest about it, and he assures me that he would never act out on it. I was feeling all hurt and said, "well I can't relate because I am not even tempted to be with other men, at all." He told me that he doesn't actually WANT to sleep with other women but he finds them attractive, he notices women that have nice bodies, and I think for all men that has sexual implications. He told me that he just has to try to control his thoughts so he is not thinking about other women, but he's always going to notice. He said "my brain hasn't switched from before we were married." There's not an off switch for finding women attractive. He said that he never actually wants to do it,(cheat on me) he said "are you kidding me that would destroy my life and everything i care about," he says he thinks that most men don't actually want to cheat on their wives but they rationalize and make dumb choices and it comes from not being careful and not keeping your thoughts and actions in check, and then it happens and they are like what have I done. So he admitted that it is always a temptation, and one that he thinks every man has to deal with. Of course I still am a little upset about it because I feel like I can't relate. He tells me to try and think about how I was with other boys before we got married. I guess I can relate on a certain level, but I think it comes down to men being much more sexually driven. I have to admit that if my husband actually said that he WANTED to sleep with other women, rather than it being a temptation and that he's not perfect so he probably thinks about the possibility, it would bother me a lot. But maybe your husband just has a different way of expressing that it is a temptation.
My husband said, "its hard to tell your wife that you find other women attractive sexually." But its important that we are honest with each other and he is glad that I am aware of the issue so I can help him if need be. He feels that it is important for me to be aware and not naive.
As hard as it is to hear, he is being open and honest with you. Sometimes that hurts but it is way way way better than him lying to you. Just talk to him about your feelings, but try to be objective so you don't fight about it. Try to understand where he is coming from. I tried to listen as my husband told me, and as I was listening that's when he clarified that he never would actually want to do it. He assured me that he will always be faithful. I felt like my little bubble was burst, but it's better that I know the reality and face it. He felt that I needed to address my own sexuality. I said that I am never even tempted and though he said well thats good, he also admitted that he worries about me falling into it because I wouldn't recognize it and because I am naive that it might just happen because I wasn't aware to be careful. I assured him that I am aware and it wouldn't happen, but I thought he had a good point. At least he knows that it is a temptation for him and he works on guarding himself.
So I am sorry if I am rambling, you don't need to read our whole conversation, but I hope it helps. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. I haven't wanted to have sex with my husband, but he knows it is not because i am mad at him but because I need to work on my issues. Try not to be mad at your husband, especially if you know he would not cheat on you. Just be honest with your feelings and try to understand him just as you hope for him to understand you.
Every relationship has its ups and downs and things you would rather not deal with, but it is how you deal with those things that can make your relationship stronger. Work on this as a couple and focus on the things you love about each other. Make sure he can still feel comfortable being honest with you.

You are over reacting!
While I don't think EVERY man wants to sleep with other women, I do think they look at them, day dream about them, night dream about them, love looking at a hot woman as they walk by ect... it is kinda a male thing.

My husband and I have talked about this. He for sure admits that when he is downtown eating lunch during work he can't help but see a hot girl and think dang she is fine. I have no doubt he has dreams about other girls- but those are fantasies... we are all allowed to have those.
It used to bother me more, but I just learned to accept that men are just sexually driven in a way we aren't. Doesn't mean they will act upon it, but that instinct is there.

The fact that my husband and I are open and talk about it is what makes me feel better. When we stop talking in such an open way is when I will get worried. And it isn't like he is asking for a 3-some.

And in my own special way I make sure I tell him when a guy gives me a look or I see a cute man. I mean why not... have to let him know that he isn't the only one that can look and like what they see.

But we are clear on the fact that while we can look and admire and even have private dreams, we will never act upon those emotions. A healthy fantasy life doesn't have to mean trouble...

Good luck and I hope you can learn to let it go a bit more. Not saying it is easy and that we should just love it, but try and see it differently. But on the same note your hubby does have to be respectable about it all and not talk about it all the time and throw things in your face. My husband is always sure to let me know how sexy he still finds me- even if he is lying :)

One of the most destructive powers in a marraige is expectations. Expectations are the "shoulds" that we place on ourselves and others. Often, we think that expectations are necessary and helpful. However, they only lead to disappointment, hurt, anger, and pain.

