Why Adult Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends"

When I was a teen and in my 20s, I had a few close guy friends. Had you asked me then if men and women could be friends, I would not have hesitated to answer: abso-f#@king-lutely! After all, those were the days when we thrived on complication. It was the time to blur those lines, to dive into the unknown and to entertain the what ifs and why nots as we so fancied. Those blurry-lined friendships were a rite of passage. They educated us on the kinds of relationships we’d have throughout our lives.

Looking back, there were catagories for these types of male/female friendships:

• The “Just Friends” Friend: You know the ones. You’d spend hours on the phone or hanging out talking about whatever. You may have even messed around once or twice just to test the waters, but nothing serious. You were never “a couple”, always “just friends” with a few elements of couplehood thrown in there. But when one of you was in a relationship, things got a little weird, but you still remained friends.

• The “It’s Complicated” Friend: Male/female friendships might have appeared simple back then, but chances are they weren’t. One side always wanted more while the other likely relished in the adoration. Typically, one of the two was “keeping their options open” without giving up the attention, while the other kept hoping that one day they’d be more than friends.

• The “Socially United” Friend: Now don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of friendships that didn’t have the above mentioned elements, but they were more social unions within groups. These male/female relationships were not complicated at all. They consisted of fun times in social settings. They didn’t extend to late-night phone calls nor did they consist of any soul-revealing conversations or one-on-one “just friends” time together, which is why they remained uncomplicated… but also, were you really friends?

Now that I’m older and married, I have only one true male friendship, my husband, because I honestly believe that men and women cannot just be friends; not close ones, anyway. Of course I have some male “friends” – they are the “Socially United” kind. There are no private text messages and deep conversations. These men are my husband’s friends or my girlfriends’ partners. These friendships aren’t even remotely complicated, but then again, are we really friends or just friends of convenience?

Do you disagree? Perhaps you’re sitting there rolling your eyes thinking: who is this narrow-minded idiot? Maybe you have a more open approach to relationships and boast a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex (who isn’t gay) that totally disputes my point-of-view. If this is the case, I really would love to hear what you have to say. But before you comment, please have another quick read of “It’s Complicated” to ensure that your friendship doesn’t, in fact, fall into one of the described scenarios. It’s easy to justify a friendship where you’re the one being adored. And also consider if you’re a part of another doomed formula like, you-used-to-be-a-couple-but-now-you-are-friends, for example. I just don’t believe that a close friendship, within those circumstances, can be a genuinely platonic and positive experience for everyone involved.

Are you starting to see my point-of-view yet? If your friendship does happen to slide into one of the above scenarios, and you are in a long-term relationship, be honest with yourself. What is the point of your friendship? Where is it heading? And wouldn’t your time and energy be better spent within your own intimate relationship?

Life can be complicated enough, so when it comes to the topic of male/female friendships, I choose simplicity. If you’ve been in my heart or my pants (or you’d like to be) then you shouldn’t be in my life or even on my Facebook for that matter.

So go ahead- de-clutter! Purge those uneasily defined friendships from your life and then head over to your Facebook and your Twitter and do a quick, well intentioned, cleansing there too. Unblur those lines. And just love the one you’re with.

Shannon Day is wife to one gorgeous, yet slightly overbearing Brit, and mom to three little ladies. Once a teacher, now a story maker and occasional cocktail shaker, she shares her tales, martini recipes and her shenanigans over at Martinis & Motherhood. Shannon is a regular contributor for BLUNTmoms and is co-founder of Tipsy Squirrel Press. You can also find her on Scary Mommy, Mamalode, Facebook, and Twitter.