Photo by: Justo's Photography

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

by Jennifer Barr of "Midwest "Momments"
Photo by: Justo's Photography

I was chatting with a friend on Facebook about Tiger Woods. That morning he had his first press conference responding to the news that he was having multiple affairs, and we had tuned in. I was only half-listening – I feel like that is between him, his wife, and God, but I know our society makes it everyone’s business. It did, however, get me to thinking about things.

My friend has had the misfortune to be on the receiving end of a wife who cheated repeatedly which resulted in their divorce. I cannot imagine. But I am surprised that almost everyone I know has had some experience with unfaithfulness. My friend actually cheated on a girlfriend once when he was young. Having a small bit of experience with it, I do see how a crazy drunken fling can happen, or someone can be in a relationship and discover that their true love is another. Especially before marriage. While I don’t condone those actions, I can understand them.

But after marriage? I believe, once you make those vows, they are forever. For better or for worse, for drunk times and for sober, for meeting new people and the grass being greener on the other side. Regardless of what comes into your life, you chose that person and they chose you, and you can’t just change your mind because circumstances change. Disloyalty while single is decidedly sinful, but it becomes an even greater transgression after marriage.

Considering the number of friends I have who have cheated, been cheated on, or have been the third person, I have heard lots of possibilities for the one-time indiscretion. Usually, I could see how they could rationalize their choices. But what is the motivation behind a repeat offender? Are they bored? Does the fear of getting caught excite them? Is monogamy just not their thing? Are they searching for an outlet for fetishes they’re afraid to ask their partners about? Do they feel neglected by their mate? Is, as Tiger claims, sex addiction a real thing, or just a scapegoat for his wrongdoings? I knew a girl who had a long-distance relationship with a guy, and it was just easier to stay his girlfriend, than break up with him. And I think she thought once they were in the same town again, it wouldn’t be an issue, they would just be together. But I struggle with the concept of someone like Tiger and my friend’s wife – people who choose to get married, the ultimate symbol of fidelity – and then have affairs. If you know you aren’t the monogamous type, why put yourself (and your loved one) through that? Why not choose to stay single? Or at the very least, end things after the first transgression?

Another friend suggested that it’s because cheaters are selfish and don’t care about the other person’s feelings as much as they do about their own. To give them a little more credit, maybe they think if they’ve found the right person they can stay settled down. I guess it comes down to the age old question, once a cheater, always a cheater? What do you think?

Jennifer Barr is happily married and living in the ‘burbs with two daughters, 2 1/2 going on 13, and 3 months.

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147 Comments

I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater. No one has the right to judge someone who is on either end. Every situation is different. I met my husband at a young age and I should have never married him. He was much like my father who was not a good husband and my parents went through a horrible divorce. My husband and I co existed and no longer lived as man and wife. It was the most lonly relationship you could imagine. He was mentally, emotionally and financially abusive...

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First off it isn't true once a cheater always a cheater. There are those who it is a stronger addiction. Most times a person who has an sex addiction has been really wounded in their past. They may not even realize that they are trying to fill the wound. There are many many reasons a person cheats. It is not an excuse by any means at all! But it can help to some degree to understand it. I know what it is like to be cheated on,hurt and emotionally deserted...

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You state that you can see how one time cheaters rationalize their choices but cannot understand repeat offenders. What's the difference really? It's cheating and lying and being unfaithful, the number of times does not matter. If something is wrong in a marriage (and marriages are not perfect things, there are good and bad times for all of us) you have to address that, not go running off to find solace elsewhere...

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I think Amy said it perfectly. People cheat because they want to. I love how so-called experts and people in general consistently rationalize or "explain" why people cheat. At the end of the day they cheated simply because they wanted to. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship so you (and your partner) will ALWAYS have a reason to cheat. There will never be a moment where both of you can look at the other and see absolute perfection. It's not humanly possible...

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I am married almost 23 years and have never cheated. I am pretty sure that my husband has never cheated. However, I agree with the quote posted previously: "Americans are too surprised by infidelity when it happens. I think we go into marriage with perhaps unrealistically high expectations about human nature," said Pamela Druckerman, author of "Lust in Translation". Fidelity for a lifetime is a tall order which is probably not for, I venture to say, most people...

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I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater in that relationship. Everyone I know who has done this, did it in relationships that they should not have been in, yet in relationships with "the right person", they are faithful and honest.

Personally I think sex has become something that people give up much too freely and firmly believe that is why we hear about it so much now. While some people want to shoot down the concept of monogamy, I was raised to believe that sex is something special...

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I am so in awe of Paise's story that I truly forgot the subject matter, I actually had to scroll back to remember, but I first of all was captivated by the subject "ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER" . I really think cheating is about insecurity, ego etc. I have been on both ends , the latter only recently I have been devasated by every man I have been in a relationship with cheating on me ( not to say its alot of men each one was a min...

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I do believe that once a cheater always a cheater unless there is a miraculous miracle from God. In my case my (soon to be ex-)husband was very addicted to sex and when I couldn't give him what he wanted he went looking elsewhere. I think he loved me but the addiction was so strong in his life that it ended up ruining the trust and eventually ruining our marriage...

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I believe that given the right circumstances, someone who has cheated in the past will continue to cheat. I believe in sex addiction and my husband is actually in therapy trying to figure out why he seeks out shady situations. I think that if the person is willing to change it can be done, but they need to acknowledge how they have affected their significant other. My husband cheated on me and we are both in therapy and trying to work things out. So far things are getting better...

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Once a cheater, always a cheater? Who came up with that rule? Forgiveness is a big word and can show action. You have to trust God first, and He will do the rest. It is not an easy task, but it is not impossible. Dream to believe, try it and see if the rule once a cheater, always a cheater fits. Believe in yourself and know that youo have a purpose in life.

Well written article. I think it depends on which situation we're speaking of. Not married or committed and fool around? not cheating~not very nice but not "cheating". Engaged to be married or having already taken the vows and sworn to be faithful in front of God and family? Then it's called Adultery. There are people that cannot be faithful, just can't do it. When life gets tough come people just cannot live up to their word...

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Apologies I think I actually forgot to answer the initial question, I veered off topic. Once a cheater, always a cheater? Who knows? If a person chose to do it once s/he may choose not to do it the next time. But of course they also may choose to go ahead and do it again. There is no "test" or "way to prevent" it. The "non-cheater" just had to decide if the person is worth the risk or not.

I don't know if once a cheater, always a cheater is true or not, nor, frankly, do I care. That's one of the few transgressions wher I accept no apologies and offer no second chances.
If my husband ever decides to cheat on me, then he had better take everything he owns with him when he goes to meet his honey, because the moment I find out about it, the locks will be changed, all his belongings will be on the front lawn, and he will never set foot in my house again.

I think Pamela Druckerman, quoted by Sue above, is an idiot. Why do they let people who know nothing write books? Then others think they are credible. Not true, fidelity has been happening for thousands of years. People can and should be, faithful to each other.

I think that once most people cheat, they have a higher probability of cheating again. My brother spent the first four years of his marriage cheating on his wife, because of what started at a young age as a pornography addiction. By the time he got married, and yes, he truly loves his wife, the pornography was not enough. His job made him travel all the time, and he started hooking up with strangers. When his wife finally found out, he had cheated too many times to count. It was awful...

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