Who Is a Pretty Girl???

I tell my kids all the time that they are so handsome and my daughter that she is pretty. I don't think any of them ( well my older 3 anyways) have let it go to their heads or are conceded.

Every person should hear that they are pretty/ handsome! I tell my husband how good looking he is and vice verse. Its still nice to hear even as an adult.. and it does make kids feel good about themselves also!

I don't see a problem with it at all... now if you were telling them they were ugly that's when I see it a problem.

A good spray in conditioner/ detangler works great to stop the screaming

My daughter is 8 and I do tell her she is gorgeous, random strangers tell her she is gorgeous. Her stock answer from the time she could speak was "And I'm smart too!" So she knows. She is compassionate, caring, hard working, and a pain in the rear - she's a mini me!

I don't see the harm in telling a girl they are pretty or a boy they are handsome. As long as it's not the only thing you compliment them on.

I brush her hair in front of a cartoon, one of those ones that she zones out to. I do a section, let her take a break, then do a little more.

I do catch myslef saying mamas pretty baby, or my beauty, and lots of other little sweetnothings about her looks.

But I try to compliment her achievements and mental abilities as they happen. I think just saying every day - oh you super smart girl will have the impact we want. When she shows aptitude for something I praise that. When she puts an effort into something I tell her - hey you worked so hard on that, im so proud.

I never tell her I'm proud of her for being pretty. So, I don't think I'm doing any harm.

No, I try not to focus on beauty and instead compliment on a job well done, admiration of brain power, a good choice made, etc.

Here's some food for thought:
"Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-l...

I'm the crazy one..... I try NEVER to compliment my daughter on something that is outside of her control.

She gets what she gets. She is what she is. Smart, pretty, compassionate, whatever.....

When I compliment it's..... I really like how fixed your hair to go with your outfit. I really like how you solved that problem. I really like how you cleaned your room without being told.
Rather than you're pretty, you're smart, you're organized. I focus on the BEHAVIOR. that's what will increase self-esteem. Letting her know what she can do, regardless of what she was blessed (or not) with that she can't control.

Now.... having said that - I've gotten more than a few pictures back and exclaimed "how gorgeous". So, I'm guilty as the rest, I guess!

I grew up never being told I was pretty and it didn't effect my self esteem. A great deal of my self esteem comes from my intelligence. I was quite surprised as an adult to find out I was not unpleasant to the eye.

I have never told my daughters they were pretty or any variation on that theme. I told them they were smart, athletic, leaders. Trust me more than enough people pointed out they were pretty.

I just don't believe in telling my kids things that are a matter of perception, not fact, just how I am.

So far as the hair goes I keep it conditioned and they don't cry. Both my daughters love braids so they will do all the prep work themselves for the promise of braids. The thing is after a while of prepping themselves the prep became a habit and the braids a special thing. :)

Oh that and I don't sweat it when my younger daughter looks like a well dressed homeless person. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.

I was a child who grew up with people constantly telling me how pretty/beautiful/tall, etc I was. It became annoying and upsetting as I felt like , well, what else am I? I was forced into modeling as a teenager, and it just became this label for me I couldn't get rid of. It's a pet peeve of mine now, and I roll my eyes more then take it as a compliment. I think if you are told it too many times, you tend to want to overcompensate, and try to be " pretty" all the time. It can actually lower your self esteem then enhance it.

Beauty is internal more then external. Someone can be beautiful on the outside, but their personality makes them extremely unattractive. I would compliment her on her character more then her face anyday. I much preferred someone telling me how smart, kind, funny I was. My grandmother always told me how sweet and generous I was, it always made me feel specially and loved.

Now, for the hair. I would wash her hair with conditioner , and comb it when it's wet. I would never dry my hair with a hair dryer. I always air dried it , unless I was going somewhere quickly. Let her hair air dry. I am not sure if that will help, but it's what I did, and still do.

You should probably minimize the pretty comments - per the link posted on LeeLee's post - and telling them they are smart all the time is detrimental as well.

Compliment them, instead, on things they have control over, like how hard they worked on something, or on personality traits, like special, wonderful, kind, loving etc. Pretty and smart are just genetic gifts, and they did nothing to earn them. Research shows that complimenting them on pretty and smart does more harm than good.

Once in a great while, it's okay to compliment looks, because giving people compliments is a nice quality. Adults like to be complimented for their looks occasionally too. Like if she's wearing a special or new dress -- That dress is so pretty! Or you look so pretty in your new dress!

