Preteen and mild dating

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21

Hi Barbara,

I read a few of the responses but not all so I may be repeating...

I have a young daughter and I plan to follow what my parents did for me..
I was not allowed to date - as in go out on a date - until I was 16. I was not allowed to have a "boyfriend" but could have friends that were boys. I know it sounds goofy but believe me there is a difference. Those friends could call me on the phone and we could talk for 15 minutes. No longer than that. I was not allowed to call them. At the time, yes it was tough to understand but I knew the rules and followed them because I was told very plainly of the consequences if I didn't follow them. If I had lied to my parents about any of it, what little privileges I had regarding those "friend-boys" would have been taken away for a week or more.
In contrast.... My cousin was allowed to have boyfriends from the time she was 12. She was allowed to wear makeup and start wearing high heels, etc (basically start dressing like an adult woman) when she was 13. She was allowed to start dating when she was 14. She got pregnant when she was 15. I was 3 years older and when I found out that she was pregnant it finally clicked with me and I understood why my parents didn't let me do what she was allowed to do.
The last thing that I'll comment on is not to let your daughter know you're confused. If she knows that, she WILL take advantage of it and manipulate you to get what she wants. Not because she's a bad kid. That's not it. ALL kids will test their boundaries and manipulation is one of the ways they do that. YOU have to be the parent and set the rules and the consequences of her not following them and make both very very clear to her. YOU then have to follow through and be consistent. YOU also have to accept the consequences of whatever happens to your daughter/whatever she goes through if YOU decide to be lax in setting those rules or not follow through enforcing the rules that you set. Basically, it really is up to you. You can NOT be her friend. You have to be her Mom.

22

You have already gotten some great advice. And I agree, 13, 14 is too young. Have a talk with her. At this age kids are driven by hormones. You've been that age. Now you're older. You can see things she can't see. I personally know of young teens who got pregnant because their parents said it was ok to date. Set the rules. Don't be afraid. If she sneaks behind your back and worst case gets pregnant, she'll realize you were right. Thank God she's talking to you.

23

I only read a few of the responses so I may be redundant. I remember that age, and I remember changing "boyfriends" every other week. Make sure she keeps an open line of communication with you because although most of it is completely innocent, there will be instances of boys who have older brothers and skewed expectations. There will also be multiple heartbreaks.

I see no problem with letting her have chaperoned dates or group dates at this age. There's also nothing wrong with talking to the parents- girls and boys- of the kids she is spending time with.

When I started dating, my parents always had me give them the boy's parent's names, and phone numbers. When I started going out in car dates I also had to give them the license plate number. I remember my friends thinking it was crazy, but I gotta say in retrospect it wasn't a bad idea. thankfully, they never actually needed this info, but it was there in case they did.