Does Parenting End at 18? at 21? as Needed?

I vote for "as needed." My kids are "adults," but I still occasionally give advice, since I have the wisdom of many years that they lack, and they might benefit from it.

Once they are adults, they are free to accept or reject my advice as they see fit. I will probably continue to utter a sentence or two of wisdom here and there throughout their lives, whether they like it or not. :)

Hopefully they will respect me enough to give my words some consideration. I mean, my hard-earned life experience sometimes has value.

I feel I will always be my child's parent but not always their provider. I will always love, advice and be there for my children. However they should if raised correctly become independent adults that can support themselves, financially and emotionally. Then I can be "extra" support and maybe even their friend. I don't think there is a set age...all children develop at different rates...but by 21 to 25 they should be completely self sufficient and this happens by making them slowly responsible for themselves.

Parenting is forever. I'm so grateful to my mother for STILL being a "mom" to me. I've learned as much from her as an adult as I did growing up. Sure, sometimes she gives me unsolicited advice, but it always comes from a place of love and concern. And, of course, there are times when I "know better" simply because times have changed and I keep up with them. But when sh1t hits the fan (like last year, when I got breast cancer), there's nobody I'd rather have by my side than my mom, not my husband (although he's a very close second) nor my kids. My mom. And she flew halfway around the world to be with me during my treatment.

I hope I can have the same relationship with my kids when they're adults.

My youngest is 25. My oldest is 39.

I still help and give advice, mostly when I'm asked. But if I see them sawing a limb between where they are sitting and the trunk, I warn them.

BTW, my mother died when I was 48. I asked for her advice during my mature years when I knew my asking for her opinion and advice made her feel happy. My mom was a wonderful, kind and giving person. I did my best to make her feel loved and appreciated. Its been almost 15 years. I sure miss her. I'd love to be able to giver her a hug and ask her advice again. I hope I've lived my life such that I still bring joy to her new world.

Good luck to you and yours.

Boundaries is the issue here. As parents we gradually loosen the boundaries. There is no certain age to stop parenting. We gradually do it.

But then, what is the definition of parenting? I suggest that once a child moves out of the house to be on their own we stop calling to make sure they're wearing a sweater. lol But then is that parenting?

My grandchildren are now 9 and 12 and we still insist that they wear sweaters. I'm trying to stop doing that. They're old enough to know whether or not they need one. And whether or not a person needs a sweater is best known by each individual. All of us have different metabolisms and sensitivities.

My parents always were interested in my well being. They offered advice and my mother allowed me to take it or not. My Dad insisted he was always right and lectured me when I didn't do as he said. I appreciated my mom and fought often with my dad. Boundaries were frequently an issue with both.

My daughter moved out and was pregnant at 19 while still relying on my for financial support. I continued to parent, i.e. teach (as I saw it) how to live as an adult. We fought a lot. Eventually, taking a few years, we both learned how to have better boundaries. I learned to let go of my need to control her. Of course, I didn't see what I was doing as control but it was. I had to learn to let her make her own mistakes. I learned to only offer advice when she asked for it. And I learned that if I couldn't give her the money without strings attached I had to not give her the money. We had to take a break from each other of a few weeks to 2-3 months before we learned how to be friends.

It's not always a smooth transition from parenting to being a friend. In fact I suggest that it's often very difficult as pictured on this site with all the parent and in-law questions. The theme I see running thru all of them is needing boundaries. Learning to have and keep boundaries is learned from childhood on. Parents and children can be friends once all people have boundaries and recognize the other person's boundaries. It's an ongoing learning process and doesn't stop until we die.

I recognize that even friends often have difficulty with boundaries. I have a friend who worries and expresses her concern that I'm over doing with my daughter and her family. My sense is that she feels that I'm not doing this the best way. And she may be right but what I do is my decision. I sometimes resent her comments but I still briefly listen before changing the subject while I consciously let go of my resentment.

With my friend I've tried telling her I don't want to hear it and she doesn't get it. I've decided to not make that an issue in our friendship. I can see doing that within the family too. As you said your mom does this out of love. We cannot change the other person.

Now with my daughter, we've learned to be more direct and both of us will say that we don't want to hear it. We've also learned to say when we just want to vent and don't want advice. Good communication makes good boundary enforcement.

First we have to know what our boundaries are and then we need to learn how to thoughtfully enforce them It's more complicated between parent and child but it's important to work on it.

My daughter says I'm not her parent now. I'm her friend. But she also says I'm her Mom. I think she's right but it's a very difficult concept to get my mind around. That's a whole nother post.

Parenting never ends. You've heard parents say "You'll always be my little boy/girl" and that's really the way it is. However, once they move out and are no longer living on your dime, the dynamics change. You can no longer be in charge of things like whether or not they clean up after themselves or what time they come home and things like that. But your kids will always turn to you when they need support, guidance and encouragement. That never ends.

