Why Does My 13Yr Old Continue to Lie and Not Listen?

She is afraid of the consequences so she lies to get away from doing it. Maybe the tone in which it is said is causing her to do so (accusatory, demanding, etc) She wants you to start trusting her. Take away privileges if you need to.

What is your discipline for her when you catch her in a lie?

Some of the things are pretty petty like the door being closed. Really who cares... if she gets cold at night let her get cold. She is 13 not 3 sweety.

With the homework.... there are things called natural consequences. If she doesnt do her homework then she will get a Fail.

Also give her a choice when she wants to do her homework. You could say "I know you have h/w this weekend. When do you think the best time for you to do it would be?" HELP HER COME UP WITH A TIME SHE THINKS IT IS BEST FOR HER TO DO HER H/W. Its all about teaching her to do what she thinks is best for her. This is a life lesson with any decisions she needs to make about whats best for her. We are not here to telll them what to do but HELP guide them into making right choices for themselves.

BUT you have to hold her to her word when she makes a choice for herself. If she says she wants to do her h/w on Saturday night for instance then remind her that she chose to do her h/w at a said time.

I think your talking about my daughter, from not listening to not taking her meds saying she did but she didnt and telling me she did her h/w or has none but then Monday morning i see her rushing through it. My daughter is almost 11 and she is at the top of her class. We are at our witts end with all of this. I think my daughter is asking for a spanking, it has been a while and usually she gets one and is great for a while. I think they just want to know their boundries and limits. Good Luck your not alone.

Do you ever pay any attention to her? Besides telling her what to do all the time? Give her some positive feedback on something. Spend time with her, instead of yeling at her to WASH THE DISHES!! Say hey Mary, Will you wash these please, I'll dry.
Buy her some candy canes for her friends, so she can give them something, OK not this year but maybe next year. Or at VAlentine's Day.
Talk to her at night. Have her show you a piece of homework and compliment her on getting it finished and how neat it is, how correct it is, how it's nice to see her working hard to get good grades. Dont' attack her grammar just yet or misspelled words, wrong math problems, get into a habit of checking her work because you are interested in what she is doing.
Give her love when she gets home. Give her a hug and say Hey honey how was your day? Then listen or if she just says OK lead her into converstion about dinner, Christmas, or whatever. .
Maybe have Daddy take her to the movies, Dawn Treader, Harry Potter.
She still needs you and she is trying to get you to pay attention to her. You are right these little things are petty, but will become bigger.

Why should a 13 yr old be different than anyone else? People lie to get out of a difficult situation unless they've learned the consequence of lying.

My 14 yr old has her own issues that we've been working around - but I have to constantly remind myself that although they appear to be grown-up and capable of doing many things on their own they are still kids. She's only been on the planet for 13 years. She hasn't really learned the true nature cause & effect. As for medications I have to make sure she takes hers - I bring it to her in the morning with a glass of water.

We recently had to tighten the boundaries on our 14 yr old becuase we learned about things that show she's been having a tough time making good decisions. So - she's limited to seeing certain people only when we are around. My husband has been taking her to saturday morning breakfasts - just the two of them, I've been trying to concentrate on her so she knows what we expect, and how proud we are when she makes the right decisions and when she handles the difficult stuff well.

It seems to come in fits & spurts - she'll be really responsible and do lots of good things for a while - so we think that "she's got it" - she's doing well and we relax our watchful eye, and allow certain priviledges - then we come across these poor decisions and we have to tighten things up. I think it's just the nature of it all. Just like babies learning to walk or toddlers learning to feed themselves - sometimes they get it right and we clap and tell them how proud we are - and sometimes they fall or throw the spaghetti on the floor and we have to come along side them and correct them. It's just so much more difficult when they're teenagers!!!!

I have to keep remembering that they need to be told the same thing about 1000 times before it sinks in, that they are going to make mistakes, and it's our job to correct them in a helpful way and direct them towards the the right way to do things. And bottom line - I try to remember to tell my kids how proud I am of them when they do positive things and and let them know my expectations in advance so they have a standard to rise to. but ultimately - this parently stuff is really difficult!!

