Would You Email the Teacher First?

What is it with third grade? Honestly, it was the best year of school for me - and the worst for my daughter. I dislike the third grade team at my kids school for how her year went and she is in 6th now. We have one more kid to get through 3rd and then I won't have to bother with them anymore.

I would email the teacher. However, if you get no response or only defensive comments, I wouldn't let it stay there. I would involve the principal and super if necessary. It took us going to the super to get my daughter's class changed, and my only regret was not doing it sooner.

Other parents came to me the following year and asked for help on dealing with this teacher. I told them how we handled it and they said they were worried about backlash for the child. Honestly, I was too. But I made it VERY clear to all parties involved that the issue was now between the adults and I would take action if my children were made to feel like they did anything wrong. We never had any issues.

i'm a little taken aback by all the suggestions to bypass the teacher altogether and just go bitching to the principal. does anyone actually look at what teachers do for kids in public schools, and how near-impossible their jobs have become?
naturally there are crappy teachers, and teachers who are poor fits for some kids. but there's NO GOOD REASON not to start with the teacher. if you haven't spoken to her yet, you're still getting a very one-sided picture of what happens.
yes, some very sensitive little souls can be 'scared' of a strict teacher (or one who's exasperated, stretched too thin, exhausted, overwhelmed or sick) and be 'too scared' to go. that doesn't necessarily mean the teacher is wrong, or bad, or that it means your daughter isn't hating school for a myriad of other reasons.
we have got to stop expecting every single teacher to be the gods' gift to every single child. they cannot nor should they try and trim their sails to every little wind that blows through their classrooms.
talk to the freakin' teacher.
khairete
S.

I think you can email the teacher saying you have concerns about your daughter's ability to adjust to teacher expectations and say you want the teacher's point of view. Ask if this conference is the right place for that and if there is enough time. Say that you want to know the best way to encourage your child and support the teacher's learning environment. Also ask if there's anything special that you should do to prepare for the conference.

Do not, at any point, say that you have discussed this with other parents, and do not say that you know other kids are having problems. So far, your only information come from your child. The info from the other parent (of the scared child) is based on what that young child has told her mother. So, while I'm not saying the kids are wrong, it's essential that parents not form an opinion and get up their defenses based only on info from children. It's just as important as not putting the teacher on the defensive.

When I was teaching, I remember two occasions when parents went to the principal about a problem in my classes. On both occasions, the whole thing turned out to be the result of 1 kid misunderstanding something I said, then talking to another child, and the 2 of them getting all worked up. The kids wound up creating a story, and then later one of them told her parents that I didn't say the "offending" words but her friend did! The parents were so embarrassed that their child had lied (I called it "embellishing") and it really devastated them. Another time, a child told me he couldn't attend and perform in the annual music festival because of a family conflict. I said I was "sorry to hear that but it's your decision. Yours and your parents." He heard "…it's a POOR decision by your parents." Big difference!

I'm not saying the teacher is in the clear here. I've had a problem with 1 elementary school teacher and I do know that others had problems as well. But we handled it individually and encouraged each other to go directly to the principal and not to discuss it within the social group. So your child's teach may be excessively harsh or strict, but you have to arrive at that point after a discussion, not start out there.

So the best way is to address the teacher directly, stop talking as much to other parents to create a feeling of a community against the teacher, and get to the bottom of it with YOUR child only. I know it's hard not to commiserate with friends, but often these things derail. You can't proceed as if the relationship with the teacher is adversarial and that she will be "on edge" as soon as you walk in. If you don't get a satisfactory meeting, you can still go to the school psychologist or principal later on. But it may well be that a better understanding of the teacher's expectations will allow you to help your daughter understand better, and then she will know that parent and teacher are on the same page, both concerned about her welfare and educational success.

Updated

I think you can email the teacher saying you have concerns about your daughter's ability to adjust to teacher expectations and say you want the teacher's point of view. Ask if this conference is the right place for that and if there is enough time. Say that you want to know the best way to encourage your child and support the teacher's learning environment. Also ask if there's anything special that you should do to prepare for the conference.

Do not, at any point, say that you have discussed this with other parents, and do not say that you know other kids are having problems. So far, your only information come from your child. The info from the other parent (of the scared child) is based on what that young child has told her mother. So, while I'm not saying the kids are wrong, it's essential that parents not form an opinion and get up their defenses based only on info from children. It's just as important as not putting the teacher on the defensive.

