How to Handle the Emotions of Children

We’ve got a screamer. And a door slammer.

It has nothing to do with Charis entering into her emotional roller coaster of pre-teen and teen years. She was this intense at two. Still in a diaper, she would scream fire at me and race to the nearest bedroom and slam the door with a force beyond her years simply because she felt cookies were a reasonable dinner.

Once we were at a park play date with some new friends: you know, the “new” where you’re the perfect mother and so are your kids. That kind of “new”. All went well until it was time to leave. The other moms gathered their chubby toddlers while I chased mine down. After several minutes of struggling with my firecracker, she exploded. I didn’t know how to tame her, but I was not about to tolerate this kind of temper tantrum. I threatened, I scolded, I took her to the bathroom and spanked her bottom. Rage oozed from every pore of her body. Nothing I did would make her stop. The other mom (my ride) went to the van, probably to give her kids Goldfish crackers and sing, “The Wheels on the Bus”, while I wrestled a demon in the bathroom. Finally, exhausted and defeated, I let her go and she raged while I stood there ashamed and angry. After several minutes, Charis and I walked to our waiting ride, red-faced and swollen eyes.

And this is how the first six years of her life went — her feeling, and me punishing her for it.

Enter nearly two years of therapy (for me). I discovered in that safe place that emotions are a wonderful gift that make us human. I learned that feelings can be trusted, because they are the window to my heart. They’re weather vanes that need to be heeded and honored, because they’re indicators the storm brewing inside.

I learned to trust myself, and not make excuses or worry about what others would think about how I felt. I stopped telling myself, There’s no reason I should be angry. It’s not that big of a deal. I stopped stuffing and no matter how insignificant, inappropriate or out of context my emotions were, I felt them, and I felt them fully. At first, I didn’t know how to do this so all I could do was announce to the universe (or Matt or whoever was near), “I am feeling angry right now! And that’s ok! You hear me?? I’M ANGRY!” And guess what? I was ok!

I cried overwhelmed with joy when Matt surprised me with a book. I got angry when Matt simply said he didn’t like something I wrote. I let myself feel, and then I paid attention to what triggered that emotion. When Matt surprised me with a book, I was overjoyed because in that moment I knew I was appreciated and honored. When I was angry at Matt for critiquing my writing, I discovered my deep insecurity that I’m not enough. The emotions were my gift to discover what is going on inside of me.

What used to take weeks for me to quietly stew over was here and gone within minutes. I can remember sitting there in awe after a robust fight with Matt and not being angry anymore. I can remember trying to stay angry, and couldn’t I felt the feeling and I was ready to move on. Such a strange/liberating moment.

That’s when it dawned on me what I was doing to our children. Every time I shut down Charis’s emotional display, every time I told her that she was acting ridiculous, every time I punished her for responding to feelings, I was telling her she can’t be trusted and that what feels is wrong.

I was teaching my daughter to hide herself inside. I was giving her the gift of self-hate.

We’ve made a few changes in our parenting these past couple of years. We are letting our kids feel whatever they feel. We’re careful not to belittle or scoff the tears over the death of the 14 roly-polys who’d been living in a shoebox under their bed since May. We give them permission to grieve when they lose a McDonald’s Happy Meal Toy. Then comes the movie Inside Out (Thank you forever, Disney!). Now our goal as parents is to teach our children to honor what they feel.

When it comes to working though anger the boundary we set is: you have a right to feel whatever you feel, but you will be punished if you hurt someone else or if you break something. You wanna scream? Scream in your room. You wanna kick? Kick the floor. You wanna slam a door? Slam it. You have the right to express how you feel.

We say things like, “I validate your feelings. You have a right to be angry right now.”

Who am I kidding? It’s more like standing in the charred kitchen of Charis’s fiery outburst… I yell after her, “BE MAD! THAT’S FINE! BUT YOU’RE STILL NOT EATING COOKIES FOR DINNER!”

SLAM!

Ya know, it’s working for us. I’m sure Charis’s therapist will help her recover from it someday.

Charity shares her messy imperfect life at The Wounded Dove. She has four young kids who inspire her to be a #GoodEnoughMom. In 2013, Charity watched her marriage be restored, but not before she walked the journey to personal freedom.