Stop Procrastinating Pull Up Lovin' Parents and Potty Train!

If you’re a parent that’s using Pull Ups… STOP. Just STOP right here. You don’t need to read on. Because you’re obviously scared. You’re obviously putting off the P-O-T-T-Y because you don’t want to deal with the disgusting, ugly, filthy, stinky truth about Potty Training.

You’ve heard the stories from other parents. Horrible, epic stories about kids pooping and peeing all over pristine houses. I’m here to tell you – the stories are all true. (Except for that story about Susie, who was soooooo smart that she was completely potty trained by 19-months old. That one is bull).

Potty Training will scare the $h!t out of you (pun intended). You will be cleaning up bodily fluids for days. You will smell. Your kid will smell. You will go through gallons of bleach, loads of laundry and bottles of vodka. This is all true. But, maybe, just maybe, spelling out the rewards of potty training will motivate even the most procrastinatin’, Pull Up lovin’ parents out there.

Here are the reasons why potty training is rewarding:

1. Hundreds of dollars will miraculously appear back in your pocket. Diapers are like what, $25 a box? This gets you about 58 diapers which lasts maybe a week. That’s $100 a month! Get your hair done mama! For gawd sakes get a massage! Daddy – go get that dapper jacket you’ve been eyeing. These are your “Diaper Dollars,” your “Massage Monies,” your “Booze Bucks.” Spend it on you – you’ve earned it after the hell you’ve gone through.

2. No more brown streaks on your hands. That’s right… I’m talking about that fecal matter that rubbed off on the top of your hand while you were wiping your kid. Yeah… no more of that.

3. A child that can independently go to the bathroom. You will never have to waste two more minutes of YOUR time changing a diaper. Hell, you can answer e-mails, take a drink of your coffee, and tweet all while your kid is peeing or taking a poo…IN THE POTTY.

4. You won’t have to search for a baby changing table in every grocery store, restaurant or Starbucks again! Or, for that matter, you won’t have to change your kid’s diaper on the floor of some germ-infested bathroom again (because the facility you are visiting was too cheap to install a damn changing table).

Have I convinced you to come to the other side? If yes, let’s talk Potty Training Boot Camp.

Before I proceed, pull out the booze. Whatever your booze of choice is – make sure you have enough for three straight days. If you don’t drink, God help you.

Potty Training Boot Camp Directions:

1. You will not be going anywhere for 2-3 days. Nowhere. And why would you want to? By the time you’re done you’ll look and smell like you’ve been locked in a Porta Potty for a year.

2. Get a gallon of bleach ready to go (along with rubber gloves, a mop and paper towels).

3. Rip off your child’s diaper.

4. Put the potty out in a visible place. If you haven’t at least introduced the potty to your child, you’re not ready for this. It’s not time for the potty training boot camp. Wait until your kid knows what a potty is. Wait until your child has done either #1 or #2 in the potty a few times.

5. Be prepared for several false alarms. Your kid will tell you they have to go potty. Only, really, you’ll be sitting next to them while they “go” on the potty reading books every 10 minutes.

6. Let your child get wet (and poop) numerous times. It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it. That person is you. No one likes the feeling of being soaked in human waste. No one. Not even your toddler. Let them feel how disgusting it is to pee and poop all over themselves. It sounds barbaric, it sounds extreme! It works.

7. Bribe your child if you have to. I said it. And I don’t care. I bribed my first kid with animal crackers. Every time she peed or pooped in the potty, she got an animal cracker. I’m bribing my 2-year old with Graham Crackers. And the deal is… big sister gets one too if little sister goes on the potty. (The older child will be on your team if you put something in the deal for them. They will be your little one’s biggest cheerleader). So bribe ’em both I say!

8. Do NOT yell at your child for not making it to the potty. This will discourage. Explain to them over and over and over and over (x’s 50 again), that they need to go pee and poop IN THE POTTY.

9. Take a swig sister. Take a gulp daddy. You’re almost there.

So if you’re even thinking that now is the time to potty train your child… what are you waiting for? Do it! The first opportunity you have to lock yourself in the house for 2-3 days, put it on the calendar and let ’er rip. Literally.

Screw the potty training sticker charts, the singing potty (that sings Dora songs as the pee hits the sensor in the potty bowl) and screw the book on potty training at Amazon that you looked up while reading this post.

Go old school. Go for the stinkiest route, with the longest lasting rewards.

And call me to hang out when your cleaning crew leaves on the third day. I’ll be happy chat it up with you about potty training hell. I’ll even help you drink the rest of your booze stash.

Sarah writes at Missguided Mama where gives her kids enough material to write a book about her one day, until then, they’re her material. Find her on Twitter at @missguidedmama.