Well, the simple answer is because she's 13! However, that's not very helpful, but it is normal adolescent behavior. What do you do when you catch her lying? She should get grounded or lose some type of privilege, but don't go overboard and be nit-picky. Don't be a nag -you'll have plenty of real issues to demand the truth about over the next 5 years.

Forget the whole door thing -it is probably simply caused by shifts and drafts in your house. The door to my youngest child's room won't stay "cracked" -it falls all the way open unless you shut it completely. Most homes have this type of issue. Plus -at 13, she should be allowed to have her door closed unless it's some type of punishment! She can determine if she's cold or not! Teen girls crave and NEED privacy.

Why does it matter so much when her homework is done as long as she does it in time? I know I certainly don't want to do any more work and I never wanted to do homework on a FRIDAY! It's the end of the week! Give her a break unless she's not turning in assignments on time. Friday evenings should be fun and for blowing off some steam after a full week -not coming home and doing MORE work.

Make bathing a daily rule. I don't get a 13 year old girl not wanting to do this, but I know it's a common boy problem and evidently some girls have issues with it too. Make a consequence for not bathing daily like losing a day of tv time or something.

Most kids and teens have to be asked or told a few times to get with it on chores. If you want to put up a chore list/chart, you can. List the stuff she's required to do and let her know the consequence if they aren't done by a certain time. You can "remind" her if you see time is getting close, but after a few times of losing a privilege or something because she didn't do them in a timely manner, she'll probably get on board pretty easily.

The candy canes -well -you didn't see her take them. Maybe she took them, maybe not. I would be very careful about accusing her of it if she says she didn't. How do you know your little one didn't do something with them? My 2 year old is a candy cane fiend!

For homework, she needs to sit at the table and do it right after school. If she complains, you simply have to tell her she has been lying about it, so she loses privileges of doing it unsupervised. But if she can follow it for a week, then she can crate her own schedule for doing the homework, so long as she gets it down before Sunday night.

For meds, she has to take it in front of you every morning.

For her chores tell her "you need to start your chores in 5 minutes, I'm setting a timer when it goes off, you need to be here or you will lose computer/phone/tv time for the day."

For her bedroom door, I would let things like that slide. It's her personal preference. It's actually safer to have the door shut in the event of a fire or emergency as well. If her room gets very cold, you can purchase small space heaters that automatically turn off if knocked over and that can be set on timers.

For showering, talk to her about her hygiene in a calm, sit down conversation, and how it's important for her to shower in a timely manner so she won't be late for school and make others wait on her...

When she took the candy canes, she needs to replace them somehow by buying another box and losing a privilege.

I would say the majority of this is normal, you just have to be firm and help her learn how to follow a schedule and set priorities, and she has to have consequences as well. But she also needs lots of positive attention and getting 'caught' and 'praised' for doing good things as well. She needs a place where she can thrive.

The age 13 sucks...at least it did for me. Girls show opposition to adults (especially their mothers) pretty regularly from what I remember. I don't recall taking things like candy without permission. Why would the candy be your younger childs and not hers as well? Can you see from where I sit that there might be some resentment that one child has something that the other (even though she is older) does not?

The pills for her medical condition should be kept where you can see them. Why don't you take your vitamin/meds with her. Do it as a Mother/Daughter thing. Spend time with her alone. 13 sucks and it isn't fun when you feel different and don't know why (puberty, jealousy, medical condition). You will always have issues with her if you don't immerse yourself in what she is going through.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we (as Mothers) need to be examples for our daughters. Don't jump on her with frustration, talk to her like you would like her to talk to you if something was bugging her. If she makes it difficult try another avenue or, take her to see someone. Remember however: BEING 13 SUCKS!

I think she needs more space, more responsibility for herself, and more control over her own life. She's fighting you on everything because that's the only way she feels like she has some say in her life. Give her more opportunities to take the lead. If she wants a closed door that will make her cols, it's her choice. If she wants to do her homework Sunday night (as long as it's done before bedtime) let it be her choice. Fighting a teen for power is just going to get worse. Work with her to give her more control over her decisions.

