Whining Is the "Go-to" Method with Her....

I wouldn't talk about her adult responsibilities, but the "right now" responsibilities. Maybe looking too far ahead is overwhelming for her. So keep to the here and now. "You are 11. You are responsible for ___because that is what 11 year olds are responsible for. No, you are not a little girl, you are an 11 year old girl." Try to set her up to succeed and start with responsibilities you know she can handle to help her gain confidence, then build on them.

Gamma G thank you for link. I am still laughing.
I have to agree with Rosebud on this one. My daughter is 12 and it is rough. My daughter will worry about stuff that I have to remind her that it is grown up stuff not 12 year old stuff.
Anyway I think you are getting amazing advice.
Many blessings and good luck to you

I know you are not going to listen to my advice.

But the absolute best thing you could do in your daughter's case is to mirror her emotions. Just seeing the statement, "I'm still just a little girl, Mama," makes me want to go and give your daughter a hug and say to her, "You ARE still a little girl."

Studies show that mirroring people's emotions is the best tool for achieving the desired results. I learned the mirroring technique many years ago from a woman who worked with troubled teens. Surprisingly, agreeing that she is a little girl will make her feel more like a big girl.

You know what? She IS still a little girl. And guess what -- in two years, four max, your daughter will NOT be saying, "I'm still just a little girl," she will be rejecting your cuddling and mothering and telling you how grown up she is, or indicating it by her attitude.

They are little for such a very brief time. I suggest you enjoy it while you can. My daughter is the most capable person on the planet, but she'll always be my "little girl" and my "baby" (and sometimes that drives her crazy).

IF your daughter is using being a "little girl" to avoid doing chores or other responsibility, you just say, "Yes, you are a little girl, and this little girl has to do the dishes."

By the way, my kids are grown, I work with teenagers, and I can tell you that 11 is still a little girl.

i agree with not coddling, and not 'watering the worry seed' (a delightful metaphor.)
but since you recognize that your statements about growing up and taking responsibility are what trigger the whining, it's in your power to reframe your positive parenting statements into something SHE hears as positive. i suspect you're trying to bulldoze her into accepting your simple truth, and i get that. i too tend to parent without a lot of slithering around facts. but if there's one particular thing that sets a kid off, an astute mom can think her way around the trigger without losing the lesson.
clearly she's sensitive to the stark fact that growing older means having to shoulder more, and for whatever reason this alarms her. so don't make the doom and gloom implicit. she gets it. there's no need to keep highlighting it. it sounds to me as if she needs to hear a little more about the freedoms and joys of independence. obviously you don't want to deluge her in this either, but do rein yourself in when any hint of 'lecture' starts to creep in, and do take advantage of opportunities to give her gentle praise for mature acts and behaviors, and to shine a light on how awesome it is to be an adult-in-training.
i suspect you're both just a tad over-sensitized to the subject. let it drop for a while, and revisit it with a lighter heart down the road a bit.
khaierte
S.

I have two adult kids. We did not share a lot of adult topics with them. Why? Because, being a kid is short lived. That is the only time in your life you are truly carefree. I wanted my kids to enjoy their childhood. There is plenty of time for adult items.

My son was not thrilled about growing up. He still wanted to be tucked in at 12 and 13. When he reached 14 that all completely stopped. I miss it. He is 22 by the way. =) Very grown up, senior in university and in the Army.

My daughter is 26. I always told her "don't be in such a hurry to grow up. Enjoy this time". Now is has her job, house and responsibilities. She will make comments like "boy I sure don't like being an adult with adult bills". Ha no kidding kid!!!

I guess what I'm saying is don't be in a rush for her to grow up. Let her enjoy this time. She should still have age appropriate responsibilities but to say "you will be an adult some day" isn't something I would continue with.

Trust me, she WILL grow up. =(

Thanks, Suz, for saying exactly what I was thinking.

