Your Opinion Please - Washington,PA

I highly suggest counseling and a 12 step program. Al Annon, CODA (Codependency Annon.), or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics if you think that applies). You can go online to find a meetin in your area. Try reading the book Codependency no more. It might just change your whole life, especially how you handle the problems with your mother.
C.

Wow, I wonder if we have the same mother!!!! I am going through the same thing. I finally have just had enough and started taking space from her. I cant take it anymore, I have my own kids without having to add in my mom too. They dont change and you cant make her change the only thing you can do is back off until she grows up. Your life will get better once she is not in it so much to bring it down.

I highly suggestion going to Alanon! I have family members who are alcoholics and addicts. Alanon has brought sanity, peace, love and laughter into my nucleaur family and it has nothing to do with whether or not the other family members are drinking or using. Your mother has already affected you in ways that might be unknown to you now, co-dependency etc and you will teach your children those unhealthy behaviors unless you get help for yourself!

I don't want to sound harsh, but I'm afraid what I have to say will. Keep in mind that I've spent the last 24 years dealing with my mom's 'issues'. Through years of therapy and soul searching I had to put my kids and family first.

One thing you can try is an intervention. There are people out there who will help you plan one and get through it. I would recommend having a counselor there to 'run' the intervention. With the intervention there will have to be an ultimatum, though. You may have to tell your mom that if she doesn't seek help and change her ways and boyfriend, she will no longer be able to see you or your daughters. I spent way too many years putting my mother's problems before my kids and finally put a stop to it. I know it sounds extreme and it really is, but the situation was extremely unhealthy for everyone. I can't change my mom, but I sure as heck can protect my kids from things they shouldn't be witness to.

I really sympathize with what you're going through. I wish there was an easy way to deal with the situation, but I just don't know of one.

I wish you the best of luck and you, your daughters and mother are in my prayers!

i think i would have to tell my mom that she couldn't be involved with my kids until she straightened up. just my opinion. good luck.

well you have some good advice here go with what is best for you and your babies and best of luck to you

I can symppthize with your situation, that is your mother and your childrens grandmother, but if it was your husbands mother, would you stand for it? My ex has a lot of crazy ppl in his family as do I, and we just limit time with the children. It is better for them to spend 1 hour of quality fun filled time with her then it is for her to just be hanging around all day. You do not want your children to see that, just as i do not want mine. And I know that it was not easy to tell anyone in either of our families hey look you can not see them, so we just made it so that they had some really good quality time with them and us, and it made me feel better and the children where still able to see their family.

Dear S.,
Well, it looks like there are a lot of us out there who have gone through similiar problems. My best advise, other than Al-Anon and counseling is to treat your mother as you would anyone else that has contact with your children. If her actions are not acceptable for your girls to see, then don't let them. I know that sounds harsh, but I had to remove myself and my children from my parents for almost two months. They got the point and now do nothing in front of the kids that I don't agree with.
Also if you are speaking with your mother and you may be able to have a good heart to heart moment, ask her what she would do if the roles were reversed and she had to watch you act the way she has been. It may help her to see your point of view.
I know it's hard but stay strong. Which would you rather have your girls remember? that they didn't see grandma for awhile because she was having problems? or have them remember her strung out.
I can tell you from experience, it is scary and confusing when you are a child and a trusted family member doesn't act normally because of any sort of substance. I lived it as a child and I would never allow another child that confusion if I had the power to.
Good Luck and keep us posted on how you and your mother are doing!

My mother also went through a crazy phase... she started drinking more often, got a tattoo of a female devil, had an affair with a younger man, and eventually divorced my step-father. It took about two years, but she has calmed down a lot. Of course no one wants to tell their mom how to live their life... but when it comes to their safety I think any normal person would be worried. Maybe if you just let your mom know that of course it is her life to live... but you don't want anything bad to happen to her, and you don't want your daughters seeing their grandma with black eyes or behind bars! Hopefully it is just a phase like it was for my mother... sort of a mid-life crisis maybe? Good Luck!!!

HI S.. Of course you can't change your mother's behavior. but you can limit how much of her your children see. I would say that if she has evidence of an argument with her boyfriend, such as a black eye, tell her she can't see her grandchildren till it heals. If she appears to be intoxicated, tell her to come back when she's sober. Trying to control her actions will probably just make her act out more, but maybe if her time with her grandchildren is limited, she'll realize the error of her ways.