Withholding All Christmas Presents from a 6 3/4 Yo Boy.......

Time for some family therapy.
A specialist in child behavioral issues should be able to give you some good advice with how to handle his issues and give you some coping techniques.
What ever Grampa is doing - it seems to be working - ask him what he's doing and see if it'll work for you.

You've already decided because it's Christmas morning. I just want to comment that I know someone who did give her child (about age 5 at the time) coal for Christmas with a note from Santa on behavior and a way to earn the gifts later.

Her child is now in her late teens. She was not scarred for life and my friend says the drastic consequence finally got the message through to her child and the child's behavior improved dramatically afterwards.

Well looking at your last question and this response to me I would say family counseling!!

"Thanks so much for all your advice and input, except for "J. S." - quite frankly, she needs to be fed to the green piggies!! Really? I'm guessing that you never heard the phrase, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."?"

Should be fed to the green piggies? Seriously? Because you didn't want to hear my advice? So here you say either be nice or I don't want to hear it? Do you think perhaps your son is the same way? I don't want to hear what you say unless you say what I want to hear so I will put my hands over my ears? All I pretty much said was it was bad parenting threatening your child with their grandparents punishing them. All you want to do is damage his relationship with them. What parent does that?

That poor child needs help, you need help. Get professional help!

Oh and not being mean, sorry, I am worried about your son because it will only get worse and you haven't a clue how to parent properly.

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Per your millionth update: you chose to single me out the last time you asked a question because you didn't like what I was saying. If you didn't read, and probably listen, like the devil reads a bible, you would have seen my very first words, "Well looking at your last question". Or do you like to play dumb. Like you have no idea making threats you won't follow through with or saying his grandparents will punish him if he doesn't do what you want him to do is bad parenting? Why on earth should I say nice things to you, tell you that you are great and this poor child has all the issues? You are a self centered person who only wants to hear what you want to hear so guess what, your son learned from you.

Talk to your child's pediatrician. Get your family into family counseling.
Obviously the way you are parenting him is not working. You may need to learn some new skills as a parent that don't involve spanking or hitting your child in the mouth.

As a side note. I was involved in a very abusive relationship for a year. The one thing that REALLY messed with me was him smacking me and telling me it was "just to get your attention." Bullsh!t.
I know you THINK you are doing a good job, but what you are describing is abusive.

Okay, I can definitely understand the behavior issues but withholding Christmas presents won't work. He seriously won't draw the line between the two. It's his age. Also, it's extreme. What I would do is do Christmas like you normally do then start anew the day after Christmas. He has had a lot to adjust to. It's too much for his age. Here's what I recommend: give his Christmas presents, have a great Christmas, enjoy the day. Changing schools didn't help. He's sad about that I'm sure. He's having to adjust. It's hard. Give him his presents and work on the appropriate behavior changes the day after. Being an only child is hard when making friends. He's most likely acting out at home because it's his only release. He can't act out at school.....so kids do it at home. Be kind and loving. Give him his Christmas and work on behavior changes the next day. Never yell or hit. It has the reverse affect. Speaking to him at eye level is great. He's young.

I feel so very very sad for you and your son. What you've been doing isn't working. Time to try something else. Consider the way he's treated at school. The way the teacher treats him is abig reason he behaves there.

First read a book about child development, then one about parenting. I suggest Love and Logic by
I suggest your anger continues to push him away from you and learning how to behave. I urge you to get counseling to help you learn how to relate to him in a loving way. Love really does solvE problems. Teach him in a kind way. Let go of your anger. When you're angry with him, it's to be expected that he will be angry with you.

Please, please get help now. This situation will only get worse as he gets older.

Your son is too young to learn from punitized parenting. Show him love by giving him what he wanted. This will begin for him learning that you do love him even when he misbehaves.

A child's brain at this age is only able to respond to how they're treated. A child doesn't understand why you're angry. He doesn't understand that he needs to behave better. He feels unloved and unwanted. He doesn't know how to make you happy. He doesn't know anything but your anger. Please lighten up. Taking away things only makes him angrier. For every negative comment you make, make 5 positive comments. I suggest that if you don't make some changes in the way you treat him his behaviour is only going to get worse. Please, please learn how to discipline without anger. Please learn how to love the unlovable. Please get professional help.

Give him a big hug. Tell him you know he can follow the rules. Tell him both of you are having a difficult time right noq and it's going to get better. Tell him you love him again.

I could be way off here, but this is just my two cents ..

The kids I know who test their parents (and I have one), need to know their parent(s) is a rock, solid, has rules, and is consistent - more so than most kids.

