Why Wont It Happen...

Hi C.,

I know several women who have conceived after YEARS of infertility and trying. I'd love to share their stories with you and even introduce you to some of them. I would also like to mail you a very short, easy read book FREE that explains just how easy it is and why women are so commonly suffering from this. My friend Heather just got pregnant on her second month after not getting pregnant for 7 years. I know she would love to speak with you.

Call me! T. ###-###-####

C.,
My sister had polycystic ovarian disease and now has 2 boys 7 years apart. She was like you for a while in between pregnancies. I just want you to know doctors can be wrong. Not to say you don't already know that. Just don't give up hope.
Sincerely,
D.

Hello, I don't know if you are a religious person, I am but not a bible thumping nut case. I do have faith and I believe that if God truly wants you and your husband to have another miracle it will happen. If not, you need to realize that your daughter was your miracle and you need to spend your life raising that little girl to be the best woman she can be. She will give you grandkids and make you so happy. Also don't STRESS about it, when you relax is when it happens! Haven't you ever heard that when people adopt then they get pregnant! Because they weren't thinking about getting pregnant! Also, is adoption an option? There are a lot of kids out there who need a loving home and someone like your self who has so much love to give...... Hang in there and God works in mystery ways! Take care, K.

I used to have all of the same feeling you mentioned. I felt that the 'table' was set for four, and only three people were there. It seemed like no one understood this.

Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. Even though the couple already has a child, the couple experiences secondary infertility as the loss of a child, the loss of pregnancy, and the loss of childbirth.

Although over three million Americans are affected by the painful experience of secondary infertility, it generally remains an unacknowledged and invisible condition.

Also, it doesn't help that many people will say things like:
--you are so blessed with one already
--Being an only child is fine
--Why rock the boat?
--This has happened for a reason/it was meant to be

Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

All of this is combined with the fact that many men are not willing to go to great lengths to enlarge the family if it takes a lot of effort, heartache, and financial resources.

The emotional experience of secondary infertility often brings distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. Many feel distant from their friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting the first child are now linked to sensations of pain and jealously.

Couples often need assistance from professionals and/or support groups as they struggle with the turmoil of secondary infertility. Grieving what might have been is not an easy task, and couples often benefit from the contributions and support of others grappling with the same circumstances. If the grieving process extends for a long period of time, and symptoms of depression exist for more than six months, the help of a health professional with experience in reproductive medicine is crucial.

The ultimate goal is to grieve the loss of a child, decide to pursue medical treatment or alternative family building options, or to embrace the established family as it exists. We decided to go through fertility treatment, and when they were unsuccessful, we adopted a beautiful, healthy little boy in California 14 weeks ago. Personally, I wish we had skipped all the painful, expensive IUI and IVF treatments and adopted straight away.

Good luck. I put together a list of resources for you.

List of Resources:

Resolve, Inc. http://www.resolve.org

Live chat http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pssecondary

http://hopingforanotherbaby.blogspot.com/

Wanting Another Child: Coping with Secondary Infertility by Harriet Fishman Simons

Adopting after Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston

http://www.adopting.org/

Reproductive Endochrinoloy Asociates of Charlotte http://www.reachdrs.com/

Another message board: http://forums.fertilitycommunity.com/secondary-infertility/

Also, see my recommendation of a local adoption agency/social worker.

Taking Charge of Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston

Choosing Assisted Reproduction by Susan Cooper and Ellen Glazer

The Long Awaited Stork by Ellen Glazer

I'm so sorry you have to go through this my mother couldnt get pregnant either. Have you thought about adoption? I was adopted and I turned out just fine... their are plenty of children who need loving parents and with adoption you get a wonderful child minus 9 months of pregnancy morning sickness fatness, labor and delivery... sounds pretty good huh?

Hi C.,

I also have PCOS. With my first I struggled to concieve. My OB wanted to drug me up on all sorts of "cures" for PCOS and I did not agree to it.

A friend told me to go to a fertility center instead of a traditional OB. So I did. And now I have 2 children, a 4yr old and a 15 month old.

There are options out there, don't be reluctant to seek them.

In Nashville, I went to the Women's Center at Centennial Hospital.