I so understand how we create our "fantasy" of what relationships, and marraige in particular, "should" look like. I totally bought into the whole fairy tale: you will love each other forever, we are soul mates, everthing will work out if you just love each other enough, he/I will never need anyone else, etc. Now I understand that we need to be accepting of "what is" not what "should be". Being open to seeing "what is" will allow us to deal with whatever comes our way. If we dwell on the "should" we never go anywhere except to feel really awful and then to punish ourselves or others.

For example, If I say: "I have an extra twenty pounds on my body and I shouldn't have that extra weight." I will just have a tendency to go round and round beating myself up and never get anywhere. However if I change the statement and take the "shouldn't" out: "I have an extra twenty pounds on my body, I feel unattractive, and I am going to find ways to resource myself to deal with this issue." I create a space to feel my feelings and to create action rather than just staying in a quagmire of stuckness.

So, what is the "should" that made you feel the most angry? Identify it and take a look at all the wonderful responses you recived about "what is" about men, marraige, and communication. Then I would suggest you take a look at the fear you are feeling and why you feel it. What is the vicious little voice in your head saying that creates the fear you are feeling? I know that I am so good at creating stories in my head. Sometimes I just have to be amused at the absurdity of my own ways of thinking.

You are so not alone. We all have things that we tend to be "sensitive" to and react to. I have learned to question my reactions and the thoughts behind them as opposed to dwelling on the event that triggered them. I send you my best wishes and support. T.

Hi R.,

I have read about 1/2 of the responses and have discovered that I am hugely in the minority. So, I thought this through a lot so that I would know what I really believed before I talked to my husband. The following is my conclusion and is a little long winded, but here goes.

I think that there is a vast difference between having a thought enter your mind and THINKING about something. I don't believe that we have control over what thoughts enter our minds, but we do have total control over what we decide to do with those thoughts once they are there. Choosing to entertain the thoughts that come into our minds is what I mean when I say there is a difference between having a thought enter our minds and THINKING about something. I am a religious person and I believe that Satan can make thoughts enter our minds, and that is something we don't have control over. Whether or not we decide to continue on that thought and mull it over in our minds is something we DO have control over. Thus I heartily disagree that you can't control what you think. I believe that with a little (or perhaps a lot) of effort, you can control where your thoughts are. No, you can't control what comes into your mind, but you can control what you do with it. Do you let it stay and as with this particular situation, continue to fantasize? Or, do you quickly replace it with a wholesome and uplifting thought? Every human being has a choice. Men are not animals any more than women are. I believe that Satan knows he can tempt men more with sexual thoughts, but I don't believe that men are hot-wired to fantasize about sex or women other than their wives or vice versa. It is a choice that every man or woman has to make.

Now, onto my discussion with my husband. I tried to ask the question as unbiased as possible. I simply said, "have you ever thought about having sex with another woman? I mean, have you ever seen another woman and thought, 'I wonder what she would be like in bed?'" He was very honest and said that he had had that thought enter his mind. Then interestingly enough, he said exactly what I said above. He said that whenever a thought like that enters his mind, he knows it is Satan trying to tempt him and he quickly changes his thoughts. He does not let it stay, and does not entertain the idea in the least. He DOES control his thoughts and does NOT fantasize about other women. Your husband or any other man could not possibly claim to know that every other man desires to sleep with other women. I can guarantee you that there are men out there who do not have fantasies and entertain thoughts about other women. I would say that it is possible that all men are TEMPTED with sexual thoughts entering their minds, but not that all men entertain them or let them linger/fantasize. Our thoughts become our words and our words become our actions. I don't think this means that everyone who thinks about sleeping with another woman will, but I do think that the chances are higher for those who entertain the thoughts.

So, in my opinion, this is NOT a situation where women just have to "face it" and learn to live with it. Like I said above, men are not animals, and they can learn to control their thoughts. The choice is theirs.

I am guessing that there will be plenty of people out there who say that I am living in a "fairy tale" world. All I know is that I have one of the best marriages I've ever seen. I do not say this boastingly, but gratefully. I have been married for 7.5 years and my husband and I have never had one single fight. We have had disagreements, but we have never yelled at each other or purposely said things that we knew would hurt the other. I do not claim to be an expert, but I know from experience that having an incredible marriage is possible, and I don't think it includes fantasizing about people who are not your spouse.

