I Want, I Want, I Want...

‘Why is he screaming so bloody loud?’

The Irish one is finally home from work and I feel like hurling myself on to the floor and licking his £12.99 Reebok specials in appreciation.

“He wants me to jump out of the window like next door’s cat did,” I howl over the tantrum taking place beneath me; dodging kicks, smacks and tiny claws trying to scratch the skin off my ankles.

‘And because I don’t want to, clearly I am being very unreasonable and selfish!’

The Irish one smiles at me indulgently, and I feel like smacking him around the face.

“He has been making ridiculous requests all bloody day! And when I won’t, for example, let him throw potatoes at the dog at full force, he throws an absolute wobbler!!”

He throws me an, ‘Alright, calm down, he’s only a 2 year-old’ look, and gets down on to his knees to address the feral beast my child has evolved into.

“Addison, Mummy can’t jump out of the window, baby. Mummy needs her legs not to be broken today. Come on now, stop crying, I know it would be funny to see mummy plunge to her death from the window, but we don’t always get what we want, calm down now.”

“But I asked nicely!” Addison responds before pounding the floor and shaking his fists again at the unfairness of the world.

Much later, after I had jumped out of the window (willingly) and he was in bed, it got me thinking. He did ask me to break both of my legs for his entertainment, very politely.

Hmmm…2 year olds, or at least mine, see the world in black and white. They do not see anything wrong in asking for what they want. They do not feel shame, or guilt, or fear of judgment, or anxiety over feeling silly for asking; they simply ask, and sometimes they get what they want, and at other times they have a tantrum.

So simple right?

‘What do you want Lexy?’ A common question Jamie asks me in therapy. A question I never answer truthfully. Through the tears and the shame, I usually sniffle out that I don’t know.

And sometimes I don’t.

But sometimes, what I want, is so meticulously buried below a layered trifle of negative, self depreciating emotions, I wouldn’t be able to ask even if I did know.

So, with this in mind, I am going to try really hard to take a leaf out of Addison’s book. I’m going to ask for what I want.

I am going to ignore the shame, push the guilt over being selfish away, snub the embarrassment over how petty I may be when others have real problems, blank the potential judgment that I may be shallow in asking for some stuff, and mostly stamp out the fear of asking.

I am going to damn well ask. And if I don’t get the things I want? Well then, I may have a tantrum or I may just feel better for getting it off my chest. SO here goes…

I want…

• A chance to sleep in without being woken up by feelings of guilt and anxiety that there aren’t enough hours in the day and that I should be up cleaning, playing, washing, working…
• A 22 inch waist with no stretch marks, just so I can wander around Selfridges in a crop top eating a huge piece of almond and chocolate cake while shooting superior looks to all the snotty sales girls who think that they are better than everyone just because they are tall and thin. (You are 19! Wait till you have kids!!!)
• I want to never have suffered with depression, no overwhelming sadness, no constant anxiety, no relentless intrusive thoughts, and I want for all depression sufferers in the world to be legally allowed to head butt non-sufferers when they mistakenly offer friendly advice such as, ‘Just smile more.”
• My boobs to be bouncy and full of life again, instead of hanging from my chest like two used condoms off a coat hanger.
• Free Starbucks all of the time.
• A Star Trek transporter door thing, so I could say, “Addy where do you want to go today?” and I wouldn’t have worry about paying for petrol.
• More cuddles off my other half that don’t necessarily lead to something else. I just want a cuddle, for the love of God.
• Someone to buy my flat so we can live somewhere with more space and POSSIBLY think about having more children without having to worry about where we will all fit.
• Consistent support from those around me, and not to feel like a victim and hate it when I need help.
• A week or two on Necker island with my boys, including Doodle the poodle, so we can experience luxury and create family memories.
• Calorie free square crisps.
• To fly first class somewhere on a Monday morning, just once, just to see what it is like. With champagne, and paparazzi chasing me; looking fabulous, instead of heading to work looking like something the dog just sicked up.
• My best friend to not live hours and hours and hours away, but to move in to my castle, which also has a Starbucks in it and a heated pool and a sexy lifeguard who only has eyes for me, but I am not interested.
• My little boy to eat properly and not be frightened of food. For my little boy never ever to get poorly again, and have an amazing healthy life where all his dreams are fulfilled.
• For there to be no stigma attached to poor mental health.
• To go skiing, the way it used to be, just one more time.
• To be able to sing like an angel. To hit the high notes and the low ones when I am feeling like a rock star in the car, instead of feeling like a rock star, but sounding like someone is giving a cat a lobotomy.
• My big brother not to be dead. For it to have been a massive and unfunny practical joke. For him to walk back into my life and apologise for such cruelty, while I instantly forgive him and cry with relief, hug him and spend all night laughing and joking, and most importantly, living with him.
• To have endless patience to deal with my 2 year-old’s tantrums and to never forget that I love him more than myself, and that he has saved my life on more than one occasion. And that his smile lights up my heart, my soul and my life like a torch shining in a dark room.
• To tell my son I love him, every day.
• To never forget that thinking of myself doesn’t make me selfish; that occasionally lusting after material things doesn’t make me materialistic; that expressing an emotion doesn’t make me a drama queen; and that no matter how many times a day I tell myself the opposite, I am, in fact, worth something.
• To have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to fight for the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

And that is it.

I do kind of feel better, and that was fun!!! What about you? I am nosy, I want to know what you would tantrum for, or maybe just ask for?

What would you ask for if you could see life like a two year-old, and there were no limitations? No anxiety over coming across shallow? No consequences? No fear?

The floor is yours…

Mammy’s Rules:
No one can make you feel inadequate unless you let them.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
You do not have to be blood related to be family.
If you have nothing nice to say, see a therapist.
How people treat you is their Karma, how you react is yours.

Call if you need me.
Mammy Woo