Broken Food
Adults: This post is for you, so please put down the cup you’re rinsing and try to focus. Since you’re the president of the world and need to check your cell phone screen often for updates on science, place your mobile device somewhere off limits, like the park these days.
Even though the grocery store is bursting with options, one of the main toddler complaints I keep hearing has to do with broken food. Adults, you don’t look cute or smart when you hand your child broken anything. You come off as rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday, my mama handed me 1/3 of a granola bar and several lights went out in my head. I cried on and off for thirty minutes. Today is for healing. It is common knowledge that eating broken food leads to a rapid loss of life-force, not to mention it tastes different/awful.
The molecules in, say, a heart healthy chocolate chip cookie, are designed to be consumed in round form. When you serve it in a broken half moon, the elementary particles hurt your toddler’s brain and feelings. Do you want that to happen or do you strive to be a loving person?
Maybe it will help to think about why you decided to become a parent. Most likely you were bored and looking for someone to serve. Now that you have the opportunity to make your life mean something, do your best. Wake up with a smile on your face and say this fourteen times, “Broken food is disgusting, when I serve it I look a little ugly.”
Those of you who operate cracker factories have the responsibility to innovate until proper packaging is developed that can preserve the integrity of each individual cracker. Half the product in those boxes has to be thrown out due to chipped edges and premature crumbification. Especially Ritz, which are apparently made with air vapor, and therefore cannot be enjoyed in a ziploc bag for long before converting into stovetop stuffing mix.
I find it very curious that bottles of wine are always stored impeccably. When it comes to beverages, you adults seem to know just what to do.
Crackers aren’t the only foods that are prone to breakage. Pieces of fruit, bread, even rice, can be too broken for consumption. Trying to manually put a crust corner back on a piece of toast or conceal brokenness in other poorly thought out ways is embarrassing for both parties.
Broken rice is called couscous in some circles, and will devastate your family. Please go ahead and serve it if you don’t care about anyone but yourself. That’s fine.
You might be asking yourself, “What do I do with all of this broken food?” First, blame yourself. After that, you have two simple choices. Either eat it in private or throw it away. Just because your toddler may or may not have eaten trash in the past, doesn’t mean he or she is an actual trash can.
The next time your toddler expresses a bit of upset over being handed something broken, stifle your laughter, calm your tantrum and be professional. Customer service isn’t for everyone, but maintain a teachable spirit and you should be fine.
The Honest Toddler wishes to remain ‘under cover’ with his/her identity. If you were, are, or going to be, the parent of a toddler, I suggest you check out this blog. It is laugh out loud funny. The Honest Toddler
Editor’s note: Even though my girls are teens now, I still remember their refusal to eat saltines with three corners; pizza slices that did not come to a point; or carrots cut in the wrong direction (horizontally, rather than vertically).
Just for fun, do you have one to add to the list?