When I was teaching, I remember two occasions when parents went to the principal about a problem in my classes. On both occasions, the whole thing turned out to be the result of 1 kid misunderstanding something I said, then talking to another child, and the 2 of them getting all worked up. The kids wound up creating a story, and then later one of them told her parents that I didn't say the "offending" words but her friend did! The parents were so embarrassed that their child had lied (I called it "embellishing") and it really devastated them. Another time, a child told me he couldn't attend and perform in the annual music festival because of a family conflict. I said I was "sorry to hear that but it's your decision. Yours and your parents." He heard "…it's a POOR decision by your parents." Big difference!

I'm not saying the teacher is in the clear here. I've had a problem with 1 elementary school teacher and I do know that others had problems as well. But we handled it individually and encouraged each other to go directly to the principal and not to discuss it within the social group. So your child's teach may be excessively harsh or strict, but you have to arrive at that point after a discussion, not start out there.

So the best way is to address the teacher directly, stop talking as much to other parents to create a feeling of a community against the teacher, and get to the bottom of it with YOUR child only. I know it's hard not to commiserate with friends, but often these things derail. You can't proceed as if the relationship with the teacher is adversarial and that she will be "on edge" as soon as you walk in. If you don't get a satisfactory meeting, you can still go to the school psychologist or principal later on. But it may well be that a better understanding of the teacher's expectations will allow you to help your daughter understand better, and then she will know that parent and teacher are on the same page, both concerned about her welfare and educational success.

As a teacher (high school) I would like to commend you for the way you are handling the situation. I haven't read the other responses yet, but will. It sounds like your daughter and others are having a tough time, and the situation certainly needs to be addressed. I would email the teacher and let her know that you have some concerns and would like to know when would be a good time to meet. Since parent/teacher conference day doesn't allow much time, a different day may be better. I hope you are able to make progress quickly and amicably.

I would outline your concerns, email the teacher, and ask for a meeting to discuss them. When I had a problem with another student I laid it out that I wanted to know their POV from their perspective in the classroom, but this is what I was hearing from my child. You may not be able to cover all the bases AND her academic progress in the conference. If you and other parents feel there is no resolution after talking to the teacher, take your concerns to the principal. I hope that the parent of the scared girl has already spoken to the school.

ETA: My friend had her older daughter in a class where the teacher was a known yeller and her kid did OK, but she will formally request that her younger kids have any of the other teachers but that one. She knows that they are more sensitive children and will not thrive there. Sometimes teachers are just not a good fit for some children and you have to speak up if their classroom management is not working for your kid.

Remember, you can't change the teacher. She is who she is. Just like you can't change your daughter. She is who she is. So what can you do?

You can reflect on your daughter and her needs and talk to the teacher about your daughter.

You can also reflect on your daughter and her weaknesses and think about how she can grow and learn from this situation. How can she view this teacher differently. This teacher likes to yell? (assuming this is the case) How can your daughter view the yelling? How can your daughter see this teacher differently? Maybe she needs to learn not to take it personally. She can remind herself that this teacher isn't yelling at her, personally, but she has trouble explaining herself calmly.

This is a life lesson for your daughter. How does she deal with a less than ideal situation. She is going to have teachers/bosses/classmates/teammates that she doesn't like or agree with. How do we, in life, adapt to those situations.

When you talk to the teacher, talk to her about ways you can both help your daughter. But do not go in thinking that you are going to get the teacher to suddenly change. That's an unfair thing to do to most people. We all have bad habits, and we all have things about ourselves that we don't love. We can work on these things, but we aren't necessarily going to be able to just change. Chances are, if she does yell, she's already had many parents complain, so this isn't news to her. Either she disagrees that it's a bad thing, or she really has trouble not slipping into the yelling when she's frustrated.

Talk to her about things you can both do to help your daughter adapt to the situation. You will be doing your daughter a huge favor if you're able to help her learn some coping skills.

I had issues with my 5 year old in Kindergarten. I found the easiest way to handle it and not put the teacher on the defensive is to state it as follows:

"Jane has been telling me what is going on in class, then give examples. I would like to get your point of view on what is happening because as we know children so young can misinterpret things and things can get lost in translation."

This gave the teacher the opportunity to tell her side and how she views the events in her class without her feeling defensive and without me seeming accusatory.

Hi J., I guess I always thought it very beneficial for my kids to experience many different teaching styles. That way, they'd be successful in any environment.

I also think since you've mentioned in previous posts how very sensitive your daughter is, this would be the ideal teacher for her.

Shrug, I'd think you'd want your daughter to be well rounded and not take things so personally. Interesting.

:)

Look, it your kid is too afraid or upset to go to school then I would go over her head, get administration involved along with school councilor. She is like what... 8 years old? No way should she have that kind of anxiety about school.

