I was recently asked a question by a friend and didn't know how to respond. Maybe you other mama's can help me out here.
My friend has been married for 7 years, has four kids, and her husband is a good financial provider and is kind to her. He doesn't seem to meet her emotional needs though and is pretty demanding on her giving him attention and sex constantly, even when she is emotionally and physically drained from having four children 5 years old and younger to care for 24/7 and running a home business. They have quite a few fights, especially when they are both stressed/exhausted and/or when he is constantly demanding things from her and not taking her needs in consideration.
I was told that even before they had children, my friend had to think about her ex-boyfriend/fiancee/highschool sweetheart in order to get off while having sex with her husband. She didn't seem to have much of a sexual drive toward him even before breastfeeding (which she is still currently breastfeeding the youngest BTW). She and her ex didn't break-up by their own terms, but because her parents forced them apart and she seems to still have feelings for him. She was still very young when she met her husband and wonders sometimes if she just settled for and wasn't really in love. He forced her too fast into things she wasn't ready for and was taught against, probably because he was much older and more experienced (they are 11 years apart). Apparently her ex is now getting married in 15 days and she is happy for him, but very torn-up about it (forgot to mention they still talk on the phone and her husband is okay with that).
Anyway, she asked me if it was normal to have to think of scenarios in her head to get off while having sex. She has stopped thinking about her ex because she knows that is wrong, but she still has to think up dirty and horrible things like sneaking around, having sex next to the car out on a country road, and even being raped just to get off a good deal of the time. I have absolutely no experience with this and think it doesn't sound normal... but maybe I am wrong?
I'm afraid this question was not originally asked in first person, as someone suggested, but I appreciate the concern. :-)
Sexual fantasies are normal.
Making a bunch of babies with a man you don't really love or feel connected to? That sounds messed up. I'd be more worried about THAT.
Yes, fantasies about other people/scenarios during sex are normal.
I would remind her that if she's so tired and unhappy in her current situation she should probably stop having kids with this guy. Four kids in seven years is a lot for someone who claims her needs aren't being met, and if they are already fighting they shouldn't be reproducing so rapidly. No need to bring any more children into it :-(
Fantasy during sex is perfectly normal (and healthy) for a lot of people.
It's normal. With small kids and bod changes and exhaustion its hard to feel turned on. Especially if the work at home doesn't seem shared equally. She needs to focus on what she needs to feel that he's meeting her needs and communicate that to him. If he makes the effort that will likely help a lot in getting the emotional connection back on track.
I'm pretty sure this question was asked before in the first person, not about a "friend." Good luck with your problem.
Eta...
Hmmmm...
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/15568012287460704257
Welcome to mamapedia, A.!
Yes, it's normal to have "FANTASIES" about other people...
There are women who dream of Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer, etc. and men who dream of Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron, etc.
As long as she's not out pursuing these fantasies...that's what they are FANTASIES..
Yikes, so many things are wrong with this post. It sounds like she basically married a roommate. This man provides for her and that is pretty much all the "positive" that can be said here. I'd be very surprised to learn that he suddenly started acting this way, if they have been married 7 years (and who knows how long they dated?). Nowhere does it state that she was in love with him though, so why did she marry him? Hopefully it wasn't done as a way to try to forget her boyfriend or satisfy her parents!
He sounds very selfish and demanding, and I am just wondering why she stayed married so long and had all these kids with him. She doesn't sound happy, so it does not surprise me that she has to escape to these happier times of her past via her sexual fantasies. Honestly, if she was still in love with her boyfriend, marrying someone else was a bad idea. I am just wondering how healthy this relationship with her husband can be, both for her sanity and for her children who are growing up witnessing these fights and this oppressive behavior on his part, and submissive behavior on her part, rather than seeing a relationship based out of love and respect.
I think seeing a therapist is definitely in order, but I am not sure if this marriage can/should be saved, considering all the issues of control and emotional disconnection. If she has any sort of feeling (positive, as in love) for this man, then yes, marriage counseling should be attempted, but if the marriage is broken and she feels like a sex slave/robot around him, then why continue this dysfunctional, unhappy marriage?
If you're not attracted to the person you're getting nekkid with, then yes, it's normal to have to fantasize in order to get aroused.
What's not healthy is to stay with someone you're not attracted to who demands sex from you.
Besides the problems that seem to stem directly from her husband, she herself has issues that make it impossible to be fully present in a marriage to anyone. She is just as messed up as he is, and unless she gets professional help - individually and as a couple - this misery is how her life is going to continue to be.
Nothing in her marriage is normal or healthy right now.
To have to think of others during intimacy may be common, but it's indicative of a problem.
Diane B gives great advice here. I hope that you would give your friend this advice in writing, so that she can read it over and over again...