My parents allowed us to be fully financially independent and out on our own by 18. I am SO THANKFUL FOR THIS. I struggled and prevailed and have been a self sufficient and mature adult ever since. Can I go to them for advice? SURE! Do they IMPOSE their advice upon me? NO! To me this is what I am striving for with my kids. I'm trying to implement all I can as a foundation in their childhood so they can be independent people at 18. Will I offer my wisdom in a "take it or leave it, here's my opinion" way after 18? Absolutely.

I can honestly say that supporting kids financially and too much emotionally for day to day functions past 18 almost always leads to unhealthy co-dependency or at the very least slows development into adulthood in the people I personally know. I could list many people like this in my extended frineds/family network alone.

It must be very difficult to let go of the reins on the people you love most but I believe it's the best thing for them. I had this debate with my ex MIL who believes supporting adult children is best (and she has two dysfunctional adult sons -one still depending on her at 44) because "We always do what we think is best for our kids and we never stop being their parents". True, but not everyone has the same idea of what is best.

I don't think it ever really ends, but you adjust your level and and start tapering off in the early 20s. I moved out at 18 and still needed an assist here and there while in college. I'm fiercely independent, always have been, and *rarely* ever ask my parents opinions about anything in regards to my life. Because I don't want to hear the answer, lol! One thing I do credit my parents for is they aren't meddlesome or offer unsolicited opinions. I hope I can do the same!

my parents were extremely hands-off. i moved out thankfully at 17, but had to move back home twice as a young adult, and got into financial difficulties. both times my parents charged me rent, and made it clear they wanted me out ASAP.
i'm much more warm and accepting of my own boys. this will always be their home and they will always be welcome here. but if they did move back at this point (except for the one still in college) i would also want some rent.
for me the hardest thing has been (and is still, it's an ongoing process) to learn to keep my big mouth shut. my boys, who are currently 26 and 22, are still very open with me, but i have had to rein back my expectations that they'll share most things in their lives with me. they share a house in baltimore now and come home a couple of times a month, and it's been an adjustment for me to accept that it's not hiding or evasive or shutting me out, that they just have independent lives now that don't require my comments, or praise, or suggestions, or feedback. what they want to share with me they do, and i am learning to be happy with that and not probe.
it really hit home to me a few months ago, when my younger was home for the weekend. his longtime GF was one of 'my' homeschool kids, and my working student in the barn, and her mom is one of my besties, so i've always felt as if i had some sort of a right to poke about. i mentioned to him that one of our mutual friends had commented that our girlie was getting alarmingly thin, and was wondering if she was flirting with an old eating disorder issue.
he answered me very courteously, but i saw his brows snap together briefly while he considered what to say. and it slammed home to me in that instant that i was becoming 'that' mother (and MIL.)
i have been very conscious since then of waiting for my input to be solicited before commenting. because i've always been a very involved mom, it's hard! but i want to keep the closeness, and i recognize that paradoxically this means stepping back and letting the new paradigm form organically, and i hope strongly.
khairete
S.

I'm 47 (darn!! I need a calculator to figure out my age!!) and my parents are STILL people I turn to for advice. You NEVER stop being a parent, at least not that I see...you still care for your children...no matter their age.

Does that mean that they still "provide" for me? HECK NO!! I'm an adult. Fully capable of living on my own.

With my kids? They will ALWAYS be my children. No matter how old they are. I will ALWAYS want to go to bat for them, guide them and "protect" them....

I went to college at 18, 8 hours from home. I live 1400 miles from my parents now.

My oldest just turned 19, and has taken a gap year before college. That has been trickier. I'm trying to take my hands off the wheel and not do as much for him. But it's tough when he's still home.

Ultimately I view my role as shifting from "center stage" to "supporting cast." I do NOT want 25 year old men hanging out at home on the Play Station. I'm going to observe proper boundaries with them.

I also think it's emasculating to coddle grown sons. I don't think my guys will let me carry that on much longer (even if I wanted to, which I don't).

I know I'll be so sad when my guys do fly the nest, but I'm looking forward to time with my husband.

I don't think that it's as much about parenting as it is about personality. It's like educators and nurses and doctors. Retiring only means that you no longer get paid for it, but it's still who you are (if it was ever who you were). I would think that your relationships with your children always change as everybody grows and learns, and you adjust how you relate with them according to who they are and who you are. I tend to mother my mother, and she can't stand it, because of her issues with her actual mother.

Generally speaking, when you move out of the house, the boundaries change in a big big big way. As in, you don't call and check in--you wait until they call you.
If they are living at home, feel free to check up. They can move out if they are too smothered.