No.
I have a son and daughter. And they are good looking kids. People and strangers comment on that all the time. Even stopping us as we are walking around at the mall, just to tell us.

But NO... we do not always tell our kids that. Because, that is not how we are. Sure, we compliment our kids and say they are cute. BUT... we don't focus on appearance. We concentrate, on telling our kids that they be themselves... that they know who they are... that they know themselves... and their abilities etc. And that has nothing to do with appearance.
My kids have a good self-esteem and sense of self, that has nothing to do with their appearance.

Brushing a girl's hair without hysterics, is age related. And, if they have tangles, well that makes it harder. So trouble shoot the tangles.

This is a good article on how to talk to kids:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

I guess I must be the only freak that tells her daughter that's she's beautiful. I also tell my son he's handsome. I compliment my kids, sure, I am their mother. I'm sorry, but I can't take a mental inventory every time I see my child. Sometimes I look at my daughter and I see my great grand ma's smiles. I think that's it beautiful that a person's features are still present, generations later. When I look at them, I see my smile, my mother's smile, my grandfather's smile, and finally my grandma's smile. I show my child and say, 'This is who you resemble,' and I think that's a beautiful thing. I also tell my daughter she is beautiful just the way she is so that she doesn't have to fit herself into what America thinks is beautiful.

I was told I was a pretty a lot in my life, and never once did it affect how I treated people. I was raised to be respectful, hard working, disciplined and grateful. I was treated as a human being first, then as a girl second. This is how I raise my children. I think it would suck if my mother never, ever said that she thought I was beautiful or never, ever paid me any compliments because she was afraid I'd turn into a monster.

Honestly, I don't see how one thing has to do with the other. Being told you're pretty doesn't suddenly turn you into a selfish, bitter individual. Believe me, big heads are created by much more than a few compliments.

It is equally as important to teach our children to care for themselves and look their best as it is to encourage their other redeeming qualities. My self esteem has always been very high and I'm sure it's because my parents told me I was beautiful while growing up, and often. I was also super smart and talented in many ways and those were complimented as well.

Well, here is an excellent article about how mothers can pay compliments and talk to little girls without always resorting to pretty, b/c that could reflect on self -esteem issues too.
http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2011/08/motherhood-mond...

I have two boys, who I call handsome and cute, but I make sure that I keep it even with complimenting them on their talents, helpfulness, strength, kindness and such.

I'm a hairstylist so I have some advice. As for brushing the hair, it depends on how old she is. Use a good spray on detangler and start with a wide tooth comb at the very ends of her hair, working her way up. Let her pick out the comb/brush and let her decorate it, like another mom said. At night, keep her hair in braids so it's easier to work with in the morning and it will turn out cute and wavy too. Teach her how important it is to keep hair clean and healthy. Make the hair routine a positive one, maybe do a little lavender massage on her arms/hands and such so get her relaxed and have it less stressful.

As for the hysterics, be sure you are using disciplinary consequences for that behavior, just like you would if she were throwing a tantrum for another reason.

Unfortunately, my GD has been told how pretty she is from the day she was born so no, I don't tell her she's pretty - she's heard that enough. What I do tell her, when she tells me someone else said she was pretty, is that the reason she appears to be pretty is because she has a good heart and is a good person. I tell her that that radiates outward and that's why people see her as being pretty. I tell her that if she were a mean person, that that would radiate outward and people would not see her as being so pretty. It all comes from inside and radiates out!

As for the hair, I be sure to have GD brush her hair mid-day and then again at night. I also use Blue Magic Coconut Hair Conditioner in her hair,. pretty much daily. It doesn't allow the hair to become too tangled. No matter how horrible the knots look, they comb right out. It's also good for keeping them lice-free as nits cannot attach to the hair shaft if it is covered in Blue Magic!

My 17 year old is pretty--so pretty that she knows it. She was always told that by the family. So, right now, she is battling with us on going to spring break. We are telling her "no" and she's making life a living he!!. It's all about her--her hair, her nails, her navel piercing, her tanning, her clothes...she knows no different. She's shallow. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't tell my daughter that she is pretty. Focus more on character and brains, not looks.

No. We don't tell our daughter's they are pretty. We encourage good behavior, treating others the way they want to be treated and all the other things we feel are important for our daughter's to have instead of just outside beauty. Doesn't mean I don't them they aren't pretty - I do - we do.

Our girls don't have ratty hair. I don't know what we do different. I use cream rinse on our 2 year old, if that matters any. My other two shower by themselves. So on that - I don't know how to help you.

