We Don't Care if You Stare

My free time is much more limited now than it used to be, but I still subscribe to quite a few magazines. People magazine is not one of them so if I see it lying around somewhere, I will pick it up. I’m far too shallow to care about the human interest stories, but I do like the paparazzi pictures that kick off each issue.

I have noticed that when celebrities are photographed with one or more of their kids, if the kid happens to be adopted the writers will qualify the description. For example: “Sandra Bullock and her adopted child, Louis…” Have you ever noticed that, or is that something that struck me because I have a kid who is adopted?

Why the qualification? Is it to promote adoption? Is Sandra Bullock (staying with her as an example) a rep for adoption? Maybe the qualification is there to alert all other kids who are adopted in case they know Louis…? That happens to me. Sometimes when people find out that I’m Jewish, they will ask me if I know a Jewish person in another state. I think they think that we all belong to the “I’m-A-Jew Club” or something. Like we all know each other. Like we have sweet matching Jew jackets.

I’m not a super sensitive person by nature, but I can be empathetic towards others, so when I see the seemingly needless People magazine adoption qualification under the picture of the kid and the parent, I can’t help but wonder:

When the kid is old enough to understand, how is he going to feel about being described like that?

There is nothing wrong with being curious about families that don’t fit the conventional norm. You might even sneak a peek if you see one such family out and about. If, however, you’re going for the gold and you want to attempt a few personal questions–you might want to consider your words, your timing and your approach before opening the door of your piehole store.

I, personally, haven’t had much experience with uncomfortable situations regarding our interracial adoptive family, so when I decided to write this entry I called in for backup and enlisted the help of some very special adoptive moms and dads from around the world. Drawing from both their stories and their comments, a Top 10 list of adoption anecdotes was born. Some Side Notes: A) The list is in no particular order. B) Please refrain from holding the italicized commentary following each article against the contributors, that’s all me. They’re classy. I’m not.

1. To a mom about her 8-month-old baby recently adopted from China: “Does she speak Chinese?” No, lady, she does not speak Chinese. She doesn’t speak anything. She is a freakin’ baby.

2. “How much did you pay for her?” No one has ever asked me that question but it has been asked of other people. If someone were to ask me, it might take a minute to get over my shock, but I would come up with something, and it would be good.

3. This one actually was directed at me not long after we came home from China and I was at a restaurant with my new daughter: “She is SO cute! Do you have any of your own?” If she’s not mine, someone at this restaurant is going to be really pissed when they realize that I took her.

4. This is a favorite among those of us who have adopted from an international country like China: “Are you going to tell her that she’s adopted?” There really is no response that the person posing this question will understand because clearly he was dropped on his head when he was little.

5. This is a favorite among those of us who have adopted internationally OR domestically: “Now that you have adopted, you will for sure get pregnant. Oh my GAWD. That always happens! I know this one girl, well, I don’t know her but my friend kind of does, and her sister’s friend’s niece or something was waiting to adopt from Cambodia or Russia or somewhere and she GOT PREGNANT!!” …UGH. Stop talking. Adoption is not always a second choice. Please don’t assume it is. For many of us (let me introduce myself) the need to adopt was much more overwhelming than the need to get preggo. In fact, many of us have never had any desire to get pregnant, ever.

6. “Is her father Chinese?” Some people get offended by this one. I don’t. I’m just not into Chinese guys.

7. “Are you babysitting?” I found this one interesting because just recently someone asked me if I was the nanny for my kids. I was so excited I called my girlfriend, Busy, to tell her. We immediately assumed, of course, that the guy asked me that question because he thought I looked young. After hearing that other adoptive moms have been asked this same question, I regretfully realize that Busy and I may have been wrong. The man who asked was probably confused by me having one kid from China and from The Bagina. He didn’t think I looked young at all. He just thought I was some old ass babysitter. I hate that guy.

8. “I didn’t realize he was going to look so Chinese!!” What did you think he was going to look like…AFRICAN?? (Both quote and commentary are verbatim).

9. “Why didn’t you adopt from the U.S.?” Bold. You gotta have some moxie to ask this one. Everyone has their own reasons for adopting and for choosing their child’s area of indigenous descent. I have a whole backstory that led me to China and I don’t mind discussing it. Others do. Slippery slope on this one. Wear a helmut.

10. “I heard they only want boys in China. How did you get a boy?” Ok, kids… Get out your pencils! Take this down: There is a one child policy in China. A Chinese woman gets pregnant. Said Chinese woman already has a child. Sadly, Chinese woman will more than likely have to give her second child up and there is 50/50 chance that the baby she is pregnant with is A BOY. Pencils down.

Extra Credit: No, the Special Needs kids who are up for adoption in China are not “On Sale.” No, we don’t feel like we’re missing out on birth because it is completely and totally surreal the first time we hold our new baby in our arms, especially after so many years of waiting. Yes, when our kid hurts, it rips our heart in two just like it does when it’s our bio chio. And finally–we would collectively prefer if you refrained from referring to our child as a “foreign object.”

I hope I don’t come off sounding bitter about my family dynamics because I’m truly not. I don’t have a high tolerance for stupidos, but that has nothing to do with our adoption. Over the years I have grown much less defensive and much more amused. In fact, if I’m not in a huge rush or stuffing my face, I honestly don’t mind answering questions, (no matter how crazy) but please respect that not everyone is like me.

I can only speak for my family when I say “We don’t care if you stare.” Other families prefer that their differences are respected by not calling attention to them. Some families are very private about their story, some may not be in the mood to enlighten or educate, and some might feel that it’s inappropriate to discuss details in front of their child. (The kids can hear and it would be very unfortunate if a child got hurt during a session of a Adoption Q and A. I may not be bitter, and I may be open to answering well-meaning questions about my family, but even I will bust someone into next week if they upset my kid).

There’s a great deal of indispensible wisdom within these lines, (I can say that since not all of it is from me) and if you know of anyone who might benefit from reading it, please send it on. Who among us couldn’t use a refreshing spritz of common courtesy? If you don’t like to share, (selfish) then can I at least ask you for one thing? When Brad and Angelina were preg with Shiloh, the press reported that they were expecting their first child…if Sandra Bullock ever gets knocked up and the press writes that that she is expecting her first child, can you at least join me in wondering what the hell happened to Louis?

Robyn Coden is the mom of one adopted kid, one bio kid and a stubby-tailed Golden Retriever. She currently writes for the blog Dimsum and Doughnuts.