Wits End: My 28 Month Old Has Absolutely No Concept of Communication

Hi N. - I totally agree with the other moms that have posted so far. You actually are having some really great conversations with her - from a toddler's point of view. This is also exactly the reason that the TV show "Kids Say The Darndest Things" never had a preschooler on the show.

Ask her lots of who-what-where-how questions. She wont get "when" for a little while and "why" develops more fully around 5. Keep on talking to her about all kinds of things. You'll find that you can have some really precious times with her just by listening to what she is talking about and engaging her in that. Narrate or offer how you're feeling, etc. Talk to her about the books you read together or the toys you play with.

Making conversation is definitely a learned skill that you must teach her by leading by example. What should you say to her? Anything! Talk about what you are doing, what you have planned for that day or week, or whatever, talk about what's going on outside or whatever comes to mind. Just ramble, really. For example, when you're dressing her, say this shirt goes really well with these pants. See how the yellow on the flowers match the yellow in the pants? I think these flowers are pretty. What do you think? I love flowers. Bees love flowers too. What sounds do bees make...... you get the point. She'll learn how conversations can flow from one topic to another. Try talking about things that especially interest her too, so she's paying more attention.

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Hi N.,

hmm..If I'm correct, I think your concern isn't so much that she's not having a 2-way conversation but that she's not answering simple questions like, "do you want some juice?" with a yes or a no...Correct?

Well, in my opinion, if this is the case, I would be concerned. Especially, as you said, that she'll often (?) repeat the last word you said. I would have her checked out right away.

I think a child her age should be able to understand a simple question like, "do you want milk?" "do you have an owie?" Even if it's not a "yes" answer. There could be a nodding of the head or something like, "milk please" etc.

This is totally age appropriate behavior. You will have hysterical "conversations" with her for the next couple years. My daughter did the exact same thing at that age. You continue to talk/communicate with her how you would with anyone else, you are modeling for her. Please don't worry about your own perceived inadequacies... you are Wonder Woman to her and she loves you unconditionally.

Mine is almost 3 now, and she is just beginning to have a normal conversation. She changes the subject often, talks to her "imaginary" friends and characters from books she reads, and sometimes responds to direct questions with something completely off the subject. Other times, she nails it. Sometimes she has entire conversations between herself and her imaginary friends (there are about five of them) Try to enjoy it... and appreciate how funny it all is.

As for making friends with other people... I am fairly outgoing, and I, too, find it difficult! (Its hard for me to break the ice, but once I do, you can't stop me.) Just keep trying, eventually you'll find someone you like.

I wish you the best.

I, too, think your expectations are set a little high for a 28 month old.

Also, try phrasing all your questions as open questions--avoid yes/no answers. What did you eat for lunch today? Tell me what you did on the playground today? Do you want water or juice now?

You can talk to her about ANYTHING! Have her in the kitchen when you make dinner and talk about the food and the colors and have her help put things in bowls. She can help wash dishes or load the dishwasher (count the spoons or bowls or cups as they go in).

But, I think there is just a time to let them be. They don't have to be constantly stimulated...especially if you have her in daycare. Trust me, I am definitely introverted, but my daughter is not.

Just wait until the imaginary friends show up. We have a family of dinosaurs living in the second floor bathroom. Sometimes I get scolded for stepping on one or closing the door before the "baby" can get in! Trust me, you are going to hear some fantastical one-sided conversations soon!

My son was the SAME way! He was also very smart and could count, identify all the letters of the alphabet, etc., etc., but if I asked him something like," Did you have fun at Grandma's today?" he would just blankly look at me and he would never have an answer for those type of questions. It wasn't even until after he turned 3 that he started to answer them, but I tell you what, between 3 and now almost 4, the difference is amazing! I think that maybe this sometimes just happens with kids that are the only child at home all day. It just takes them a little longer to gain conversational skills.

Now I didn't have that mother's instinct telling me something was wrong, so I don't know if you have that or you are just generally worried. But if you are just generally worried, I would give it some time because she's still pretty young.

Oh N.. At your wits end? At 28 months, you daughter is WAY too young to have a two way conversation with you. There is no need to worry about carrying on a conversation with your daughter. Her teacher is correct that she is already very bright. The conversations don't start until at least age three or so. And even then, they are pretty basic.