E., years and years ago, at 9 years old, I was told very explicitly that once I turned 18, my bags would be packed and I'd be going off to live on my own. While my mom did divorce that troll of a stepfather (who made the statement) it did cause me *great* anxiety. Somehow I was supposed to learn how to be an adult. It was scary. I'm certainly not saying that you are making those comments with the malice that I experienced, not at all, but just that you can lay off the 'you're going to be an adult' warnings. Because what you are saying to her is that her more juvenile ways of doing things are becoming increasingly unacceptable to you. She has NO idea how to do things in a more adult fashion. I would reframe those comments to leave off any mention of maturity and more "you know, I think you might be happier if you went about X a different way, have you considered...?"

I don't want to be mean, but maybe you are making her afraid by continually telling her about adult responsibilities. I don't know what tone you use, but your daughter obviously sees it as "doom and gloom."

I think you should just back off the adult responsibilities talk. Take it one year at a time. With my GD, we add things to her list of responsibilities each year. For example, this year, she was required to help cook dinner two nights per week. Last year, she began doing dishes two nights per week. Next year, we will add something else. The only time we talk about adult responsibilities is when she complains that her friends don't have to cook or do dishes. Then I tell her that it's my job to prepare her to be an adult and to teach her the things she will need to know and that when her friends are living in a filthy house and don't ever have a home cooked meal because they don't know how to cook one, she will be grateful.

I agree with Mom2KCK when it comes to having her worry about becoming an adult too soon. If she has a tendency to worry or get anxious, than maybe bringing up adulthood and adult responsibilities is too much for her. How about instead of having adult responsibilities she can have age appropriate responsibilities. Now that you are 11 you are responsible for cleaning your own room, emptying the dishwasher or other household chores. You are now becoming more responsible for your body.

First off - she'll ALWAYS be your little girl - even when she's middle aged.
We always remember/think of our kids as helpless infants/toddlers.
That bonding we have when they are born, when they first grab your finger, when you first fall in love with them - never goes away.
My son is always my little bundle of boy - even though he's 16 and 6'2" tall.

But - that has nothing to do with her ACTING like a little girl.
I suggest to stop looking at the birthdays like a count down timer.
3 - 2 - 1 BOOM! You're an ADULT! - is just stressful.
I mean - yeah - it still happens but the anxiety of ticking away the time is just overwhelming.

Instead - look at learning new tasks/responsibilities as an enjoyable thing.
We learn new things our whole lives.
It's not just for growing UP - it's for GROWING!
You're learning new things every day too - and you can tell your daughter that and show her how glad you are to learn new things.
Take a class together sometime - cooking, crafts, what ever - learn something new WITH her - it's fun!

As for the whining - she does it because it works - and she'll stop it when it no longer works.
And don't feel bad because every kid tries it at one time or another - so every parent learns to deal with it.

You: "Honey, I need you to put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher".
Her: "I'm still just a little girl, Mama!".
You: "You'll always be my little girl, but little girls eat off the dishes and so they help wash and put them away. I love you! I need you to help me. Now get to it!".

I get the "But I can't make it as good as YOU make it, Mom!".
(don't you just love the flattery?).
Me: "I'm glad you like how I do it, Dear, but that just means you need more practice. Here - you do it and I'll watch you and walk you through it one more time. You'll never learn it if I do it for you.".

You'll get through this!
And - the younger kids are watching - so how you solve this now will set a pattern for when the others get to this stage.

Wow, I'm not sure what to say. While I certainly gave my kids more responsibility and had higher expectations of them as they matured I don't think I ever once talked to them about being an adult, and all the responsibilities that come with it.
I mean, kids do grow up, it happens, there's no need to point it out, certainly no need to cause a child undue anxiety.
I suggest that rather than projecting this onto her (which is probably the main source of her stress and worry) you simply live in the moment, and enjoy her at this age, and every age to come.
ETA: I also have an anxious child, so I understand the challenges. But you are the mom, it's up to YOU to comfort her, and ease her mind, she's got enough going on, not only the anxiety, but simply all the growing and changing that's happening right now, and as she hits her teen years she's going to need even more patience and support. Maybe some counseling would be good for you as well, sounds like you could use some coping skills.

