Tips for a Strong Post-Baby Partnership
Up until the point of your baby being born, you and your partner were navigating this wild world as a unified duo. You had your friends and family, of course, but your home was just yours, your vacations together placed an emphasis on partner-bonding, and many of the activities you planned were just for the two of you. Giving birth changed your relationship dynamic – not for better or worse, but things have changed.
“Your body has just undergone an immense transformation and your hormones are going crazy. You’re also going to probably want to bond with your baby so much, so there’s some naturally occurring separation there, as well,” explained Dr. Kathryn Smerling, a NYC-based psychologist who works specifically as a family therapist.
Many couples feel this immediately, and it can be startling. It’s important to understand that what you’re feeling emotionally and physically is completely normal, and that making a conscious effort to strengthen your bond with your partner can help you flourish as a family.
Be Mindful of Each Other’s Needs
You may feel a natural inclination to focus solely on your baby in the weeks and months following your child’s birth, but you need to focus on being a team now more than you ever have before.
“After the baby is born, it’s imperative that both mother and father understand what the other needs from one another, and to constantly be in communication about what the other person is feeling,” said Dr. Smerling. “Especially for the mother’s wellbeing, her partner should focus on strengthening his relationship by being as helpful as possible, and not making demands on her. At this point, he really should do whatever he has to do to take care of her.”
Women may also feel overwhelmed by that “motherly instinct,” which can lead them to unknowingly neglect their spouse. Mom should be conscious of including her partner in this very early child-rearing, and should also make a valiant effort to understand how her partner is feeling in this new environment.
Be Intimate
We’ll lead by saying you should default to your doctor’s orders regarding sex. Whether you can have physical intercourse or not, though, you can still be physically intimate with your partner. Long hugs, spooning in bed or on the couch, kisses, back rubs, and hand-holding can make you feel significantly more connected. Make an effort to do this throughout the day.
Work Together to Keep Your Home Clean
“With a new baby at home, there’s going to be more than a fair amount of changing diapers, breastfeeding, cooking, and keeping the house clean. Never underestimate the physical toll having birth takes on a new mother during postpartum,” said Dr. Smerling. “One of the things I recommend is for her partner to joyfully play a role in making sure all the mother’s household needs are being met. You’d be amazed at how much this strengthens a relationship.”
Schedule a Recurring Date
The thought of penciling in a mini date or check-in may not sound very romantic, but consistently setting aside time for each other can greatly improve your relationship. You can use this time together to trade back rubs, watch a TV show, go on a walk, take a power nap, or simply talk.
Dr. Smerling said that it’s important to “check in” with each other during this time to see where the other person is at emotionally, mentally, and physically.
“Have a direct, open and honest conversation with each other,” she said. “Are you overwhelmed in some areas? What’s working? What’s not? What adjustments have to be made? The baby has now taken top priority, so check in with each other to make sure you’re doing everything you can to ensure both your, and the child’s, needs are being met.”
Wendy Rose Gould is a writer based in Phoenix, Arizona. She covers women’s lifestyle topics for numerous digital publications, including InStyle, xoVain, Refinery29, Revelist, PopSugar and ModCloth. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram or at WendyGould.com