I do not know what this means for you exactly. I do think that if it is this important to you, then you might try talking to your husband and explain that you are hurt and that you want your marriage relationship with him to be deeper and stronger than the average marriage. Ultimately, you need to find out what is right for your marriage. It sounds like you have a really good man there and your marriage is definitely worth working for. I don't know if you are religious, but honestly I would suggest prayer. You might be surprised at how powerful it is. God knows you and your husband personally and loves you infinitely. He knows how to help you through this. If you don't feel prayer is and option for you, know that I will say a prayer for you. I truly hope that you can work this out so that you will both be happy.

Best wishes!

This is an extremely difficult situation to comment on. You should know this. You took one sentense out of an admittedly long conversation, and are asking people to comment on it without the benefit of knowing you, your husband, the relationship or the conversation. All of these things are directly related to the situation and why what was said was said.
If said from a point of trust, he is right - probably all men do want to sleep with another women, superficially. If it really came down to it, would they though? Most probably would not, because they would feel bad. Most men do have emotional attachments to their wives & that more than guilt is what stops them from moving physical admiration into physical relationships with others.
That said, plenty of people have affairs too. It's just impossible to say without knowing your relationship. The part that we, your audience, does know is your reaction. I believe if you ask the question you must own the answer. If you feel so badly about what he told you perhaps you should seek counseling from a qualified professional to work on this issue.
Good Luck.

I just want to tell you that I have be cheated on by a man who told me the same thing so my opinion may be a little harsh. He told me that his dad was guilty of this same thing and he would never do that to me. I was naive and believed in a fairy tale marriage. My self-esteem took a big hit after that. I am very strong now and the counselors tell me that every man is not that way.

I don't see a problem with me looking at "beautiful" people but I do see a problem with men wanting other women. I look at beautiful people, both men and women, but I don't want them. My friend asked me what I want in a man when I get married and I said that I do not want a man who wants other women. I said that I will have to have a man that is devoted to me 24/7. Otherwise, I will stay single.

I have one friend who says that when a man looks at a woman they wonder how she would be in bed. He lost my respect!! The reply, "Because I am a man!" does not fly with me. I think that being able to control ourselves is what sets us apart from the animals.
I know another man who says that he has never really been interested in women. Men have different ways of viewing women just like we have with men. I feel that it is more of a self-esteem issue for a lot of men.

I would just suggest that you talk to your husband about your concerns.

R., First I want to say I understand and it does hurt. However, he is normal. There is a great book that is a VERY quick read. It is called For Women Only. I dont have the author handy, I will look up and repost. Anyway, it truly helped me understand my husband as a Man! They are different, very, very different! And that is a good thing. So, I strongly urge you to pick up this book. It is a Christian author but it is not a "Christian" book. It is really interesting and it really helped me.

Men are very different from women, and it's in their nature to be more highly sexually aroused, on average, than women. All this sounds normal to me. One problem is that our culture has spent the last 30 years trying to convince everybody that men and women are essentially the same, so when we find out that they're not that similar, it comes as a surprise. In older times (prior to the 1970's) people already knew about these differences in the sexes.

Dennis Prager has written on this topic and so has Dr. Laura.

Your husband wants you. He picked you. He wants to be with you. When you ask the wrong question, you get the wrong answer. Ask him what he likes about you. Ask him what part of your body he likes the most.

There are parts of other women that your man finds attractive...but you are the only one that has the whole package.

Your sex life is the biggest self-fulfilling prophecy ever! If you put too much drama into your sex life, ughhhh!

So, ya...if he sees a gal with nice breasts...he's thinking wow, nice breasts...but he's also thinking but her hips are all wrong....or but her face is eeeeehhhh or but I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her for 10 minutes. etc.

He loves you. He wants you. He just failed at communicating the rest of his thoughts before you got too freaked out to hear anything.

It'd be weird if nothing turned him on....I mean there's a thousand girls out there who have some part of you....like the shape of your hips or the way you walk or...etc....he's bound to run into some of them. Just go with it....or if it makes you feel better ask "what don't you like about her?"...I promise he'll have an answer.

