Photo by: Renée Peterson Trudeau

Relationships Are Hard?

Photo by: Renée Peterson Trudeau

I was nervous about writing this post.

While I’m quite forthcoming and like to “keep it real” when I share about the challenges and ups and downs in my life, talking about my relationship with my husband is very different terrain.

My parents divorced at age 48 after 26 years of marriage and 7 kids. Both sets of my grandparents have been through a divorce, my brother—who I am very close to—divorced after 14 years of marriage. And, the couple I idolized in college also divorced after 20 something years of marriage and 4 kids.

My internal dialogue throughout my twenties and much of my thirties was “Relationships are hard and you don’t really have any great models for how to be in relationship so you’ll probably never be very successful in this area."

Can anyone relate?

A week ago, my husband and I took our first extended trip alone together since our son was born to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. We went to Big Sur, CA and the trip was really phenomenal (you can view our photos here).

The scenery was stunning, but what was most amazing to me during this trip, was my realization of how much I have changed in the last 10 years – around how I view my husband, myself, our partnership and the whole concept of marriage.

One morning we were hiking down a beautiful sandy trail at Andrew Molera State Park on the Central Coast of CA. We were headed towards the ocean and were the only people on a beautiful, quiet, sandy path.

As I often do when hiking in nature and contemplating life, I asked my husband some “thinker” questions about his current life stage. He paused for a while, shared and then I waited a bit to see if he’d reciprocate and ask me the same questions.

He didn’t.

And I was fine. Really, I was quite OK.

Ten years ago, I would have been irritated, hurt and probably angry for hours at his “perceived” insensitivity.

Today, I know three things that changed how I viewed this experience:

1. My beloved is an introvert. He likes to really sit with and chew on things. His internal world is vast, rich and when I throw out an introspective question, he needs time and space to digest it.

2. We don’t need to talk about everything OR go back and forth around a topic to enjoy intimacy. Often our most intimate moments are found in silence.

3. I don’t need my husband to make me feel complete or whole. I know who I am. I am in touch with my needs. And, if something is really important to me, I have no problem bringing it up and exploring it with him. And, he’s always receptive to listening.

I almost felt giddy at this realization as we continued along in silence towards the waves and I let John sit with his thoughts, while I sat with mine. (I did share this ah-ha moment with him later and he felt horrible for not creating more of a dialogue with me until I explained that I wasn’t upset.)

Relationships are hard? Yes, sometimes they are. But how well equipped are we when we show up at the dance? One of my mentors used to say we’re all going to face our same issues over and over again no matter who we’re married to, so just pick your partner and do-si-do!

I’ve noticed as I have become more self-aware, more compassionate, more loving towards myself and more attuned to my needs, my partnership has evolved and shifted.

Showing up in the relationship with a full cup rather than a half-empty one seems to significantly change the dynamics.

I certainly don’t have the answers when it comes to making a marriage work.

I still find that cultivating a deeply, evolved, committed relationship is not for the faint at heart and it takes everything I have to be present with my partner day in, day out. And, it continues to be the single most challenging aspect of my life, hands down!

But I also know it’s worth it. And being in a close, connected partnership where you support and hold the highest and best for each other, has been rewarding beyond compare.

I just read a wonderful new book by relationship therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom called Secrets of Great Marriages. It’s an anthology of personal stories from 27 couples, all of whom have been married for 15 years or longer. One of the insights many couples shared that stayed with me, is the reoccurring theme that one of the best things you can do to deepen and strengthen your marriage is to know and love yourself. And to make sure your needs are met before trying to support your partner.

Sounds like I just might be on the right track. Or at least beginning to create my own model for what a meaningful, healthy relationship feels like to me. I’ll keep you posted.

P.S. If you want to explore this theme some more, I’ve listed a few of my favorite relationship resources at the end of the chapter on Staying Connected to Your Partner in my book The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

Renée Peterson Trudeau is a nationally-recognized career/life balance coach, president of Career Strategists and the author of the award-winning The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate and Re-Balance Your Life. Thousands of women around the U.S./Canada are joining and becoming trained to lead Personal Renewal Groups based on the Guide, as a way to enhance balance and well-being in their lives.

Like This Article

Like Mamapedia

Learn From Moms Like You

Get answers, tips, deals, and amazing advice from other Moms.

45 Comments

this makes me so sad. i told my husband i want a divorce last night

Thank you for your openness and honesty. I have been married for 12 yrs but it has always seemed like a one sided relationship, especially since we now have children. I surely appreciate everyone's input about loving myself and taking care of myself. That is something I simply don't do but will have to start trying. I pour everything I have into my marriage and children and then no one is looking out for me so I feel empty and hollow and severly neglected and unappreciated...