As a special Education teacher and mother of 3, 1 was ADHD, 1 ADD and 1 LD it is hard to say without knowing what she is on meds for but I will give it a shot. The meds, stand there and watch her take them, then check her mouth to make sure she swallowed the pill. When you tell her to do something and she doesn't after the first time get up go to her and ask did she hear you and if she says yes then march her behind down the stairs and make sure she gets on those chores, and stay till she finishes. After a few times of doing that she will get the message and move when you tell her to do something. As far as not cleaning herself in the shower, go in and wash her up, let her know that since you can't trust her to clean herself you will make sure she is not going out stinky and making you look like a uncaring mother. That should get her to wash herself properly, no 13 year old want mommy giving her a bath like she is a baby. As far as takeing the candy canes I would have called the school and left a message for the teacher so that you could have caught her in the lie then made her tell the class what she had done. Sometimes embarrasment cures the problem. Then let her know because she lies so much you will have to verify everything she says. The homework situation, get the teachers email and check that way or an assignment book that you sign when she has done the work and the teacher signs to make sure she has written down the assignment she needs to do. You must check it daily and if she is not writing the assingments down take away something she likes until she does what you ask. If she knows that you and the teacher are working together she won't be able to lie about that. Also check her bookbag daily or at least Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then change it up sometimes so that she never knows when you will go through the bag. As far as the door closed at night, according to the fire department it is better to sleep with the door closed because if there is a fire the smoke won't come in the room as fast if the door is closed. If she is not cold then don't worry at 13 they needs a little privacy. As long as she is not on the phone, computer or watching TV till 4am don't worry about the door. I hope this helps

Lying is definitely a part of human nature. She is normal even if this behavior is unwanted. There has to be an entire host of tricks you can pull out of your hat to make it not worth her time to lie and make it worth her while to comply.

As for the door, take it off the hinges and put up a curtain for her privacy instead. Her actions definitely warrants that. No words needed here.

As for the candy canes, lunch money is taken away or some other kind of swift and immediate punishment or doing some kind of work around the house to make up the money lost and replacing the candy canes.

You must not allow the inmates to run the asylum. Different things work with different kids. One of the kids in my house would respond positively if I put their secret out of the closet and out in the open. Meaning family, friends, teachers, everybody knew this kid both stole and lied. Embarrassment works on some.

Also positive reinforcement works too. When she does something right, praise is neccessary. I just believe making an example of her will be helpful in raising your little ones too. Go over the top with whatever you do. Extreme parenting is fun for the parent, feels horrible for the kid but gets a better kid in the end.

Hi D.,
I totally agree with S E. :)
Teens want to be in control of their lives, and their mothers trying to control them make them rebel more. Take a minute or two to look at yourself constructively first. Are you too controlling? This may or may not be the case, just something to check first. Always check yourself and your behavior before wondering what's wrong with others. :) (this is hard for me to remember too!)
So why do you care if her room gets cold at night? She's the one sleeping in it. If it gets too cold she'll leave the door open. Does it really matter if she does her homework on Friday rather than Sunday as long as she gets it done? I remember in school that after a weeks worth of studying I just wanted a break. Maybe talk with her and see when she'd like to do her homework. If she says Sunday, pick a time together and see if she sticks to it and gets it done. If she doesn't then she has to live with the consequences and that teaches something as well. :)
As for the meds, you might have to bring it to her with a glass of water. I have to even do that with my husband's cholesterol meds. :) If I nag him he gets irritated and sometimes will tell me he took it just to get me off his back. He doesn't mean to lie exactly its just that he's planning on taking it when he brushes his teeth or something later. ;) :)
Anyways, I think this is normal. Teens want more control over their lives, and we don't want to give it up because we don't want them to make mistakes. Unfortunately if we don't give them control and let them make "some minor" mistakes they'll never learn how to be an adult and make decisions. Its so hard to let them grow up!! :)