How to keep your Relationship Intact and Wits About You While Raising Multiples
When I spoke to my girlfriend and editor of the newsletter for a parents of multiples (POM) group in her area about writing for this topic, I was very excited to share my thoughts and hopefully offer some encouragement to my fellow POMs. But two days after I’d agreed, and before I got my first encouraging word on paper it happened. I had a total meltdown.
All I could think was: “I am so not keeping it together!” How could I possibly write as though I know what I’m talking about when I can’t even cope?! Take a deep breath. Count to ten. Breathe again. Everything is going to be all right. My husband is not a three-headed pig; he’s the same supportive wonderful man who has been with me through this whole ordeal. Ok, I’m getting better; more breathing; sigh. I am human again.
After the yelling and tears and irrational arguments, it took me about a nanosecond to be grateful again for my wonderful family. I can offer one simple suggestion to help you do this, too: Stop. And. Think. While you’re stopping and thinking, do one of these things: by no means original ideas and in whatever order makes sense for you. This is the order that made sense for me (at least for this meltdown):
- Forgive yourself and your personal standards.
- Forgive your partner.
- Forgive your children.
- Take joy in the little things.
- Find a way to take a break from being a mom.
One could debate which of these ideas is most difficult, and in practice, I suspect that varies greatly depending on the situation. Most recently for me, I think it was number five that really gave me a run for my money. What I do know is that they are all important in varying degrees on a daily basis. Forgiving oneself is not perhaps the most difficult on the whole, all of us are undoubtedly overachievers and driven to be better than is humanly possible, I think women are pre-programmed for this anyway (call me crazy). I mean who wants to compromise their personal standards right? Do it and do it now!
It is no fun looking at the massive pile of laundry that you’re behind on, or the mound of dishes that are slowly overtaking your counter tops, or especially the little bits of food and sticky things that are accumulating in the general vicinity of where your kids eat every day…but in the grand scheme of things are these tasks really important? Are they more important than you holding on to your patience and sanity? More important than taking the time to get on the floor and play with your kids? Is it more important than having a five minute conversation with your partner to find out how their day went and to share yours with them? More important than an hour nap to rejuvenate?
In case you’re hesitating, let me help. No. No they are not. Nonsense you say? Think again. Life is short. If you can’t hire a cleaning lady, call your mother/mother-in-law. If you can’t call a relative, do it tomorrow or even the next day. Hold out until it has to be done sometimes. It’s just worth it occasionally to have double the work another day.
Give yourself a temporary reprieve. Stop. And. Think. Forgiving your partner or your children can also be an extreme challenge in that you usually find yourself battling this demon in the heat of some very annoying moment or argument. Yes, making sure a meal is ready for your hungry kids is critical, but you can put it down (boiling pasta and all) for a few minutes to pay attention to them instead. In my experience, they often would rather have your attention than your food anyway (within reasonable limits of course). And really, so what if Dad doesn’t clean the table or the kitchen the way you would? He still does a boatload of the heavy lifting, thereby saving you from doing it. You can re-wipe the counters later! Just stop and think about this the next time you’re about to explode.
And in those moments where you’re not about to lose your cool or your mind, you might actually notice how great your kids are. How that first little 3 word sentence just bowls you over, or how they hug each other when they get up from a nap, or how they manage to do the most creative things with food in order to get it from their plate to their mouth. Such simple little acts, yet so joyous to watch little minds develop day by day. These are the little moments of joy. Notice them. Treasure them. Stop and think about them in the moments where you want to go to bed, pull the covers over your head and cry. Remember, it isn’t all bad—or even close.
And finally, last but most certainly not least, remember that you are not just a mom but also a very cool human being and a woman. Take the time to remind yourself about this-whether that means a hot shower, a manicure, a dinner out or a weekend away from everything. You are still that cool, hip, smart, funny individual that you used to be before you were buried in dirty diapers and baby food. It is possible to have a conversation about something other than your kids! When that person resurfaces, you will find that you feel stronger, better, faster (giggle) and more able to tackle your day to day world. Keep in mind, you are an amazing mom/person on a regular basis and you will be again tomorrow, too, you just need to remind yourself of this. And remember, when all else fails: Stop. And. Think.
Penelope and Super Dad Cam have identical twin girls, Abigail and Emma who are 21 and half months old, as well as 4 month old daughter Madeleine. The twins are very busy and often challenging but bright and loving and a joy to be around most of the time. Baby Madeleine is dying to eat the same foods as her sisters as well as run and play with them. She has a magical smile and a very cute little squeak when she wants attention. Mom Penelope stays at home with the girls for now, but her other job (when she ever gets back to it) is HR management. Dad Cam is a product guru at a small kiosk software shop. At any given time the household is a happy one, full of busy but usually giggling girls.
