Yet Another Exclusion from My Own Family....

So totally know how you feel. My hb family did that to us too. I chose to stay away, he can chose to continue to go to family functions with them if he wants. I couldnt deal with it anymore. Not to mention the fact that the older girl cousins would ignore my daughter. It just became so unpleasant to be around them. It was hard for my hb because he was used to this treamtment, but i wasnt. So i told him that i loved him, but i could no longer be around his family bc this is how they made me feel. I struggled with this for at least five years. I always put on a smile and went with it... but i couldnt pretend anymore... so now, i just stay away. Sad....
Do what you need to do to make you happy. I have come to the realization that i cannot control what other ppl do or say, i can only control me... and for my sanity and my well being. I just chose not to subject myself to that. big hugs to you! Good luck!

The universe is waiting for you to clue in . . . some people are not nice. These people can be in our own families. No amount of good deeds, door-mat behavior, etc., will win their affection. In fact, it's my experience that this type of person responds to one thing only: boundaries.

I would start dealing from a position of strength. The cats need to get dropped off with your sister, or whomever will care for them. You have suddenly developed a conflict and need them gone by this afternoon.

For the next couple of weeks I would not answer the phone. "Gosh darn, daughter and I have been so busy!"

I would never, ever have a confrontation with them. You can't out-viper a viper. They will use that as an excuse to make you feel worse.

I would build up my own life, with my own circle of friends, for myself and my daughter. I would stop showing up for my family beat-down on my spirit. And I would not have my daughter repeat the same cycle.

I would also get some therapy or someone to talk to about my childhood, and why this state of being is so familiar to me.

Good luck - hang in there. Stop looking to others for validation or strength. It all comes from within.

This is making you feel pretty badly.
You try and try, and they ignore you.
How about you take a break from contacting them for 6 months.
Give their cats back.
Do nothing for them, accept nothing from them, do your own thing, throw your own parties (your friends only), set your own schedule.
You are going to have to build your own circle of friends, and then you won't need your family - and then they can't hurt you.
You won't feel needy if you don't need them.
When 6 months is up - DO NOT CONTACT THEM.
Let them come to you, and if they ask for anything, consider it - but only if it does not interfere with your own schedule/activities.
Tell them 'No, sorry, I can't right now' every so often.
They may never come around to be the close family you want them to be.
You can create your own without them.

The main problem is you want something from them they are not prepared to give. They may never be there for you when you need them, they may never invite you to be a part of their circle, and etc.

You will need to redefine who family is to you. I love the suggestion of creating a new family. My church family is amazing, not perfect but amazing. I have so many sisters and brothers it is just great even when there are problems it just a better family because I have choosen them.

I love the recommendation of taking six months separated from them, no calls, no visits. I would also spend time healing my emotional wounds which may involve some professional help. Heal yourself and then you will be in a better position to deal with your family. Stop letting their actions disappoint you. Manage your expectations of them and watch your perspective and reactions change. Change you because you really can't change them.

The last time you posted, I came from the point of view of giving the benefit of the doubt. Except that it happened again. I'm really sorry about that. It sucks feeling like an afterthought.

I would give the cats back and tell the that the arrangement isn't working out for you or the cats any longer, and the cats miss their family. If they can't take the cats back, ask them if they intend to take the cats back at all. Give them a time frame to take the cats back such as two weeks and if the cats aren't picked up by them within two weeks, you'll consider the cats yours to either keep as your own property or to re-home. Especially if you've been providing for these cats with your own money. Put it in writing and make them sign the agreement.

Separately, you need to talk to your sister about feeling excluded and how it hurts you. Use a lot of "I" statements and try not to be accusatory or make assumptions about how you think she feels. Just tell her how you feel. Tell her how your daughter feels. Tell her what you'd like in the situation to change. The rest is up to her, although you should also talk to other members of your family who could also speak up for you but don't include you either.

If they downplay your emotions or try to somehow make it your fault, don't let them discount and minimize your feelings on this. Know that they'll probably get defensive. Expect it. Try not to get upset when they do. Make your points, stick to them, and plan it all out ahead of time. Give them time to think about it.