Hi R., I'm sorry you're hurting. His answer hit you right in the heart. I asked my husband about this and all he said is "that's why I never answer a question like that, it's a no-win situation. If I'm honest like you want me to be, all I do is hurt you." He also said that question ranks at the top of the list for no-no answers. "Does this make my butt look big?" is #2.

This is a fact about men - they are completely able to remain monogamous and fully committed to one woman but sex is primarily physical where for women, sex is primarily emotional.

I encourage you to move back into your bedroom and talk this out with your husband sharing your feelings, not accusation. I'm not saying you are over-reacting because this would very naturally hurt you deeply. Take heart because it sounds like your husband would never act upon those manly desires. Let him know how he might reassure you in meaningful ways.

I also encourage you to read the book by Shaunti Feldhahn called "For Women Only". Your husband should read the companion book "For Men Only". It's a short book but it helped me to understand how my man is wired. I read it with some friends and it was helpful to be able to talk about it and bounce things off of each other.

From Shaunti.com "What Shaunti Feldhahn’s research reveals about the inner lives of men will open women’s eyes to what the men in their life—boyfriends, brothers, husbands, and sons—are really thinking and feeling. Men want to be understood, but they’re afraid to “freak out” the women they love by confessing what is happening inside their heads."

Am I the only one that has a husband who would say no to your question? In fact, I asked him; I knew what his response would be before I asked him. He is the greatest guy ever. He covers his eyes when men or women come on the TV wearing inmodest clothing. There are men out there that only think about their wife. I think, by looking at the responses given, I wonder if the reason that so many divorces happen now a days are because of this issue. If I were you, I would talk to a good Marriage Family therapist, who can help you through this tough issue. A therapist is worth it. My husband and I actually saw one before we were married, and that meeting with a Marriage Family therapist has prevented this very issue, in my opinion. Also we have a strong moral understanding that we are a couple forever. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I am sure there are others out there that have husbands who would say no to your question at least I would hope so. I hope your able to overcome this obstacle.

For the sake of your marriage, let it go.

ALL men look at other women, lust after them, etc. That doesn't mean he is cheating, wants to cheat, is thinking about cheating, etc. Men are simply more overtly sexual than women are. (Look at American advertising and media programming...it works for a reason.

I hate to put it this way, but you are being way too sensitive. You asked the question and he was honest. He has a healthy, normal sexual drive (which he shares with YOU), but after your reaction I wouldn't expect him to open up and be honest in the future.

You've taught him that if he's honest with you about sex he gets punished. You've also showed him that you're insecure about this topic in your marriage. Not good.

Get back in your bedroom, appologize for being sensitive (blame it on PMS if you have to) and go back to being an active partner.

I would highly suggest you read the book "For Women Only" it really opened my eyes to how men's mind and sexual drive works- even "good Christian men." I agree with others that there is a difference to being attracted to other women and actually having the desire to cheat. Good luck!

I know you've gotten a lot of advice, and I didn't read them all, I just really wanted to throw in my 2 cents.
I do think you overreacted by not sleeping in the same bed as your husband, and being so angry. He was honest with you and he should not be punished for that.
However I do think this is a big deal. He shouldn't want to sleep with other women. I think I have a different view than most people because of my religious beliefs and my experiences. My husband has had a pornography, masturbation problem for several years even before we were married. Because of our religious beliefs, he really wanted to change, but was addicted. I let it affect me too much in the beginning. I've learned a lot since then. We have a very open relationship now, and I don't get mad. I have separated myself from his problem. I wouldn't dare ask him that question because I would be afraid of his answer. However, I do believe that our sex life is based off of love. He could never get what he gets from me from another woman, and he could never give to another woman what he gives to me. At this point anyway. And he knows that. I believe that making love and having sex are two totally different things. We have been married for almost 11 years, and it hasn't always been this way. I'm not saying that I would tolerate my husband sleeping around or that any woman should, because it's not love. I just know that he knows the difference, and knows that it couldn't compare to what we have.
I think that maybe you should get some counseling, from a very reputable marriage counselor. And make sure you are meeting his needs as a wife. Hopefully he knows too that sex with other women wouldn't even compare, but the carnal desire is just still there. We all have to fight off things that we know aren't good for us. Sometimes we think we know the grass isn't greener on the other side, but we still wonder, and we still think about them, until it is clear in our minds that it's not.
I think it is good to have an open relationship, but I think to do that you have to have unconditional love, and try hard to not take offense. I think it's important to tell your husband that you are sorry that you reacted so horribly and that you are so glad that he was honest with you. But let him know that it still does bother you, and that you think you need to talk with a counselor.
Marriage definitely isn't easy, but if you both truly love each other, and are willing to search out and work on things, it is the best thing life can offer! I hope this helps. Good Luck!