I used to get upset when my son misbehaved and was disrespectful. Nothing worked that worked for my other kids. I thought it was him. He went to therapy (he actually asked) and I went too - same therapist. I was reacting to him. He was pushing my buttons and I was reacting - every time. Wrong thing to do. He liked the attention, he is my most intelligent kid (super brainy), and he was just figuring out how far he could go. He's very introverted and not great with people skills - so he was testing boundaries. I was losing it. I am a really laid back person, but not with him. I was pissed off. Then I was concerned. I'd discipline, then worry it was too much. I was inconsistent.

So I stopped. Entirely. I went to the laundry room when I felt like I was going to scream at him. And he got better.

I would strongly suggest family counseling. My kid was getting the message that he was a bad kid, and that's the last thing I wanted to do. They need to know you love them as is, that you're not going to take any nonsense. That's why they tend to be better with teachers and grandparents. Good luck

Well, I wouldn't go that route.
Honestly, I think the problem is your parenting. Hear me out... He behaves for everyone but you. Let that sink in. Something is different when he's with you than when he is with EVERYONE else.

That said, I have no idea what it is that is different about you versus everyone else. It's pretty difficult to suss out the entirety of a home environment in such a small snippet of information on a platform like this. Observing your interactions would certainly give much more insight. But that isn't possible, so you are going to have to figure out what is different. Observe him and others when he is with them. Don't speak, just observe and listen. Not just what is said, but how it's said. Tone. Volume. Intensity. Emotion.

My best guess is maybe read 1-2-3 Magic and see if that helps you at all. For many people, it gives you a good mirror to be able to see more objectively what you are doing (it can be extremely difficult to see how your interactions look from outside of your own view). From what little is posted here, it sounds like you may be overly emotional (high drama) when dealing with him and his poor choices. 1-2-3 Magic can help you take the emotion out of it and let you focus on the behavior of your son, and correcting it. Which, in the end, is all you really want. You don't want to punish him or make him feel badly about himself or anything else... you just want his behavior to change.

Good luck. If you don't find solutions here, or trying 1-2-3 Magic, maybe some family counseling may be in order to figure out what it is in your relating to each other that seems to prohibit his good behavior from shining.

A.,

Merry Christmas!

Your son knows what he can get away with with you and your husband. That's why he behaves the way he behaves. You have to change your parenting style and stop allowing him to behave this way. I know you are trying. We all do. However, what you are doing is not working.

You need a family counselor. Your son is very angry with you about this move. Right before this move is when his behavior changed, right? He might have been W. before that - but now? He basically tells you to eff off with his screaming and other tantrums.

You speak TO him. You don't talk WITH him. Are you listening to HIM and HIS worries. He might be screaming because that's the only thing he feels you DO hear. Stop talking TO him.

I'm glad to hear you decided to NOT go to the extremes.
Why aren't you doing anything about the new school? You can work with the teacher, you can work with the school and get him into a new class. If at the age of 6 your son knows he's not being taught? He KNOWS there's a problem. Fix it.

I wish you peace!

you've created a little monster, and now want to punish him in the most painful mean-spirited way you can think of, with the only goal being to try and force a single month of decent behavior out of him.
but don't want anyone to judge.
your 6 year old (3/4? really?) is not the problem here, snowflake.
khairete
S.

I read your whole post, but I'm responding specifically to your comment that he would rather go hungry than eat what's on his plate (kids, right?)

A close friend of mine has a son with autism, and we both love something his teacher said about dealing with his refusals. "I only have to wait me more minute than he does."

When our kids refuse to do what we say, it's normal for our minds to start thinking of a backup plan. Don't do that. Don't give him an alternative. He can eat what's on his plate or nothing. If he chooses nothing, so be it. When you tell him to get in the car and he doesn't want to, stand your ground. This is not up for debate. He needs to get in the car. My kids laugh because from the time they were little they heard me say, "This is not a negotiation."

And I agree that he doesn't need you to explain thins to him. Once you begin explaining, you become the teacher in the Charlie Brown specials, "Wah, Wah, Wah, wah ..." You're nothing but noise to him.

Remember, you only have to wait one minute longer than he does.

You want your child to respect you and act right because you tell him to, and because he knows how to act, not because he is afraid of Santa. I would suggest talking to his doctor and a family therapist to see if you can get to the bottom of his issues. Until then keep taking things away until he gets the hint, but maybe not Christmas.

Stop explaining things to him. Stop trying to get him to understand. If he doesn't want to listen to you, that's fine. You are the parent. You don't need a reason. Why does he need to get in the car when you tell him it's time to leave grandpa's house? Doesn't matter. You said it's time to go, so it's time to go. Period.

Please understand, I'm not saying that kids don't matter or that your child doesn't deserve a reason when he asks nicely. But he doesn't have to be on board with it in order to do it. You don't have to convince him that leaving grandpa's house (when he would clearly rather stay) is a good idea. If you say it's time to go, he needs to respect that.

