The Do's & Don'ts of Post-Divorce Communication

1. Do update your Facebook.
Once you are divorced, please take the time to update your Facebook page, Twitter, Picasa, and any other place you might house your wedding photos online. I would think the reasons for this are obvious, but obviously not to everyone. Think about it, you’re out on a date and you tell someone, yes you can friend me on Facebook. They go home, look you up to find you are all smiles with your ex in wedding attire. Not exactly what a prospective suitor wants to see. We know you had another life before now… but do you have to broadcast it while dating?

2. Do treat all current significant others with respect.
This should also be a no brainer. Think about it this way — you may not like them, they may seem like the devil incarnate, but your ex has chosen to be with them for the moment, (or for a lifetime?) you simply don’t know. It pays to start out on good footing. You never know which one is going to potentially be your child’s step-parent. So don’t randomly pop up when they are out on a date or call with an emergency every Friday night. Don’t call at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning (under the guise of checking in on the kids) just to see if they stayed over . You know they don’t get up before 9am so why are you calling at 6am to say hi? I realize it can be lonely when your kids are gone, but you must find something to do.

3. Don’t think you still control your ex.
Divorce means a separation – a physical parting of ways. When you part ways with your spouse, you lose the rights that came with being married to them. That means if something breaks in your house, you have to fix it yourself. Call a handyman, call a plumber, but don’t call your ex even if they are nice enough to come help. They are coming to help out of habit, and because their child lives in that house. Don’t read into it more than what it is.

4. Don’t Lie.
Again, another no brainer, but I feel like I must put it on the list. A lot of people have a bad habit of stretching or exaggerating the truth to suit their own agenda. But if practiced often, you become the boy who cried wolf. Real life example: When your child is getting a baby tooth pulled, but you call up frantic saying that he has to have oral surgery and you ex-spouse needs to be there rightnow. I’m sure the child would appreciate your presence, but there is no need to leave work for a pulled baby tooth. Instead, a better way to handle the situation would be to inform the parent of the situation and ask if they wanted to be there. Simple, honest, direct communication is essential to the co-parenting relationship.

5. Don’t stalk your ex and their significant other online.
Need I restate the obvious? Here’s a question, why would you even want to know what’s going with your ex and their new whatever? I know I don’t care about what my ex does, who he’s with, or what they do. As long as she treats my kids with respect, I could care less if they bought a farm, raised pigs and called them all George. (And if you’re planning to stalk your ex, and their new significant other online, don’t do it in front of your kids. They will drop the dime on you as soon as they get into the car.)

6. Don’t email the new significant other.
Unless they email you or contact you in some way, odds are, there’s a reason. If you are going to email them, keep it short and sweet and to the point. See #4. And there is no need to elaborate on your ex-spouse’s shortcomings. Likely, everything you hate about him, she loves, or she wouldn’t be married to him otherwise. So let’s keep it to the present shall we?

7. Don’t subject your children to the Spanish Inquisition.
Your child gets x number of days a year to spend with each parent. Don’t subject them to an FBI interrogation when they get home. It’s fine to ask if they had a good time, what they did, how their step-siblings are doing, and any information they wish to volunteer. What’s not ok? Asking them if their stepmom has gotten fat, do they fight, what do they fight about, has your dad bought anything new? Ect. You see where I’m going? Questioning like this just makes the kids feel like they are spies for you. Step-parents should extend their step-children the same courtesy. Unless they come to you with an issue or they seem off when they get home… stop the interrogating.

8. Don’t be late.
When picking up and dropping off always be punctual. Some parents are always early to pick up and late to drop off. I know you might be happy to have a weekend of free time, but also realize that your ex has a life too. Being on time to pick up or drop off your kid is a courtesy that goes a long way. There’s always things that can happen, emergencies do arise, but don’t wait until eleven at night to call when you were supposed to pick him up five hours earlier. It shows a lack of respect and courtesy.

9. Do watch your mouth.
We all know that little ears hear everything, so please watch what you say. Don’t talk about your ex and their significant other in front of or around your child. Let them make up their own mind about the situation. Save the trash-talk for your girls nights out — where it belongs. This negatively affects your child’s relationships with their other parent and step-parent. Think about it this way, if heaven forbid something should happen to you, who do you think is going to raise your child? It will be hard enough dealing with the loss of a parent without adding to it the stress of living with a parent they have been taught to hate. Not a good situation for your child.

10. Do remember it’s always about the kids.
If you’re a parent, I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but I will anyway because it bares repeating. Everything you do in relation to your ex should be what is good for the child. Is it better for my child to keep in contact with them on a regular basis? Is it better for him/her to see them less or more? Would it be better for my child if I was friendlier with my ex? I could list a 100 questions here but I won’t because you get my drift. It’s about the child and their relationship with their parent that you have to foster. It’s not about you, or how you feel about anything. You got divorced, and as a result of that divorce, other family members have been added to that child’s family, not yours. They now have a step-parent and step-siblings and/or half-siblings who would like to come to graduations and birthday parties for your child. Don’t shut them out because of your own issues. You’re not hurting your ex or their new spouse, you’re hurting your own child.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience. What’s your experiencs? What would you add to the list?

Michelle D. is a graduate of the George Washington University where she studied many things that never prepared her for motherhood. A self-professed movie and TV snob, she also has an encyclopedic knowledge of all things musical. When she’s not chasing twin toddlers, a kindergartener, or catching up on the latest tween drama, she’s blogging. Scattered Wrecks showcases her short stories, social commentary and advice through her series, ‘Diary of a Third Wife’. The series chronicles the trials and triumphs of managing a blended family and dealing with ex-spouses. Michelle lives in Northern Virginia with her husband and her blended family of five. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and Pinterest.