Just so you know, men, in my experience, can't help but be turned on by many different things. Its in their nature. That why sex sells. I can tell you however, and my husband is not lying about it, that my husband looks at other women cause there is no getting around it, and judges them on their appearance. He may think they are attractive, or whatever, but in the end he doesn't want to "be" with other women. Just me. Anything can set their mind rolling. Its a fact, hopefully unpleasant for them, and most of my guy friends that I have talked to, and my husband of course, say that if they could turn that part of them off they would. There is just so much sex everywhere and most men that I've talked to don't like it.
Now, I'm not saying that your husband is good, bad, or whatever. I do think it is good that you know you can trust him, and that he would never act on his feelings. But I also think that you need to flush the conversation out further. You be open on your end about your feelings. Most guys aren't talkers, but on points such as intimacy having a serious talk would be good. I've also found that he might have misunderstood the question and just popped out with the first thing that came to him. I'd ask him to explain the reasoning behind it, ask him to what degree does he feel that. And if he still thinks of it like its an ordinary thing... I dunno. Intimacy is a very serious part of any relationship and especially between husband and wife. I would just get EVERYTHING out in the open between you and if there are still bad feelings there, maybe you need to talk to someone with a little more experience in the area. Good luck with this. I hope it turns out great!

So, I didn't take the time to read all 50+ responses, but here's my take. Ok, you admit it was a stupid question to ask, so I won't browbeat you on that one, but I'll let you in on a little secret. The trick is to wake up every single day and think of ways to treat your husband SO GREAT that the thought of wanting other women never crosses his mind. To pout for two days, not sleep in your bed with him and stay angry because of the answer he gave you is not fair to him. You asked the question, he gave you the answer. You can't beat him up. Just be sweet, seductive, playful, funny, caring, giving, and all of the things I didn't mention that we wives should be doing to keep our men happy and only thinking of us. I mean really, you can't tell me that you don't occasionally go into fantasy land when you see some young, ripped with muscles guy jogging down the road, but then you snap back into reality and realize what a good man you have. Give your man a break. Apologize for being nutty for the past few days and go have great sex with your husband tonight. He definitely won't be thinking of another woman if you do that. He might be thinking of other women when you choose not to sleep in the same bed with him night after night.

I have to agree with your girlfriend. Let this go or it will destroy your marriage! I would say most men have a desire for other women but don't act on it. If you want your husband to be honest, you need to allow him to voice his opinion and not punish him for it by sleeping in the other room. I think this issue is more with your insecurity. You need to be confident with yourself and your relationship and don't ask questions that you don't want to hear the honest answer. Your husband is with you so he obviously loves you. Roll with that thought and push the negative thoughts away. You really need to let this go!

I know my husband would like to have sex with other women, but he doesn't of course! We joke about it too. I said that if Orlando Bloom, Will Smith, or some other hot star wanted to take me out one night, I would go. He says that if Halle Berry shows up on the door step, he'd go. We also joke that getting married is like buying the perfect thing. Just because you bought something doesn't mean you can no longer window shop. So I guess this is the thing -- wanting and doing are two very different things in our minds. It is okay to want, just not okay to do anything about it. Don't know if this helps or not. Good luck.

My husband gave the same answer and swears he wouldn't cheat. I am trying to believe him but can't. I have been best friends with several men over the years, and all of them constantly looked at other women and thought about cheating...but the smart ones never did it and were never dumb enough to tell their wives they thought about it. Truth has ruined my faith in my marriage, don't let it ruin yours. Don't ask your husband questions you already know the answers to. Just be happy you are his beloved wife and try to focus on the positives in your marriage. Also, climb back into bed with him and make him forget all those women he drooled over today!

I think that you are over reacting. Also, you asked, you should have thought that you might not get the answer you were looking for. With this kind of reaction in my opinion it would make your husband less likely to answer other questions for fear of your reaction. At least he was honest with you. I agree with him. I think most men think or fantasize about being with others...it is normal and healthy. As long as he never acts on it.

