Princesses Can be Feminists, and Feminists Can be Princesses

From the moment my daughter was born people started telling me, “No princesses! No matter what you do, just don’t do princesses!” I have to admit that that hurt my heart a little because, well, I LOVE the Princesses! I can’t wait to share them with her!

I know, I know, everyone hates the 1950’s princess because the wedding is the ultimate goal. Perhaps I was really dim as a girl- but I never took that away from those stories. The ideologies I took away were: you can travail over extreme obstacles; you can find beauty and friends in odd places; there is evil in the world, and knowing who to trust is important. That optimism and perseverance can pay off. But scoring the man was not the main holdover for me.

Perhaps this came from having a strong single mother. Toilet needs fixing? She did it. Want to rearrange heavy furniture? She’s doing it. I adopted that. It’s hard for me to wait even 10 minutes for help. I will just move that damn couch myself! I tought myself to use power tools so I can do what I want. My daughter will learn that, alongside me, just as I learned it alongside my mother.

By typical definition I am a “girly girl,” and I love that. I love pretty clothes, jewelry, bedding… love it. BRING IT ON! I love looking and feeling like – let’s be honest – an aging Princess. And yes, my wedding was as Princess-y as I could get it. My gown was huge, my tiara glittered. I had one veil for the wedding and one for the reception. The location was as Castle-like as I could find in all of Southern California. But so what? Does that make me less of a feminist?

No. Princess Stephanie rocks the feminism. True feminism is the opportunity for all women to have equal rights and opportunities to do with as THEY choose.

• A stay at home mom who wants to do nothing but be a quiverfull member? I might think you are crazy… but GO YOU!
• No kids, two doctorates in physics and kicking ass at work? That’s way beyond me ..but GO YOU!

Or like most of us, we fall somewhere in the middle. We are stay at home moms who miss work and long for adult conversations and activities that don’t involve Caillou. We are stay at home moms who feel completely fulfilled just as we are. We are working women who want kids but not yet. We are working women who have kids. We are single moms, we are married and child-free by choice. We are ALL women with all choices. That’s feminism. My personal brand of feminism involves creativity, pretty clothes, tiaras, power tools, fighting for reproductive rights, marriage equality, and yes, I hate to break it to you… Princesses.

Sometimes, as a special bedtime treat my mother put on my read-along Cinderella record and we acted out the story. She was Prince Charming, and of course, I was Cinderella. I remember this vividly; one of those childhood memories like a snapshot of happiness. Several decades later I stood in a recording studio with a contract from Disney and narrated that very same book for a new read-along. It was a dream come true. Cinderella. My favorite. I nailed it. It was beautiful. But my voice choked on one sentence, and we had to do several takes. Emotion bubbling to the surface as I spoke, “and they lived happily ever after.”

That moment was a Happily Ever After for me. Perhaps to some, that phrase was the end of the story, but to me it always seemed the beginning of infinite possibilities. My possibility involved a full-circle moment – from listening to the book, to being a part of perhaps some other little girl acting out her story. Perhaps MY little girl acting out her story.

I hope she will know ‘Happily Ever After’ isn’t the end, it’s just the start, or perhaps it’s the middle. Our own lives aren’t over when we get married, why would the Princess’ be? It might be the start of the Princess taking her throne and a new phase of her using her power to effect change in the world. In her world whatever she defines that to be.

I am a feminist wrapped up in Princesses and that’s okay.

So don’t come down on my kid if she likes princesses. Don’t tell her no. Because if she is anything like me, she will kick your ass while wearing that glass slipper.

Stephanie Dulli is a former actress and stand up comic who left Los Angeles for the suburbs of Maryland to raise her three kids with her husband Zach. She is director of the Washington, D.C. Listen to Your Mother Show, she blogs at Stephanie Says, and tweets to stave off Caillou Stockholm Syndrome and also manages to live with her mother in law. That may be her greatest accomplishment to date.