I'm with Leslie M. It sounds like something you'd say to a pet, though my first thought was a parrot. I guess my go to phrase was usually guess how much I love you? It's hard enough in this society to raise girls who are not obsessed with looks, brand name clothes, body image, etc. I had to keep my daughters hair short till she was old enough to take care of it herself, she was a screamer!

Get a spray bottle from the store. Decorate it with stick-on gems, glitter pen, make it very personal for your daughter. Fill it with a leave-in conditioner you spray (Pantene makes a good one.) Tell her this is magic Princess Spray or something like that and tell her it will help make her strong and pretty. Always start at the bottom with little strokes of the brush, working your way up until all the tangles are out and you can brush the whole head of hair without tugs.

I have always thought, "Who's a pretty girl?" was something you say to a dog who is wagging her tail waiting for a treat. I tell my daughters they are beautiful at intervals, but I also tell them, "You're so clever" and "You're so sweet" and many other compliments about all the qualities I adore (and there are many) and want to foster the growth of.

my grandma tells me the best story...shes 94 and is losing hermemory but this one she never fails to remember.
Apparently we were rocking on the porch one day when I was young, she says like 3 or 4. she was telling me to say "I am beatiful". and she thought it was funny cuz Id say "boo-tif-ful."
After a few times repeating her I finally answered "I Know I am."

Girls have self esteem issues especially nowadays with all the hubbub on overweight, models, etc....I think its wonderful you tell her she is beautiful. everyonce in a while tell her shes going to be a pretty president...lol.

the hair. my twins have super thin straight long blond locks....now that they ar 12 if they want to look funny its on them. but when they were younger I used the spray on detangler by the gallons and a wide toothed comb, not a brush until the tangles were out.

My father focused on telling me I was pretty. I think it contributed to my feeling that I had to be beautiful to be loved and therefore a very serious eating disorder (that I have overcome).
Even so I don't shy away from telling my daughter she is pretty. I just also make sure to tell her she is smart, funny, and kind. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Ha ha ha. I ask my daughter that too, and love it when she promptly replies "Abby!"

Also - wish that I was asking something less sexist... I SHOULD be saying, "Which little girl is going to work hard and go to MIT?!" It just doesn't roll off the tongue as well. Oh well, knowing the problem is the first step...

I also hug or hold her and say, "Who loves you?" and she responds, "mommy."

Question number two... very gently.

I like to say, "Hi, beautiful girl" and I clarify at other times that beauty is inside and out. Mostly inside. I have no trouble saying, "You look very pretty today!" when she picks an outfit etc too. I also call my son handsome. But we go heavy on compliments like, Nice, Generous, Brave, Tough, Great Try, Good Work, and I'm Proud of You in our house as well.

Can you braid her hair before she goes to bed?

Lee Lee's response is exactly what I was going to say and link to. That article is really good food for thought. I don't have much "who's a pretty girl" experience because all of my own kids are boys, but I do plan on keeping this in mind as I interact with my nieces. It's really not a harmless habit and one that we should be conscientious about balancing out.

Well, I have two boys, and they are absolutely beautiful ;-) I say a mixture of things to them, and you could practice doing that with your daughter. I tell them how handsome or precious or cute they are, but I also mix in things like, "You are so special to me," or "I am a lucky mama to have you for a little boy, " or "WOW -you're really smart to have figured that out all by yourself!" I also try to compliment them on specific goals or tasks that they master like learning their colors or really improving their reading, learning all the money denominations, etc.

Another thing I would like to add -I really try to compliment them on kindness and sweetness. When they do something exceptionally nice for someone or each other, I tell them that I really like to see them acting that way or that it was really nice of them to do whatever they did. For me, raising kids who are kind is extremely important, so I want to emphasize that for them.

i don't remember being told i was pretty, cute, etc, as a kid. i remember feeling fat, especially next to my younger, slimmer sister. i always felt fat. so yes i tell my son how handsome he is, along with how helpful, how kind, how smart, how funny he is, and how very proud of him i am. i always use the proud comment in relation so being helpful or grownup, though, not in relation to looks.

Balance. I can tell DD she has pretty hair (which she does) or she's cute (which she is) but I also tell her "Wow, that was so smart! You really used your head there. I'm proud of you for figuring it out yourself."

For hair, try, "If we brush it now, we won't have snarls later. Do you hear them? I think we need to put them to sleep with a good brushing." I also let my DD try to spray her own hair with the detangler.

