The few times I 've used spanking as a method of discipline has been the hand. A slipper sounds silly. I would be afraid that a paddle would be too harsh meaning sometimes you don’t realize the force you have with an object.
ETA: This is in response to your SWH, mind your own business. If there is bruising, thats another story.
Sorry but your post is quite stupid. That’s like saying my friends uncles third cousins grandma says she doesn’t like orange juice.
You have too much time on your hands for all this nonsense.
A spank is a very good, effective form of discipline for SOME children. I love all the people that have one child who is perfect and has never had to spank, perhaps thats why you have one child; God gave you all you can handle perhaps. I had an only child that was never spanked. Then when she was 14 I had 3 more. Out of those 3 only one has had to be spanked a few times and it has been very effective.
People say “hands are to love.” Well, that object is an extension of your hand. If you can’t spank “with love” from a hand, how is sticking anything in the hand different.
People will do whatever they can to justify spanking. Even a ridiculous and asinine argument, like using an object instead of hands.
Yes, spanking with an object is a red flag. Spanking in general, is one.
I’m not a proponent of spanking. We have used time outs and other types of discipline. Now that my oldest is 14, we make him do push ups and sit ups. “Get down and give me 20”.
I have spanked my 2nd oldest son when he ran out in a parking lot and scared the living daylights out of me. Got his attention right quick. We have used the “hands on” the car from that point forward.
My husband’s mother used a wooden spoon on her kids. It left marks.
If it leaves marks and bruises? I consider it child abuse.
I just cannot get past people that spank. I was spanked as a child and it never felt “out of love” to me. It felt humiliating and scary that my beloved parent was spanking me/hitting me. I hated him when he spanked my little sister. I even yelled at my mother to “make him stop”. She said that was the moment she knew it was wrong and he needed to leave our home.
In Texas hitting with anything is considered assault. Whether it be a child or an adult. So no, if you do not have the tools to control your child, do not use anything.
If you feel like you need to give the spanking use your hand and own it when the child asks you about the spanking/ hitting. Admit you could not think of any other way to parent them.
Honestly the question should be “Is it acceptable for another person, who isn’t the parent, and doesn’t have permission, to spank a child?”. Ballsy of the fiance that’s for sure.
As to the question you asked.
I have 8, some have never been spanked and others have. I know my children better then anyone, so I know what works better with each child.
I do not think spanking should ever be the only form of punishment, but instead saved for times where it is imperative that the child understand that what they are doing is unacceptable. period.
I was spanked a handful of times by my mom. My sister was another story, my mom used to use a wooden spoon with her, but the spoons kept breaking, so she went to a shoe/slipper/flip flop. My sister was hell on two legs.
I knew when I was spanked I had crossed a line, not just messed up as kids do, but really screwed up. I don’t hold any resentment. I do resent being grounded…outside, since I hated to be outside. That was always torture for me, but I did get the message.
Eh, I see CIO as abuse, where others don’t. There are always going to be people who see things differently.
The difference between spanking with your hand and spanking with a slipper, paddle, or other object is the difference between simple assault and assault with a weapon.
I was spanked as a child. I love my parents, respect them for disciplining us when needed, and never looked at it as being hit. They always used a paddle or wooden spoon. Never left marks or bruises. We have spanked our kids when needed. We haven’t had to do that in a LONG time. Our oldest - it worked for him. Our youngest - it never worked. So we don’t spank our youngest and our oldest is now too old to spank. I always used something other than my hand. I do believe kids see a difference in being spanked with a hand vs. being spanked with an item. I never left bruises or marks. And it was not done in anger. It was done after I calmed down, had a set number of swats (2 or 3 depending on age and transgression), and was done in the privacy of a bedroom. I totally believe there is a difference in spanking and hitting. But - it is only my husband or I that punished that way. Other family members or friends were NOT allowed to spank our kids. I think your friend needs to clarify with her son where he was struck with the shoe - on the bottom as a punishment or somewhere else in anger. Also - they need to make it clear to the dad that he is the ONLY person in his household to be able to punish his child.
I think that spanking with an object - even a soft one like a slipper - is worse than using your hand. It is hard for kids to draw the line in situations like this and it could escalate to something like “my mom spanked me with a slipper so I can hit my brother with a truck.” A hand is a hand, no matter whose hand it is. But once you bring an object into the situation, you open up the possibility of hitting/spanking with all kinds of other, potentially more harmful, objects.
We don’t spank in our house. I was occasionally spanked as a child (only with a hand, never an object) and wasn’t scarred or traumatized by it. But, when I become a parent and heard the arguments about hitting as punishment teaches that it’s ok to hit, I decided not to spank.
Bottom line - if you choose to spank, use your hand and not an object.
I’ve wondered about this too. My mother used a wooden spoon, my father a belt. The hand, I was told, would do more damage.
