He Loves Us
The spotting turned red around 1AM. I had a mild cramp and passed two tiny clots. I went to bed, and tried to lie very still in the hopes that maybe I had just overdone it this weekend. Maybe if I just rested, the baby could hold on.
As I fell asleep, the chorus from David Crowder Band’s song, “He Loves Us” ran through my head. We sang it in church yesterday, “Oh, how He loves us so. Oh, how He loves us. Oh, how He loves us.”
S came to our room around 6:30AM. I told her it was too early to get up, and she could snuggle with me or go back to her bed. She crawled under the covers, and we laid on our sides facing each other. She wrapped her tiny arm and leg around me, because she wanted to “snuggle with the baby.” She cooed at my belly and told it how much Big Sister loved it. It took all my strength to hold back the tears.
“You would have been so loved,” I thought to myself. I dropped the girls off at my parents’ house, and called the OB’s office on my way to work. After I told them what was going on, they told me to come right in.
As I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, I focused on those lyrics. I’d been hearing them every waking moment this morning. It was a great comfort.
The OB came in and started the sonogram. As soon as the image appeared, it verified what I already knew in my soul. My perfect bean-shaped baby was nestled in its little home. Motionless. There was no heartbeat.
Tears were already sliding down my temple into my ears when the doctor spoke the words. She let me know my options then gave me some time to call my husband and get dressed and cry.
I decided to let the miscarriage just happen on its own. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to tell S. It will break her heart.
Jennifer Barr is a working (for the moment) mom to two amazing girls who are 4 and 2, and a blessed baby in heaven. She and her incredible husband enjoy life in the ’burbs. She blogs at Midwest MomMents.