My daughter is also 11. From the time she was in probably 2nd grade or so, we worked with her (and our younger two) on what their jobs were in our family. What their responsibilities were to themselves, to us, to our home, etc. They are by all means children and do not act as adults, but they have to help and do things in order for things to run smoothly...so they know about responsibility and taking responsibility.

My 11 year old tells me that she only has 18 months until she is a teenager...but not in an "I'm too grown for you" way, but in a "wow, I can't believe it" way. She is still my little girl and always will be. We do cuddle to watch movies, we have coffee dates, spa dates, etc.

I think if you work with her on taking care of what her jobs are now (homework, showering, keeping her room clean, whatever household chores she has, etc) and then just gradually add to what they need to be, there won't be so much of a leap, but normal growing up. Work with her on being able to talk to you, make her comfortable so she can trust you will be honest with her.

I honestly think it sounds like YOU are making too big of a deal about growing up. I don't mean that to be harsh, but just let her be a little girl still, but help her to realize her responsibilities as well. There doesn't have to be any jumps. It can and should all be a gradual transition.

The way you deal with this is by not pressuring her.
Young girls are already under so much pressure, school, friends, boys, puberty, etc. and as soon as they hit middle school it gets ten times worse.
So stop adding to her anxiety by reminding her she's growing up. She KNOWS that, she's not stupid, she's scared and worried, she needs you to be her soft place to fall!
Maybe you think my advice is "mean" but honestly, based on what you shared here, I feel like you're being "mean" to your daughter. She is a child, she doesn't need to be burdened with adult worries.

My older kids are 15. I have never told them--you will be an adult. However, as they have grown older, had more responsibilities, they have been treated as a young adult. They actually get more anxiety from school because they are told they have to pick what they want to do, they have to pick a college now, they HAVE to.......
I try to ease that a bit. They know they will be adults, they know they will one day have all responsibility for their lives themselves. But they also know I will be there to back them up if needed. I don't see any point in telling them that they will be adults one day and have to take care of themselves. It won't be "okay, your turned 18, bye bye."

My girls will always be my little girls even at 32 and 38. Why the big rush to have her become a "young girl." I would embrace that little girl as long as u could, because one day you will wake up and have a teen and everything that goes with it! Kids today grow up way to fast. Be thankful for, yes, your little girl.

I agree with Rosebud.

You mention only at the end that she sees a therapist. That seems pretty vital here. If the therapist is talking with her about worry -- does she suffer from excessive anxiety? You mention you don't want to cause her "to feel so darned much anxiety" about growing up, but if she's in therapy working on anxiety already, do you somehow feel therapy is not working, or do you wish it were working faster so she would be less anxious?

I would be talking with her therapist about your own concerns that she is -- what exactly? Not as mature or self-sufficient as you believe she should be at "just turned 11"? Is the issue the occasional whining tone, or the larger issue you see with her not really wanting to grow up yet? There's a gulf between those two things.

I would talk with the therapist about your own expectations and your motivations for wanting her to be more responsible, and what responsibility means to you -- it may mean something very different, and scary, to her, so she regresses into a whine and you're focused on the whine, not the fear behind it. Can you talk with the therapist about what frightens your child about growing up? Have you talked with her directly about whatever fears she may have? She might associate growing up with leaving home, and she cannot yet picture living without you (and/or dad and siblings) there. She may be insecure and feel that growing up means having to make all her own choices; she's not ready for that. She may not be able to picture any roof over her head other than the familiar one she knows now. She may associate growing up with paying bills and stressing about jobs and money--even if you are fine financially, kids pick up on or overhear things we don't ever tell them outright, and she may view her parents as spending an awful lot of time on finances and that scares her.