I think that if you didn't feel built up when you were little, you may be going overboard to make sure your DD feels better about herself. I would start to consciously change some of the praise about her looks. Challenge yourself to find one other good thing per day to tell her she's good at or did well. Give her opportunities to be more than just a pretty face.

And model it. YOU are her role model. Not that we should forget ourselves when we become moms, but sometimes we have to think about our own projections and maybe we are putting too much emphasis on the wrong things in our own lives.

I really try to minimize the pretty thing. We talk about being smart and strong a lot more than pretty. We also try to convey the idea that pretty is as pretty does (particularly when she's acting a bit ugly).

Regarding hair, I have 2 girls with very sensitive heads. First, we use detangler spray. And, we finally let our oldest get her hair cut to her shoulders, which helps enormously. (I was worried, because she is very into princesses and long hair. But it was her idea to get her hair cut and she likes it.) The youngest has perpetual bedhead, so we'll probably be keeping her hair short for a while.

I do tell my daughter she is pretty, but I also tell her she is smart, funny, kind, etc.

As far as the hair brushing, I wish we could do it without a fit too. If your daughter has long hair, I do know that keeping it up or in ponytails will keep some of the tangles out. Also, leave in conditioners work great. I would just try to give your daughter practical reasons for combing her hair, rather than bringing it back to beauty, and the importance of beauty. at 3, she doesn't care. just wait til she does her own hair, and it's a disaster, but she thinks it's fabulous! so instead, try telling her that combing her hair is important for keeping it clean and healthy, and that a little each day is better than having bad knots from not combing. also, is it long? if so, ask yourself why? is it because you love her long beautiful hair? does she, or would she prefer shorter more manageable hair?

When we are looking in the mirror together I say "who are the pretty girls!" (I, too, was never told I was pretty when I was growing up.). But that is not my emphasis. I tell her she's helpful, funny, silly, grumpy and smart!

As for her hair? I usually have to "make (insert stuffed animal here) fluffy" first and then I make DD "fluffy," our code word for brushing. If I get three strokes in I'm happy.

Don't let it get too long & spray in conditioner from the $1 store.

I tell my daughter's how cute they are...when they are older, I will tell them how pretty they are. They are 1 and 6. :) My default compliments, however, are different, probably...I always tell my six year old how helpful she is, and I tell my 1 year old how funny she is.

Both of my girls inherited their father's hair...thick and straight...very manageable. I imagine if we ever have a son, he'll get my hair...curly, unruly, etc. :)

I do say it to my daughters sometimes and hate when I do. It just slips out sometimes. I prefer if I say they look really nice in an outfit or bc I just washed their hair etc. But like some people have said, I try to compliment what they actually do much more than things like looks. What I almost find funny is I think the vast majority of little girls are pretty. It's fairly rare I see a girl who is under age 7 or so who actually is already showing features that aren't so pretty. So what I think is sure - I think my daughters are very pretty right now but who knows how they'll turn out so if I say it a lot now and then slowly they become less attractive, what then? Do I lie and keep telling them they're pretty? Of course to an extent but I'd rather avoid it all by not focusing it on it now. Same thought process as telling them they're smart. My parents did very little of that kind of praise and it seemed to work fine. I think girls who are told they're pretty all the time either get conceited about it and too focused on it bc they actually are very pretty or all of a sudden they're in for a very rude awakening when the rest of the world doesn't treat them as so pretty like their parents told them they were bc they're really not. Best to have them focus on developing their personalities. I think even if my daughters are very pretty teenagers, I'll downplay it big time so they develop a good sense of humor and conversation. Pretty only holds people's attention for so long...

I ask, but I also make a point to ask the other's as well. Perhaps, if you're feeling guilty you can ask, "Who's super awsome?". I use that one.

AS for hair, I was with shampoo and conditioner and braid the little booger tight. In the morning I unbraid and brush it again then braid it up again.

Yes I tell my girls how pretty they are and if they look dirty or disheveled I tell them that too! I tell my newborn baby boy how handsome he is.... And I also tell him he's stinky, lol

I spray my girls hair with a little bottle filled with water and a tiny bit of conditioner when I brush it. Still though I get complaints .

Updated

You have received plenty of comments and I didn't have time to read them all so I apologize if this is a duplicate. The pretty girl thing, I do it too. As far as the hair, the only product I got that works in my daughters super curly hair is Redken Heavy Cream. A little bit will do it. My daughter has think hair so she needed the weight as well to tame hers. Good luck to you & your pretty girl!