At one time i too was having very late/or no periods. I was going to the dr. every 6 weeks taking their tests and it kept showing up as neg. until i was almost 4 1/2 months along. Then the dr. said i was either farther along than he could tell at that time or it was twins. I was just preg. from the beginning even though it was neg. reading. So go to the dr. and ask for an internal. Then if he/she says no, ask if the drug clonaphin could help.(not sure of the spelling but maybe you can break it down in syllables as clon a pen.) this drug is suppose to start you in 3 days if you aren't preg. It is a fertility drug i found out but it is suppose to be the safest one as the result would only be twins at the most. At least this is what i was given and it resulted in just 1 baby. My advice is just go on to the dr. and let them check and see. Then go from there. God bless you and good luck.

also give it to God. (after reading others responces the medicine may have been clomid instead of clonaphin. But it does like the others said. It is suppose to start your period but if you are preg. It won't.

Hey C. D... I just wanted to share my story with you and hopefully encourage you...
My son, now a healthy and vibrant five year old, was diagnosed by a number of doctors with a severe form of Down's Syndrome... Trisomy 18... Chase, my son, has never shown a sign or a symptom of having anything except the favor of God since he was two years old. Doctors said he would never walk or sit-up by himself or feed himself... He plays the guitar and dances like a rock star, he has a perfect heart and the sweetest spirit you ever want to know... I say all of this to say, God has the final say so in this life... God is the Author and the Finisher of our life stories... all he wants us to do is believe that He can make a thing happen, and it happens. I hate to simplify faith like this, but surely I am a livinig witness. When you desire something pure to love, God will not deny you... just believe that it is possible.... love the child you have fervently and God will do the rest. You have to ignore what the WORLD says and embrace what God promises us...not just life, but life more abundantly. I look forward to your post where you share the good news of what God has done for you!!

Hi C., sorry o hear about your strugles to get pregnant!! While it sounds like you know what's going on (ovaries...) you also might want to get your thyroid tested. I had a hard time getting pregnant w/ my 3rd and I truly think it was thyroid related. I have NO medical background and no real knowledge except regarding my own situation but I think thyroid is responsible for lots of problems including infertility. It took a long time to get my medicine regulated but I got pregnant very quickly once that happened. Just FYI... good luck!!!

C.,

Although I do not know how you feel I know some that do. I have several friends that took the route of adoption after trying yo have a baby on their own. Almost all of them got pregnant soon after adopting..I believe the stress may be holding you back. God works on his time, not on ours. Just start relaxing, enjoy the time with your daughter, and it will happen when God feels you are ready. Have faith!

I understand your frustration. We tried for over a year with my second, and it finally happened. I have a friend who was told that she would never have children, she has one!! Another friend tried for 5 years to conceive and she now has 2. Her advice to everyone is quit trying. When you relax it will happen. Have faith and pray, it will happen. I can name several of my friends that were told they would never have children and they do!!! Babies are miracles from God and if you have faith, he will supply!!

I realize that you are just venting and frustrated. But. If you know, and doctors have told you, that your chances are slim to none, my advice is to not beat yourself up over it. When you take test #16 and it comes up negative don't ask "why??". You know why. What you can do is say.. "well, time to try again!". I am a firm believer that our bodies respond to our mental and spiritual health - they all work together in my opinion. If you keep a chin up (hard to do, I'm sure) and just stay positive and focused - who knows what the possibilities are. And. If it never happens, well, then you haven't wasted years wishing for something couldn't happen. I'm sorry for your sadness and frustration and I wish you all the best of luck. Just make sure that you are losing out on the present, the here and the now. Appreciate that little girl that you wished for for so long (three years is a long time to wait!) and be content with what you were gifted with. You'll be suprised how things change with a satisfied mind.

I have Polysistic ovary syndrome too. They said slim to no hope for me. I now have 3 boys. The first 2 where clomid babies, the next was done all by ourselfs. Here's the trick, NO transfats (hydrogenated oil) it has been shown to be directly linked to irregular periods, remove them all from your diet, you have to read the small print, don't count on the nutrition box to tell you. I also removed all the food dyes, red #40, etc. and No High Frutose Corn Syrup, and eat as many raw, fresh fruits and vegetables as possible. In the two years that I have been teaching nutrition seminars, all the women that where tring to conceive have been able to change their diets and within about 6 -8 months. If you'd like more information, check out my mamasource business link.

