Before I Can Accept the Life I Have...

My life is good. Better than most I imagine. I have two smart kids. I have a husband who works hard. We have a roof over our heads and too many fruit snacks in our pantry. It’s a good life. But sometimes…

Sometimes I miss the life I never had. Oh I know that sounds silly. How can I miss something I never had in the first place? That is an excellent question.

In the stillness of night when my kids are theoretically asleep and it’s just me lying in bed, waiting for sleep to take me over, I find myself longing for the life I wanted so many years ago.

There are many things I wish I had done before getting married and having kids. In my younger days, I wanted to be a country music songwriter. I wrote poetry and later song lyrics. I learned to play a little guitar. I used to dream about moving to Nashville after high school and making it big.

Of course that never happened. Fear of the unknown, an inability to drive, (how would I even get to Nashville?) lack of funds and proper planning made that dream remain a dream.

Most recently I’ve found camaraderie with the books of Amy Poehler and Mindy Kaling among others. I hear their stories about moving to L.A. and New York and Chicago and I think, Damn. I wish I had done that. I can see myself as a comedy sketch writer or writing for an NBC hit comedy or something.

But that’s a life I’ll never live.

I’m a work-from-home mom to two toddlers and that is my life. I can’t save up and move to New York if I wanted to. My responsibilities are here. They wake me up at two in the morning because their leg hurts and they need me to kiss it before heading back to bed. They hang on my legs and demand to play a game when I’m trying to make dinner. They laugh and run and talk and they are so, so wonderful.

I love my life. It’s a good life. But sometimes I want more. I want the life I never had the chance to have. And I’m not blaming my children. If there’s anyone to blame it’s me for not going after those things, but I don’t believe in blame.

I do believe in grief, though. And I think sometimes it’s healthy and necessary to make peace with the fact that my life has taken a course I never planned, and to be sad about that. Being sad about the life I never had doesn’t nullify what I do have. Indeed I believe that once I process through this grief I’ll become more appreciative of the my life now. But I need closure. With closure comes acceptance and with acceptance comes freedom and joy.

And one day I will feel that joy. For now, though, I’ll daydream a bit about how I’d decorate the small New York apartment I’ll never have.

Toni Hammer is a freelance writer, editor, and mother of two who just signed her first book contract. She chronicles her mommy misadventures at Is It Bedtime Yet?, and drowns her mommy guilt in copious amounts of coffee and Diet Coke. You can find her trying to be funny on Facebook and Twitter.