Please let her know that you have concerns about your child's adjustment to this classroom, and schedule another meeting time. Parent teacher conferences are typically crammed together, back to back, with little time for meaningful conversation of the sort you need. I recommend that you do not talk about any child other than your own. Consider what you want for an outcome. To understand her style to explain to your daughter? To change her? To have your daughter removed from her class? I think it's very important to remain respectful, don't share your results with other parents, and go to the principal if you want your daughter transferred.

Updated

Please let her know that you have concerns about your child's adjustment to this classroom, and schedule another meeting time. Parent teacher conferences are typically crammed together, back to back, with little time for meaningful conversation of the sort you need. I recommend that you do not talk about any child other than your own. Consider what you want for an outcome. To understand her style to explain to your daughter? To change her? To have your daughter removed from her class? I think it's very important to remain respectful, don't share your results with other parents, and go to the principal if you want your daughter transferred.

You know what? I think I'd call the admin office and ask them to transfer you to the school psychologist. Tell them everything and ask them if they'll send someone to go and observe your child in class. See if they can see the problem, to verify what your daughter is saying.

Tell them her stress levels are so high that she is not able to go to school on some days, that you're thinking she needs to drop out of school this year because of school stress. Make it seem super serious, her mental health due to stress. This way you're asking for a mental health eval by them. This way they can go in and see what is going on and give you a report to say what they see.

If they don't see the teacher acting like this then something else will need to be done but if they do see this then you have grounds to demand the school do something about this teacher or at the very least tell the school you expect them to change her classroom.

Also see if there is another school she can transfer to. Like one closer to your hubby's work or grandma's house. Just so she can get into a different building and away from this teacher.

The psychologist observing her classroom for several days should give the other staff a good basis for what's going on. IF IF IF all the parents call near the same time and request this service then maybe the school will have to move this teacher OR retire her.

I'd ask for an appointment now. I wouldn't use the parent-teacher conference to address this as I would want to specifically talk about my child's progress and successes. I'd talk with her about your overall concerns as soon as you can get in, and don't accept being "put off" until the conferences. Insist upon the importance of speaking with her as soon as possible.

You always speak with the teacher first.
You are your child's best advocate. If you are not pleased with the results of this discussion you go to the Principal, because the first thing they are going to ask you? "What did the teacher say when you spoke with her?"

You would not want anyone to go to your boss if they had a problem with your work before they spoke with you. Show the same consideration to this teacher.

The other parents should also speak with this teacher.

I am 47 years old. I still remember my 2nd grade teacher, Miss Mabel Martin, yelling at me every day. I had missed a lot of school by faking sick, my mother figured out one day that I was fine and told me I was going to school at noon, she later had to go searching for me and finally found me hiding in the back of my closet hiding. You (and possibly a group of parents) need to talk with this teacher AND the principle and get this taken care of.

I would bring it up in person at conferences. I would want to see her reaction to my question or statement. "Sally seems almost frightened to ask you questions, I'm sure that is not the image you are wanting to project, how can we work to make her feel more comfortable approaching you?"

(Now in my head I'd be saying "stop being such a $I#c& to my kid and do the job you are paid to do with a good attitude and a pleasant disposition"!!!)

I would then follow up with the principal. Your principal should be available at conference time but you could just say "I have some concerns about the things going on in little Sally's classroom, when can we meet to discuss these issues?"

If the teacher has tenure you may have an up-hill battle, but it is a battle worth fighting. If nothing else your daughter needs to know that you are willing to stick up for her and help her if you can, everyone needs to know that they have someone in their corner.

I very vividly remember the day after Miss Martin was called to the principals office for yelling at me. She pulled me into the hall and yelled at me for telling the principal she yelled at me. The only thing the school was willing to do was to send me to special reading (I could read just fine) that got me out of her classroom for an hour or so each day. I may not have gotten away from Miss Martin, but I knew that my mother did everything she could to correct the situation.

Good Luck,

M.

Honestly, I wouldn't have a conversation with the teacher just yet. I think I would speak with the principal and express your concerns. Your conversation with the teacher could backfire and you don't want your child being treated differently than the other children. I'd hate to think that she would do that, but you never know. I would suggest first starting with administration and go from there.

Parent Teacher Conferences can be kind of hectic. I would meet with the teacher, and be prepared to hand her a written letter, calmly and politely describing your concerns, and tell her that you're aware that perhaps when she's handling a long list of parents, this may not be the best time. Ask her to read the letter later and respond. Don't accuse, don't demand, and don't bring in other students and their issues. Simply state what you're observing in your own child, and how your daughter is reacting, and ask the teacher to either clarify her methods or work with your daughter to alleviate the problems. Tell her that you know that conference nights are rushed, so if she would please address this soon you'd appreciate it. And make sure you request that she communicate the response to you. Keep a copy of the letter for your own records.