Good Parenting is Sexy
Imagine your romantic ideal. Go ahead, try it. Imagine what that person looks like; imagine a person so physically attractive you almost swoon, someone oozing sex appeal, whatever it means to you. Now imagine that person being not so nice to a baby or child. Suddenly the romantic ideal isn’t so sexy, is it? Suddenly it’s just a good-looking person, not necessarily a wholly attractive one, or even remotely attractive in some cases.
It’s What’s on the Inside
What is really attractive about these parents is their parenting. Their attentive and engaged parenting is what makes them beautiful, the way they unashamedly give themselves to their children. It even makes them sexy. Yes, good parenting is sexy. It really and truly is. Give me a balding, slightly overweight good dad over a magazine-cover misogynist any day of the week. Better yet, give me my own husband—a truly great dad.
Who Comes First?
At a wedding rehearsal once, the wise pastor leading the ceremony spoke of loyalties. He said that until the marriage vow is made, one’s loyalties are with one’s parents. But the moment the marriage vows are made, the loyalties are to the spouse first and to the children of that union second. For years, I thought about those remarks in terms of spousal
and in-law relationships, which is all good and well. But as soon as I had a child of my own, I wondered how to achieve that goal of spouse loyalty first when we had a helpless creature totally dependent on me. Didn’t I need to put this baby first, at least for a while? It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to prioritize a healthy and capable adult above a vulnerable, helpless infant. So don’t. That’s where the difference between loyalties and priorities comes
in.
Loyalties Versus Priorities
Loyalty is faithfulness, constancy, devotion. Loyalty is more a sentiment. Sometimes it’s an action, too, but it’s an emotional feeling of commitment to your partner and the family you are building together. Priority is almost all action, however. It’s doing what needs to be done in the order in which it needs to be done. You can be completely loyal to your partner while putting your baby first in the physical priority line much of the time. In fact, you are being loyal to your partner when you do so. By being an attentive and responsive mother, you are showing your commitment
to the family you and your partner have chosen to build.
Start Dating Again
As the weeks and months of a baby’s life pass, hopefully the routine becomes more and more predictable. You may long for your old life, the time when you and your partner could eat an entire dinner without an urgent vocal interruption or didn’t have to eat in shifts, one eating while the other held the baby. You may start to think about a way to make it happen again. This is a good urge, a normal urge. Go for it! Depending on your familial support or babysitter situation, you may be able to create just this opportunity. Your baby will survive a short stretch without you. You may be able to time the outing so you don’t even miss a feeding if you are breastfeeding! Even if it’s just an hour for you and your partner to have an ice cream together, do it.
Building Family Time
Along with maintaining your romantic relationship, building the whole family dynamic is important, too. Even with a small baby, you can start to create times and events that will provide a framework for family focused time for years to come. Being a parent as well as a partner is a learning curve for both of you. A baby changes everything, and you both need to learn to give and receive love in different ways with this new baby in the house. Some days, it will all seem to flow naturally and other days will feel harder. Whenever you doubt how it’s going, watch your partner as a parent. Watch them—catch them—being more tender and loving than you ever knew possible. Your partner was never sexier.
Jen Klein is a mother of two boys and a girl, the youngest of whom just started kindergarten. After earning a thoroughly useful degree in art history and studio art, she writes technical documentation. But in her primary job as mom, she’s dealt with nearly every parenting scenario imaginable, and appreciated every slobbery toddler kiss along the way.
Excerpted from SheKnows.com Presents: The Mommy Files, Copyright © 2010, F+W Media, Inc. Used by permission of Adams Media, an F+W Media, Inc. Co. All rights reserved.
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