Then make your plans and invite them or not. See how they respond after.

Have you tried straight up asking her "what have I done to offend you, and what can I do to make it better?" and explain how hurt you feel?

Drop off the cats and say you can no longer care for them, say it with a smile.

OK...you say "I've tried to be the best sister I can but I feel I am dealing with a very self centered person who does not so much as think of me and my daughter....except when she needs something or has nothing else to do. What would you all think considering this is not the first time we have been excluded?"
Your conscience is clear.
Now you know her true colors.
So choose your next moves carefully. (When we know better, we do better!)
There's a fine line between being a "good sister" and being a "door mat"!
And tell her to get your cats out of your basement!
Good luck.

Maybe it was a spur of the moment dinner invite. I live across the street from my inlaws and these happen ALL the time. Sometimes we go all week without talking to them, and some weeks we have dinner with them 3-4 times. To my SIL that lives 20 mins away, it appears that we are having get togethers all the time without them. Which isn't true.

Any true get togethers, they are invited. Any spur of the moment, its 5:00 I'm making chili want to come over?' invites, they usually aren't.

You just need to back away or grin and bear it.

I have a situation that is kind of the same in my family...and I choose to ignore it as often as I can. It does get under my skin sometimes, but really the best thing is to distance yourself if possible.

I think you are me on the other side of the world! Ouch that hurts and I have it done to me a lot, too. I just said to my husband yesterday that I am soooo done with my sister. But I know that won't be forever, throw me a bone and I'll go fetch it. Perhaps however, like me, you can begin to find substitutes for family members who are cruel until they decide to come to their senses which may be a very long time. My family is definitely very dysfunctional in all sense of the word, so although I care deeply about them I also know health wise I should find alternatives to make me happy and fill up my life. Maybe they will change, maybe not and you are not alone. I'm your new sister, aunt, cousin whatever...haha too bad we don't live near eachother. Yes, you are dealing with a very self centered person, but keep being the nice one that you are and reap the rewards of being loved by a lot of different people. There are churches filled with people who'd love to have the love and social part of a family and don't sometimes. HUG

How terrible for you. I think that if you have not already done this that you have nothing to lose by putting it all out on the table with your sister. TEll her all that you feel and how hurt you are. Ask her WHY she excludes you. Make sure to come at this from a place of trying to understand and not confrontational.

You said before that you avoid bringing it up because of the way they will react. It sounds like the relationship is already fractured. It's time to bring it up. Talk to the adults without the children present and tell them how you feel. Keeping it bottled up is not working out. If they react poorly or "treated like an oversensative idiot", you are no worse off than you are right now. If the reaction is really bad...well at least you'll know where you stand without wondering all the time what's going on.

i'd ask them to have lunch and explain how you feel left out and are hurt. Ask them if there is a reason, tell them you're willing to work on you if there is an issue and they are unhappy wih being with you. Tell them even if they have an issue with you you'd love for your daughter to be close and they can invite J. her if need be. You don't want this effecting her.
I'd avoid making statements about what they've done to proove that they are mean and hurt you, that wont help anything.

I'm sorry you're going through this...but ethier they are J. mean or they have a reason for excluding you. I would hope there is a reason you are unaware of and you can fix it for your daughter

From your last post, it seems like you and your mother had some communication regarding her leaving your daughter out of a trip to the pool, and it was worked out. Not a week later and here you are again. I would think, if your sister wasn't kind enough to invite you, then your mother would have let you know about the get together, considering your recent communication about being left out.

I agree with the posts that say you have to distance yourself from your family, and find some social interests of your own, and for your daughter especially.

I briefly saw some of your posts that you are concerned about your daughters infatuation with boys and how her recent crush asked her out. She is at an age where she needs some other social activities other than boys, otherwise there is a risk that she becomes for these boys how you are with your family - always looking to them for validation and attention. This is a really bad situation for her, although being obsessed with boys at her age is normal - I certainly was.