Find some new mommy friends who aren't snobby or competitive. And try not to be competitive with them. It takes a lot of trial and error to make new friends, so don't give up yet. Maybe try a joining a new mommy group.

In the meantime, don't worry about knowing what to say to your daughter. She will pick up her language skills no matter what you say or do. Just enjoy spending time with her, and everything will fall into place. Good luck to you!

I'm right there with Dawn. I, too, was told to relax and that I was too uptight, but deep inside I knew something just wasn't right with my child. So I kept waiting and kept being told to relax. She was a lot like your girl, bright.

Finally, when she was four, I'd had enough and took to our school district for an evaluation. Turns out, something was wrong. Had I followed my instincts, I could have had help for her much earlier. Like Dawn, my daughter is in 6th grade and made the honor roll this quarter.

My advice is not to panic, but start checking things out. Go to your school district or Parents as Teachers and have some discussions. Honestly, I'm sure everything is fine, but you need to follow your instincts and thanks to the help that we received from our public school, my daughter is off of her IEP and doing just fine.

Please keep us posted, and I truly don't want to panic you or be a downer, but it never hurts to check things out. Good luck!

I think in all honesty she is still kinda young for holding conversations. My daughter is 4 and just started preschool and it was a long time before she would answer the question what did you do in school today and even now that she does, its usually only about one thing. She isn't the only one I have seen this way either, my niece was also very much like this. Although, my daughter also has a classmate that I know would tell me every detail about her day. Children are different, there is average, below average and above average. My daughter is definitely getting better at holding a conversation but she is also getting closer to five.
I also have a younger daughter (30 months) and in all honesty I couldn't imagine asking her about her day and expecting a great answer. Although I do still ask, she usually answers with a yes to everything. My FIL just told me how she admits to doing things wrong, but I had to explain that's because she says yes to almost every question asked.
Anyway, it sounds like your daughter is bright for her age and when asked educational questions she is doing great. I wouldn't worry at this point about her holding conversations with you....doesn't mean you have to stop trying...but don't worry about the answers just yet. Just keep trying.

She is young enough that it is hard to estimate if she will grow out of it, or continue to have problems. Other than making sure you mention it to a doc on a normal visit, and keeping an eye on it and continuing to encourage her, there is only so much you can do for a little while before even being able to get a very accurate evaluation when she is a little bit older, probably.

But it did make me wonder if you have ever been tested for ADD or any autism spectrum disorder. If you have one of these, the chances are much higher that you daughter will too, and from some of the things you mention about your inability to connect with people, make friends, etc, there is at least the possibility (without further context on you to judge this) that you have a biochemical cause for your struggles, which may be reflected in your child as well.

Hi there
please DO relax.. Ellie is still a baby really... give her a chance, believe me.. once she learns more about piecing words together she will..... and you won't be able to stop her. :) Give her a chance to be who she is... keep reading to her, talk in regular sentences (meaning, not too much babytalk) and then she will begin to pick up sentences... ALso, let up on yourself too.. already worrying that Ellie will have your shortcomings... you are still very much a new mom as your is not yet even 3... why not look at ways to boost your self-esteem ? I think if you did that, then you might worry less about Ellie fitting in and learning and will be confident that she is doing just fine. Really, we as parents often project things unto our children.... all our worries and concerns we had.. or our own hangups about how WE fit in.. I ask you this.. is this really about Ellie.. or you.. something to think about. children are good at showing us who WE are.. :) Ellie perhaps in her subtle way is beginning to show you more of you.... it's something worth looking into...
Also.. enjoy Ellie now at this age and for who she is NOW.. it all goes by so quickly.... it's the simple things in life that end up mattering most... the hugs, kisses... cuddles... those first words BEFORE they start talking in complete sentences.. this is life.. it's how we evolve and everyone evolves differently and at different rates..... enjoy it and try to go with the flow....

Our daughter was an extremely early talker and I do not recall her having a true "conversation" till almost 3. She would make cute observations.

At he first bday party we allowed her to have some punch in her sippy cup. She took a sip and her eyes go really big and he help the cup up in the air and announced "Candy Juice!." She had never had candy before!

I we saw a child crying in a park or something she would say, sad boy or bad boy, based on what she judged his behavior at your daughters age.
during a time that you are sitting together, ask her "Tell mommy a story." See how she answers..

Sounds like she is right on track. Remember the frustration of NOT being able to verbalize completely is the reason for the "Terrible 2's" and the "Even worse 3's."

