Who's Right? Me or My SIL?

Too much drama. Birthdays just aren't that important. You say you haven't liked her for years. When do you plan on letting it go, whatever IT is? Someone has to make the first move.

Well it was pretty rude of her to leave you guys out, BUT,,if in all these years youve both been inviting eachother to get togethers, and you STILL dont like eachother, whats the point of inviting eachother? Why should anyone have to continually invite someone they dont like to a party? Stop inviting her. She wont invite you, and it all comes out even in the end. Not nice for a family, but you are barely family now anyway.

This is up to the brothers, not the wives.

Sounds to me like the wives are ruling the roost, and since they don't like each other, they are sticking their fingers in each other's eyes. One by inviting and expecting, and one by pointedly ignoring.

There's a huge chasm between you all. And it should be up to the guys to solve. Instead of you being the cruise director for your husband, he needs to deal with it himself. I second what B says.

Dawn

they can invite who ever they want. just cuz you feel obligated doesn't mean she does. so i'd take it as a free pass and don't invite them : )

Don't waste your time wanting to be right, and don't waste your time being obligated anymore. She did not HAVE to invite you. Should she have out of courtesy? Probably. You have to understand, that neither of you are actually obligated to invite each other. Stop inviting her and let it go. It really is a massive waste of time for you to focus on this.

I think you should just forget about it and move on. You know how she feels about you and your husband. Let her be petty. Let it pass like water off a duck's back. Your BIL's saying it was a surprise is even more reason not to blame him.

Its pretty hard to get ahead, if you spend all your time trying to get even.

Good luck to you and yours.

So, your husbands brother and his wife had a party for his brother's birthday and you weren't invited. Big deal! It's not like they invited the whole rest of the family and purposely left the 2 of you out! They simply got together with some friends. One of them happened to be a cousin! They didn't have a big "family celebration" without you! Are the rest of the family as upset they weren't invited either?

It sounds like you are just being picky and looking for more reasons to not like her. I doubt very much if you would be happy with anything your SIL does. You don't like her and will always find fault with anything she does!

You have already said that neither of you actually like each other or enjoy each other's company, so why make an issue of it? If it was your husband's brother's birthday, than I say it is up to your BIL to decide how to spend it and who to spend it with - and maybe he is more apt to side with his wife than you and your husband. He probably already knows you both don't like each other and did not want to have to spend his birthday in such a tense situation - not really much of a fun celebration for him, if you look at it from his point of view. Your husband could have taken his brother out for lunch or whatever - just the 2 of them.

You cannot control the actions of other people so I would stop expecting your SIL to make the same choices that you would make. Learn to live with the fact that she's going to do what she wants to do, and not let it affect you so much. Family may come first for you, and that's very noble and all, but why keep extending yourself and being more considerate of someone who obviously doesn't hold the same ideals? Especially when you don't like each other or like spending time together anyway? Let this one go, and consider yourself a wiser person because of it.

I don't think it really matters who was right or wrong. It is clear that you are the more mature person in this scenario. You will never like each other, so I'd keep on taking the high road (inviting her to family events) & stop letting her get to you. Your DH should take his brother out to dinner & not rely on anyone else to make those plans for him, from now on. It is, what is, so let it be.

I think you are overreacting. If you don't get along then why would she want to spend her evening with you? Why couldn't they spend it with friends? I don't think dinner is considered a party either. I love my SIL but wouldn't invite her and BIL to dinner for my husbands birthday(his BROTHER) I would probably ask friends of ours..people we socialize with when we have time. How is your husband taking his bro out for his bday inviting yourselves and why would you have to go? I take my sis out to lunch every year for her bday and I never take my husband and I don't feel I am inviting myself ..again to what? I think you don't like her and she doesn't like you so she probably wants to keep contact to a minimum. Get over it. Its not as big of a deal as you think you just don't like her and want to find more reasons not to I bet she doesn't give what you do a secound thought. Don't give her a secound thought.

I think the brothers need to decide how connected they want to be.
It could be they are growing apart and life is taking them in different directions.
Not all siblings stay close.
I don't think this should be a tug of war between you and your SIL.
If the brothers want to get together - they should just do it and not leave all the planning to the women.
That's why guys go on fishing/golfing/etc trips.
If the brothers don't want to see each other unless someone else is planning it for them then it doesn't sound like they are that interested.