Um...I just wanted to let you know that I took several tests because I was late. They all came back negative. I waited another few days and took a test again and this time it was positive

Hi C.

I know of other moms who want a child very much but it is not happening. My best advice is this. I will pray for you. And I would not listen to doctors or anyone who says you cannot because of a medical condition. God is greater than any medical condition a person can think of. So relax, do not force your body to get pregnant and pray. It will happen for you. Keep the faith. Just like you said you had your daughter you can have another child.

I had a miscarraige in May of 2007, twins. After that we tried and tried to conceive. I spent sooo much money on pregnancy tests! We went by fertility and ovulation calendars, the whole nine yards. Every month I hoped and every month I was disappointed. Like you, I felt maybe I was asking too much. I have two beautiful children from a previous marraige, a boy and girl, which I am sooo greatful for, but my husband now had no kids of his own and even though he is a wonderful father to my two I wanted him to have that exprience so bad. I work for a female doctor and I broke down one day and told her what I was feeling. She told me I was focusing on it too much. I had recently gotten married and had Christmas and everything coming up, she told me to focus on those things and a honeymoon, to enjoy my marraige, maybe even take birth control to prevent getting pregnant so that I could regain some level of sanity after the roller coaster of ups and down I had experienced that year. I listened to her, I didn't take birth control but I did focus my thoughts and energy on other things......I was pregnant the next month!! Everyone is different and it is possible your medical condition may require you to see a doctor to help you conceive, I can only share my own experience. Whatever you choose to do, good luck to you and know that noting is wrong with you! Many of us have been there and can relate!!

HI C.,
I know exactly how you feel. I have polycystic ovaries as well and I am 35 and never been able to have children. I still would advise you to relax and stop stressing so much on the issue. Go to the doctor to make sure nothing else is wrong- you do want to be around to see your beautiful daughter grow up. Even though I was not able to have any children, the Lord blessed me to be able to raise a child as my own. She is eight years old and my reason for living now. If it is meant for you to have another child, The Lord will bless you on His time, not yours.
Stay encouraged and be blessed!

check to see if this child has allergy problems..or sinistis problems...also may just need a drink..and a pat on the back to say yes we are here..and we love you...go to sleep so you can get bigger....

As oddly as this may sound, you are dwelling on the negative of not being preganant. Do me this favor and believe and feel as though you are once again preganant. I know its a stretch, but Im telling you as a believer there is NOTHING more powerful than the strength to think and believe. Be grateful for the daughter you have now, imagine yourself preganant and imagine as if you are already preganant. There is something standing in your way with all these negative energies and thoughts. I meditate everyday, and its the most calming sensation I have ever learned. This so called peace you recieve is nothing of the sort. Its the most calming and relaxing feeling I have ever had. Im not saying you should start meditating but maybe start trying to change your way of thinking. Instead of saying "why cant I get preganant?". YOu are obviously not going to get preganant. It may take some time and some frustration but stick with the now and here and see and feel and live like you are preganant once again. Im telling you the thoughts and feelings you put out into this world if they are real, will be unveiled to you in reality. JUST BELIEVE

C., I don't think you should worry about it. If you are a Christian I would say pray about it and let God have his way. He knows what's best for us. We can't see what the future holds for us. A lot of times we try and make things happen and we mess up. I would just pray, keep on loving and caring for you daughter and your husband and just keep you head up. It'll happen. Take care.

Hi C.....

I just had to reply to your post! Do you happen to have PCOS? That's what I was diagnosed with after trying for baby #2 for about a year. My husband and I had our first daughter in '98 and waited until she was about 3 before trying for another baby. After a year's worth of trying, we decided do check into why this was happening. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Both of my ovaries were covered in cysts. The gyn told me we had little chance of getting pregnant. I was so sad! She said that getting pregnant with my daughter was a one in one million chance that it could happen. But, it happened!

After my diagnosis, she decided to try putting me on Clomid, a fertility drug that stimulates the ovaries... well, I got pregnant the first month I was on the drug! I did however end up having a miscarriage with this one... again, I was so sad! So, I took a month off taking Clomid and the following month, I got pregnant again! Now, we have another daughter, born in '04!

Sorry for the long story! Hope this was helpful....

