Who Throws Showers?

I personally think that people blow this stuff way out of proportion. If the people who love the bride or mother to be want to throw her a shower, I say "YAY!"

For those who don't approve....don't attend.

Yeah, I would not throw a shower for myself, but other than that, WHO CARES? I dont know why so many women get themselves all twisted up about who is "supposed" to do what; its all just another brand of judging each other. So, if someone invites you to a shower and you are offended because its the "wrong" person throwing said shower, you should consider that you just dont like the person enough to celebrate with them in this way and dont accept the invite. Because if you liked the person and genuinely were happy for their special occasion, you would not care who was throwing the actual shower.

LOL, the one with "sucker" stamped across her forehead! I've hosted two baby showers and will never, ever do it again. Between greedy friends and a momzilla whose shower cost a fortune (she doubled the anticipated guest list and changed it to being a meal), I've had it.

I don't think it matters anymore who hosts. Seriously, it's just the person who can tolerate the role from both a time and financial standpoint.

I believe that if you look in any etiquette book, it will agree that it is not "proper" for a woman's family to host a shower whether it be bridal or baby. That being said, not every situation fits into a neat little package with a pretty red bow. Sometimes, tradition or etiquette have to be sacrificed for people.

For example, I hosted the baby shower for my sister when she was pregnant with her first child 19 years ago. Why me? Because she was 20 years old, not married very long, had pretty much lost close contact with the girls she was friends in high school with which I also suspect would not have been able to afford to host a shower for her. So I, her older sister hosted a very small gathering at my house so that she could experience the joy of having her baby celebrated just like any other woman that has sorority sisters to spare who can throw her a shower. Was it tacky? I guess so reading some of the other responses. But, that's ok, we are all entitled to our opinions.

That being said, I think it's important to remember that etiquette was thought of and written by people (probably mostly women I suspect). It was their "opinions" about what seemed proper. Why should the opinions of a few be the blanket for all situations generation after generation. If we can evolve our thinking on the big things like marriage equality why do we have to be so uptight about shower hosts?

And believe me, I am a big etiquette proponent. I always make my boys remove their hats when we are eating in a restaurant and am teaching them at 7 years old to hold the door open for myself and their sister first. Just trying to make the point that some situations require us to deviate from the norm a little because in the end, people are more important. :-)

anyone but me.
;)
my MIL threw mine for me.
so many rules!
khairete
S.

I think whomever can afford it often does it. My MIL took a big part in my both my wedding and baby shower, and I appreciated it very much. Nor do I consider it tacky as my MIL has a lot of class ...

I honestly don't think there is "proper etiquette" when it comes to showers... (at least not in my eyes) if someone wants to throw a party for someone else, hey.. why not... It's the intention that counts.. As for what I was taught... My biological family has NEVER hosted a party for me... Maybe that is why I am appreciative to have a MIL who has.. :)

As long as you do no throw it for yourself, anyone else is fine.

I was taught "Anyone, not the recipient... However the closer the better... In rotation."

Meaning

Closest degree of esteem
- Mother
- Sister
- MIL
- SIL
- Best Friend / Godmother
- Husbands Best Friend's Wife
- Fathers business partners
- Mothers close friends
(Obviously from an era gone by)
... Auxiliary
- Church
- Employeers
- Club
- etc.

A mother or sister may always swoop in "out of order", and friends (whether wife or husband) need to touch base to make sure theyre not offending family.

Rotation allows dear ones to show their esteem of you (and voce versa) without insulting your family, and allows different strata within the family to show their esteem without insulting those more highly placed.

"But we're like sisters" allows for some plasticity with cousins & friends for "jumping the line".

Auxiliary is always seperate from close friends/family, and in addition to, not in place of.

_____________

So I was clearly taught the opposite :)

I was taught it is never the immediate family.

No Mom, MIL, Sisters, SIL.. Grandmothers..

But Cousins, Aunts, friends, co workers.. this was fine.

But I think since times have changed and we do not all live close to each other all of the time, so maybe there are times when it makes sense to have these relatives host it.

I agree, if you feel it is not appropriate then do not attend.

Depends on the shower. Around here bridesmaids throw wedding showers, moms and mom in laws throw baby showers. Really the only hard and fast rule I know of is the person receiving the shower never throws it.

Personally I have never heard or thought it was tacky for a family member to throw a shower!
i threw both of my sisters' baby showers. My mom and mil threw my bridal and baby shower. My BF's mom and mil threw her bridal and baby.

Who cares? Showers are times of celebration. Anyone should and can throw a shower for anyone they want!

I was taught that whoever wanted to throw the shower, did. I never have heard of family throwing showers being tacky.

We were taught that immediate family members should not host showers, especially bridal showers. When I got married, my husband's aunts and two nieces hosted my shower (with help from the bridesmaids). My mother and MIL had input on the guest list and food, but it was definitely not thrown by them in any way. When my sister got married, the bridal party hosted the shower and one of my mother's best friends offered us her home.