Can she join a school sports team or band or something? How about church activities and Sunday school. Girl scouts?

For you and your daughter, you need to separate yourself from your family for a while. Give them back their damn cats - immediately. You are being their doormat and find some things for you and your daughter to be involved in besides your family and boys.

You should take her to the pool, btw, and have an awesome mother daughter day :)

In this particular situation, if I am reading this correctly, your sister invited everyone staying at your mom's home over for dinner and they all went (except for your mom who is out of town). You feel excluded. Do I have that right? If so, I think you are taking this too personally. She invited everyone from that particular home over. Although they are family it wasn't a "whole family" gathering. Would you feel excluded if your sister had invited one of her friends family over for dinner but not you? Probably not because you would see it as she had "the Smiths over" rather than "I wasn't included". Could she has "excluded" you, maybe. Did she? Only she knows for sure. Please realize that you can only control what you do and how you respond to other people but you can't control other people.

Now, from the rest of the post and one I read the other day, it is much more than this particular situation causing you grief. It is because of the other stuff that this instance isn't sitting well with you. This other stuff is casting a cloud over everything they do and you are viewing everything as a slight (even when it may not be).

Stop offering to help and don't go out of your way to interact with them. Bottom line, YOU decide how you want to be treated. If this wasn't your family would you continue to deal with it willingly? Nope!

We had to start drawing the line with my in-laws as well. At some point my MIL got the picture and called my husband to talk. His response was pretty short, but clear "You only call me when you need something. You haven't visited the kids in months and you don't help when we ask you to. What do you expect from me?" I have to say the combination of distancing and then responding when asked worked and things are better, not great, but better.

I would cut my losses now. Make your friends your immediate family and put the family in the rearview mirror. If they were strangers you wouldn't put up with this.

As a child I had cousins who would come to town and visit their grandfather who lived by me and their other cousins who lived on the other side of me. I mentioned why did they not stop by and say hi to me and never got an answer. It did hurt very deeply but there was nothing I could do. After a few of the huge ignores I dropped the subject and stopped caring about them. If I saw them at other family functions great. If I didn't see them at other family functiosn great. I never bothered to speak with them about anything -- they became persona non grada.

Do what you have to do but don't bang your head against the wall expecting something different to happen other than a huge headache or a cracked skull. Know that you did the best you could do and they are not interested in you and your child in any shape or way.

Hang out with the friends and enjoy life as life is too short for all this drama.

The other S.

I'm not sure why your family keeps excluding you but you need to distance yourself from them for a while. Stop offering to do things for them and don't invite them over. Focus on spending time with people who WANT to spend time with you and your daughter. Nurture those relationships and you will be much happier.
I myself am much closer to my friends and my in laws then my own family. Most of my family is bitter, selfish and unhappy, and I generally only hear from them when they need something (usually money.) Do I wish things were different? Of course. Is it right or fair? No, but that's life. I know these people are never going to change, and being around them just makes me depressed. So I keep my distance. I think you need to do that too.

Hi! I haven't had the time to read the other responses, sorry, hope I'm not repeating! I am the type who would really want to know why?! I wouldn't worry about making your sister feel uncomfortable. She obviously doesn't mind making you feel that way! If you feel ok w/that ask her! Tell her you are trying to understand why you and your daughter are excluded. You may not like the answer you get, but at least you would know! If she makes more excuses, I would just distance myself from them. It stinks, I know from my husbands family. We are only invited to events where a gift is required! If its just for fun, forget it, we never hear about it until we see the FB pictures after! I have given up trying to understand! I don't have any siblings, so I don't really have this issue on my side.

You mention that she is unhappy. You have been in counseling for a long time (hooray for your trying to better yourself) and that she has been in on two sessions. My gut says that she excludes you because she's afraid of having to be real and deal with her own issues and unhappiness like you are doing. She knows you are working on things and she doesn't want to admit to herself or anyone else that she has work to do, too.