Honestly I would just stop trying to play so nicely and stop forcing the issue. Sorry but they don't need to spend his birthday with you and your husband if they don't like you. Likewise, stop inviting them to things if you don't want them there. It doesn't sound like his little birthday thing was like everyone in the family EXCEPT you, it was three couples and you weren't one of them.

My husband and his brother don't get along, and if my BIL's SO was on fire I'd think twice before dumping a bucket of water on her. We don't invite them to anything and vice-versa. If it's a big family dinner and everyone not being there will distress the extended family then we all go and play nice but if it's just something small, no thanks!

Stop the birthday thing - celebrate with people you actually like.

While it would have been nice for them to invite you, it is his birthday therefore his decision as to who he invites to his celebration.

It is okay to be offended because you were snubbed but inviting yourself to a party where you weren't invited would have been the wrong thing to do.

If she's this awful, why would you want to go anyway?

Oh man - she's a waste of your time and energy....

She doesn't have the same family values - core values that you have.

Do NOT stress over her and do not give her any face time. In the future - do NOT invite them to events unless it's family only...be cordial. be nice. that's all that is expected.

Stop wasting your energy on a person that is a self-centered snot nosed brat. She is probably getting off on the fact that you are upset. do not give her that power!

You should not have invited yourselves. And you should not bother being offended. Since you do not like her, you should be happy you did not have to spend that time with her. I think if it were me I would not waste my time thinking so much about her or what she does. You sound like you are much more family oriented and she is more selfish and just be happy you didn't have to hang out with her. Don't be upset and feel slighted. I feel bad for your husband but he is an adult and should talk to his brother about this himself if he wants to. It seems to me that it is often the wife who distances her husband from his own family. My stepmom does this with my dad. She is would rather they spend the money and time visiting with her two daughters and so my dad never gets the chance to visit my brother and I. But he could speak up. He could have some balls and do something about it, but he does not. Your BIL is the same. He can speak up to his wife and say he wants his brother to come, but he does not. This is his own problem (being wimpy) and sadly, it affects your husband. I would stay out of it...at least you won't have to spend time with an annoying woman.

I'd take this as an opportunity not to feel obligated to invite them to everything from now on! Sounds like she did you a favour if you don't like her. Sensible to avoid one another.

Yes, I think you are wrong. Your family member that suggested your husband call his brother was on the right track. I don't think they were talking about a foursome. Two brothers, who love each other in spite of their wives differences, have the right to spend a little time together without all the friction that appears to be the case when all of you get together.

Why would your husband's brother and his wife want to come to your home knowing that the only person there that likes or welcomes them "sincerely" is your husband?

You were NOT wrong in NOT inviting yourselves....that would be tacky.

How does this family rift affect your husband's parents?

Blessings....

I would have invited your brother-in-law over to your house for cake and beer.

There's no "should" with the invitations like this. They were so casual that there weren't any obligations. It would be nice if they reciprocated and did things the way you do, but they just don't and if you expect them to then you're setting yourselves up to be disappointed.

If they had a big family party where other siblings, parents, mutual friends were all invited and you were the only ones left out then my answer would be much different. These were intimate affairs so they can pretty much do whatever they like.

Too be honest if it was my SIL and we really didn't like each other, I wouldn't have invited you guys either.. I'm just being honest... I want people around that my husband and I get along with... Too me, family or not if we don't get along, you won't get the invite.. BUTTTTTT, my question is: is your husband and your BIL close??? If so, that could change my answer just a little...

I think you both have points. Your husband should just call his brother on the phone on his birthday and say let's go out to eat and leave the wives at home. It must be hard for them to put up with all the tension between the two of you ladies. I think we aren't meant to like everyone.

No, you should never invite yourself. If they had a big party where all the family but you was invited, you would be right to be offended. However, these do not sound like parties, they sound like small birthday dinners, perhaps with people that they socialize with often - do you socialize with them a lot? Perhaps the cousin invited them out to dinner to celebrate the birthday. Do you usually get together with them for birthdays? If your husband wants to celebrate his brother's birthday, why not invite the brother and SIL out and treat them to dinner? They are not obligated to have a birthday dinner with you. I could understand feeling left out if there was a big family party and you were not included.