We struggle with our 10 year old a bit on this. He can be a real snot. If we've already explained to him what needs to happen and he tries to say, "But why?" or tries to cover his ears or argue with us, I usually raise my voice a hair and say, "Now!" The thing is, he knows why. He just doesn't want to. I sometimes catch myself trying to convince him or answering his questions or engaging him in someway. Bad idea, because that's giving him the power. Nope, if mom says get ready for bed, get ready for bed! Now!

You keep looking outward regarding your son's behavior. This isn't going to help.
YOU, you and your husband, need counseling. Like, today.

You can't punish a child into behaving. I had parents (mom, stepdad) who tried that route. I don't have a relationship with my mother because her parenting was shitty and abusive. Hitting children doesn't teach them anything other than that you are the dominant person. At some point, he will be too old to hit. Or he may hit you back. You are creating an atmosphere of violence in your home and he may choose to act out on other children at some point, because you are teaching coercion instead of communication.

I'm not even going to tell you what you 'should' do, because A. I am not a witness to how the dynamic plays out and B. the only account we have of events is yours. But I have to wonder how much positive attention he's getting for what he does right, or for just being himself. I notice that when my son's behavior is ramping up, I haven't been giving him enough positive attention or spending time with him outside of conflict. He's nine. If you think 6 is hard, wait until 9, when they want to rationalize everything, argue their opinion, and direct things. You have to do a lot of biting your tongue and have a patient temper. I have to be in control of myself-- something that you don't sound like *you* are. If you cannot control your own temper, you won't be able to control a situation. That doesn't mean to dominate a situation or make someone do what you want, it means that you create a space for everyone to feel emotionally safe during times of conflict. You can say "I see your point, and it's still time for you to do XYZ, what do you want to do first? X, Y, or Z?"

My parents never got past the 'Incredulous that you would challenge my authority' part of parenting and believed that every action was an affront to their person, disrespectful. It's sad. None of their kids like them. Being dominated by a person isn't love, and kids know it.

Margie G had some excellent advice for you.

Just FYI - Julie S's comment was referring to your last question posted here, May 27 2014, about your son's discussion of "green piggies". In that question, one line said: "my husband threatens to call Grandpapa if B mentions the piggies". So, a few responses to that question (not just Julie S) inferred from that line that you were suggesting that "Grandpapa" is used as a punishment. And maybe that relationship with the grandparents relates to the behavior you are describing in this question (he behaves for his grandparents because they are sometimes used as punishment).

But that might have been a misunderstanding of what you meant in 2014 and in this question.

It's time to pick A(rather than several) discipline method, one which includes positive AND negative reinforcement, make sure he knows what to expect and ALWAYS ALWAYS deliver, no matter how inconvenient, embarrassing, leaving places immediately, etc., and STICK TO IT. My oldest was not an easy one in his younger years, but he learned to predict with 100% accuracy the consequences of his actions. The positive reinforcement can be very small(just a verbal praise is fine) but just be FREQUENT, catch him doing something, anythjng, right, and praise him - thank you for buckling your seat belt, you are always so good about that, etc. You have to also be careful about not making fake threats, the key is him being able to predict ahead of time...

Which brings me to Christmas. I think you'll regret your choice to cancel Christmas at that young of an age. His behavior has been this way for a long time from the sounds of it, and you're choosing today to give him an extreme consequence. Don't tie his behavior to Christmas and birthday presents, he needs to do as you say bc you're his parents and you say so. I think this will backfire on two fronts, he will learn to be good to get something and he will also be a very angry little boy - and I think you will live with regrets. Scale back some, or maybe make him wait til later in the day when he's had a chance to treat you with respect. Additionally, no more overnight with anyone until you get his behavior 100% in control in the home, then get the grandparents on board with the new method.

Good luck with your decision. It's clear to me that you are loving parents. I promise you it can get better - my oldest will be 14 on Monday and he is about the most pleasant and respectful teenager you'll find. Hugs to you.

A.,
I strongly suggest you get your son to a professional and have him checked out to see if he has any learning disabilities. This could be the cause of his bad behavior. He may have Asperger’s a high functioning form of Autism. People with Asperger’s do not know how interact socially with other people, because they can’t read other people’s subtle social cues, it is part of their disability.

First off? Don't tell me how I can respond to you. That set the tone right there.

this is YOUR son. YOU taught him how to act and behave.

You are SERIOUS that you believe his "I can't hear you!?" Girl YOU CREATED THIS MONSTER!!! YOU NEED TO FIX IT!!

What will fix it? Parenting classes and family therapy.