My first response was, relax! she's talking away and doing great! But, after reading the other posts, I do agree with the moms that said, if you have any doubts talk to her pediatrician, it will give you peace of mind and the dr will be able to see how she responds to questions the dr asks.

It is very normal for someone your daughters age to say No to every question - even ones where it doesn't really fit what was asked, they seem to love the word.

To increase the amount you talk to her and to help her learn more sentence structure (although it seems hers is pretty good already), just babble on about whatever you are doing or observing and try to engage her in the process or follow her lead when she starts talking about something. If she says "pretty horse" as you drive by one, you can just babble on not waiting for any answers "did you see the pretty horse? he's standing in the field. look how fast he can run! " Do this when you are cooking, or any other task you are doing. It doesn't matter how silly you feel, it won't seem silly to your daughter.

I would keep trying to make friends with the moms in the playgroup, yes they are going to brag about how great their children are, you can either take the opportunity to do the same about yours, or quietly let them finish and then ask if they've read any good books - either for themselves or to their little ones. With every kid there will be things the other child can do better than yours and things your child does that shine above theirs.

People brag about their kids because it's an easy way to talk to strangers, and because we moms really are proud of our little ones. If you can let the other moms get that out of their system and then ask them a simple question about themselves, maybe they'll move on to their next favorite topic and you'll find something to identify with. Eventually, you are going to really need for your daughter to have a playdate (maybe not for a year of 2), but when you do, you'll be far more comfortable if you are on friendly terms with the parents. I am very shy as well. I really believe that is how the "firm handshake introduction" for business settings developed, it's a ritual, an expected way to begin a conversation, introduce yourself and get down to business, it doesn't matter if you are shy or not because this is how you do it. Unfortunately, there is no real ritual for introducing oneself on the playground, but if you develop a strategy for yourself beforehand, you may eventually find a way around your shyness.

Ok, I am going to post this even though I may get ripped to shreds by other moms. I think this is a bit concerning. For a child to have a large vocabulary, be able to string 6 words together, count etc. but not be able to answer a simple question is a concern--yes, even at this young age. I didn't quite understand from your post if she is answering "no" to everything you ask her. That is normal. But staring blankly and/or repeating the last bit of what you say is not normal (the repeating is called echolalia--google it). I nannied for a little boy (exactly your daughter's age) who could recite books from memory and loved to use words to "list" things, body parts etc. but he did not use words to communicate with others. Obviously I cannot tell if your daughter is doing any other things that are not typical from your post but the first thing I thought of when I read this post was possible ASD. Like, I said, just something you should do a little research on and mention to your pediatrician. I am NOT trying to diagnose her--just trying to give you a heads up. Please feel free to contact me if you have any more questions.

I have to agree with McK4. Answering questions like, "Do you want more juice?" or "Did you have fun at school today?" she should be able to do. They are simple yes/no anwers. Especially considering all the other cognitive skills she has aquired. I would recommend talking with your pediatrician and consider having an EI evaluation done. They are free and doing things before they turn 3 is key. Good luck.

Dont worry...LOL, mothers have to worry. I'm almost certain she is just fine. Children are so much smarter than we can even understand. It may help to understand that communicating happens not just with words, also in our bodies, especially with our little ones. I began signing with my child around 6 months. I had a difficult delivery and she was not breathing at birth and I was terrified of all the info I received about brain damage etc. With tons of prayers and great doctors in the NICU she is fine today, almost 5. But I really can relate to your feelings. I became a complete believer in sign language. It is absolutely our children's first language and we Mom's need to learn it. You daughter sounds very intelligent and independent. Learning or making up just a few basic signs 10-20 may really help you to understand all she may be saying in her movements. Please do not fall prey to those that will tell you ... if you teach her sign language... she'll never talk.. I had tons of that in my family. It is totally false. It allows us to communicate early and consistently with our children and helps them to feel connected. I hope this helps. I will think of you and keep you in my prayers.

Hi N., I don't know if you still check out this site but would like to communicate with you somehow. I have a DS who is 28mo now and does the same things your DD used to and it worries me a lot. He has been evaluated by EIP and autism was ruled out. He's bright, active, alert, and socially very engaged (though on his own terms). The question thing and him linging things up (not often yet) are my two major concerns. His recent behaviors such as throwing things on the floor when he's angry or running around during the structured activities worry me too.