There could be a lot of reasons she doesn't like to talk about growing up and no longer being your little girl. Talk to her -- not when she's whining, not when you're irritated with her about whining, but at a calm time alone together -- and ask her what SHE thinks growing up means. Don't try to reason her out of any fears or explain how the adult world really is; just listen. It might help you be more patient with her transition. That transition is not a jump but many more years of gradual lessons that can't be rushed.

As for specific solutions: Does the idea of "someday you'll have adult responsibilities" come up, for instance, because like many a child her age, she might sometimes shirk any age-appropriate responsibilities you now give her? The key word there is "age-appropriate." If she is balky about doing the things that a just-past-10-year-old child can be doing (taking out the trash, walking the dog, whatever chores are the right ones for her in your household) then you can start with those basics, working with her on making up her own schedule to do them and telling her how important it is to the whole household that she helps keep things running. Be sure not to give her responsibilities or chores that are so overwhelming (for instance, rather than saying "Clean your room," ask her to tackle just her messy bookcase. One task to do well rather than an overwhelming one that is undefined in her mind, even if you as the adult know what you mean by "Clean your room.")

And praise her a lot when she does things -- she is not so old that she is past wanting your praise, so please don't think that at 11 she should just be getting on with things and not care about acknowledgement. Especially if she's insecure or anxious she does still need to know she's doing OK even on getting the trash out.

Another way to help her could be reassuring her that yes, she will always be your little girl and you will always be her mom. Sometimes kids see the whole "grow up and be responsible and move away to college" thing as equaling "Do things on your own, without mom and dad to back you up." Of course as the adult you know it's not quite like that but it doesn't mean she, at her age, can see things that way.

Be sure that you are not inadvertently watering the worry seed when you remind her she'll grow up. I would just focus on actions, and stop talking in any terms of "you need to do X or Y because someday you will be an adult and have responsibilities." By actions I mean giving her the right responsibilities for her current age and helping her do them well with adequate direction, and giving her praise for them. That helps her build confidence in herself as an 11-year-old person, and that will lead to a more confident teen and adult eventually, but leaping right to reminders that she will be an adult makes her retreat into childishness. When she does whine, drop the topic immediately and then leave the room and do something else. That removes your attention and distracts her.

With all of my kids it was always a function of presenting the responsibilities right along with the perks that come from growing up.

When you think about being a full out adult, wow! you have to support yourself, your family....but ya know, you don't have to listen to your mom when she says you are doing it all wrong.

On a younger level, say 16, you want to drive you need a job, you need to pay your insurance. They could see their part in the dance.

So whatever it is you want her to do that you consider growing up, present that but before you do figure out what she also gains at the same time.

Oh, because my kids accepted responsibility they tended to have freedom their peers did not. They thought that made them the coolest kids on earth!

I'm confused by your question, are there specific examples of you telling her to do a chore or complete a responsibility where her response is to tell you she's "just a little girl"? Because I can see that being a big issue. I think people would answer differently if that's the case.

Or does she respond that way only when you bring up the idea of her being an adult one day? If so, I would stop telling her she'll be an adult one day.

Telling an eleven-year-old to prepare for adulthood is kind of like telling an middle-aged person they better prepare to die one day. Not necessary, and kind of mean.

Huh. I don't really get it to be honest. 11 is still a little girl. I certainly didn't have a lot of responsibility at that age except my school work. I constantly tell my kids to enjoy being kids. They'll grow up soon enough etc. Maybe she's overly sensitive to it though. You don't say that you're actually talking to her often about being an adult but any hint, freaks her out. If that's the case, not sure. But if you are kind of focused on her growing up, I'd back off. Kids grow up so fast these days... I do everything I can to keep that from happening vs encourage it.

ETA: I was a kid who never wanted to grow up too. I was responsible and a good student but in no hurry to leave the nest at all. But I eventually got through it. Went away to college and cried for 2 weeks before I left but then loved it. Loved to come home too so it was a gradual process but since college,I've moved way more places on my own than other friends so I certainly became very independent and grown up. So don't worry too much.

