We Can Have it All-Just Not All at Once!
Q. How do you do it all?
A. Well, the short answer is that I don’t, or at least not every day.
I have three girls, a nine year old and twin 5 year olds. Until I had the twins, I thought I could work part-time, have a spotless house, be a fun mom, volunteer, get in shape and look smashing every day. I was unrealistic, to say the least. As a result, I struggled with a sense of failure at the end of each day. The laundry piled up, my daughter’s school papers were a jumbled mess on the counter, dinner was pieced together, the sink trap emitted a foul odor and no one would dare eat off of my floors.
And then the universe had a good laugh at my expense; because during the routine sonogram at week 20, I found out I was having twins. My doctor told me to get everything ready for the babies in eight weeks because even if I were not on bed rest by then, it was unlikely that I would feel like doing anything. After the girls were born, I would sit and nurse them, looking at all of the chaos in my house, and try not to feel overwhelmed. This was not easy for someone who likes order.
Every day, I took care of the babies and tried to be present. I watched them learn to laugh and smile. I noticed when their eyelashes became more luxurious. I knew each child’s likes and idiosyncrasies. Before long, I realized that every six months, I could look back and see that things had gotten significantly better. Viewing this time with my babies as segments was a huge relief for me. I realized that we were making progress, but I had needed perspective to see it.
For most women I know, something magical happens when the youngest child is around four or five. The clouds lift. You shower daily. You begin to think about making balanced, homemade meals. You can see a life for yourself emerging. Before the children are this age, you need to save your energy for what is important: nursing, sleeping, and keeping the toddler off of the counters. On busy days, tell yourself “I will clean off one flat surface and that will be my big accomplishment for today!” Sometimes, this is all you can do.
Imagine your older self, kissing your grown children good-bye as they go off to college. I do not mean this as a maudlin exercise, but rather, as a tool to help you remember that these years are very short. As my wise aunt told me when I was struggling through twin toddler hood and potty training, “Sweetie, you will never expend this much energy again in your life.”
Next, own up to it. It is a waste of your energy to pretend that everything is okay. Tell your friends that you are surrounded by dirt and chores and you feel overwhelmed. Ask them for organizational tips. Ask them how they do it. If any one of them acts horrified that you would have such an issue or tells you elaborate procedures for organizing baby bottles-find yourself some new friends. Friends who won’t make you feel less than. Find friends that give you a sense of solidarity, who are finding their own way and are not afraid to admit it.
Another tip is to get the kids to help around the house. An older woman I once met told me that her mother made everything fun-even waxing the floors. Her mother would put the wax down and then place her daughter on a towel and drag her all around the rooms. The floors got polished and mother and daughter had a fine time. Even a toddler can use a tiny broom to sweep up a small area. They also like to wipe down the cabinets. Cut a sponge into squares, give them a small bowl of water and let them scrub-a-dub-dub! Don’t worry about water that gets spilled on the floor, you can mop the floor with a towel while you clean up the puddle. Or better yet, let them do it!
Look to parents who have children older than yours. They can light the way for you and give you much needed perspective. Give yourself a break. Swap babysitting with friends or ask a family member to help out with cleaning or laundry. Tell your partner how you are feeling and that you would like some division of labor around the house. Having entire categories that someone else manages will be a relief. It is important for you to then NOT manage those areas. So, he doesn’t fold towels the way you like? Let it go, you are not Martha Stewart. And that’s a good thing.
Women can have it all and do it all, just not every day. Try to find some balance and grace each day because the truth is this: dirty floors, piles of laundry and toys scattered all over doesn’t matter. What matters is the health and well being of yourself and your family. Take care of you. Take care of your lovely children and fit in housework when you can.
Jane Estes is a yoga teacher and writer living in Central Texas. She loves her family, walking, weekends and chocolate. Should you come over to her house, she recommends that you do not eat off of her floors.
