My son is a freshman in high school and plays basketball. He is a starter on the freshman team and subs on the JV team. He isn't the best player on the team, but he's far from the worst. He's big (5' 11") and he hustles as much or more than anyone else on the team. He has a good attitude and is a great team player. Last night was parent's night for the JV and Varsity. My husband and I re-arranged our schedules so we could be at the game. And we had to watch our son sit the bench all game while the team blew their opponents away. Final score was 56-39. Neither of us could figure out why in the world our son was the ONLY player that didn't get ANY playing time. After the game was over, we found out that the coach had forgotten to put our son's name on the roster and therefore would have drawn a technical foul if he had put him in the game. Had it been a close game, I guess I would be able to understand not taking the technical, but considering the point spread, we could have "afforded" it. Had it not been Parent's night, I might be able to over look it, but quite frankly, it made my son look bad in front of the entire student body and their parents. It made it look like he was ineligible, or that he'd gotten in some kind of trouble, or that he wasn't working hard or had been missing practice. I feel that the coach owes my son an apology but I'm unsure of how to approach it. I will admit, I can get a little hot-headed and I know that it's not a good idea to approach him with both barrels blazing, but I also feel like I should go to bat for my boy. The last thing I want to do is make things harder for my son and I'm fully aware that that is sometimes the outcome when parents criticize a coach. So, does anyone have any suggestions for me? Should I talk to the coach or should I just let it slide.
P.S. This is the second time this season that the coach has "dropped the ball" and left my son's name off the roster. An oversight, in my opinion, that is unacceptable when a player is working hard every day in practice.
I would say the 2nd offense is worth speaking about. If he's forgetting, it sounds like he needs an assistant or something. I don't have experience with this stuff at all, but if it's not something the school can afford, perhaps a kid would volunteer cause that type of thing would look great for college transcripts, etc. Sorry about the disappointment!
I think your son should J. treat it with humor, and say to the coach before the next game, "Hey Coach, I'm on the roster, right?" with a smile on his face and a laugh in his tone. If the coach has any sense of humor at all, he will perceive it as playful/teasing and it would be a non-offensive way to double check behind him.
With him playing on two teams, it was probably J. an oversight. I personally think he should have taken the technical early on in the game, but I wouldn't call 56-39 a "blowout" because in youth basketball, the score can change dramatically in a very short time.
As a parent, I wouldn't go to him because it could make him feel defensive and that could negatively impact his perception of your son and/or his amount of playing time, whether consciously or unconsciously on the coach's part.
Let your son be his own advocate; he's at the age that he needs to get comfortable with that and remind him that (as my Nana used to always say) you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
you might approach it like..."hey, I noticed that this is the second time that my son has been off the roster. I was J. wondering if there are any issues with him that I don't know about...you know how kids don't always give the whole story. If there is I would really like to address them with him. " And J. be kind of matter of facty about it and like your are J. genuinely concerned. This will open up for him to say "my bad" and then you will say "I totally understand that things happen and I know how busy you are and really appreciate all of your effort. But you know what the thing is my son is actually really kind of embaressed about this and a little hurt/confused. Do you think you could talk to him?" Hopefully at that point an apology will be forthcoming.
Thats how I would approach it. But then again, I don't have kids in high school sports so might not know the protocol.
Wow, sounds like the coach isn't the brightest. Does your son's school have different coaches for JV and Varsity? If so I would J. let it ride knowing your son won't have to deal with him anymore after this season. It's not always productive to confront a coach unfortunately even when done tactfully (we have learned this personally). How does your son feel about all this? Does he want you to say something? You might want to follow his lead.
What does your son want? As a teenager, I would have been terribly embarrassed had my parents said something to my coach on my behalf. I think you should let it go.
I agree with Mallory P about the way to approach the coach.. but I think you should talk to your son first and ask him if he WANTS your intervention. Kids are very funny about parental interference at this age. AND, if it turns out that your son knows there is more to the story than you are aware of, he might come out with it if he knows you are considering talking to the coach.
