Self-Esteem and Your Teen

I have yet to figure out exactly when it happens. There is an unidentified moment that a child goes from enjoying life and exploring the world to becoming overtly aware of what others think. It does not happen gradually. It is more of a before and after type of transition; like crossing an imaginary line into a new dimension, with no way to go back.

Some seem to handle it gracefully. Some embrace it and use it to their advantage. Some seem as if they have been preparing for this moment their entire lives, while others seem totally caught off guard by it. Long before the well identified awkward stages of braces, clumsiness, voice changes and growth spurts are the younger moments when no one cared about stick up hair and unmatched clothing. But there comes a time when a child becomes aware, unfortunately.

As a child begins his or her school years, it seems that they become more self-conscious with age, primarily regarding their appearance, but the effects go much deeper that that. Their peers provide the acceptance that becomes the deciding factor on almost every choice they make. Believing in Santa stops once a child has been laughed at for it. Reading is curbed when the athletic kids make fun of someone who is curled up with a book at recess. A favorite cartoon character shirt is tossed aside when it is referred to as “babyish.”

Though not all peer interaction is negative, it is important for parents to recognize the role it plays as their children grow into teens. Perhaps even more important is to understand that all teens experience low self-esteem – even those that mask it by wearing too much make up or by bullying others. The worst athletes want to be like the best athletes. The best athletes are rarely satisfied with their performance, and always hope to do better. The Homecoming Queen never feels beautiful or thin enough, and the Chess Team Captain wishes he could avoid his gym class. No one, at the end of their day of high school, comes out of it saying “I sure feel better about myself today.” It just does not happen.

If you were to question everyone across the country at their ten year high school reunion, regardless of the size of the school or whether it was public or private, everyone would say they felt invisible at some point. They would admit to never completely feeling accepted, even those who graced almost every page of the high school yearbook.

So what is a parent to do? How can we help our teens with this truth?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Prepare them for it. Point out how low self esteem causes characters on television shows to sometimes make the wrong choice. Notice this in movies as well. Remind them how the heroes always learn to stand on their own two feet. Discuss how even adults struggle with self-esteem issues, but the happiest people are the ones who learn to move past it.

2.Surround them with grownups who are supportive, consistent, and never fickle. Their world changes day by day. Help them plug into something deeper than the whims of their current peer group.

3. Help them get their mind off themselves. Low self-esteem is magnified when that is all they have to focus on. Get them in a youth group at church and a service oriented group. Seeing others less fortunate changes their perspective, and working with a group of people is just as beneficial.

4. Point them toward their future. By keeping the bigger picture in mind, they can recognize that these kids will not be moving with them to the next chapter of their lives, and that most likely only a handful of them will remain friends. College and life choices are individual choices and cannot be managed by their peers. The sooner they realize that, the better.

5. Challenge them to watch out for someone needing attention. Make a point each day to look for a new kid or invite someone to sit at their lunch table. It will help them to get past themselves if they are a part of the solution.

6. Understand that they may not feel comfortable discussing these issues with you, because they know what you will say. You will tell them they are wonderful and that you love them. They expect to hear that from you, so it no longer carries much weight. They may withdraw when they are down on themselves, but that is when they need you more than ever.

7. Pray for your kids. They need it, and so do we, as parents. The more they pull away from us, the more we need God to help them to make sense of their world and point them in the right direction.

Janet Morris Grimes is a wife, mother of three, and writer currently working on her first book project.