Anxiety is caused by having things undefined and unpredictable which can make a person feel like things are out of control.

She cannot fathom what being an adult is like and it is causing her anxiety. I would bet she is feeling overwhelmed by all the decisions adults have to make, and without a sense of definition or predictability it is scary for her. Especially if she has any perfectionism in her.

So keep things very concrete, loosely but clealy defined and predictable for her, but limit your expectations to the far future of her being 12 years old. No further then that.

Have you point blank asked her 'how' things will be different when she is an adult to being a little girl? i.e. what will change. Perhaps have her journal her expectations of things 'now' and 'as an adult'. Let her have the answers without criticism or comment, and maybe share only when she is ready with whom she wants to. Then validate her feelings and help her define them and make them predictable (realistic) so she feels she has control.

Please be patient. This is very real to her, and to push her will make it worse.

So your question is how to make her grow up more? I'm not sure I understand.

At age 11 and up to maybe even 14 she's going to be MPD...multiple personality disorder...in a small silly sort of way, not in a real mentally ill sort of way.

One minute she'll be this amazing young lady then turn into a monster that has nothing good to say about anyone or anything then an hour later she's going to be found in her bedroom hiding and playing with her old Barbies then that night she'll be crying and wanting to stay up all night because she's nearly grown up.

Read this, it's so very funny and true. It helped me to step back and not get drawn into her drama and hormonal swinging.

http://www.scarymommy.com/multiple-personalities/

Hi E..

I think it could be helpful for you to reinforce the positive and try and avoid putting too much pressure on her. I'm not saying that you are doing it deliberately, but I would avoid reacting to her comments about being a little girl. I would also avoid telling her about becoming a young woman. IF she has anxiety, these comments will NOT help.

On the other hand, you can help her by getting her involved in great afternoon activities that reinforce "growing up." Do you have a Girls on the Run program at your school? Or, what about a drama program? She could benefit from these kinds of activities, I'm sure. They encourage self-exploration, independence, confidence, etc. It's worth looking into.

If there are behaviors that we don't like as parents in our children and they are just "annoying" behaviors, it's best to ignore them. They will extinguish over time if you do this. If you reinforce them, they will stay strong and get worse.

Interested in your responses because it is identical to my 12 year old. Therapy and all.

Are you sure that this is a real fear of hers, or could it be that she uses this to get attention and make you worry about her? It could be that she has such low self-esteem that this is her go-to way of making you fret over her and make her feel important. And having a therapist stokes the fire.

Of course, I may be way off base, but I think it might be worth you having a talk with the therapist.

It's funny, when I first read this I was perceiving it not as if she was afraid of growing older and trying to slow it down, but more that she was trying to hurry it up. As if she were saying those things with pride and excitement about growing up. I figured out what you really meant by the end.

I think it is interesting that her mind takes her straight from being a "little girl" to adulthood. There is so much in between that... tween, teen, "young adult"... THEN adult. Are all those stages not being modeled in a positive way in her life? Are there no cool teen babysitters or older cousins that she comes in contact with that make growing older look fun and full of awesome privileges? In fact, you might want to reflect on whether "adulthood' in general has a really negative cast over it in your house. Is there a lot of complaining about life's problems, grown-up responsibilities, some reason why it appears to really suck to be an adult?

I might be way off base and this particular anxiety just happens to be her own little trip, but just another way to look at it. regardless, maybe subtly highlighting how it is equally wonderful and fun it is to be at each other stage of life. And that she will be well-prepared for those stages when they come. She won't even realize she has transitioned into them until she has.

ETA: after doing a re-read... is it possible this is more about the mother-daughter relationship than the responsibilities of adulthood? Is there a reason she thinks your relationship will change for the worse as she grows up? That being a mother only means being " a mommy" and it won't be the same when she isn't "little"? That you won't want to take care of her or give her as much attention?

I am interested to know exactly WHAT is is about adulthood that is scaring your daughter.