Photo by: Justo's Photography

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

by Jennifer Barr of "Midwest "Momments"
Photo by: Justo's Photography

I was chatting with a friend on Facebook about Tiger Woods. That morning he had his first press conference responding to the news that he was having multiple affairs, and we had tuned in. I was only half-listening – I feel like that is between him, his wife, and God, but I know our society makes it everyone’s business. It did, however, get me to thinking about things.

My friend has had the misfortune to be on the receiving end of a wife who cheated repeatedly which resulted in their divorce. I cannot imagine. But I am surprised that almost everyone I know has had some experience with unfaithfulness. My friend actually cheated on a girlfriend once when he was young. Having a small bit of experience with it, I do see how a crazy drunken fling can happen, or someone can be in a relationship and discover that their true love is another. Especially before marriage. While I don’t condone those actions, I can understand them.

But after marriage? I believe, once you make those vows, they are forever. For better or for worse, for drunk times and for sober, for meeting new people and the grass being greener on the other side. Regardless of what comes into your life, you chose that person and they chose you, and you can’t just change your mind because circumstances change. Disloyalty while single is decidedly sinful, but it becomes an even greater transgression after marriage.

Considering the number of friends I have who have cheated, been cheated on, or have been the third person, I have heard lots of possibilities for the one-time indiscretion. Usually, I could see how they could rationalize their choices. But what is the motivation behind a repeat offender? Are they bored? Does the fear of getting caught excite them? Is monogamy just not their thing? Are they searching for an outlet for fetishes they’re afraid to ask their partners about? Do they feel neglected by their mate? Is, as Tiger claims, sex addiction a real thing, or just a scapegoat for his wrongdoings? I knew a girl who had a long-distance relationship with a guy, and it was just easier to stay his girlfriend, than break up with him. And I think she thought once they were in the same town again, it wouldn’t be an issue, they would just be together. But I struggle with the concept of someone like Tiger and my friend’s wife – people who choose to get married, the ultimate symbol of fidelity – and then have affairs. If you know you aren’t the monogamous type, why put yourself (and your loved one) through that? Why not choose to stay single? Or at the very least, end things after the first transgression?

Another friend suggested that it’s because cheaters are selfish and don’t care about the other person’s feelings as much as they do about their own. To give them a little more credit, maybe they think if they’ve found the right person they can stay settled down. I guess it comes down to the age old question, once a cheater, always a cheater? What do you think?

Jennifer Barr is happily married and living in the ‘burbs with two daughters, 2 1/2 going on 13, and 3 months.

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147 Comments

I have been the one who was cheated on after 7 years of marriage. My ex said I love you every night before we went to bed, and then one day woke up and told me that he never actually loved my and only got married and had a child because that was what he thought he was supposed to be doing at that time in his life...

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If we look at history we find proof that men in power have always made the first move when it comes to cheating . in the field of psychology it is known as Satyriasis(for men)& Nymphomania (for woman) defined as a Sexual addiction or Hypersexuality.it is the nature of the beast(so to speak)that if either party thinks or believes that they can get away with having a fling due to lack of attention on the home front then it is going to happen...

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I am a happily married mother of 2, 2 1/2 yr and 10 mos. My husband and I have absolute trust in each other. We have strong morals and values. My husband comes from a family with the same morals and values as well. Which is why it came as a shock to the family that his brother left his wife of five years...

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Once a cheater, always a cheater? Wow. That makes liars out of a bunch of us.

The constructs of marriage were made for people who died in their 40's. Hiatorically, marriage was created to offer stability to society and to ensure that women would remain property of their husbands.

GENUINE feelings of affection and depth of spirit just don't pop up as easily as - to put it bluntly - hard ons...

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Cheating like any other act is a choice. The majority of humans, not all, make poor choices. There are people who chose to do the right thing ALL the time and there are even more who chose to do what they want to do whether it's right or wrong. The average person is selfish and self centered. Before I go any further, these are just my opinions, don't crucify me. But anyway, cheating is such a selfish act...

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"But after marriage? I believe, once you make those vows, they are forever. For better or for worse, for drunk times and for sober, for meeting new people and the grass being greener on the other side. Regardless of what comes into your life, you chose that person and they chose you, and you can’t just change your mind because circumstances change."

THIS IS SO WELL SAID! I am a wedding planner AND a happily married woman...

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There could be diffrent reasons people cheat so no i don't think once a cheater always a cheater. There could be the kind that cheat because they need attention to feel loved, and then there are the ones that can do it for sexual gratification but either way there has to be something they feel lacking in a relationship that they feel the need to go out and look for it else where. When someone marries you vow thru the good and the bad but sometimes people find themselves forgetting those vows...

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I really believe that if cheating happens there are underlying problems. The truth of it is, is that if two people are ocmmited, in love, in trust, that no person entering that situation can rock it with temptation. We all know our weaknesses, but to allow ourselves to follow them shows there is something lacking on the homefront.

To the woman whose husband feels compelled to cheat... look at what was missing. Let him go. Let be. Better off.

I think we are all capable of cheating given the right circumstances and if there are children involved one mistake can be forgiven, the next time it is over, I would expect my partner to have learned how much I had been hurt and never do it to me again, likewise if it were me then I would not do it again, but..and it is a big but...I would also ask myself if the cheating was a sign of something wrong int he relationship and whether it was worth saving

I don't expect much agreement with what I am going to write, never-the-less, these are my opinions.

It's pretty hard to stay within a social norm that defies our biological hardwiring. Everything about sex in animals is perpetuation of their species during their mating seasons. In the antiquity of our race, human's found pleasure in constant mating because we have a 'season' monthly and the ability for women to have multiple orgasm...

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I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. Every situation is different and no one can say they know what is happening in another couple's relationship. If a person wants to change and takes the steps to do so they will change. Many marriages are stronger after infidelity. It takes work but it can be done.

Tara, I'm in a similar situation. We've been married for 21 yrs & dated for 2 yrs.I recently caught him in what is atleast his 3rd affair, this time with a 20yr old !! I say "Atleast" because if I caught him 3 times, the question is ...how many times sis I NOT catch him ??? Right now it's up in the air if we are going to seperate or not. So, yes, in MANY cases, Once a cheater, always a cheater. It is easier to cheat once you've done it the 1st time.

"I feel like that is between him, his wife, and God, but I know our society makes it everyone’s business."

I believe that that too... except when someone (like Tiger Woods) markets himself as a squeaky clean, upstanding, family man.

Also, if you believe that it's between him, his wife and God; why the blog?

Well, I was one of those women who said, "I would NEVER cheat on my husband, nor THINK about it!" I lived in fear most of my life when it came to the Bible's law against adultery. Living in fear of something bad is going to happen to you; because God is going to get you, is, at least for me, a miserable way to live. Most of the times I was conflicted with some thing or another in my life, because of all the fear I held...

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"I pretty much believe in the once a cheater, always a cheater for the most part. My last husband, it was like he had to cheat. I loved him enough to stay and try to help him, but it just continued. He told other women he loved them and wanted to be with them and that our marriage was over. I have never felt so betrayed. We are seperated right now, but he is trying to prove to me that he can be the husband he is suppose to be. FAITHFUL, HONEST, AND PROVIDE...

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