I know for a fact my husband thinks about being with other women. I have just learned to live with it. I know he loves me and enjoys being with me. That is just part of male nature.

No, I think that a lot of men use this as an excuse, they just assume all men feel this way. I'm not saying that your relationship is on a downhill course. The fact that you guys can talk openly is a good thing. In fact rather than stay out of his bed, I would try talking to him again and voice your feelings in a non-confrontational way. If you know he is loyal to you, that is a definite plus. But I know for a fact that not all men feel this way. Almost all men have a huge sex drive, that is a fact, and they may be able to see a woman as attractive just like we may find certain men attractive, but not in the sense that they would actually want to do something with them. My husband has honestly told me without me ever asking him that he can't ever even imagine wanting another woman. I know what he would say if I were to ask him, just because of what he has volunteered in the past. But no, I do not think your head is up in the clouds. But I also do not feel your relationship is going to end because of this. It is just something you guys will have to work through. I hope that helps.

I agree that it's great your husband felt he could answer honestly. You have an open, light relationship, so he felt safe. What I'm concerned about is that you asked that question thinking you knew the answer & also was using the question for reassurance. You got neither. When you ask someone to be honest, realize they may do just that & you may not "get" what you were hoping for. If you want reassurance, ask for it!

At this point I hope you go back to your bed with him. First talk to him, however & let him know that while you are thrilled you have an open, honest relationship...it was hard to hear his answer. Be honest with him now & tell him what you were hoping to hear...that even tho' there are millions of beautiful women in the world, he is happy he is with you. When we are hoping our partners will tell us what we want to hear & they don't, we can feel hurt, angry. Get in touch with your anger. Journal, really look at why you are angry. Also when you talk with him, allow him to speak & really listen to what he says. Honor each other with listening without interupting.

I agree with the others that just because he told you the truth doesn't mean he will act on it. Re-read your sentence about knowing he won't cheat on you, that's not the issue, you trust him BUT (sorry, however BUT negates what you just said) you don't care, as he still feels this way. You only care that he feels this way? You don't care that he would cheat on you? Do you think he's already cheated on you just because he said he'd like to sleep with other women?

I think you do care...however you are holding on to the one fact that yes, men look at women sexually...
and think of other women that way..and you are taking it that he doesn't only think of you. It's so true that men look at women differently than we look at men. That's how we
are wired!

The key here is he isn't acting out his fantasies. He's sharing them with you. Having an open relationship is wonderful..I hope you can let go of your anger so the love between you can return. Go see a therapist to talk about this more, explore what it's all about for you. Ask questions, be curious! Find out more about R....I found that looking within & my history, really helps in my relationships. My best to you.

p.s. I think what Colleen said was right on.
Just read Tiffany S reply. She has a lot of understanding as well!

There's two different levels. Every man (and woman, too) notice attractive members of he opposite sex. And when they see an especially attractive one, they may have fantasies. That is normal. Even having a fantasy (or even a dream) once in a while of sleeping with another woman is normal. And that's where it stops. We wonder, we fantasize, then we move on and go back to our spouse and remember why they are sooooo wonderful.

Then there is the person who really wants to sleep with someone else. It is something they are looking for (and usually find). This is not just the initial thought or brief imagining, but really wanting it. This is where I would consider it infedility in thought.

It sounds to me as if your husband is in the first level. The fact that he answered the way he did even says it's probably just a fantasy. If he really desired it, he'd probably deny it. Then get yourself back into bed. Help him remember why you are the best woman he's ever been with (even if you're the only woman he's ever been with), and reconnect.

Ok - my husband and I have been together for 20 years - married for almost 17. I read this to him and asked him to answer. When I asked if all married men think about sex with other women, he said "Probably". Now, I know that when we go out places he checks out girls. We've discussed that a lot. (I kept offering to introduce him to girls he looked at weather I knew them or not).

So, basically what I'm getting from my sweetie is that this is normal male behavior and you should tell him that you were upset, if you need to. But understand that while your guy may look and think - it's you he comes home to! That is his choice, EVERY DAY!!

Don't reward his honesty with distance. If you are comfortable asking questions, you need to figure out how to deal with some answers you may not like. Just remember that every day is a choice for every person - and he chooses to come home to YOU - and THAT is the important factor!