Neither of you are right - she is not right for not inviting you and your husband, but you are also not right for expecting her to do something that is just not in her nature. You say yourself that "I put family first and she puts herself first, we have VERY different views on life,family, children and friends". Right or not, she is who she is, and you shouldn't expect her to act like you would. Concern yourself with your own actions, and don't let her actions change what you do. I applaud you for inviting her to your home despite your feelings for her, and hope you continue to do so; otherwise, you'd just be compromising your own values.

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Could it be that you are both right, and both wrong?

As you observed, you put family first (and make an apparently teeth-gritting effort to include her), while she puts herself first (and has demonstrated that yet again). You're just being who you are. She's just being who she is. No matter how chivalrous your intentions are, all your efforts at including her may, to her, feel more like you're trying to trap or obligate her into a cycle of reciprocation. And she is clearly saying no.

As unsatisfying as this event was for you, I must say that I have a mother and a sister who are perpetually trying to ingratiate themselves into my life to a degree that I find extremely uncomfortable, and a few years ago, I finally simply started refusing to let that happen. I'm sure they feel unloved, disrespected, rejected, and so forth. I somtimes hear angry murmurs from them to that effect. But I simply had to stop the insincere gamesmanship that was really not making anything better, and for me, becoming harder and harder to take.

Now, that could mean I'm just in it for my own selfish satisfaction. That could certainly be one spin my family members could put on the situation. And it's true, too, that while I'm utterly crazy about certain family members, I simply never learned to "feel family" in the same way I hear others describe. Is this my fault? Could it be because of a lack of warmth from my mom in my early years? Is it something like color-blindness – some people can see green and some simply can't? I'll never have those answers, but I have had to give up feeling guilty over it.

I feel sad that your hunny got left out of this celebration with his brother. But the birthday guy shouldn't really have to be the one arranging his own event, and your husband could easily invite him out for a celebratory evening, even if late. With just the two of them there, there would probably be fewer negative vibes floating around, and they can relax and enjoy their time together.

That's completely different than "inviting" himself or the two of you to a planned celebration. It's planning a celebration for himself and the birthday boy. It's a form of gift giving.

I hope your husband manages to work something out and not hold a grudge.

what? I would be HAPPY! You guys don't even like her. Next time have your hubby take his bro out for a beer and leave it at that! Good luck.

You are not wrong for not inviting yourself. She was wrong for not inviting your husband but what can you do. You can't pick family.

She is certainly rude when it comes to family standards. I wouls send my husband and his brother out for some sort of their own celebration (mini golf, strip club, whatever.) Think of your present to the brother as not insisting upon the social strain of having you and his wife together. I would continue to extend the invite addressed to "The Brother-in-law Family" for family occasions like a kids birthday, but don't include them in plans for your birthday. Consider it a present to yourself.

Neither one of you are wrong or right. You are all grown adults and can make whatever plans you want.

All it was, was going out to dinner, no big deal. If you really wanted to do something for him, then yes, I do think that you could have called and invited him out to dinner with you and your husband. That would not be inviting yourself, it would be inviting him and her.

I think your other family member is right, in that yes, you and husband should have made plans with him IF you REALLY wanted to do something with him. But, not doing anything for his birthday isn't wrong either, since you told him happy birthday. My side of the family only celebrates the kids's birthdays, where as, my inlaws still celebrate everyones birthdays. Every family does it differently, so now you know to make plans with him for next year!!

You are right and I'd stop inviting their family to your gatherings. Make them call you to see what's going on - just like the other family member said about what your husband should have done.

After all the bs drama from his brother's family... I'd just avoid them like the plague - but still give gifts to their children on appropriate holidays.

She didn't call you or invite you all because she chose not to. It's her choice. It's your choice to get upset. Since you aren't close with her, and don't like her all that much I wouldn't get so upset that she didn't invite you. If your husband has an issue, he needs to deal with it. Although in my family none of us really invite each other, we just assume we are invited because it's a family event. If they can't make it, it's no big deal. Don't spend all of your time focused on this issue. It exudes negativity.