Wondering What to Do About My Husband

Been there, done that... Divorced him because he refused help for 5yrs. Didn't 'see' it until I was already gone.

He needs help.

r.

Men hate having their wives give them advice on how to fix their problems. Your husband sounds really insecure and depressed. Men act angry when they are depressed. Instead of offering solutions or asking him to get help, try, try, try, to build him up as a man so that he can start seeing the good in himself. It may be good to try and do dates or family fun where he can feel more like himself. What does he like to do for fun? He has some depression issues that are causing the anger. It is extremely hard on a man's ego to get fired or laid off, for example. Maybe he has picked the wrong line of work and you could encourage him to follow some other line, gently encourage, gently, gently.

The only one who can make him change is him. If he's not willing, you need to decide if you want to continue to live this way, as it seems it will not change. However, I would also suggest you go to counseling to help work through this very big decision and make a healthy choice for you and your kids. Good luck!

no he is depressed because of the job situation I did the same thing when I couldnt find a job and we had to move to wherer the jobs were in order for me to get back to work. I garantee he is feeling useless and like a failure and trapped all at once. he is feeling it is his fault even though it is the economy. tell him you need counseling for the stress and you need him to go to be your strong hold. :) that way you are going for "you " not him and he benefits as well.he wont talk cause he feels useless. let him know how you need him. what he is capable of doing "your doing an amazing job with the kids" but dont be suprised if you get the response "if i am doing such an amazing job why cant I support us" this is the way men think. he is feeling like a failure. let him know when he is doing good and not failing. I can sympathise with him and totally relate. trust me.

I think that anger can be just as harmful as fists.

Whoa...sounds exactly like my ex husband. If you feel like you are walking on egg-shells around him and you find yourself biting your tongue when, instead, you need to let him know exactly how you feel; if you just don't get him and he is a great manipulator of the conversation; if he's too touchy or hyper-sensitive to issue regarding his mental stability, then, yes, you have a case of personality disorder. I learned it at my own expenses, after much pain and anguish caused by him in our marriage, and even after it. My story is long and sad, but at the moment I realized he could be affecting my own mental stability and influencing negatively our little boy with his"off" behavior (and example), I was out. I did it just in time, as I recovered quickly and my son was too little to remember him acting disrispecfully towards me. He needs help, he sounds bipolar but there are also other related illnesses that need to be taken VERY seriously. Or your children will be affected. Don't postopone actions.Good luck.

Of course you don't always fight, but anger is abusive, and repeated unemployment is very stressful. I bet you spend part of every day worrying what mood he's going to be in when you get home, what you can do to try to have him be in a good mood, and what you did wrong when he isn't. I bet when the jobs were lost it was always someone else's fault. Am I right? I lived this way for over 20 years. Finally I couldn't do it anymore.

My ex went to anger management counseling, regular counseling, family/couples counseling... Was on meds for depression. After our divorce he was diagnosed as bipolar and finally got on the right combination of meds and counseling, too. He has now been declared "disabled" so has a consistent social security income. I still love him, but I can't live with him and his moods, even though he is now much more stable than he used to be. We still are close and spend time together and with our children and grandchildren, but I need to live separately from him and remember that I am in no way responsible for his moods or his choices.

what I'm getting from your post is he believes he is angry because he can't seem to hold down a job. I think his anger issues go beyond keeping a job and are the reason that he is having problems with employment and his personal life. He needs get too the root of the problem.
I had a relative who was unemployed/laid off for two years before he was eventually called back to work. I saw this person just go through a downward spiral into depression. He had been on the same job for almost 20 years and it was only by the grace of god that he was called back.
but when a person is off without income for so long everythings gets bad, They develop health problems (no health insurance or no Money) and they get down. I'm sure it's hard for him not being able to take care of his family the way he wants too.
counseling would be a good idea.

Sounds like anger and depression. You both need counseling. Are you religious? Can you get some help from the church a mentoring couple? Also, who controls the finances??? Have you tried making a budget? Why can your hubby not hold down a job? Could be deeper issues that he needs to address.

I second that emotion, he is depressed. 2 years with out a job, is a self esteem nightmare. Since he won't see a counselor, why don't you try in a loving way start out with the sweetness, "honey I want to tell you something, I think I figured out that you might be depressed about not being able to work these past two years and you express it with anger towards me and the kids, before you get upset know that I love you and want a happy husband I want to make an appt with your regular dr, have a conversation and maybe he can recommend something to take the edge off". Your hubs if he agrees will listen to a professional. A few years back my hubs was same way, I tried to help him, then got him to his dr, who recommended a therapist and viola!! everything I told him, the therapist told him, yet it sounded different to his ears coming from a pro. As long as your hubs hears the message that he has anger issues and depressed doesn't matter who told him, only that he gets help. Denial is huge in the anger game by the way. Your husband is probably very aware that he loses control but can't help himself, then excuses himself by telling himself it's because I am not working. It's a viciouos cycle unless he gets out of it. I wish you luck.