Please do not give up. I too have polysistic Ovaries but I have 3 boys to prove the theory of this disease wrong. I once watched a program on PCO. Katie Couric from the Today Show in NYC has it and they did a whole documentary. Anyway, keep up hope but don't pressure yourself. My bestfriend was trying to get pregnant for 3 years. She finally thought it just wasn't in the cards for her. Went on with everything else in her life not worrying anymore and she is now 4 months pregnant. Hoped that helped just a little.

Hi! I am a very happy mom and Just wanted to give you a little insight to what I believe. Like you said the doctors said that you had a slim to none chance of getting preggo the first time, but God made a way! You will get preggo again IF God wills it. Everything happens in HIS time not ours. Just pray to him. Talk through everything you are going through with our heavenly father, and in HIS time you will have that second baby. Hope this lifts your spirit!
D.

Good Morning C.! I'm so sorry you are hurting. I went through something similar myself years ago. After my first daughter was 2 I wanted to start trying for a second. We tried for three years and I had two miscarriages in that time. When my daughter was 5 I just finally came to the realization that she was enough. Just like the old cliche that when you stopping thinking about something it happens, I got pregnant with my second daughter about 6 months later. It can happen. Maybe all you need is to relax and refocus. You didn't mention whether you work outside of the home or how old your daughter is now. You obviously love children. Maybe you can find an outlet for that and share that love with children who are very much in need of it. Some things you could look into is volunteering at an elementary school (schools ALWAYS need volunteers even if your child doesn't go there), a church daycare, Big Brother/Sister, even at the children wings of hospitals. These activities can be more fulfilling than you can imagine right now. You don't know what your future holds but while your waiting, you could be making a real difference in one or more children's lives. I hope this was an encouragement to you. Hang in there and know that your present circumstances don't have to be the end of your dream but just the opening up of something much bigger for you. Have a wonderful day!

Dear C.,

My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation a few months ago. I have a wonderful 4 year old daughter and have been wanting #2 for some time. Due to job concerns, etc we kept beginning to try then deciding to wait, but about 1 1/2 years ago we started trying in earnest. My first child was conceived quickly and easily - the first month we tried. But this time - nothing. Months and months, and nothing. At Thanksgiving this last year (a few months ago) I went through just what you described. I was SIX DAYS late, and I am NEVER late. I was convinced I was pregnant, even though the tests said no. On the 6th day, I started my period and I was HEARTBROKEN. I wept and cried and mourned. I thought it was never going to happen.

I have to say that despite that, last September, I had made a decision to let go of this and give it to God. It is a highly personal thing and only you can sort it out, but it helped me to just finally let it go and tell God and myself that I would be grateful for the one that I have (I know you already know this, you said it in your post).

The happy ending to my story is that the very next month, I DID get pregnant and I'm now 13 weeks. After my heartbreak I did not want to believe it, and when I was one day late I actually took the test NOT to see a positive, but to go ahead and get the negative over with so that I did not have to go through November's up and down heartbreak again. But this time - two lines popped right up. I couldn't believe it, after months of despair.

All I want to tell you is that you are not alone. I understand the fear and worry and heartbreak. Don't feel guilty about not being "grateful" for #1. It is not wrong to desire another child - they are so wonderful! I will say a prayer for you, I believe that God knows what he is doing. Those months were hard and terrible and I do hope that your story will have a happy ending...

The only advice I would add is don't avoid the doctor - go see him/her and be very clear about what you want. With amazing modern medicine, you hear incredible stories of "against the odds" all the time! Good luck!

I was in the same situation as you. I too have polycystic ovarian syndrome and at any given time have 2 or more cysts on my ovaries (conirmed by countless u/s) I was told I would need fertility drug to get pregnant one day. My first marriage (which lasted 2 years) we tried the entire time and I did not get pregnant. My husband was even tested to see if he was the problem and he was not. It was me. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to adopt. Well, long story, but we divorced and 2 1/2 years later I remarried. I instantly became pregnant and we were using protection!!! I think God just has his own timing! :-) Now I have a beautiful baby girl. As for you, this is my suggesstion as was told to me by countless OB/GYNs. Go on the BC pill for a few months to shrink your cysts. Then come off of it and try to conceive then. With your cysts shrunk or temporarily gone, you should be able to become pregnant again. Like I said, I have received this same advice from numerous OB/GYNs. I am not a fan of BC pills, but if I wanted another child that badly, I would do it in a heartbeat. It puts you on hold for a few months, but gives the hormones time to shrink those cysts, the whole reason you are having trouble getting pregnant in the first place. That is my personal opinion with professional advice backing it up. Let me know what you think about that idea. Good luck!!!