My baby shower was hosted by my best friend (but largely funded by my mom).

I am not in any way offended when I receive an invitation for a shower hosted by a relative. I am offended when I do not receive a thank you note!

Where I grew up (Minnesota) it was most common for the aunts of the bride or mom-to-be to throw the showers. Never MILs, moms, or sisters. My mom's close friends ARE her 4 sisters and 3 brothers, so it would be a bit of a stretch to find a family friend to throw a shower.

That being said, I married into a different culture and have learned to let go of a lot of my expectations for what is and isn't appropriate. The world and family dynamics are so complex that I don't bat an eye anymore when I see that people aren't following Emily Post.

Just don't throw one yourself.
And YES, at least in my State, family or friends, throw showers for you.
Nothing is wrong with that.
Even co-workers can.
For my baby showers, it was actually co-workers that did it. EVEN for my Husband at his office!

I was taught as you were - that the bride's friends give the party. I believe that the reason for this standard is that a party given by a relative, particularly a close relative, sounds more like a pitch for presents than one given by a friend. Many people have not heard anything of this, however. I've had invitations to a bridal shower party given by the bride herself!

I was taught on the same lines as you were. There was a bridal shower, note I said A as in ONE, and there was A baby shower for a first time mom.

That said, I STILL did not have a wedding or baby shower because I think it is tacky registering for gifts and having expectations of gifts.

I feel like sending an invitation to a shower (as well as some MLM party -- Pampered Chef, graduation, etc) is like sending an invoice to someone.

I'm all for celebrating weddings, babies, graduations, etc but things now have changed so much that many people feel entitled to all the stuff. if someone wants to give me a gift, I want it to be from the heart and not because I sent an invoice asking for it.

ETA: I have a distant relative on FB who has 2 sons both of whom knocked up girls and now she has 2 grandsons about a year old. I was appalled that she announced that the 2 girls were having a joint wedding shower and invitations were sent out but it was open for anyone who wanted to come. She reposted this EVERY DAY until the shower. Talk about TACKY

Hi J.,

I was raised in the south and within that background is was the duties of the bride's aunt(s) to take the lead on the shower. The brides' friends could also be involved but only in a supporting role and while the bride is obviously the center of attention the mother of the bride also had some special attention, a corsage or other small gift to differentiate her from the group. That was some time ago and I've been to many showers and planned many showers since then. As long as it's not the bride herself, I don't think there are any real hard and fast rules these days.
have fun, :-) S.

My mom and my sisters threw my baby shower. It was a beautiful shower and everyone had a wonderful time. I always thought that was who threw your showers for you- family. A couple of years ago I threw a shower for a good friend of mine but her mom and sister had both died a few years before and she didn't have much family otherwise. So another friend and I decided to throw her a surprise shower. It was great- she was so happy. But she and I were really close friends.

I was taught the same as you - family members do not throw showers, it's considered greedy or self-serving.

In our large, extended (Catholic) family the bridesmaids (friends and sisters) tend to throw the bridal showers/bachelorette parties and the moms and aunties usually host the baby showers.

I'm usually fairly prim & proper on etiquette matters, but I've never heard of
that rule. I think any shower that's sweet, simple, and low-key is the opposite of tacky. In my book, a "destination shower," a shower where people are overly directive in terms of gifts, or anything over the top can be tacky -- doesn't matter who throws it. If it's ... under the top ... it's fine.

Non parent to be of the child the shower is for. That's all we were taught. My sister threw mine at my mom's house.

"kids these days" don't follow proper ettiquette - where have you been? And on a practical basis the mom often is the one funding the cost of the shower even if the friends are "hosting" it. It is still tacky however, if the mom is doing everything...

My cousin and aunt (who are more like sister and mom to me) threw my showers (wedding and baby). With my second child (15 years after my first), my sister's were adults and threw the shower (they were 11 & 17 the first time).

My youngest sister's friends threw her bridal shower but our other sister and I threw the baby shower.

So in my experience and family, siblings and/or friends throw the showers.

My MIL's friends gave my SIL (her daughter) REALLY nice showers with very well-heeled friends giving her really nice stuff. However, when it was my turn to marry her son, she made it a point to tell me that mothers and MIL's of the bride don't give showers. My parents' friends were not well heeled - indeed, they were church members because those were my parents' friends, so my shower gifts were tee-towels, LOL. The upshot is that my MIL stood on ceremony and didn't give us a shower, and she didn't ask any of her friends to give us a shower either. It took me 15 years to have anything nice in my kitchen. I don't know if my MIL sat in my shower that my parent's church members gave me, looking at the difference in what her daughter got and what her son was getting, and maybe wished that she had asked one of her friends to help us out. I'll never know.

