Why You Need to Join the Class Action Lawsuit Against the "Switch Witch"

We all know there are certain perks to being parents. Kids are like bloodhounds at finding shoes under a crowded bed (they don’t know about the spiders under there). They make good blankets when the weather is cold (but watch out for the icy feet o’ death). And the kids’ Halloween candy is delicious for sharing (please substitute the word “stealing” for sharing). Stealing. Yes I said it.

The wife and I had lonnnnggg ago trained the kids that they can trick-or-treat ’till their bag explodes.. ’till they can’t lug another piece of candy… ’till they literally tip over and fall… but then they can only eat just a few of those treats. Everyone knows the rest goes to mom and dad’s “work” (by “work” I mean a small Hefty bag that sits in my car until I’ve eaten all the good stuff and abandoned the rest). It was simple, and it was understood. The kids KNEW they got the fun of trick-or-treating, then they got to pick their four pieces of candy and hand over the rest to never be seen again.

And then they heard about the Switch Witch. What type of holy hell did this hag come from?

Born out of a book and whispered from kid to kid on the elementary school playground, the idea behind the Switch Witch is that a kind and giving witch will leave a toy for the good girls and boys who leave their candy for her. Now, my daughter is asking if the Switch Witch will come, when she comes, and where she leaves the “toy” when she does.

Oh yes, the brilliance of this (and by brilliance I mean absolute stupidity) is that the Switch Witch leaves a special toy in exchange for the candy. Now, my 7 year old wants to pick out the toy. And she’s hoping that if she hands over MORE candy the toy will be BIGGER. Basically, she’s now expecting a big toy for handing over candy… something we already had her totally trained to do for FREE! The Switch Witch and all the parents out there who can’t properly steal candy from their kids did this.

I’m not talking about leaving a dollar when the Tooth Fairy collects a kid’s tooth; I’m talking about REWARDING kids not to eat all the candy. How about we just tell them they CAN’T eat all the candy? And then one day they’ll be adults and they can do the same to THEIR kids.

This is my long way of saying that the Switch Witch owes me $25 bucks for the toy I need to buy. And she owes you $25 bucks, too. And I’m here to announce a class action lawsuit on behalf of all the other parents who have now been roped into the Switch Witch.

I have a good mind to slap you with a Twizzler.

Pete Wilgoren is an Emmy award winning journalist who writes about his often surprising, embarrassing, and educational experiences surrounded by a wife and two little girls. Find Dadmissions on Facebook and on his blog Dadmissions.