How to Stay Married According to the Internet

There are so, so, so many marital advice columns out there, I know it can be hard to keep up. In case you missed one, I’ve curated a list of the best pieces of marriage advice I’ve found on the interwebs. Make sure to follow each and every one exactly as they are written. Trust me, if you violate even a single one of these rules, your marriage is on the fast track for divorce court.

Sexy Time

1. A marriage built on sex alone won’t last, so don’t make the mistake of setting sex as the centerpoint of your marriage.
2. Have sex with your partner every day. If you don’t have mind-blowing sex constantly, your marriage is failing. There are no excuses.

When You Don’t See Eye to Eye

1. Clear and open communication is critical and you should never raise your voice in anger.
2. A good shouting matching is sometimes just the thing to get things off your chest and clear the air.
3. Have loads of make-up sex.
4. Don’t use sex as a tool to end all arguments.

Having Children

1. Don’t have kids because they can be an added stress on a marriage.
2. Have kids as quickly as possible. Seeing your partner holding your newborn cements a marriage.
3. Don’t put your spouse ahead of your children.
4. Don’t put your children ahead of your spouse.

Honesty Is The Best Policy

1. Always be honest with your spouse.
2. If your spouse asks how they look, be truthful.
3. Never say anything negative to your spouse.
4. Don’t tell your spouse everything. Leave a little mystery to keep things exciting.
5. Never keep things from your spouse.

Financial Matters

1. Get rid of his & her bank accounts. You’re a family and your money should all be in the same place.
2. Set some money aside to do something nice for yourself. You don’t want to have to always ask for permission.
3. All decisions about how to spend money should be made as a team. Never spend money without asking your partner first.

Accept One Another For Who You Are

1. Don’t try and change your spouse.
2. Learn to adapt yourself so that you can better meet your spouse’s needs.
3. Let your spouse know what they can do differently to make your life better/easier.
4. Accept your partner for exactly who they are.
5. Real marital pleasure comes just from sitting next to the person you love.
6. The true secret to a long and happy marriage is learning to give each other space to do the things you each really love to do.

If you’re having trouble in your marriage, just follow the above advice exactly as written and your problem should be cleared up in no time. YOU’RE WELCOME!

What do you think? Did I miss any?

And, does anyone know a good divorce attorney? #AskingForAFriend

Lynn Morrison is a smart-ass American raising two prim princesses with her obnoxiously skinny Italian husband in Oxford, England. If you’ve ever hidden pizza boxes at the bottom of the trash or worn maternity pants when not pregnant, chances are you’ll like her blog The Nomad Mom Diary. You can also find Lynn over on Facebook, Twitter and in the awesome new book ‘I Just Want to Be Alone’.