Yeah, it sounds like I am bellyaching about my MIL. What I DO think now, as the mother of boys, is that it's appropriate for SOMEONE to give a decent shower. If as a mother, you have children who are offered wonderful showers and children who aren't, and you've got friends who are capable of helping out, then you should at least try. I do wish that my MIL had asked her friends to for her son, at least. Not just because of the difference in gifts, mind you. Because it would have meant to ME and to her SON that she felt the same about us as she did her daughter.

Sometimes moms don't "see" how their choice to stand on "ceremony" looks to the spouse coming into the family, even when they don't realize it. I did realize years later that my MIL really did love me, but I also know that she didn't have a problem with the fact that there were stark differences in how she treated her children. And I hope that I have learned THAT lesson enough so that this isn't how I will act when it's my children's turn to get married and have kids...

Dawn

Well, I was an avid reader of etiquette columns, and I always followed the rule of no immediate family members. And that is why I never had a baby shower or a bridal shower. (: I really think that if its becoming more acceptable for sisters and moms to do stuff like that, as long as they don't come across as gift greedy, it should be okay, because not everyone has friends who offer to do things like that, and it is kind of a burden for the hosts anyway.

I have never heard that before and was not taught that.

My sister and cousins were the ones that threw my baby showers and I didn't have a wedding shower.

So, when you were taught this what happens to the ladies that don't have friends? They don't get showers...b/c it would be rude if someone in their family threw them one? Strange.

I think that's how it went back in the 70s/80s when I grew up. But since then, I've thrown my SIL a baby shower, my mom and my MIL threw me a a baby shower, my MIL threw my other SIL a baby shower, etc. My best friend did throw me a bridal shower, though.

These days I guess it seems like families handle showers vs. friends because frankly, they ARE expensive to host.

That is what I remember (no mother, sisters or aunt), yet showers are not really what they used to be. Also, you may be lucky that your mom has close friends willing to do this. I do not think a bride is less deserving of a shower if her mother died (for example in my case) and the 'friends' were no longer in the picture. It would be weird for a bride to have an old friend of her mother to host a party.

I feel like the person throwing the shower is put out financially and the gifts are a bit more than a birthday gift, yet less than a wedding gift. I think the party could cost a few hundred (at the least) to a few thousand (typical if not at home). I would feel guilty if my friend spend that much on me. My maid of Honor and HER mother decided to to this for me. (Her mother was more established than my friend in her 20's). My cousin gave me a baby shower (and I am sure my Aunt paid for most).

Today the party cost way more than the gifts (most likely different back in Emily Post's day). If the host spends $3000 on the flowers, food, decor and location and the guest spend $40 to $75 on a present I no longer feel it is a way for the family of the bride/mother to make bank.

Maybe I am different. I bought all the stuff I needed and the presents were just fluff (nice and sweet fluff, but stuff I could do without). I do know others who have close family who received strollers and carseats, but clothes and baby toys were the things i got.

My mom threw the bridal and baby showers for both my sister and I. The bridesmaids helped out for the bridal showers, and sisters helped out for the baby showers, but it was family, despite the fact that friends were around and willing to help. Thinking back, mostly, family members have thrown showers - sister, MIL and on and on. It's not tacky. Sometimes the family members know the honoree better and are *maybe* willing to put in the extra $$ and time to make it really special.

I've never heard this, but where I am from, the bridesmaids and maid of honor throw the bridal shower.

I've been to baby showers hosted by coworkers for another coworker and I've been to baby showers hosted by family or friends of the mother to be. I never saw anything wrong with a sister/mom of mother to be throwing a shower for the new arrival. I think it is tacky to throw your own shower.

I also learned that it was not proper for immediate family to host, but the idea behind that was that as, say, the mother of the bride, it was assumed generations ago that the bride was still living with her parents and that the family hosting a shower was a way of saying "we can't provide the things to set our daughter and her husband up in their new home." You know, back in the days of dowries and such. Obviously this isn't the case for the vast majority of us now so I think it's just fine and normal for mothers and sisters and aunts to host. My mom and sisters hosted my wedding shower, we hosted my other sister's shower, my mom and one sister have co-hosted baby showers for the other sister, etc.

When I was young it was usually the aunts or close friends or the parents who threw the showers. Frequently it is the bridesmaids. When my niece married she and her mom decided they really wanted it at her mom's house, convenient for everyone, so her maid of honor and I planned the party and paid for things but held it there.

Hmm My mom did my wedding shower and baby shower? I did not realize that we were breaking etiquette.

my baby shower was thrown by my mom &future mother in law, as in they paid for it.. my cousin who is the soon to be godmother of my daughter was in charge of games &decorating.. Everyone in my family who hashad a baby shower, its been thrown my their mom/mother in law.. although my cousins wife's friends did throw her a seperate "shower" it was more of a lunch, just for the friends because she lives out of state

for a wedding shower It should not be a close relative of the bride. But in my case my sister in law did. But she was my brother's wife, not my future husbands. It for sure should not be a mom, sister or mother in law. Depending on the family dynamics it could be a future sister in law though.