The Best Moms are the Best Liars

So then… I see the package on my front step and jump with excitement!

My older sister Dawn has been helping our Mom clean out her attic. She’s mailed my Baby Book across the country to my house!

What? A book about ME?

That’s my FAVORITE topic! I can’t wait to see all the photos and notes and anecdotes my Mom penned about the mini-me!

I rip open the package and see a sweet little old-fashioned baby book.

Oh My God. It is ADORABLE!

I gently open the book to see my name lovingly inscribed there. Awwww.

Then I tenderly turn the fragile pages which are… EMPTY.

COMPLETELY EMPTY.

What!?

I call my sister. “What the hell, Dawn?! My Baby Book is EMPTY!”

“Oh,” she says. “Well, you were the THIRD child. Our parents were probably pretty busy by then. And then they had two more, so I guess they just didn’t have time to work on it.”

“Oh, easy enough for you to say. You were the second child. Is YOUR Baby Book filled in?”

“Um… yes,” she admits sheepishly.

“Well, why’d you even bother to mail me my Baby Book if it was EMPTY?” I ask.

“I dunno. I’m mailing stuff to everybody all over the country, trying to help Mom clean out her attic. I don’t have time to open everything! Just be glad you got a book at all! I’m not so sure the 4th and 5th kids even got a book!”

She has a point.

It reminds me of the night my friend Angie confided a little secret:

One night over drinks Angie says, “I lied to my daughter.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Well, the damn teacher asked the kids to bring their Baby Books to school so all the third graders could ‘get to know each other,’” she says, sipping her mojito. “What the hell do they need to do that for? Who cares what they were like as babies? They can get to know their third grade selves!”

“Uh-oh,” I say, smiling. “Sounds like someone’s a bit defensive.”

“Damn right I’m defensive!” she says. “I never made a Baby Book for her! I have one for my first kid – it’s packed with all sorts of his photos and crap – but by the time I popped out the next kid, I didn’t have time for that! I was chasing a toddler and trying to grab my baby off my titties long enough to sleep for an hour!”

I’m laughing hysterically because she’s practically acting out her words, so her boob-pulling is attracting some attention in this little restaurant.

“So what’d you tell her when she asked for her Baby Book?” I ask.

Angie looks guilty and says, “I told her it’s packed away and I’ll have to get it out later.”

“Um… okay… so… ?” I ask with furrowed brow. “How are you gonna—”

“I bought a new one!” she says boldly. “Yep, I just marched into the store and bought a brand new Baby Book. I found some old baby pics of her and glued them right in there.”

“You did not!” I laugh.

She nods her head emphatically.

I ask, “But what’d you do about all the sections that ask ‘What was baby’s first word?’ or ‘When did baby take its first step?’ How can you remember so long ago?”

“I just made shit up!” She slugs the last of her mojito and motions to the server for another. “First word? How about ‘ball?’ First steps? I dunno — a year maybe? So I put 11 months. Figured she’s a go-getter so she was probably early. Why not boost her self-esteem a little?”

Angie dips a chip and continues her rant, punctuating her words by pointing her chip in the air:

“First baby food? Sweet potatoes! Favorite baby food? Apricots!”

“Apricots?” I interject. “Are you sure that’s a baby foo—?”

“Shut up, Darcy! She’ll never know!” she laughs. “Favorite toy? How about a green stuffed animal ARMADILLO!?”

I gasp-laugh. “What if she asks to SEE the green stuffed animal armadillo!?”

She says mournfully, “It was accidentally sucked out of our minivan window when we made a sharp turn into Disneyland.” She makes the sorrowful puppy eyes.

“You just made that shit up right now!” I accuse her.

“Yes, yes, I did. And I’ll tell her the same thing if she asks me. ‘Cause I love my daughter — but I didn’t have time to create a damn Baby Book back when she was a baby! And I’m sure as hell not gonna let her walk into that classroom empty-handed! So I made the whole damn thing up and passed it off as totally real – and she bought it – hook, line, and sinker!”

Angie looks me straight in the eye, defiantly – almost daring me to object to her deceitful little ruse.

I clink my glass to hers, smile, and say, “Honey, you are an AWESOME mother!”

On her laugh-out-loud humor blog, SoThenStories.com, Darcy Perdu shares her hilarious humiliations and merry misadventures featuring her embarrassing children, exasperating coworkers, and the ever-perplexing public. Her funny true tales have earned Humor Voices of the Year Awards from BlogHer for 2013 and 2014. Join her for a perfect blend of awkward and snark! You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.