I'm glad you decided to not withhold his gifts. You have a bigger problem on your hands and you and your husband really need to learn how to parent your son effectively. What you're doing clearly isn't working, so you need to figure out what will work. Please stop acting violently towards your child - spanking and "popping" him won't make him respect you or teach him how to control himself. It will teach him that parents are unpredictably physically aggressive and will hurt him. There are better methods out there - I think it's great that you're talking to his school and a counselor. I think a good next step would be family counseling. A good family counselor can talk to you and your husband and your son, watch him with you and alone, and give you some ideas around what makes him tick and teach you and your husband about age-appropriate expectations and consequences.

This can be so helpful. My 12-year-old has been very tough to discipline and the past few months have been night and day for us in large part due to insight that his counselor has been able to share with me about how he sees the world, what makes him tick, what motivates him, etc. For example, he is wired to find conflict very satisfying. A good arguments scratches an itch for him, so he seeks out fights, both verbal and physical. If he starts in on a genuine argument (really angry and upset) for no good reason, I can re-direct him to something else stimulating (physical activity, playing piano or drums, listening to music). If he starts an argument because he's bored or for sport, I disengage. Before understanding him, I would argue back, things would escalate and he would end up punished and I'd end up angry. Now it's more like "OK I know this drill, let's shut it down as quickly and calmly as possible, I'm not letting him get to me." That's just an example of the kind of insight counseling has provided. There are other things the counselor and my son are working on that have really helped him turn around some negative attitudes and behaviors. He is doing better in school, our house is calmer and our family is much happier and more at peace because he is learning how to control himself and my ex and I are learning how to not make things worse.

I'd like to suggest that presents, gifts, and rewards like that should not be the goal. To give him a gift after a week of behaving politely is sending a missed message. There has got to be a more substantial, life-long reward. Those can be things like time spent with parents, a pleasant evening playing a game together, peacefulness in the home, a little freedom due to having earned your trust.

There are many times in life where we do what's right and don't get a reward, or a gift, or money. Think of the times that you are driving somewhere, and you obey the speed limit, observe the stop signs, stay in your lane, etc. While you might get a ticket for NOT doing those things, doing them means you get the freedom of driving, of independence, of being able to drive your car to meet your friends for dinner, etc. The police don't stop you for driving carefully and hand you money. Same with getting an education - someone in college studies hard, pays attention, shows up for class, not because they get a prize for the day, but because it means they'll be able to choose a career, get a good job, provide for themselves. You're kind of teaching your child that good behavior equals toys or electronics. Instead, teach him that good behavior means that mom and dad are smiling, you all get to go on a bike ride together, dad sits down and does a puzzle with him, mom doesn't have a headache, he lives in a peaceful home.

Getting his attention by a "pop in the mouth" certainly accomplishes that, but it would be better to get his attention by interacting with him, talking, joking, learning about something he's interested in, when he is NOT misbehaving. He may be feeding off this drama, seeing you so angry, seeing you react. Try completely ignoring him when he's misbehaving, and making eye contact and talking calmly when he's behaving.

If he's truly not learning anything, and if he has mastered the curriculum already, then enroll him in something. Karate, gymnastics, computer coding for kids online, whatever. Stretch his mind. Engage him.

And make sure to stress the difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is teaching, like saying to a 2 year old "before we cross the street, you will hold Mommy's hand so you will be safe". Punishment is "you let go of Mommy's hand so we will not be going to cross the street for ice cream. Next time if you continue to hold my hand we can cross the street and get that ice cream". And make sure you're not ever using words like "snot" or "pop you in the mouth". Stay calm, restrict him from viewing any reaction on your part, and explain what he did wrong. Make sure your rules are clear and concise, and understood beforehand. Post them in a prominent place. Establish the punishments.

I hope your whole family can get some counseling and help your son.

I saw this mom and little guy at the grocery store. She'd put a blanket on the bottom of the basket for him to sit on. While we were reaching for cheese, he stood up and tried to climb out. She told him to sit down. He replied that he wanted to go. She calmly said that the cart won't move until you sit down. He repeated himself and so did she. He sat down. Calm, easy, over. No negotiation, respectful on both sides, no tantrum, no anger.

Why did I tell you this? To show you that being in charge and having your child comply with your directions doesn't have to be a big noisy event. She gently corrected an unwanted behavior into giving him a way to receive what he wanted i.e. sit and we will move on. You can so see that this mom is calm, gives simple consistent directions, and is patient, on a regular basis. Good things to be.

Don't give up, you know your son is able to follow directions and behave correctly, it's up to you to begin to respond to him differently so he stops his struggle for power and complies. You can do this. Get whatever help you need. Your boy is worth it.

Don't put this on Santa or hold presents over his head. Change your approach to parenting! Read books or go to family counseling.