Perhaps you should talk to him more about his answer, if he has one person in mind and is obsessed, yes then there is a problem. If not then dont worry about it and you are overreacting. It is normal and natural for guys to look. I once asked my husband and a couple of guy friends about if they fantasied about other women and I got the consistent answer about the 3 second fantasy. It was actually a humorous conversation. The key is you can look at the menu, and even dream about steak, but because they love you they will dine at home. Its not that they dont love us or find us beautiful, but its just in the make up. Heck there are women who look too. Relax and let it go, never ask something that you may not like the answer to and its not fair for you to react and shut your husband out when he is honest to you. Good luck to you.

Go to your husband and apologize for overreacting. Tell him the answer you expected to hear and explain that it threw you for a loop when he didn't read your mind. Tell him after you cooled down, you didn't know how to resolve the situation you created, but that a lot of women on Mamasource helped you out. Then silently - to yourself - forgive him for not living up to your expectations and think of five things that make him a great husband, father and man. If you can't think of five things - there's your REAL problem!

This is not even a bump in the road. I read a lot of responses about women "facing it" when their husbands fantasize about other women and couldn't believe it. The important thing is for either spouse to not act out on fantasies to the detriment of the marriage. And Michele P., you are not alone. It's totally natural for women to fantasizing or have other desires. One of my favorite sayings is that you can't control what you think, only what you do. In fact, I know I will never be with another man because my marriage and the life I've built with my husband mean too much to me.

Besides, fantasy men (or in the case of your husband - women) are two-dimensional. They only think and say and do what I choose. My man challenges and surprises me every day and that is the sexiest thing I can think of.

R.,
I am one of those women who trusted her husband and also understood that he is a man. Knowing that I never thought that he would act on those thoughts but he proved me wrong. In January I found out that he had been having an affair for over a year. When I asked him when he was going to tell me or leave me for her he said he wasn't ever going to do either. When I found out he felt that it was the right thing to "FREE ME" and he also refused to end it.
We had a loving openminded relationship and were best friends we would talk openly and I knew he thought about other women but he said "he would never cheat on me". I hope your husband is more honorable than the man I am currently in the middle of a divorce with. All I can say is trust your instincts and don't be blind with trust in him. You can trust him without going crazy but just trust yourself too.

Best of luck, life can be scary and it is amazing how the person you trust with your life, the person who is your world and the person that can be the rock for your family. Can also be the person to destroy your life, turn your world upside down and break your families foundation all with one act. All my prayers and may God be with you.

Hi R.,

I'm sorry about your struggle. I do agree with alot of what people are saying that ALOT of men do like to look. But there is a BIG difference between liking to look at beautiful women and actually having a desire to sleep with them. If he is actually wanting to sleep with them then I would say that is something to worry about. Hopefully he just meant that he likes to look but it came out wrong. I know for certain that my husband doesn't want to be with other women, we have had similar conversations and he has told me flat out he never would even think about being with another woman. He is very honest with me and I know he wasn't lying about it. I know he thinks other women are pretty and he frequently discusses the looks of other women with his single friend while I am there and this won't bother me because I know he would never be disloyal and it also doesn't mean he thinks I am not pretty either. Men like to look and I am sure women are similar too I mention to him occasionaly how goodlooking a celebrity is ;) but we both understand that it is not something we would ever act on. I hope this helps and I hope you get it worked out!

Hi R.!
I do think it would be best to continue to have an open heart and honest relationship with your husband even after the hurt this may have caused. Don't let this ruin what you had before a simple question was asked. If you feel there may have been some insecurities that led you to asking this question, then you need to weigh the pro's and con's of your marriage with him, and find out what you both can do together to make it better. I think he may have said it better by saying, "of Course, I am Human" instead of making it sound like just because he is a man, he has a right to think that way, but maybe he was caught off guard when you asked and his pride may have even been a little hurt in the moment, so he said it the way he did to defend himself, not meaning to hurt you in any way.
Go about this thoughtfully, considering what he may be feeling too, and don't stay away from him any longer, it will just make it worse and harder to work through. I have been through some difficult things in my marriage, and a few things I could have let ruin my marriage, but I just remember that niether of us are perfect and we got married to help eachother.