I have no ill feelings towards my parents about it. I didn’t think of it as abuse. I don’t support spanking, but I don’t think either are flags of abuse.
My parents had rulers used by their school. The people I know today use their hands. I know a lot of parents who spank. Some people do, some don’t. Slipper, shoes, etc. I guess every family has a chosen thing to use.
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Yes, I was spanked… and yes, we spanked our kids… it wasn’t a “bend over my knees” type of spanking, more of a quick swat to get their attention that I was REALLY serious about it.
I always used my hand, and it wasn’t on bare skin to them. My thought is that if I used my hand, I would know easier if I was spanking too hard…
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I know it varies state to state but many states have an “open hand” law which means that anything other then that is illegal. I don’t know the full background of this as you can obviously injure with just an open hand, but I think that it is to prevent/limit injuries as I would think you could feel the impact more if your using your hand verses a shoe.
There are times when only a spanking will get the attention of a child. Talking is talking and becomes the Charlie Brown wah wah wah.
If spanking is done correctly with love and not anger and frustration it will not cause mental anguish. However, if you use a belt and whip the child’s behind and leave many red marks, there is a problem. I had a neighbor who would “whip” her children daily and it was not pretty.
You also have to learn the temperament of the child and their currency so that spanking should not be necessary. Also you need to ask the child “Why did this happen?” And the child needs to respond as to why so that you both understand and are on the same playing field.
I recall spankings from my dad this was back in the 50s. There were about five but I do recall them and I did learn what not to do and know what the consequence would be. I also learned to understand right from wrong and leave when friends were about to get into trouble for what they were doing. I guess it is called common sense.
The old ways were not perfect but neither are the new ways. Talking and no follow through also causes problems. If you say it, do it. Don’t ever back down because your kids are going to challenge you their entire childhood.
A slipper might sting a bit but not like a belt would and there will be no marks.
I guess it is time to read more books about how to discipline. Parenting is not for the faint.
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Hello Dearest Fanged Bunny, Spanking is both an “old school” method and cultural, since there are cultures that still spank. I’m only 3rd generation American and my DH is 1st generation. Also, our families are from 2 completely different countries. My parents grew up during the great depression and my father is a WWII vet so now you know were I am coming from. I come from a “small” family consisting of 4 kids, compared to my parents’ families and some of my cousins. The most common thing we all have in common is that we all have been spanked at least once as a child. We all turned out fine, well adjusted, and respectful. I only got spanked once and I only ever spanked my DS twice. My dad used to joke about being so “bad” he got spanked 11 times. Funny thing is that my mom apologized to me for spanking me. She apologized when I turned 13. Guess what? I didn’t even know she did that. I thought I was the only lucky one that didn’t get spanked. My parents did have rules about spanking and I got to hear the rules when one of my eldest sisters had children and her DH used to use a belt to spank them with. My father was furious! He and my mother didn’t believe in spanking a child with an object, because they felt you could hurt the child. They gave my sister a big long talking to and here are their spanking rules:
Never use any object other than your hand to spank a child. Not even a newspaper.
Never strike a child anywhere except on the butt. Mom used to say that is why our behinds are well padded.
Only ever strike once. There is no reason to spank/hit a child more than once, because they will start crying after the first whack.
Spanking is only to be done if absolutely necessary and as a last resort. The sound of your voice should be enough.
Never spank in public.
Never pull a child’s pants down to spank them.
There has to be a reason for the spanking and the behavior has to continue after being told not to do it. If the child listens, you can’t spank them.
My DH and MIL on the other hand aren’t spankers. They think it looks scary and cruel. Instead they take things away, break them, and throw them in the garbage. They always make sure to take away a favorite toy that DS is currently playing with. I find this method to be psychologically cruel. It started creating disrespect between DS and DH, and fear of having more toys being taken away. They also did it when it seemed unnecessary to me like when DS didn’t understand a math question or remember a vocabulary word. It’s a very mean form of discipline. It got to the point that I started repurchasing the toys. Finally I had a talk with DH. I told him there is no point for a child to behave or listen, when you take away the toys he plays with only to never be seen again. Then I mad the proposal of grounding instead. If there’s something DS did wrong, then just ground him from playing with a certain toy/toys for a certain time period depending on what he did wrong. Much better.
Personally, I’m with your DH. Spanking is once and done and doesn’t drag on or really give you a psychological trip like taking stuff away or embarrassing a child. As for the excuse that children are more likely to hit other children…I don’t buy into that either. There are so many kids that were never spanked that hit, since we’re in a non-spanking world. I really believe that there are fewer spanker than there was back in my parents’ time. Back in their time, you would have never even thought about hitting another kid or getting into a fight or you’d have to do a lot of explaining to your parents…and get spanked.