My father sounds a lot like your husband. My mom was the same way.. she told me that when he's 'good' hes wonderful, but when he gets in his moods its absolutely awful. He'll go DAYS without even talking to my mom just because she said something harmless that aparently offended him. Sorry isnt good enough for him and he sometimes is an impossible man. Instead of dealing with the problem, my mom plays the victim and bends to his every will, trying hardest not to upset him in any way and working long hours to avoid being home. Let me tell you, that she is not a happy woman. My dad even gets mad at her when she spends more than 5 minutes with me on the phone, because he says shes neglecting him. Hes such a child, its pathetic. In the end, my mom basically chose my father over me and i dont have a good relationship at all with either of them. WHen my dad throws one of his little anger fits, I just walk away. In some ways, he is toxic, and I am a better person when away from him. Dont be like my mom. If you want your marriage to work, talk him openly. Tell him that SOMETHING has to change. Right now, hes leaning on you, ALOT and probably needs you more than you realize. He needs to change, though. Lay everything out on the table, and show him how much his behanvior is hurting you and your family. Dont just sit back and ignore it, or youll be as depressed as my mom, who makes excuses to stay overtime at work just so she doesnt have to come to my dad. its really sad. BTW, just as a note.. my dad is in general a VERY insecure man (although he tries to hide it)

Is there anyone is his life that he really listens to and looks up to that could talk to him about this? Sometimes when my husband hears it from me, he just brushes it off as nagging, but sometimes hearing from an outside source they start to see that they are not always right. Sadly, my husbands mother has to lay down the law to him and it kind of opens his eyes. I guess its pretty embarrassing to a grown man that his mother has to tell him how to act. I even often ask her for advice, I really want an outside view, and she will tell me if Im just being crazy or not. Shes been through a lot and of course is older and wiser than me. Anways good luck!

write him a note and relate to how much stress he's under (as apposed to him being all bad) and how it is affecting the family. I think its ironic he gets mad when you tell him you are concerned he's always mad. Give him a few phone numbers to therapists and tell him you'll go with him

Anger is damaging no what the cause. It doesn't really matter if it is due to his being jobless or not. However, it sounds like it goes deeper than that since he has had trouble holding down a job all 12 years of your married life. Your husband needs counseling. It would be great if he would go but even if he won't, it will help you, your kids and your relationship if you can go by yourself. Mark Felber is a one of the best therapists in the state and if anybody can help you, he can. You check him out at www.marriagecpr.com or give him a call at ###-###-####. Mark can also give you tips on how to approach your husband about getting counseling as well. I wish you the best!

He may not hit you, but he is emotionally abusing you. So sad that your kiddos are exposed to that behavior. That is the example you are showing your children on how to be married. He is definately depressed. He needs to be on meds. If he won't go to a doctor and get on some, then you need to tell him to get out. That is a deal breaker. He needs counciling too. He needs to be working even if it's a piddly retail job, he needs to get out of the house and feel productive. He needs to be exercising to expend some of that anger.
It's time!

I've been unemployed for going on a year, and even though I've had several part-time jobs, it definitely has taken a tole on me. I will start by saying, I'm about 100000 times better now. However, at one point I was crying constantly about being a failure, letting the family down, what was wrong with me etc. I can imagine as a man, with 3 small kiddos, he's got to be under enormous [self-induced] pressure about not being able to support his family.

A few months ago, I started seeing a therapist, and just talking about where all my pressure was coming from, why I was feeling like a failure, how I feel about going back to work, etc... I uncontrollably cried nearly the entire first two sessions... I just needed to talk through some of the pressure I was feeling... and then I could talk about some of the other things that were going on that I tend to bottle up inside. It has been such a night and day change for me...

I don't know your husband, but if it was me, I'd find a therapist, make an appointment for him, tell him you made the appointment, and either tell him (which ever you think would work) that your friend's husband (make someone up) was out of work and it really helped him to get interview ready OR that you're really worried about him and just to try it.. if he hates it doesn't have to go back. With insurance, every therapist visit is $20 - it's totally worth it...

Hopefully he is willing to accept help. Good luck!