Let's Face It... Santa is One Creepy Mo-Fo
He’s been scaring the bejeezus out of children and small domestic animals for centuries. It’s certainly not difficult to understand the basis of their raw primal TERROR.
He’s a bizarre looking vagrant who pops up once a year, resembling nothing remotely familiar in society. It’s true that he could probably pass for a fuzzy, mutant, garden gnome, but that may not exactly be an asset for him so let’s scratch that and move on.
The BIG guy is larger than life; he’s squishy in a gooey, icky, jelly-filled kinda way, and his choice of clothing resembles nothing from the current era or even past century.
He’s kinda like a cheesy-looking gargantuan stuffed toy that snuck out of the crane game and magically came to life ready to pass judgement on the innocent children of the world.
No wonder kids are terrified. Through their eyes they see Chucky from Child’s Play, except the creepy geriatric version; unruly head of hippy hair, in white with a Duck Dynasty beard and a huge sack of booze.
I’ve also heard he smells like beef and cheese… or worse. ((gasp))
You have to admit, his image is disturbing and creepy in an Adams Family kinda way. Yet, parents everywhere continue to feed their children’s greatest FEARS by unknowingly repeating ritualistic holiday threats.
“Santa’s watching,” “He’s sees EVERYTHING you do,” “He knows when you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake. Oooohhhh… you better watch out!"
That said, I’m pretty certain Santa could (and should) be profiled as creepy stalker. The mixed messages sent by trustworthy adults are absolutely riddled with holes.
“Don’t talk to strangers, unless of course they’re dressed like an oversized garden gnome that escaped from the Home Depot and you want a new Xbox for Christmas… THEN it’s okay, but only during the last two weeks of December.”
How utterly confusing.
He’s like God- the North Pole version, except he morphs into Satan if you’ve been bad, which is precisely why he puts COAL in your Christmas stocking. It’s fuel direct from the furnaces of Hell. Makes perfect sense, as Hell is obviously heated with coal.
I also heard somewhere that if you play the vinyl 45 record of Santa Clause is Coming to Town backwards, it actually sounds like Highway to Hell, which by the way would be an immense improvement.
Just saying.
Not only is the whole Santa thing unsettling, it’s downright unfair to children. It’s virtually impossible for kids to behave all of the time. Even the most well-behaved kids are gonna slip up now and then. Messing up is what kids do best.
It may not even be big slip ups, but to the normally well-behaved kid, something like feeding your vegetables to the dog, peeing with the seat down or calling your baby sister a “poopy head” may be just enough guilt to send you spiraling over the morality cliff straight into a life of Santa-induced therapy.
Seriously… what are we thinking?!?
Gina is an obstetrical RN, blogger, wife and matriarch extraordinaire to four challenging young adults. She’s an active advocate for ADHD, Autistic Spectrum Disorders and Depression. She writes the over-the-top humor blog Extreme Mom for sanity preservation and her own entertainment. She lives in Upstate N.Y. with her family, two dogs and ThatGoddamnedCat. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.