M. M.

I know it's easier said than done but you must try not to obsess about it. Relax and enjoy the great family you have now. I have heard a lot of women say that once they relaxed and stopped focusing on it then they got pregnant. Perhaps you should go to the doctor and get more of a definitive answer. Just because you may not be able to get pregnant again does not mean you cannot parent another child. I had both of my ovaries removed due to fibroids and cancer before age 27. It took time and counseling to work through my infertility but once my husband and I did we were able to move forward and adopted the most beautiful 16-month-old baby boy from Russia. That was 4 years ago. Sometimes I feel as though I would like another child but another adoption is not financially fesable at this point so I just focus my attention on my wonderful little boy and my husband. I have come to the realization that my little boy will be fine if he ends up being an only child. I also realize that even though I am almost 39 we still have a few years to decide if we want to adopt again as we could always adopt an older child too. I think a lot of it is realizing that you are not "trapped" that there are other options out there for you to build or expand your family. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Sometimes, the HARDER we want something, the MORE it gets pushed....farther and farther away.

Unfortunately, the key to getting what you want, is to NOT want it so much! Crazy, huh?

My advice: Give up on the whole thing and get on with your life, which is unfolding at a rapid pace in front of you. Grieve, go through the loss, and move on. Give your daughter a mom who is PRESENT for her.

Only God knows what will happen after that... :)

Good luck,
C., RN

I don't if this help but I have PCOS. It took 31/2 years and I do not know how many pregnancys test to get pregnant. So I know how pain that can be. I went two specially.After the second specially I got pregnant with taking drugs. I guess my advice is try a specially or an other specially and see if you can get in a support group. And I would also pray about it. It help me.
D. B

I know how you feel and it can really get you down. After I had my 2 kids which are 19 months apart we knew we wanted another one. I did have alot of problems with my 2nd one due to she had to be a c-sec and was not breathing when they pulled her out. It took about 5 minutes to bring her back thank the Lord he let her come into my life. I started to try for #3 around almost 2 yrs later. My periods were late like yours which for me I am never late always on time. I would wake up and go alright today is a great day. Well needless to say I was never pregnant and started to think something was wrong with me. My husband went and got tested to see if he was fine and then I got tested to see if there were any problems. We both checked out fine so the question is What is wrong with us and why can't we have another baby? My son really wanted a brother bad so when he was 5 1/2 yrs old, he would say a little prayer in his bed for me. Well can I tell you within 2 months I was pregnant. I give God the glory and my son for saying those prayers. It took me 3 yrs to finally get pregnant but it happened. I know it is hard to give advice on something like this but what I did was just tell myself that it was not for me to have anymore children and then not worry about anymore. The worry can really play on you and wear you down. I do wish you good luck and keep your faith that God does everything for a reason and he will bless you when he feels the time is right. Take care

C. D,

I too have PCOS and let me tell you i know how you feel. When i got married it was all we could think about and it never happened, and when my hubby passed of cancer, i thought there must be a reson!! And for years after that i tried and tried and tried and cried just as much. But then i made some changes in my life and said i give up, all the doctors say i will not be able to have a baby, let me look at other alternatives. So i moved from Jersey to NC in Jan of this year and said a fresh start. And let me tell you on a hospital visit for broncitus i was told i was pregant!!
I say this to say, stop thinking about it (yes it is hard to do) and let God have it. When i stopped thinking and harping about it it happened. I was late and said, o well not geting my hopes up and when on with it. But danced the jig when i came out the ER.
Pray on it and then let it go. Email me back and we can talk i am here for you as i know your pain all too well. And i know our PCOS sisters do too. it is not easy, but it is dooable. Forget all about it, really and it will happen.

Be blessed
Erin-J.

C. I believe you both are great parents. There is nothing wrong with you, never think such a thing. I believe that whatever God has for you is for you. You must trust him and believe God will work it out. Once you become comfortable and accept what God allows, that is when your blessings began to flow. There is a time and a season for all things. Your season will come. Always be thankful for the things you already have and before you know it, the other blessings will be there. God Bless. Lynn H.