Discover how positive parenting fosters self-control, emotional resilience, and long-term success in children. Learn research-backed strategies to build a supportive, structured parenting approach.
Introduction
Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles in life. Every parent has faced moments of frustration—when their child throws a tantrum in public, refuses to listen, or struggles with impulse control. Many parents wonder: “What is the best way to help my child learn self-discipline and emotional resilience?” Research provides a clear answer: Positive parenting plays a crucial role in shaping children’s ability to regulate emotions, exhibit self-control, and succeed in school and life.
Recent research by Neppl et al. (2020), building upon previous studies, found that positive parenting significantly influences children’s development of effortful control over time. Effortful control is their ability to manage impulses, focus their attention, and regulate emotions. These skills are not just beneficial for avoiding tantrums—they predict success in academics, relationships, and overall mental well-being. Additionally, the longitudinal nature of the study demonstrates that positive parenting practices during early childhood have long-term benefits. By fostering effortful control in the early years, children experience lasting advantages in emotional regulation and academic success as they grow older.
This article will explore what positive parenting is, how it strengthens effortful control in children, and how you can apply these strategies in everyday life.
What is Positive Parenting?
Positive parenting is a research-backed approach that emphasizes nurturing, guidance, and structure rather than punishment and control. It is not permissive parenting, which lacks boundaries, nor is it authoritarian parenting, which relies on strict discipline. Instead, it strikes a balance between warmth and discipline, helping children develop self-regulation and emotional intelligence in a supportive environment.
Key characteristics of positive parenting include:
- Warmth and emotional responsiveness: Expressing love, affection, and validation of children’s feelings.
- Clear and consistent expectations: Setting firm but fair rules and following through with predictable consequences.
- Encouraging autonomy and problem-solving: Allowing children to make choices and learn from their experiences.
- Emotion coaching: Teaching children how to identify and manage their emotions in a healthy way.
- Patience in stressful situations: Modeling self-regulation and remaining calm, even when children act out.
Why Does Positive Parenting Matter?
The study by Neppl et al. (2020) found that positive parenting significantly predicted higher levels of effortful control in children. Effortful control refers to a child’s ability to:
- Inhibit impulsive behavior
- Shift attention when needed
- Maintain focus and persistence
- Regulate emotional responses
Children with strong effortful control tend to do better academically, have fewer behavioral problems, and develop better social relationships. This is because they can manage frustration, stay engaged in learning, and interact with peers and adults in a cooperative way.
Furthermore, the study found that while positive parenting increased effortful control, effortful control did not significantly predict later changes in parenting behavior. This suggests that parents have a significant influence over their child’s self-regulation development, and that making small, positive changes in parenting can have a lasting impact on children’s ability to self-regulate.
The research also indicates that lower levels of effortful control are strongly linked to externalizing behaviors such as aggression and defiance. Positive parenting helps mitigate these behaviors by providing children with the tools they need to regulate emotions and respond to challenges constructively.
Finally, the study highlights that both mothers and fathers play a crucial role in shaping effortful control, and there is no significant difference in influence between them. This underscores the importance of shared parenting efforts in fostering self-regulation in children.
Remember, luckily no one has to be a perfect parent. Parenting is a learning process, and mistakes are inevitable. What matters most is that you remain consistent in your efforts to create a supportive and structured environment for your child.
How Positive Parenting Works in Action
To better understand a positive parenting response, let’s look at a common scenario:
Scenario: The Grocery Store Tantrum
A mother takes her 4-year-old, Max, to the grocery store. At checkout, Max sees a bag of candy and demands to have it. When his mother says no, he throws himself on the floor, screaming.
Positive Parenting Response:
Instead of reacting with frustration, the mother remains calm and says:
“I know you really want that candy, and it’s hard when you can’t get what you want. But today we are buying only the things on our list. Let’s take three deep breaths together like we practiced at home, and then you can help me put the groceries on the counter. You are a great helper.”
Note: The mother does NOT buy the candy to stop the tantrum. Buying the candy makes it more likely that a tantrum will happen the next time.
- Result: Max learns how to calm down in the moment and accept limits. Over time, he gains better emotional control and is less likely to have meltdowns in the future. Max and his mom have practiced his deep breaths at home many times when he is not upset so that this behavior is more automatic when he needs it.
How to Apply Positive Parenting at Home
The key to positive parenting is consistency and intentionality. Here are four action items to start implementing today:
- Pause Before Reacting
- When your child misbehaves, take a deep breath before responding. This models emotional regulation and prevents reactive discipline.
- Validate and Label Emotions
- Instead of saying, “Stop crying!” try:
“I see you’re really upset because we had to leave the park. It’s okay to feel sad.”
- This teaches children that all emotions are valid, but they need to learn how to express them appropriately.
- Encourage Self-Regulation Through Choices
- Instead of demanding: “Put your toys away now!” Try: “Would you like to clean up the blocks first or the cars first?”
- This small shift teaches responsibility while giving children a sense of control but not too many choices. You are also not asking if they want to clean up, but rather giving a structured choice.
- Praise Behavior You Want to See More Of
- “I really like the way you started picking up the blocks right away.”
Reflecting on Your Parenting Style
No parent is perfect, and positive parenting is not about being flawless. It is about being mindful and consistent in how you respond to your child.
Take a moment to reflect without judging yourself:
- Do I react out of frustration, or do I take time to respond calmly?
- Do I help my child name their emotions and learn coping strategies?
- Do I provide consistent and clear expectations while staying warm and supportive?
- Do I remember to give attention to behaviors I want to see more of with praise?
By making small, intentional changes, you can help your child develop strong emotional regulation skills that will benefit them for life.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is not about perfection; it’s about growth. Research shows that positive parenting fosters self-control and resilience in children. However, positive parenting does not mean that the child is in charge or always gets their way. Instead, it is about setting clear expectations, maintaining boundaries, and guiding children with warmth and encouragement.
It is also important to recognize that external factors, such as parental stress or socioeconomic conditions, can influence parenting styles. However, small, consistent efforts in positive parenting can make a significant difference in helping children develop self-regulation skills, even in challenging circumstances.
By practicing patience, reinforcing expectations, and using consistent guidance, parents can help shape their child’s ability to regulate emotions, make good choices, and succeed in life. And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t make these changes perfectly. Self-reflect in a nonjudgmental way and identify which parenting behaviors you want to do more of and which parenting behaviors you want to do less of. Start with small changes, remain consistent, and trust the process—your efforts today will shape your child’s future.
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Want to read other people’s parenting questions about young children and mom advice? Click on a topic below.
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Source Reference:
Neppl, T. K., Jeon, S., Diggs, O., & Donnellan, M. B. (2020). Positive parenting, effortful control, and developmental outcomes across early childhood. Developmental Psychology, 56(3), 444–457. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000874
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