Personally, I think you can't just switch middle of the road--you have to build up to treating them like adults. That is what parenting is--teaching them how to be productive members of society and polite ones with good manners as well. Hopefully, this will mostly be accomplished before they are of an age to move out on their own. And the natural progression would be exactly that--for them to move out on their own.

If you don't adequately prepare them (or they are dense and don't learn) then don't expect them to be ready to move out at 18. But with the proper relationship and expectations and lessons having been learned and fostered, they will WANT to move out--not stay living in your basement as a freeloader forever.

22 yr old and a 18 yr old. I am still learning when to shut up and let life teach them. ...and act surprised when it does.

I don't think there is a defined age, I think it is where your son/daughter is emotionally etc. I think 18 is still an age to "parent" for most kids but some are ready then---depends on emotional maturity to me and all the other factors in life as well.

I dont feel that parenting ever truly ends till the parent dies. There are still needs for guidance and consirne that you will find your children always needing advice. Sure eventually they can figure it out on there own. The dont need you to survive. But I sometimes will call my father and ask him questions on life. When they go to purchase there first home they might ask you some questions, relationship advice, new born baby advice. A parents roll is usually always there it just evolves.

As far as your mother calling to inform you to wear a sweater. Just say things like " you raised me well I already knew to wear one" or something flattering and knowing like this. I dont find that so much as parenting but more just a bossy controlling personality! Well meaning but unnessissary and just her way.

As needed in the college timeframe. SD still calls home in a panic about x or y or needs Dad to send her some money for books, food, bus ticket. But I think that as people age, it is less "parenting" and more "advising". And those who give advice need to know when to shut the heck up. I had to learn to let my sister be an adult and not get into so much of her business, so it's not limited to parents. If she calls and asks him if he's wearing a sweater and he doesn't tell her to MYOB, then that's his problem. If you do not want your mom to tell you what to wear, then say so. If my mom were to call me up and say that, I would laugh and say, "Mom, seriously." and move onto another topic.

In my opinion, parenting never ends!! My parents were well into their 80's when I lost them and even though I had a husband, kids and my own life, I would still periodically discuss things with them to hear their thoughts. I valued their opinion. A lot of times my Mom had a little more opinion than I would have preferred, but I just took it with a grain of salt, as they say. They didn't call to tell me to wear a sweater, but I know they worried about me till the day they died!

As for my method of parenting - I'm pretty much like my parents. My son, who is 18, has a lot of freedom but he is still required to follow some rules. He will be going to college in the Fall and as long as I am paying some of the bills, I feel I have the right to say things to him and voice my opinion. Especially since I am technically still responsible for him, and he will be under our insurance until he is out of school. I feel that I have gently guided him - he is a great kid, I am very proud of him and I have no doubt he will go far in this world. Although I still worry about him (and always will) I feel he almost always makes very wise decisions.

My daughter is 15, and although she's going thru a stage right now, I will parent her the same as her brother when she reaches 18 and older. I know she has a good head on her shoulders, and like her brother, I'm sure she will go far in this world.

My sister, on the other hand, took a totally different approach than how we were raised. She followed the guidance of her idiot husband, had a very tight grip on their children and every one of them rebelled - it wasn't pretty!!! Even as adults, they are still wild, have no steady jobs and have quite a dim outlook on their futures.

As for your Mom, calling her brother to tell him to wear a sweater is going just a little too far. That probably would get on my nerves!! lol!!

Good luck!!

My 23-year-old daughter is currently living with me.
If I'm doing my laundry and she has a few pieces in the laundry room, I'll throw them in with mine, but she knows not to assume that if I did my laundry I did hers.
She knows if she's cold or not. She decides if she needs to wear a sweater or not.
I cook what I feel like cooking when I feel like cooking it. If I cook, I cook enough for two. But she knows not to assume that I will be making dinner. If she's hungry, she gets herself food.

Parenting never ends, you just have to bite your tongue more. Then "if" you are asked for your suggestions/opinions give them. A lot of things they do, I do not agree to, but do not lecture, offer advice, or scold anymore. They have to learn their own lessons in life, as we did.

On the other hand my mother still thinks I am a child, and tries to control everything I do and that of the kids. And if I don’t listen to her, she will get mad (darn-too bad it does not last long!)

my mom still acts like my mom and lectures, and warns and so on to a certain degree but also I'm old enough that I can call her out on it respectfully=) i'm 30
i dont mind the way she is because i have the ability to talk to her and tell her how i feel as where when i was a kid that warranted a slap or punnishment

My mom still tells me what she thinks no matter what. And most the time I don't ask her what she thinks cause she will tell me and not let up if I don't agree.

My older kids and I have always been friends, but I am mom, that won't change no matter how old they get. If something is stupid , I'll say it's stupid, but I do the same for friends. It's not just them because they are my child. However, I say my piece and move on. When if something backfires, I like to say I told you so, but again I move on they learned a lesson, and all I can/could do is warn them.