See entire comment

I really needed this this morning. Have been feeling down lately, happens more towards "that time of the month" but have been really feeling bored with my life as mother of two and wife. On top of that have been diagnosed with a few health issues as well, so doesn't help with the feeling down. Anyway, the every day routine gets so mundane and mind numbing, plus I have no help besides my husband who is always at one of his two jobs...

See entire comment

I loved your post, Renee. My husband and i have been married now for 31 years and just sent our youngest off to college. So we are rediscovering ourselves and each other again in a new way at a new stage of life. Yes, relationships take time and loving attention (as opposed to the words "are hard") but the payoff is enormous if you stick with it...

See entire comment

I totally agree and appreciate this. We've been married for 14 yrs, together for 17 and we have our third little one in the oven. I particularly appreciate advise #2. I just realized you don't have to verbally communicate about everything to show that you love or care about one another. These feelings manifest in our actions. Good luck with your marriage and I wish you all the peace and happiness.

V

I liked so much about this post. And agree with most of it. There is something though that stuck out. For me, when I have an epiphany, I let it go, meaning I am so good and clear that there's no residual bit lingering to bring up in conversation. It seems the author is different; as we all are...

See entire comment

I wanted to thank you for your insight. I'm at the new stages of a relationship. I'm glad I ran across this now because to be honest, I asked the same captivating questions and got the same response. I admit, I was irritated that it wasn't reciprocated. However, after hearing your three views, I stopped and reflected. Your husband seems just like mine...introverted and a deep thinker...

See entire comment

I relate very much. Both my husband and mine's parents divorced when we were adults. Marriage/relationships are not easy. However, I do feel that when I took my vows, I made a lifetime commitment. We both go through changes while we are married, but I always remember that while I don't always agree with some of the views that my husband has now, as we both grow and learn-that is okay because number one we are individuals too and I made a lifetime commitment when I got married.

How refreshing. To hear the thoughts and encouragement of women who are truly self aware. Daily I read comments from bitter, angry women who blame their lost relationships - of all things, on other women. As though, their unsuccesfful relationships are not the failings of themselves or their husband even, but some interloper. Are we born with blinders? We can do no evil? We're perfect? Women need to stop looking for excuses and scapegoats. We need to look at ourselves...

See entire comment

I've had many a-ha moments in my 15 year marriage. In fact my husband and I came very close to divorce 3 years ago. Luckily I had an a-ha moment and chose to work only on myself. Today we are happier than we've ever been. In August I decided to start a blog about marriage to share my experiences. You can check it out at www.workonmymarriage.com I hope you enjoy it. Please comment and let me know what you think. :)

Such wonderful insight. I too come from a family of divorce and some were right to happen. I am coming up on our 46th anniversary and we have gone through many chapters and many changes as we age and grow together. The hardest was retirement and having him in my space full time. Like all others we learned to overcome and now love to have him around.I do love it when he goes with the kids and plays golf so I can get a few precious hours of me time...

See entire comment

So...any suggestions what to do when you wake up 25 years into the marriage and realize that you don't know who you are or what you want, you definitely don't want what you have, and you're up to your eyeballs in it: kids, two sets of aging parents to care for, been out of the workforce for years, the works?

"I’ve noticed as I have become more self-aware, more compassionate, more loving towards myself and more attuned to my needs, my partnership has evolved and shifted."

I love this quote and let me tell you that it is an "a-ha moment" for me to read it at a very pivotal time in my own relationship. Thank you for reminding me that to be the best I can be for my children and my husband, I need to be the best I can be for me first.

Jennifer: go get a pedicure. It's a quick easy fix and it will make you feel good about yourself every time you look down ;)

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for just over 1. I am still grappling with the introvert. My first husband flat out ignored me most of the time we were married. Now every time my husband (the new one) "stops talking" I become an emotional basketcase, blaming myself for everything and anything I could have done wrong...

See entire comment

This is a wonderful discussion. My husband & I just hit the 10 year mark and boy have we been through a lot together. His parents are divorced and each remarried, & I was born to a single mother and raised with very few traditional family rolemodels. I was blessed with a wonderful mom and a family that always made me feel loved and cared for. However, one thing that my husband and I have always felt strongly about is the desire to create a marriage upon which a strong family can be built...

See entire comment

Leave a Comment

Required
Required (will not be published)
Required (to prove you're human)
Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on topic and not abusive
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us
Want to become a contributor?
Want to become a contributor?

If you'd like to contribute to the Wisdom of Moms on Mamapedia, please sign up here to learn more: Sign Up

Recent Voices Posts

See all