Your son is a freshman and a starter on the freshman team. He subs on the JV team and it was JV game/parents night. Perhaps the protocol for subs is different than for regular players? I love Mallory P's approach. I would in fact handle it that way. Maybe ask the coach how subs are supposed to be represented. If in fact he did forget to add your son to the roster and there is not an underlying issue perhaps you asking would prompt him to make sure not to forget in the future. It is very likely that it is J. an honest mistake as your son is a sub. Approaching the coach in a calm, cool, helpful manner will come across as you are looking to help him not attack him.
OH BOY....this is like my last season of Varsity Volleyball with my two daughters all over again. here's what I learned and what I can share with you. First off, the first offense of "forgetting" your son's name on the roster is by-gones....J. leave it be. However, a 2nd offense is worth speaking to the coach about. Whether it comes from you or your son, you need to address the issue and ask that it not happen again. Your son is there to play and to participate....not be a forgotten soul who sits idly by and wonders what the hell is going on. You will do this calmly and collectively....no blow-outs and no hot-head syndrome. Keep it short and sweet and make the discussion a private one. Pull the coach aside to a distant corner and speak to him nicely and be upbeat. tell him that your son is here to play and that's all the kid wants....his court time and his chance to be part of a team. I will say this......because it has to be said......if the name off the roster thing happens one more time, then you need to contact the schools Athletic Director and also the Principal. Enough is enough and you're not going to be the token "pushovers" that J. let stuff like this slide. Kids are human and they have feelings. They play sports to be a part of something bigger than them and to achieve success. It's a win-win for everyone if your son plays as he should. If the coach has a "forgetful" attitude, then maybe he shouldn't be coaching anymore. Organization is an asset as a coach. So is knowing your team and aplogizing for mistakes made. The coach is human too. Fool M. once...shame on you. Fool M. twice....shame on M.. You're not a genie and you don't get to rub the lamp three times for another wish! Good luck and I hope this helps!
I was a teacher for 8 years, and I hate to say it, but some folks are right--if you go in there blazing mad, it might cause problems. But, Mallory suggested taking the "concerned parent" approach and that's exactly what I was going to suggest. "I noticed my son wasn't playing on parents' night, and I'm wondering if you've been having problems with him that I'm unaware of, and, if so, what I can do to help you." I definitely agree he owes your son an apology, but going in there adn demanding it can be both embarrassing for your son and detrimental to his relationship with the coach.
It is hard to see our children left out - at any age, but as others have asked, what does your son think? I have an Aunt who projected HER feelings on to my cousin her whole life.... really screwed her up. Your part about him being embarrassed in front of the whole school made M. think of her.... b/c I would bet that if you polled 50 people who were there 50 of them wouldn't have even noticed that a player had not gotten in the game. Especially a freshman.
May I suggest that you teach your son a lesson on how to be personally responsible for himself and in being proactive ? Tell your son that PRIOR to each game that he is called up for (from the freshman team) the HE is to approach the coach and confirm that his name is on the roster for that game. Situation solved. The coach has a reminder and your son has learned personal responsibility. Good luck!
.
How does your son feel about it. this is essentially HIS issue, not yours. I understand that you are upset, I would be too. However, I can imagine that your son is upset too, you didn't mention his response. I would think that a coach would be much more responsive to a player confronting him about this than a "mad momma bear." I'd encourage your son to talk to his coach himself. You can help him figure out what he wants to say. This certainly seems like an unfair situation that needs to be addressed. This is an excellent learning opportunity for your son for the future. What happens when his future boss overlooks his hard work and credits co-workers? Are you going to charge into his boss' office and plead that your son is a really hard worker and has a great attitude and should get a raise. Certainly not. This could be a great growth opportunity for your son.
This reminds M. of a similar (not exactly the same senario) when I was on the Varsity volleyball team in HS my junior year. I'm by no means a volleyball player..I was J. doing it because all the other players wanted M. to play. I wasn't the best maybe mediocre at the least. But with that said I was definitely better than some of the Freshmen they had in one of our rival games. I think its a clue when the crowd starts yelling to "put Amy in" and booing the coaches when they'd sub someone else in. I sat pretty much the whole game on the bench and we got smashed.