If you don't feel you have done anything to wrong her or other family members in any way, then realize that she is the one with the problem. The reason she excludes you is because there is something wrong with her, NOT YOU!! Does that make sense?

Good luck to you. Some people are toxic--family or not--and you don't have to allow them to make you feel any way but HAPPY!! I've been through this myself . . .

As hard as it is, sometimes people just want to get together with just a few certain people. It hurts of course when you aren't the ones getting invited.

I know how hard it is. If they are not accepting your invitations and leaving you out of theirs then it is obvious they really don't like spending time with you. Sorry, that's just mean of them.

I would invite them a few more times and if they come I'd watch their body language. Are they always checking the time, trying to make excuses to leave, cutting short the visit, etc...are they uncomfortable in your presence?

IF they seem to be doing this stuff then you need to find out what is going on. IF they just don't like you I would say good riddance and let them take their cat with them. They can find something else to do with it. IF they are just stupid and unaware of hurting you then they need to be told off.

I would try to get to the bottom of this. If they are going to treat you like this then your friends are your family and not your family. Your family needs to be seen in very limited time frames.

I think that it will eat at you forever if you don't speak with them about this. It sounds like you are hurt that your brother/family haven't accepted invitations to do things with you but accepted your sister's invite. You can explain to them that your feelings are hurt and ask why they've done this. It sounds like your issues with your sister go deeper, so that one may be a tougher conversation. Either way, she should hear from you that her actions are ruining whatever relationship you have. You can speak to the counselor all you want, but the two of you can only speculate on why your family is doing what they're doing. Just my opinion...

You are me almost exactly a year ago. Since then, I've spent a lot of time hurting like hell and trying to figure out why this was happening andy why my own family would do this to me. This did not get me very far. It is a horrible feeling to not have your own family include you and to feel like your child is at the bottom of the totem pole.

The best advice I have is to start figuring out the relationships that are working for you. (You mentioned some close friends.) Put your time, energy, and effort there and stop focusing on all the people that are dragging you down. If your family is not giving you the attention you need, then stop giving them the attention that you already are. No matter what you do, you can't force them to do the things you want, and nevertheless you want it to come from their heart and not from backpedaling because they got "caught."

Give them distance and maybe they'll figure out things on their own.

Hugs. Feel free to pm me if you ever need a chat.

I wouldn't take my DD over tomorrow, since the invitiation did not seem sincere, but rather to come from obvious guilt. I'd take the day off and do something else really fun with your DD instead. Then I'd plan a nice little vacation for just you and your DD, maybe include some of the great friends in your circle. And just take a nice long break from your family, because they are not treating your very nicely. I've been around people who seem to have that deer-in-the-headlights air about them like your sister when they know they haven't been very kind to you (or your child) behind your back. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but at this point, I wouldn't be asking for explanations. I'd be going out creating my own happiness and letting them be for a good long while.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times... DNA does not make family, and that includes in-laws. We're raised and taught one way or another that "family" comes first but what we consider family is what we decide. If people treat you with disrespect or ignorance then why do you want or need to be around these people? It hurts, yes, because you have high expectations because you've labeled them "family" and they're not meeting your needs. If you are not important to them then do not put them on your list of high importance. If they do nothing for you, do nothing for them. Stop being the giver. They feed off of that, and they use it (you). Stop calling them. When they call and want something tell them you're busy and unvailable to them. When you have parties (even birthdays) or dinners or holiday gatherings do not call nor invite them. This will be hard for you at first but with time you will see that only people who truly care about you will surround you and your loved ones. I've done this myself, and later so did my husband. Define your version of "family" and live by it and more importantly STAND BY IT. If you're watching the cats by someone who uses you let them know the cats have to go and you do not have to give a reason. Time to clean house! Become strong, become independent, become defiant when necessary! You are not depriving your daughter of "family" because you're actually saving her from hurt and disappointment because the older she gets the more she will realize she is not important so save her the pain now and stop associating with people who treat you poorly. Would you tolerate a stranger treating your child poorly? No. Then why is it ok for "family" to do so? It isn't. Good luck!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets