How Authentic is Your Life? 5 Key Steps to Living Life on Your Own Terms

Here are 5 tips that anyone can utilize to fully embrace who they are, no matter what their past or present looks like.

1. MAKE PEACE WITH THE PAST

Explore where you have been and how the good and the bad has shaped and contributed to the person you are today. I came from being raised in a home where there was no structure, no family time, and no supervision. From this reality, I learned to fend for myself and from this position, I made my own decisions without the influence of what others might think. It was based on my survival and results-oriented. This orientation instilled in me a belief that it was all up to me, and that I could do anything I set my mind too, whether that was being a single mother, going back to school while I had young children to support, or whatever I needed to do. When I became a parent, I committed myself to doing all that I could to create an environment where accountability for family was a priority. I set time for family dinners, rules about when and where my children could go and when they were expected to be back…I don’t know that I would’ve been as strict and as dedicated to giving them a solid foundation if I hadn’t been craving that myself since I was a child.

2. NOTICE HOW YOU PLAY IT SMALL, WHEN YOUR DREAM IS BIG

Most of us can relate to that scared, little child inside that wants to be safe. I learned to be safe by becoming a warrior. Dreaming big was often how I survived in the midst of a harsh reality. However, I had a limited skill set to achieve those dreams. When I was a 19-year-old single parent with a 7th grade education, I was told a professional life was beyond my grasp and when I had my second child, I was told that welfare would be my way of life. If I had not refused to believe it, I’d never be sitting here today, having had a story of transcending my circumstances…instead, I went to night school, held down 2 jobs at a time, and slowly kept my dream alive, going on to make a successful 20-year career in law enforcement…how many former prostitutes do you know who dream big of working as a parole officer but that was me being authentic to what I wanted to do and refusing to play it small.

As a child, I was never told not to make a ruckus so for me, dreaming big had few limitations. In adulthood, we often find that redefining “us” means to change what others have told us we could or couldn’t do.

Like many, the need for safety and security was something I longed for. I looked for it in relationships. It wasn’t until I reached the halfway point in life that I realized security and safety came from a place within.

3. BE AUTHENTIC WITH EVERYONE

After achieving the sought-after family life, white-picket-fence existence and becoming a professional in law enforcement, I was still hiding my past from most everyone who knew me in my current life. Then out of the blue, my history as a teenage prostitute surfaced at my job and challenged all that I had built as a successful educated professional. From that experience, I learned that I would never again go into another situation shameful and trying to hide my past. I was proud of what I learned in my past because it was a resource that gave me skills in my job of law enforcement to do a job well with empathy, understanding and tough love at the forefront.

4. CELEBRATE YOUR UNIQUENESS

My life experience actually honed in me the ability to feel the pain of others. In moving through the discomfort of my earlier life experience being raped and beaten I came to understand that unpleasant events happen to good people and that people who make mistakes, poor choices, need not be the sum of these mistakes. As a result, I forgave myself and others for the events I encountered early in life. I became comfortable with my own pain. Today, I can comfortably experience the pain of other people’s ridicule, without shutting down or needing to fix it. In working with criminal offenders in dark places, I was comfortable exploring with them those circumstances that infused their sense of limitation, because I had been there.

5. PREPARE FOR AUTHENTIC BACKLASH

Some people who are uncomfortable being authentic themselves will be your strongest critics when you step up to live 100% on your terms…you will push their buttons and the reactions may not be pretty. After the experience of earning my degree, becoming a seasoned professional and developing a work ethic worthy of praise, it almost all came crashing down when my colleagues found out about my past. They were torn about their association with me…Would they align themselves to the stories of an unpalatable past or see the professional woman that stood before them?? I had fought bureaucracy and won. Yet, I only won the fight not the respect that would have to be re-earned. In those next several years of earning what I had lost, there were many days of lunching on my own. I kept my head up as I entered the courtroom and took my seat at the prosecutor’s table—knowing that although professional respect was present so was a moral, unspoken question about where I had once been. I maintained who I was today. I made no excuses or attempts to explain away the events of long ago. I stood firmly in the truth of who I had worked to become.

Know that you might lose false friendships along the way to owning your power as only you can—but you will gain like-minded travelers who value the real you.

Patricia Bonelli retired after 20 years in Law Enforcement and wrote her inspirational true story of courage and redemption, Owning Patricia: A Story of Breaking Free. The book tells the story of her life as a teenage prostitute and single mother, to her triumph over adversity, and how she forged a successful career.

In 1998, Bonelli became a certified Life Coach, Mentor, and Motivational Speaker. Bonelli believes it is possible to overcome any hurdle in life by combining faith and optimism. She has appeared on numerous radio and TV shows around the country.

Editor’s note: Leave your comments below and you could be a lucky winner of Patricia’s book Owning Patricia: a Story of Breaking Free.