I saw my mom afterward talking to the volleyball coach. At first I was like "oh God" I was totally embarrassed. When I asked what she said, she said she was J. curious why I wasn't playing. And you know what he coach at the nerve to tell her that I wasn't "devoted to the volleyball team" because on the weekends I was in a basketball league. Are you kidding M.! There has always been this unsaid rivalry between the Volleyball program & Basketball program. Don't ask M. why. So needless to say I was benched pretty much the whole season. But I was glad my mom said something. They didn't treat M. any different, and I knew I "wasn't playing" because of some ridiculous reason, not because I wasn't "good enough" to play!
I'd talk to your son first. Ask him if he'd like you to say something or would he rather take care of it! I'm sure it is so hard to be a parent and sit back and watch your kids be humiliated like that, but hopefully his teammates will stick up for him, and maybe another parent could help mention it to the coach next time or something. Seems odd he keeps getting forgotten...is it because he's only "subbing" for the JV team?
I'm a little confused, he plays on the Freshman team regularly and subs on the JV...so my first question is Is he present at every JV game or only when they think they might need him? If he's supposed to be there for every game, then his name should appear regularly on the roster. Truthfully, most JV coaches are part-time and many work regular "day jobs" and J. love working with kids in sports.
Find out what the procedure it b/c there's a good chance that the roster is due at a specific time and it may be a good opportunity to have your son advocate for himself. If the roster is due the morning of the game, have your son remind the coach at practice the night before... "Hey coach, do you need M. tomorrow and am I on the sub list?" He's in HS and needs to start speaking up for himself!
I would approach the coach calmly and do not mention how you think your son was perceived by the student-body b/c frankly it's not likely true. Unless your son was ambushed with questions, I think you are blowing that part out of proportion. Your posting strikes M. as a "little hot headed" and if you attack the coach you will embarass your son more than if you confirm the procedure and come up with a way for your son to help the coach "remember".
Have you talked to your son yet to get his take on the situation? Unfortunately, at that age, a the "embarrassment" of a parent's involvement affects them more than the feeling of dejection of not being valued. How did he feel about being "forgotten?" Is it as important to him as it is to you? If so, this could be a good teaching moment, coaching your son to stand up for himself and tell his coach how much he wants to play, and politely remind his coach to include him on the roster before games. It could give him a good sense of empowerment. Now, if the coach were being abusive in some way, that's a go-ahead to step in and strike him down with the lasers shooting from your eyes!
Bleck!
I would say if your son were 8 and sports was about learning the game and teaching team playing and good sportsmanship, sure, talk to the coach.
But in HS, the goal of sports is to WIN. Nothing more, nothing less.
Your son has to decide for himself whether he wants to be a part of that or not. I don't really see any unacceptable behavior on the part of the coach. You play to win, you play the guys who get that done, and that's it. Sorry.
:(
If it only happened once, I would let it slide, but you say this is the second time. I would send a very nicely worded email letting the coach know your concerns. This should solve the problem without offending the coach. It's not like you're criticizing his coaching style; you're J. asking that he get more organized. I hope it doesn't happen again. It certainly isn't fair to your son.
i would give it some cooling down time, but YES he needs to be talked to 1st offense, ok, we're all human, 2nd offense, ok this is not cool. i'm sure you paid fee's for him to play, make sure you get your money's worth. i'd see about asking for a partial refund (far fetched but worth a shot) and if it's not resolved, take it above his head.
I would go to the Coach and ask him how is it possible that the same kid - your son - be forgotten off the roster TWICE!? Does he need help with the administrative aspect of coaching? Maybe you should J. go to the Principal and ask who you should speak to about this - because it may be harassment.
I wonder has the coach ever "fogotten" to put other boys names on the roster?
In a calm and cool way I would call the coach. Especially since it is the second time this happened. I would absolutely give the coach a call and let him know that you are disappointed that he forgot your son that way TWICE so far this season. Explain what you said about how it makes your son look, the assumptions people could be making who dont see it was his mistake. Tell him what you said, that your son works very hard every day in practice and he deserves at least an apology. Tell him once is understandable maybe, we all make mistakes. But the same mistake twice is concerning to you, and you are making this call to ensure that this should NOT happen again.
